Is Father or Son(married) the head of the house?

My opinion is that whoever takes on most of the responsibilities automatically becomes the head of the house. If it is a joint family and the FIL works or runs the house with his money, then he still has a say in the household running. However, if the son can independently run the household without depending on handouts from the father, then the son should have his say too.

In response to 12Adityas post - true, it takes two hands to clap. But the law does not recognize the instigator. It penalizes the aggressor. So, the inlaws who see it fit to burn down a dissenting daughter in law, are guilty.

In any altercation, the one who resorts to physical action is more guilty than the other. No matter what the provocation is, physical violence cannot be condoned, unless it is in self-defense.

 

Only one man's view becomes the entire men's view. That's not fair.

In my opinion, the eldest in the family is in general the head of the family. So in joint family it is the father and in nuclear family it is the husband. In general, husband is considered the head of the house hold because he interacts with outside world more often than the wife. Also he is considered more experienced in handling difficult situations. In some household, it is the person who contributes towards most of the expenses is the head. In decisions that impact more than one member of the family, it is the head of the family who should have final say although everyone can suggest him what he/she thinks. Sometimes his decision can make some happy or some sad but then one should understand that he is taking that decision for the welfare of entire family. Having said that physical abuse of any kind is obviously intolerable. Also the head of the family should give enough freedom for family members to do things that does not hurt the family's reputation, etc.


@Asimplegal
Now in my opinion, the question of accepting your FIL as head of family is basically dependent upon whether you consider yourself a part of his family or you consider your husband and yourself as a separate family. If you married someone by just looking at bride groom's sketch and not wanting to know about his parents then obviously you should not agree to live in joint family. Imagine if it was your house, and when you invite your parents and your mother and father sit with you and start talking to them, would you feel good or bad? If you feel good because your parents are involved then why are you getting annoyed by your hubby's parents talking to his friends. if you feel bad, because you like to live independent, you should not have said yes to joint family and maybe think about living close to them where you will enjoy your independence and also can take care of the aged. However, do not live with your inlaws out of pity that they are old and need to be taken care. If you are having pity on your inlaws your children will have pity on you too. And imagine how would it make you feel. You inlaws think that you re living with them out of love and not out of pity.

You say that your hubby spends all the money and FIL steals all the limelight. You would never have felt this if you consider him as your own father. Agreed that maybe he should have taken your name to give you some credit but in his heart he knows that you were the one responsible to do this. So does it really matter that people praise him and not you. When people praise, they are not only praising them but the entire family which includes you. On the back, they will be talking about how good the entire family is and how good the daughter-in-law is that she is earning, independent and all and yet so adjusting and down to earth.

Joint family always show that there is strength in the family and the people living together in joint family are adjusting and give each other space. Maybe for first 10years of marriage you will cry like anything, that this is bad and this is good. But then you will understand them so well and would have spent so much time in good and bad, that you will start to love joint family. And when you grow old, your children would see you as a role model and would be there for you whenever you will need them. Children learn from their elders and you do not know what kind of inlaws your daughter will get. If you show patience in handling situation, your daughter will also know how to handle relationships in a better way.

Apart from all this, if you are strong independent girl who likes to live life on your own terms for good or bad, then tell this to your FIL directly but patiently. As experienced and head of family he will understand that you need space and some credit for all the work you do. Maybe he might even ask you to live independently. For eg:, when I started working my parents asked me to leave but it was me who refused. So maybe it is your husband is the one who does not want to leave.

Your MIL looks like someone who will prefer to keep peace in the household. Talk to her and tell her that you want to be close to her but FIL's attitude is intolerable. Ask your husband to ask her is it would be possible for you to live closeby and separate out peacefully.

If it still does not work, then only way I can think for you to do is, get really close to you inlaws. Treat them as your own parents. Love them and fight with them but do not cross the threshold where it looks like you are dis-respecting them or insulting them.

Maybe your FIL is dominating and nothing will work out. It is up to you to decide to compromise and after several years to look back and say to yourself that you adjusted to people who were so difficult and feel proud of yourself, or you can decide to just break away and live life for youself. Afterall, GOD gives you only one life. it is upto you to decide whether you want to live for yourself or for others.

Meanwhile, on participation of men on ladies forum... if ladies want to hit a punching bag who does not reply or does not raise his opinion... I guess all men should be put in silent mode on this forum or maybe at least in the relationships section. By saying men are bad and all agreeing to it, you only bring in more frustration. Men are not bad. It is just that they are too dumb to express what they feel. If only wives give encouragement to express them, most of the small questions on misunderstanding could be resolved so easily. This comment was independent and not in support of any other post on this thread.

Again, any kind of violent behavior is definitely bad.

Just my opinion on a topic that I like.
-AJ

 

AJ

Very well said !:bowdownI am totally with you on all the points...

 

AsimpleGal,

My views:

Eldest in the family no matter whether they are active or not, whether they are contributing financially or not, is the head of the family. So in a joint family like yours it is the Father in Law and if its a nuclear one, it is the husband. Call me conservative, but it is always a nice ride to have only one driver in the driver seat. There can be as many navigators as possible, but the final decision has to be made by the driver and all should agree to that. Leads to a peaceful life. Period.

From the examples you had mentioned, yeah you are kinda over reacting. Why, because you KNOW all this way before from the time you saw your husband's bio-data. So it was your mature decision to get married to this family and why whine now, right?

Why not take it like someone is more active and sharing all the work or doing it all by himself. Isn't easier for you that way? He is 80 years old and why do you need to butt-head him? what do you gather? Would you do the same if it were your parents - being actively involving in your life as well. Would you mind then say, "Oh, they loveeee me so much, that's why"

If you had wanted to lead an independent life, then you should have very well looked for an orphan groom or a person who can be easily molded to be a hen-pecked man or told even before marriage that you are against joint family. Isn't it too comfortable to get married knowing all the ups and downs in this setup and then cry about it?

I am quite appalled at your statement about stealing limelight. Have you ever thought about who that person that is - Your's husband's father, the man who made your husband what he is today. So what if he is stealing the limelight. Is that more important to you, to be gloating in the circle of outsiders how much you spent. Is that what makes you happy, if you, I pity you, actually. Did you feel the same when your father spent all that money to give you a grand wedding? Didn't you feel embarrassed that you are having fun and a great wedding in your fathers hard-earned money? You should actually right, with the logic that you are thinking about your FIL and husband? When you see your husband's family as yours, do you think would it matter who praises who? End of the day it's the memories of having a good time together when you don't know what is going to happen the next second isn't not?

Please for the peace of everyone around you and yourself, have a positive outlook in life. There is no one out there to get you.

Quite surprised at how some people here can jump at conclusions so easily without taking sometime to think about what others might have intended to deliver. This is an online forum and words should be given some benefit of doubt, since it can be interpreted in many ways. Instead of pouncing at each other, ask as many questions as possible to get a clear idea as to what the other is trying to say. But don't jump to conclusions and judgments please.

 

Nandshyam,

Your point about people should not be judgmental in an open forum and should understand where the other person is coming from is totally taken. I just wish you follow what you preach because I have seen a couple of replies from you recently which are definitely on the rude side and which look like you are being judgmental. Your replies before were never like this.

 

Nandshyam,

People did not have to jump to conclusions based on assumptions.The points were very direct from Adityas ID that "You need to adjust to his family's way of life & culture, not they to yours" and there might be a reason to set someone on fire.

I am suprised how could you say this can be interpreted in many ways.I see that even in another thread when the same Person(ID) said something wierd you were trying to support him.It is upto you and your choice.But nobody here preached to be not judgemental or judgemental.

I guess this applies to everyone.But at the same time I cannot keep quiet when somebody tries to preach wierd things.

 

Is Nandhu's ID hijacked by Aidtya???? :rotfl...

 

Simplegal.

After going through all of your post I can only suggest this
Please go and live separately...you and your dh and kids. Only then you can help your dh in building up his self-confidence and raise his self esteem.
As long as you inlaws especially your FIL is with you guys it is highly impossible you can do this. Once you start living separately then you will have time and space to talk to your dh more freely and he can also vent out his feelings without having to think someone is over hearing and then get embarassed or feel guilty he told honest opinion about his dad when his dad is around. Even for you it will be a relief since then you will not constantly be challenged.. Distance will increase the affection and your FIL may start seeing the son's and DIL's worth then. Visit them ocassionally and be sane rather than live under one roof with constant bitterness and resentment which keeps building up day in day out.

Meena

 

You might be right but even separating from in-laws will not change your hubby's behavior. This is something ingrained into him and it will take another 20-30 years for you to see any change in him.

Anyway, the first thing that maybe you can try to do is to separate out peacefully. I hope your FIL does not put a restriction on you staying with them. Take a house near by as he is the only son and is required by society to take care of his parents. Your FIL is 80. Average life expectancy in India is 65. I hope you understand what I mean here. Leaving him at this age might be difficult though.

Now the more important thing is that instead of criticizing your husband's behavior and challenging him to question his father, start to encourage your husband for whatever small decision he makes. Show faith in him and motivate him to do better. Make him believe that he can start taking decision on his own. Instead of cursing your kismat that you got so and so household, start feeling lucky that you got a husband who is not alcholic or is violent. Do not say anything bad about anyone because when you say something bad about someone, you will be the one becoming bad and losing respect in the eyes of others. Your FIL - let him do whatever he wants. Slowly when you encourage your husband in smaller things he does, he will start to share more important things with you and know your opinion instead of his father's.

You say your husband is intelligent but is afraid to take decisions. You are married, so why not you complement him and help him take certain decisions. Generate enough respect for yourself in your hubby's eyes that he talks to you about his office problems and hears your opinions. When you criticize him of his decisions he will only stop telling you more and more things. Here is a youtube video that might help you to understand what I mean to say:
YouTube - his stoopid ideas

Remember, your husband is the best husband you could have got, and so be his best friend and help him. But do not make him feel that you are changing him although you are. It will require a lot of patience on your part. The question is do you have that kind of patience in you?

-AJ