Is Everything Going To Be Alright?

westsideindian · Apr 5, 2011

Hi ladies,

I have something bugging my mind lately and thought it would be best if I sought advice here.

I have been married for 8 years - no kids but trying through medical help. Just recently, my husband and I bought a house near to his mum's place. The idea of staying close is so in future we could look after them (both my MIL and unmarried SIL). I was ok with that as I think since my husband is the only son, its best he takes on this responsibility. That would happend at least 6 or 7 years later as my SIL is due to retire at that time.

Just last week, my husnad told me that both MIL and SIL may come to stay with us earlier. The reason is, SIL has spinal problem and has to undergo op. She has 50% chances of recovery. So they think its best they move in with us.

Having stayed 8 years alone without MIL and SIL, I don't know how I am to cope. I don't have any serious problem with both of them actually. Its just that sometimes our opinions vary and some small misunderstanding- that's all.

I tried telling myself- its nice to have someone in the hse all the time. But both my husband and me have the habit of going out whenever we want and the thought of SIL following us everywhere seem to be a bit difficult.

Ladies, I am just confused. Both of them are nice to me but how do I maintain good relationship with them just like now (now am staying in another city)-coz when they move in with us-its going to be for life.

Please advice.

asuitablegirl · Apr 5, 2011

Just because you live together doesn't mean you all have to go out together. I think the key to making a joint family setup work is, everyone giving each other privacy and space. Meaning if you and dh want to go out together, you shouldn't HAVE to bring everyone else too.

Another option would be them getting a house or apartment next door or on the same street as you and your husband.

justanothergirl · Apr 5, 2011

Yes ASG has nailed it. Just because u are in a JF u need not lose ur privacy or feel constrained. Try to be ur normal self. Do not change ur routines to the point where u begin to feel u are sacrificing too much which in turn will breed resentment.
Try to set aside some time everyday when u and DH spend time alone .
Try to go out for a few hours in the weekends. Now that u are in a JF it becomes even more important that u make that effort .. Good luck!

Rakhii · Apr 5, 2011

small adjustments need to be made from both the sides but its doable. Dont worry, you will do fine. Since they have health issues you dont seem to have much of a choice either.

Drpreethis · Apr 6, 2011

Why would a lady with some spinal issues, want to travel with you everywhere ? Dont you think, she would rather rest instead ?

Everything is alright, isnt WSI ? So, unless you think too much about it and worry for nothing, it will continue to remain so.

Not having lived with inlaws this long and suddenly having to, is quite an apprehension, yes. But, relax. There could be nothing at all that would happen as you worry .. Now which relationship doesnt have nitty gritty things ? We have it with our parents too isnt ? That doesnt always lead to hatred, unless you let it go that far.

Just see to that, you get some help to take care of your SIL. Wishing her a good recovery from her spine issues.

westsideindian · Apr 6, 2011

Thanks ladies,

I guess I have been thinking to much of this. My SIL is not married, hence all in the family thinks whatever she does, we have to just adjust to her. I am ok with it now because our visit there is only like every few months now. She often insist we follow her way. Having a very huge age gap, sometimes, it really makes me go :drowning

Drpreethis, even now with some spinal issues, she often comes with us everywhere. Also because of her spinal problem, she makes it a point to sit in front of the car. I don't really mind most of the time but whenever my mood is off..just feel :bonk Looking after her or even MIL will not be a problem coz if they live with us, my husband and I will be taking a fulltime helper to help in the house.

Rakhii & justanothergirl, yes. I think I just have to be myself..but knowing me..I always bend down for others. I need to change myself first.

asuitablegirl, getting a house nearby is never an option. Now they are staying about 80km away from our new house. It was supposed to remain like that for the next few years but suddenly this arrangement came up. The main reason for us to move up there also is partly because they are getting old and we are supposed to care for them.

Examining myself now, I think I am feeling insecure ladies. When my in laws stay with me, one side I think it would be fun -there would always be someone in the house..and once my little one arrives..i will be too busy looking after LO that I will have no time to think of small issues..Also, my insecurities makes me think what if my husband keeps listening to them...Drpreethis, what you say is very true..all that i think may never happen too..

I must move out from my comfort zone and try new things (JF)..thanks ladies..I somehow feel much better now..it will take time to adopt but I might just do fine

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