is divorce the final resort?

rishtha · Jan 15, 2010

thank you all for taking time to read my most and help me to think straight when i am so confused.

i am afraid to go back and i cant think of living in between them, i feel like a third person in between two....i really dont think i have enough freedom to be what i want to be there. i am unable to sink with their kind of thoughts.

my husband always says i am wrong.......no matter what happens ........i am getting corrected.........to the point that i am not led to believe may the problem is only in me........as he says i am negative so i see things negatively........

he says this is not office where i should be appreciated for the things i do and its the family........

i am not sure how my life will be all alone........should i adjust these things life long like many woman who dont break marraige and sometime in life they get used to things and start living happily.........
even if i am divorced how does that help, officially i am lonely, atleast today i can feel little safe that i have a man beside me....yes socially too staying married helps...family functions, seeing my own brothers staying married, i want a kid atleast............

its true that he does not initiates, he just responds...........

calling him to my parents home wont work, because nobody is on speaking terms, as i told earlier.......they want me to get separated. they dont trust my husband as he lied that he has good earning capacity during marriage and now he is doing all this........my family just hate my husband and mother inlaw if i go back, my family is not going to support.......(but i know they will be there beside me no matter what they are saying now)
my mother in law and husband never listens to anybody thats why people hate to tell them anything.......

if i go back, it will be my MIL who will be walking up and down the home giving me look that she is still sparing me.my husband hooked up with his laptop playing games, not caring about me, yep we may go out,,,,,,,,,i will be starting to pool out money slowly, they both will be happier, bills will be paid on time, they can order whatver they want on provisions, i will keep working, to keep myself happy may be go on shopping, every month may be looking at my calendar to see if i am getting pregnant, popping up tablets, browsing .........

talk about my work pressure to hubby.........watching TV, movies.......once i a while visiting parents...........he and his mom will do all the decision making at home, my life will be one boring, drag, no matter what i say they are going to tell me its me..........my parents will be calling now and then to check whats my state, tell me i have to be careful with my finances, asking if my hubby is earning, how is my MIL behaving, i wil not have any major complaints...........because everything is smooth, ......then internally i bleed when i see better lives around me, talk to my husband about getting serious with work, ask him to do things, one word after another we are going to fight.........days of silent treatment........its one big cycle you know..................

SriVidya75 · Jan 15, 2010

Rishtha

When youare going through tough times...its really hard to think clear...because all you see and want is in one direction and the other direction (which ever is the right one) seems tough.....Always remember one thing...What ever is good for us..always seems and sounds tough (either it is to live in this /exit from this marriage)..

Worst part is that you know what you are going through...inspite of all this you still want to bring a child into this mess???? how can you do that??? if there is no place or importance for you in that house, do you think a baby will make any difference?? isnt the baby going to be like an added responsibility to you?? wht if tomorrow you want to run to your parents after a fight with your husband and you want to take the kid iwth you, but your husband and MIL would keep the kid with them and will tell you to leave??? what then??? isnt it a cutting pain to see your flesh and blood stay back with such heartless people???

So pls do a favour and STOP even thinking about having kids unless you know where you stand in your marriage.

If all you want is some social status or just to stay married, for the sake of society, how long can you keep the society and your relatives happy??? whom are you living for??? So for the society you want to show that you are married and there is someone standing beside you?? that too when the truth is there is no one standing beside you?? how long can you live this false life? how long can you lie to your own self? its going to be really tough as you start living your life with this lie. Remember that.

Having said all this...Do what you can to keep this marriage. Plan finances, and have a talk with him face to face and come to some reasonable agreement. You should have a face to face talk with him. Why your parents/siblings need to talk with him??? and pls do set a time limit for yourself on how long you can take this crap from your MIL / husband. After that gracefully exit and live your life and see what would be your husbands reaction?? Finally if he really wants to be married and wants to be with you, he would come searching for you!! If not atleast you are used to living alone....(remember if you are not comfortable living by yourself, you wouldnt feel comfortable living with anyone else...as first of all you should love yourself then only anyone else..)

sandu · Jan 16, 2010

Rishtha,
I agree with Srividhya. You must not go back immediately. They will only take you for granted as they have been doing all along. You must shake him up well now. Is he interested at all in you coming back and living with him (apart from the fact that you will earn and pay for the household things)?
Ask him to find a job and then come looking for you. Ask Srividhya said, give a time frame and tell that to him strictly.
Actually, I feel living in nuclear family from this type of a (widowed) mil will not really work out. She will have numerous reasons to visit you and stay with you.
Sanhdya

sandu · Jan 17, 2010

sandu said: ↑

Rishtha,
I agree with Srividhya. ...
Click to expand...

Sorry, could not finish my reply earlier. Here goes the remaining.

With a widowed mil, it might not be possible to live in a nuclear family and away from any influence of your mil. Only if your husband realises his responsibility towards you and work towards making you happy instead of letting his mother rule his world, will you be happy in their house. Especially because you are breadwinner and they seem to need you just for that.

It is going to be tough luck for you until your husband finds a job or starts a new beneficial business.

Your agony on seeing much happier couples around you is understandable. Does he feel he can live his life with the supprot of his mom alone? How long will she live? Another 20, 30, 40 years? After that, what will he do? There must be something that he likes in you, apart from playing computer games and whiling his time away trying to get a job. Is it not possible for you to figure that out? What was that X-factor in you that was appealing to him when he married you? Was it only your earning capacity? Does he have not an iota of love or concern for you? Please think over that and try to make efforts having that as a starting point. If you think your husband is not going to improve on his own, may be you can try to take him to a counsellor.

Good luck!
Sandhya

rishtha · Jan 25, 2010

i asked my husband what is the reason he wanted to marry me; ofcourse i asked this in a very polite manner, he replied that he will never answer that for me, during one of our SMS fights, he called me old mama it triggered so much of anger, pain and disappointment it me that i hurled my emotions back at him; i asked if i am wasting my time with someone who has no love nor respect for me, thats when he said that the reason he married me is that he loves me; but my actions are hurting him so much that he has no more strenght and he will die soon because of my behavior.....he said i hurt and never ask sorry..........

i told him i may not be beautiful or old but i my affection has been sincere for him and now i think he doesnt deserve.......i called him psycho, liar.........etc....... then i asked sorry after few hours, i try to be patient but somehwere i am doing things or saying things i should not, and i have no control when someone pushes my button..

he never messaged me, nor attend my calls, then i left it for a day and he messgd me asking if i had dinner, then a peaceful good night nothing much......

i told him we need to do something about this and cannot be fighting over petty things.and i miss him and i cannot live alone like this.....he never replied anything..

i think instead of hurrying up and text messg, calling trying to make my point, i better take my mind off all of this and let time speak for itself, let me give him as much space and time he needs.......when he is ready then i will talk to him.......

i also asked this question to myself, why i want to go back to him.......he does not have any bad habits, like driniking, smoking, he is committed and has no nonsense with women. even if i am separated i have that faith that he would never turn to another woman, during our first 6 months of marriage we could not have intercourse because i used to have so much pain, he never distrubed me (even in our honeymoon) couple of times when he tried i cried, and he just stopped it and said i cannot do it when i know you are in pain, he said that he is even ready for adoption if the case would be that we could never have intercourse and i always feel bad that i am not very sexy or good looking he said that he likes me for whatever i am and initial months i know once when his mother asked me to sleep down because i had my periods he screamed at her for treating me like that.............many small incidents like that he is good and he also helps others, and treats everybody alike he even call auto walas sir and is a very cheerful and optimistic and has lot of friends and has a large network of people he is an out and out extrovert,even during recession i did not see him troubled, in a situation like that i would go crazy......he does not mind me wearing any clothes of my choice i have more freedom and he does not doubt me at all in these years and does not insist also that i do the house hold chores......there was an incident when my dad dodged a police complaint against my inlaw and husband when i lost my jwels, he did not speak a word or hurt me but was clearly mad at my dad (couple of days back only he said that no father would do this to a daughter etc); i will write more later

you know what i am surprised i have so many good points about my husband.......dont know what went wrong

SriVidya75 · Jan 26, 2010

Rishtha

I am sorry to say this...but the way you are trying to squeeze in as many good points as possible to keep this marraige alive makes me wonder !!

In one post you say how badly he treats you....and in another you say all the caring things he does..

No man/woman is bad/ good totally...you cannot group them into good or bad persons...basically we know whether a person is good or not depending on their reaction to a situation!

You are in a emotionally abusive marriage! This is the truth. the way these emails and SMS fights, the way he pushes you to say sorry because he is hurt (naturally no matter whatever you say or do will hurt him!! isnt it???)so if you just keep saying sorry and beg him to forgive would he be happy???? so what does he gain out of it by extracting sorry out of you???

Basically what is it that he has done or what is it that he had taken as an initiative to make this marriage happy/peaceful.

He is the MAN in the marriage. and if he wants to be the MAN of the house and manage and have a decision making capability in everything, time for him to stop acting like a kid or stop doing this blame game and take up some measures.

You too are in serious need of some counselling. You sound more like a insecure person who has some inferiority complex. How can you even find good in a person who keeps snubbing you down??? who keeps putting you down???

Think for yourself!! Are you looking for some one to just be there in your life for society sake?? or is it that you really want a supportive husband who understands you genuinely.

When you get all workedup and emotional about staying away from him for a while, thats when you are seeing the good in him...but as soon as you go back to live with him..again teh same old story repeats and you would start feeling suffocated...you would start feeling as if you are the third person and he and his mom belong together!!

So think about what all you have gonne through..put your emotions aside...and ask yourself with no fear...what do you want!! what makes you happy!! in this marriage??? or in this life?? Meet him face to face, tell him what you are expecting, give him time line and wait...dont push or dont threaten or dont be emotional. Atleast try to be firm and open inw hat you want from now on!! before its too late or else you would end up being a mom and its going to bemuch worse as you would raise another son/daughter who is replica of you or your husband!! pls do a favour to this world and to your future kid and start handling the mess you are in with your brain than heart