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Irritating Mom!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Athaalia, Jun 23, 2007.

  1. Athaalia

    Athaalia New IL'ite

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    Hi There,
    Am new to this forum, and want to say hi to one and all...I came here coz I need some suggestions on how to handle my mom, who has come to visit me for the first time after two years of marriage... This is the first time she has actually spent time with my husband and me after our marriage and so she is just getting to know my husband, in person , rather than talking on the phone..Now my problem is this.. I am Tamilian and if there are any Tamilians on board here, they will know exactly what I am talking about.. My mom, like other MIL's does not refer to my husband, her son-in-law as "avaru" or "mapillai"..Instead she prefers to call him "Athu" or "It"..She refers to him a hundred times a day using the same word "it" , when she talks to me.. I did not mind it initially, maybe once or twice , but now she is constantly using the word, "It" and it is REALLLY bothering the hell out of me..She says stuff like "Ask it if it wants to eat" or, "Where is it"? Its realllyyyyyyyy irritating!! Now I am stuck , cos I just dont know how to tell her to stop it, because she is a over-sensitive person and the fact she is now a guest in my home, also prevents me from telling her off.. I really want her to stop, cos I am just plain fed up of my husband being referred to as "it", as though he is a cow or a dog or some other kind of animal... Ladies, please advise... Thanks..
     
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  2. meeta012

    meeta012 Junior IL'ite

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    Hi and Welcome to IL.
    I can understand your frustration-as I've strugled with another aspect of it.
    What I realised was that because I was focussing so much on my daughter,and my family was in turn always focussing on something else,my mom,after my dad passed away...must have started feeling very lonely.She reacted in completely another way-she shut herself in and used to feel very sad all the time.
    We had to pour in a lot of love and affection to make her feel "wanted" and "needed" and "loved" again.I'd really second guess that after your marriage,maybe your mother is feeling left out /ignored/unimportant.Why not do a few special things before picking up the "don't-call-my-husband-it" and "I'm-really-frustrated-or-irritated" again.Try the following:
    * Everyday-keep some "mom-time" out which is not for anybody else.Use this time to talk to "only" her/go for a walk with her.
    *Include her in all possible family decisions,or at least ask for her opinion,so that she feels a part of your new family.
    * Take her out occasionaly and ensure your husband is part of these trips-movies/food trips/grocery shopping etc.
    * Don't know if you do this at all...but when was the last time you simply hugged her?Do this often and take her blessings often.

    You'll soon(be patient tho:)) see a sea change in her.She'll feel a part of your family and will stop "mentally rejecting" your husband's space in your life.

    Then,one day,hug her and tell her,mom-it really hurts when you call him "it".
    Our friends/family will not respect him and he's YOUR soninlaw...

    I'm sure things should work out.If they don't after all your efforts-you need to get someone whom you absolutely trust in your mom's side(her sister?) to talk it over with her and advice her to give him equal respect.

    Warm Regards,
    Meeta.
     
  3. Nivedi

    Nivedi New IL'ite

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    Hi Athaalia,

    I am a Tamilian and I can understand that "athu" can be used once in a while when we are irritated with someone. I do agree it is not nice to hear your husband being referred to that way. Although your mom is a sensitive person, it is better you address your concern with her. She is your mother and you can tell her without any hesitation. I wish you luck in this matter.

    Rgrds,
    Nivedi
     
  4. rohini

    rohini New IL'ite

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    Hi Athaalia,

    Welcome to this IL community.

    I feel sorry that your first post here is about a problem seeking suggestions. Hope you really find useful suggestions here.

    I can understand how you would feel when your husband is being referred to as 'adhu'. In Tamil, they generally refer to lifeless things or animals only as 'adhu'. But at the same time, I know some Tamilian families refer those younger to them as 'adhu'. Believe me.

    Let me give you an example. My parents were here with us when we were blessed with a baby girl. They used to refer to our baby as 'adhu' thoongudha, 'adhu' saapitucha, etc. This does not mean they don't love or respect the baby. She was their uyir and they came all the way to take care of her. But you know what, according to my husband's family practice my husband found this odd. He wanted them to refer to our baby as 'ava'. But according to our family practice that shows some disrespect. Isn't it funny?

    My husband wanted me to tell my parents to change the way they addressed her. For me it is not an easy thing. How can I go and tell (to me it is more like dictating) my parents such petty things? So I just neglected. But my husband found a chance to slowly tell them. I then came to know about it from my parents who told me 'maapillai wanted us to address her differently since people in their family would not like it'. They were then very careful in addressing her especially in front of my husband. But I really felt like a worm whenever they changed and addressed. Doesn't thaatha paati have their way or style of addressing? Should this also be changed for the sake of their daughter's in-laws?

    Sorry, if I bored you with such a big story of mine. The reason I bring up this story here...before you get irritated with your mom for her way of addressing, just think if she does it only with your husband? Or is that her way for the younger ones? You know, given that your mother is sensitive it will really hurt her. She might think "her" daughter too is finding fault with her.

    But if she is specifically doing it only with your husband for some reason and if that is bothering your husband too, then you need to really find a sweet way to talk it to your mother. Otherwise, you will be in a difficult situation between your mom and husband. Tell her she need not address him every time as 'maapillai' or 'avar' if she is finding it too formal. May be she can just say 'thambi'? I guess Tamilian females are used to calling younger but respectable male members of the family as 'thambi'.

    Hope my suggestion is of some help.

    PS: I was just wondering about what all problems come to a girl (especially a married girl) while she tries to balance between her parents family and husband's family. Poor girls, is it not?
     
  5. gokusha

    gokusha IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi,

    Being a tamilian i can understand your situation & meaning of "Athu"....i think most of the elders indicates kids as athu...but when it comes to mapillai...it sound little odd...

    Like one of our friend said ..spent some time for mom..take her out...make her to feel comfort..when you are close...tryt o say her.."ma..athu nu sollathigga...avanga parents ketta thavara neenaichukka poragga nu......avar or mapillai nu sollu ma nu..like a kid asks for toys from her mom...:))(Mom don;t call like that..if their parents get to know..they might feel down...)..

    Hope this would help you...don;t show your face on her...becoz she might feel bad...as 3rd person...uncomfortable to stay with you all..(kind request)...

    Thanks.

    Allt he best.

    Regards,
    USHA.
     
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2007
  6. Athaalia

    Athaalia New IL'ite

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    Dear Friends,

    Thank you all so much for taking the time to write such thoughtful replies.. I have considered the issue, after reading what you have written and I do realise that I have to use tact in this matter. I dont think I want to hurt my mom , as she is a guest in my home.. perhaps I will tell her, in a softer manner not to use that word as it kind of hurts my feelings..hopefully she will understand. I am sure her mother did not address her son-in-law in the same manner and my mom will realise her mistake..

    Will keep you updated.

    Thankssssss :)
     
  7. madhurigupta

    madhurigupta New IL'ite

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    Hi!
    This problem has nothing to do with being a tamilian or not. Any wife on this earth will not like her husband to be addressed as 'It'. That to by her own mother. why are u so hesitant in talking to your mom how u feel? just go& tell her this doesn't look ok you calling him IT, suggest! if u don't want to call him 'avaru' then just take his name, or nick name what ever is easier.
    Ask her why she is calling her as it, & then may be it will be easier for u to solve the problem.
    She is in your & your husbands house, she should make her stay pleasant not irritating for u or your hubby.
     
    Last edited: May 12, 2008
  8. mahika

    mahika Bronze IL'ite

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    as long as you mom loves you and your husband i think it should not be a problem for you .Does it really matter what name or word we use to call any body ,in your childhood you might have done so many such things and your mom tolerated ,cant you just tollerate one thing .Sometimes presence of somebody else in our house (parents /inlaws )makes us irritated as we subconsously loose our freedom and space .This makes us look for even tiniest negative thing inb the other person .
    I will give you an example ,when my daughter was born i used to say "put her in the swing "in hindi put her is like "us ko daal do"my MIL used to get upset every time i would say "daal do" (put her )as generally it is used for nonlivinmg or dead things .The appropriate waord was lay her in swing "sula do".does it mean i really treat my daughter as dead or non living .I used to get irritated as i didnt want to think about each word that comes out of my mouith .Similarly my hubby had a little hesitation calling my parents as mummy and daddy .he tried a lot though ,i never realised but one day my dad told me "beta i will tell you one thing but dont take it other wise ,i felt your ubby has little hesitation in calling us mummy and daddy ,we will be very happy if he calls us uncle and aunty or whatever .what matters us the most is that he loves us and respects us ."
    sometimes we call our mom buddhi (old lady),but just out of love .
    getting lost in the words and clothes is like judging a book by its cover .
     
  9. Capricorn

    Capricorn New IL'ite

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    Mahika

    Have to say really a very nice and good way of looking / interpreting things...Well Said!!
     
  10. dallascw

    dallascw Senior IL'ite

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    Just joke and say " Adhu ku orru payir irriku maa.. payer vechu koopta usir pooathu".. just be consistent all the time. May be laugh and tell your amma that you will roll your eyes if she refers to hubby as "Adhu"...
     

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