Inter Caste/religion Love Marriage

Dear Balamotwani,

I keep calling you so because you don't sign your posts with any other name!

First of all, let me congratulate you on your recent win !:clap

I was very happy to read your reply to my response. Who says you cannot write well ? You express yourself very well and all you have to do is go ahead and put your ideas to paper. You will see that you keep improving as you keep on writing. So please don't let such thoughts stop you from writing.

As a matter of fact, I was thinking of the movie Alaipayuthe when I read your post. It is so surprising that you yourself mentioned it, I did not want to mention any movie and belittle your real life story! Another surprise that you actually talked to Madhavan who was the hero of that movie. Strange !

You are right, being in love and being sensibly in love are two different things. But I wonder, can one fall in love and still be sensible about it ??!! Believe you me, it is not an easy thing for the parents either when their children fall in love and say I want to marry him/her. When you reach an age, common sense sets in and parents see more mishaps than their offspring who is in love. Besides, as they say, Love is Blind ! Therefore, it is also a blessing to fall in love with the right person for a marital bond to be successful. I feel a bit of maturity, both in age and mind and some solid education behind you for support is very necessary.

Yes, not many may come forward here as it is rather personal and some may feel apprehensive about revealing their inmost feelings !

As for my writing about Amitabh B, I can't remember now as to where I wrote what ! I have forgotten.:-( But I do like the guy. Besides sharing the age group with my husband, he is handsome and successful to this day and hard working. Also, his family 'looks' wholesome and good and illustrious ! So why not like them...Hey....I am no spokesperson for that family, by the way !:rotfl

L, Kamla

 

Hi Bala,

Nice to hear your love story.

very happy to know that you are successful in your love and both your parents are convinced now.

coming to me, i had a love marriage too. he's a christian and I'm a hindu. as usual love has no eyes, no ears, no brain...hehe . v met each other in our first work and fell into love after around 6-7months. he had it in mind and I broke the ice. we informed our parents immediately and he being a christian and his parents having a love marriage no rejections from his side. from my side everything went on for 5 yrs. my mother and brother adviced me a lot and i adviced them back.... ....;-) so it went on and on and on and finally i thought this is not going to be over and allowed my in-laws to fix a date for the marriage and i informed my mom. my brother is the one who convinced my mom at the last moment and they all came for the marriage. during the marriage that was more than enough for me, but when i think back i feel like i have disappointed my mother who lost her husband just a few years back and had great hopes on me. but shes fine now and happy that my hubby is good and taking good care of me.

as far as the opinions, we do differ a lot. we do have fights as others and get compromised. coming to religious differences, we worship both god and go to both church and temple for birthdays, anniversaries, etc and to respective temple for the festivals.

for kids, we teach both ways of worship. but being an Indian(tamil), we need to follow guys religion or customs, etc. so officially(meaning in schools, etc) my daughter would be a christian. but knows about both the religions.
we are happily married for 5yrs now, but it's been 10 yrs since we started our love.

one major instance is whenever we make new friends everyone would be eager to know abt the love story. at first we were embarrased and now got used to it and we now tell the story with some build ups. hehe:tongue

cheers,:thumbsup
Malar

 

hi bala,

Congrats on your completing 6 years of marriage and on your daughter khushi.
Sometimes, i feel love stories/marriage look too filmy..(even mine) but until you are the one involved.
You stood by what you believed in your heart is your true love.clapclap.

Will write my points later....


kamla,

I think she has confused you with kamalji (his blog on amitabh in greed for money):tongue

 

Hai bala

LOVE MARRIAGE IS NOT A BIG CRIME and iam not against it, but at the sametime, i cant support my younger one's affair against my parents words and i shld also think about my another sister's future, since IAM THE ELDER DAUGHTER AND GOT MY OWN RESPONSIBILITY FOR FAMILY, if you were in my position u will also act like me only

My HEARTIEST WISHES for ur successful and happy married life, 6ys have gone, feel like jus sterday u have gone out jus like going to office everyday,with no extra luccagge or any special dress(u were just wearing orange colour polycot chruidhar whihc we bought u for our thathat's 80th birthday) or with any feelings U EXPRESSED and the previous night we were just fighting with each other simply for silly resons,as usual, (u didnt express anything UR VERY STRONG PERSON from the childhood)

I still remember that day, very well , didnt forget little bit, recd call from u exactly by 8.15pm (regular time u used to return back ) and our younger sister attended ur call ( two of my cousin sisters were there in my house at that time) and gave to me and not even able to argue with u infront of them and goldie talked to me only , just say the matter and disconnect the phone, GOD, think of our position, U informed us jus like u had ur dinner in the hotel
SAVITHRI, TODAY I GOT MARRIED WITH GOLDIE -whats this yaar ( since he was in africa at that time,u didnt gve us any chance to suspect u on previous days etc)

HOW CAN WE DIGEST, WHAT CAN WE TELL TO NEIGHBOURS,FRIENDS,RELATIVES....... DID U THINK ABOUT OUR FATHERS POSITION, HE THOUGHT U WILL BE HELPING HIM FINANCIALLY AFTER FINISHING UR STUDIES(OFCOURSE U DID THAT,U HELPED HIM) and do u remember those days( U DIDNT TELL ME WHERE ARE U GOING) after ur wedding, we searched for u like anything, i only went to ur In-laws place,we had big argument,fight etc, we searched everywhere in all ur friends place,relatives(we cant beleive ur words,that, ur really married to goldie or staying somewhere here, JUS KIDDING,TESTING US, or taken any wrong decision,since u didnt reply for another four days -

first day we were upset,angry,not able to manage talks of outsiders
second day we went to inlaws place, discussesd
third day we were searching everywhere.......and thinking of enquiring all temples,registrar office etc and discussed with senior persons of the family to get their ideas AMMA WAS REALLY UPSET,GOT HER BP SHOOT UP,CRYING FOR ALL THE THREE DAYS,REFUSE TO HAVE FOOD.............AND SHE ALSO STARTED THINKING NEGATIVELY THAT U HAVE TAKEN SOME WRONG DECISION...

Atlast,4th day u called us from Delhi and told us u poeple were on the way to jammu and will Chennai after 3 days,THANK GOD, WE JUS FORGOT EVERYTHING AFTER HEARING FROM U THAT UR SAFE!!!!!!!,HAPPY

We worry,since all the Love marriage couples are not happy and leading successful life (pls, dont argue,whether all the arranged marriage people got everything perfect) sometime,THEY MAY GO WRONG IN CHOOSING THEIR PARTNER,AT SOME CASES ONLY AFTER MARRIAGE THEY WILL SHOW THEIR TRUE FACE

SO IF THEY HAVE REAL TRUE/STRONG LOVE FOR EACH OTHER,MUTUAL TRUST,UNDERSTANDING, READY TO FACE CHALLENGES/DIFFICULTIES TOGETHER CAN GO FOR WEDDING LIKE U DO BUT NOT ALL

In ur case, GOLDIE is such a well disciplined,highly educated, with good job, good family background and possess VERY VERY TRUE/STRONG LOVE for u,THANK GOD, ur leading happy and peacful life but incase if he is jus opposite, what will be ur position and how bad our parents will get affected (even u can see our in our family itself,both the couples as well as parents suffering due to this,hasty decision)

I dont know what will be ur reaction if Kushi says she is in love with someone,ofcourse, we can agree to some extent, if the boy is really good by character,behaviour,studies,family background etc.........even above all the good things,still, we used to give lot of IMPORTANCE FOR CASTE/RELIGION in our scoiety/familes even ,now, in this modernworld, NO ONE CAN DENY THIS

THALAIVALIYUM PALVALIYUM THANAKU VANDHA DHAN THEIRYUM

THEIR VIEWS WILL GET CHANGED IF IT COMES FOR THEMSELVES

ok friends, all those words,they are just my opinion , if i hurt anybody by anything IAM REALLY SORRY

latamurali

 

Hi Bala,

Congrats on overcoming all the hurdles in your love life and getting married to your guy. I also had an intercaste marriage..no major problems except in-laws not being very nice (because of the caste factor)...it didnt affect me too much because we stay away from them and my hubby is super protective of me. 8) Yes, I do not know any of his side's customs, but doesnt make a difference as he is as unaware of my side's customs and so we are on the same boat..he he...:-D I ask when in doubt...and he clarifies it...and so far that has worked. And after my baby was born, even the in-laws have become extra nice...

Lata - I didn't get your point. You agree that your BIL is a great guy and your sister is happy with him. So your whole opposition and fear for their marriage was groundless. Its been six years...why are you still holding onto the grudge? I think you should let go of it..it would be better for all concerned.

Relatives, neighbors take cue from the immediate family on how to react. You go and complain to them about your own daughter or sister and they will join in the gossip about how wrong it is. But if you firmly tell everyone that you are very happy with the alliance then nobody will say anything.

My sincere advice would be to be more accepting of people. Caste does not define a person. It is a peripheral thing. It becomes important only when you yourself elevate it to that level.

Being the eldest, you should have taken the lead in talking to your parents and convincing them that caste is immaterial and that your sister had chosen a good, educated person who will take care of her in future and with whom she will be happy.

And FYI, I have 2 elder brothers who had inter caste marriages and I still got alliances from my own caste...however I also chose to marry for love...

My advice to you is stop trying to control people or their destinies. Your sister seems to be level headed..has made a happy marriage and is helping your dad also..you have a cute niece now...what more can you want? Try to mend fences instead of breaking them. All the best!

 

Hi,
I had an intercaste love marriage. It was interesting to read Latha's reply. We faced so much of opposition for almost 4 years before our marriage. Yes it is possible to fall for the wrong guy. In so many cases it has happened. And parents worrying about that is understandable. But the mere mention of the word 'LOVE' was enough to make our parent's blood boil. My dad seemed to be more recepetive but seeing my mother reaction he was confused as to how to react. Parents who vehemently oppose their children's lovers mostly come to a conclusion that the 'boy' or 'girl' is bad. They do not take the time to patiently ask about the boy's family, the boy, his education, his job his interests ... nothing! If they did do that, then the girl will be more receptive to the parent's opiniions. In my case I had to endure so many verbal abuses from my parents. So many restrictions, made sure my life was hell unless I relented. They weren't completly happy doing all this either. They were worried about me and went to temples, made venduthals saw so many josiyars. Once they claimed that josiyar said that I was to marry someone who is 5 years elder to me.

They made every effort to make me forget him, but made no effort to look at it from my perspective. I met my husband when I was doing my PG. I was not a teenager. I was a class topper. I made sure I never went down in marks after my parents knew about my love matter. We both got jobs immediately after finishing our courses. He even got a job in US. But none of those things mattered. They were bringing me alliances with the very same qulaifications !!! So any boy they bring in is good, but my selection is always bad !!!

Finally they relented. We had a simple marriage with parents having long faces. We left for the US. Then slowly both sides accepted us as if nothing had happened. Why all that big drama for all those years !!!

Latha, all of your anger, suffering etc did happen. But most of that was brought upon by your parents themseleves. I am not saying this to show them any kind of disrespect or anything. But your sister didn't just like that leave one fine day. Everyone knew of the affair and she wasn't receiving any support or understanding. I have lived through that kind of suffering. I know how bad that can be. I am sure she made every effort possible to make your parents understand her feelings. But when people ignore you what do you do? Go ahead an marry someone while being in love with someone else? That will be spoiling the life of 3 people. But I am sure that if she had done that the entire family would have been happy and celebrated. What happens after that?

I have noticed that if parents agree for a love marriage, relatives will either keep quiet or praise the parents for being so understanding. But once they oppose the relatives start jeering and putting down the family. I haven't seen even one arranged marriage where the parents were able to satisfy the relatives. So doing things just to satsifying relatives isn't worth anything.

Once you are in love with someone and that love is genuine, you will walk through fire for that person. I couldn't even dream of marrying someone else. Some women commit suicide to avoid that. I am glad that your sister went ahead and married the guy.

Your sister fell in love. She did not do that to make you people suffer. No one can tell why or when people fall in love. It happens. So don't blame your sister for falling in love. In the future when you do come across a similar situation try to deal the situation with a little more understanding, patience and compassion. That is all that is needed in any situation.

I have a younger sister too. She was so opposed to my marriage. Well she has changed too after my marriage. Her attitude towards me and my husband has changed. She did see how much I suffered. She sees that I am living a happy life. She sees how caring my husband is. And guess what she recently got married .... she had a love marriage too.

We all have this one short life. How does it help to hold a grudge against your own sister. Calm down and look to the future and leave the past, leave your anger. You will feel better and so will your sister. You share a very important bond with your sister. Don't ruin it my holding on to your anger and frustration.

Love,
:wave

 

Hai Aarushi and dear shanthi

Let me tell u, i dont have knowledge to write like u people, if there is any mistake, pls forgive me friends and EVEN U CAN POINT OUT THAT, I WILL RECTIFY MYSELF

Hey u people have totally mistaken me, all these happens 6 yrs back and at that time my situation was entirely different, and i cant say here,everything, about my dad,his principles, our brought-up,about the family situation at that time and we DONT EVEN KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT GOLDIE'S IN AND OUT(only after wedding i came to know about his excellence in everything and now iaam ready to give THE BEST VERY VERY VERY CARING,LUVING, UNDERSTANDABLE, MOST AFFECTIONATE HUSBAND AWARD" to him)

Iam sorry, iam not at all agaionst Love marriage(to be frank , at the earliest, we are happily going to do LOVE/ARRANGED marriage for my another sister, even in that case, i have takent the initative) but, do u know, that love case is something different, and we got lot of confusion, and not able to decide anything..........but we all are doing our level best to UNITE THEM (see, all have changed in this 6 yrs, even all the relatives accept this new alliance and also welcoming goldie with hearts AND WE LOST OUR FATHER JUST 5 MONTHS BACK, so we are in position to hear our close relatives views, ideas and everything, my mom, she is very innocent lady and doesnot know anything,so after my dad, iam in position to take decision which wont affect anybody, i must take decision seeing both postivie and negatives aspects of everything,
if both tof them are HAPPY , then ii WILL BE THE FIRST HAPPIEST PERSON AND IF THEY ARE unhappy and anything goes wrong I WILL BEE MOST AFFECTED PERSON (

And, iam not against CASTE/RELIGION , do u know, iam a PHILANTHROPIST,I GO TO CHURCH, MOSQUE(IF I GET CHANCE) AND TO TEMPLES , I HAVE great faith with god, i feEL NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE IF GOD IS THERE WITH US
i have photos OF LORD MURUGAN,JESUS,SAI BABA............. in my pooja room

I will respect people not for their caste/money etc but for their heart,character...........honesty........

so, pls dont mistake me and try to understand my exact postion in the family and the love i have for them

latamurali

 

Hi,

One of my best friends, who is 26 yrs old is in love with a guy(both Hindus but diff castes) for nearly 5 yrs. Both of them working in same concern. His parents completely accepted while her parents are still adament. So they have decided for register marriage. 'Margazhi' month(not an auspicious one for marriage) starting on december 16th, they have decided to do register marriage before 16th.

But the boy's parents also feel they want the customs(tying Mangalsuthra) followed which can be done in 'Thai' month which starts on Jan 15th. The girl is pretty confused if registering before tying mangalsuthra can be done to her and is it valid. She and the guy have approached a lawyer for this. Meanwhile, she has asked opinion from all her well-wishers. Any body who has experienced the same or is a lawyer, please advice!!!

~anu

 

Anu,

Registering a marriage is valid. tying a mangalsutra is optional. but there are procedures for that too. you have a waiting period..unless the marriage has already taken place. consult a lawyer. if the process has not been put into motion, you can better tell them to wait and get married in thai, and get it registered.for which you need 2 witness, a copy of the marriage invitation, the things......