Indian Family System

Basically my view in another post (if I remember correctly) was that I personally, nor my husband, are very good balancers or jugglers or acrobats. We put each other first, then everyone else, and that's what works well for us (after many attempts at 'balancing'). We give love, respect, and consideration to all our family members and friends. But when it comes to who we love/cherish/need/want/respect the most, it is our spouse. I feel balancing acts often open up the door to competition, which I don't think is healthy in a marriage. When I don't feel threatened, I'm very nice and caring. But when I start to feel abused or like my mil is trying to assert her authority, my claws come out. In the beginning, when my husband made me and his mom feel like he'd balance us, my mil always felt there was opportunity to tip the scale and it created chaos because as long as she felt there was a chance at being #1, she'd try anything. But when he made it clear I was #1 no matter what, believe it or not, she really toned down her attacks, because she knew she there was no competition because how can you compete with somebody who is always going to be #1 'no matter what'?? Frankly, I don't want my husband to juggle me like I'm equal to his parents or siblings. I'm not interested in a three way tie. I want to be the priority in his life, just like he is in mine. Also, when I tried balancing my husband with my family, my family exploited me big time because they didn't like my dh. But when I put my foot down and told them that they were not going to be able to come between me and him, they STOPPED their bad behavior because they knew the game was over.

I think when people know their places, there is less strife. When family members stop looking at each other as competitors and start respecting the natural heirarchy of relationships, there is less drama. In the beginning there was a lot of DRAMA when my husband asserted that I was #1, and vice versa. But now that a few years have passed and our families realize their boundaries, everyone gets a long MUCH better, and the relationship between me and dh is much more peacful.

In families that get along from the get go, this question of priority and #1 might not come out in the open, because everyone respects each other and just enjoys the fun times together (i.e. what me and dh wanted). But when somebody challanges your spouse big time, the lines need to be drawn. I'm sure my husband's dream would have been to have his wife and parents get along, so that he would not have had to tell his mom that I was his priority. And I would have been 100% happy to never have had her know that I'm the queen of dh's universe. But when people cause trouble in your marriage, their feelings take a back seat to the preservation of your marital union.

Just my opinion, based on my life and what has worked for me.

 

Correct, and I guess in anycase this thread has mostly run its course. A spate of generalizations insulting a gender overall, has left a bad taste in the mouth, so I will probably take a break from the entire family-system related topics at this stage to preserve my sanity.

Good discussion overall and good thread topic from CW so thanks to Canwait, I hope to have learnt something and hope I shared some points as well.

Maybe revisit the topic later, for now Ciao on the JF/NF topic. Bye.

 

Janvi

I am sorry if by my offer to explain it using different words, I seemed like trying to impose my views on you. I was just offering to try to explain my stance more clearly and was certainly not in an attempt to get you to change your opinion! I understand that we are both stuck in our opinions and won't change it!

I am sorry, I don't understand this part of your post. Could you please explain it again?

 

Spiderman, probably you could already guess how I feel about men, but I just wanted to say for the record, and to make you feel better, that there are some women (including myself) that think men can be just as great, wonderful, smart, bold, courageous, loving, kind, and decent. For every flaky man, I'm sure there is an equally flaky woman in the world. :thumbsup

 

Thanks ASG

I fully know that you are very balanced in your views about Men and Women, and thank you for your post :thumbsup

 

Canwait

I have not really followed all of your threads and hence do not really know the extent of problems you have faced in your life. But to say that proponents of something that you oppose are living in an utopian world is patronizing and offending! I am sure our marriage and the good (and bad) experiences that have come with are as every bit real as those who have not been so fortunate.

I think I mentioned in one post that no one who supports a JF system is claiming to be on a moral high ground compared to others. In fact, we have only been saying from the beginning that whether a JF works or not is exclusive to each person's case and cannot be a generalized statement like Texas is a hotter place than Minnesota! I don't understand the need to get so defensive about one's stance!

And to ask the question of why we are all not running back to India, I find is immature. This is as impractical and impudent as the couple of e-mails that were being circulated sometime back of an aborted fetus writing to the mom from heaven and people passing remarks such as moms who choose to abort their fetuses are devils in disguise. What do you know of the circumstances or reasons for the choices people make to stay back or go back or whatever?

 

Thanks ASG. This is exactly what all of us have been trying to establish from the beginning, opinions based on each one's life experiences!

BTW... spidey... between my husband and me, I am the flakier one and I am a woman. And in our case, there have been plenty of instances when my husband and I have been mean to each other out of our own volition, neither being influenced by our parents :thumbsup

 

Thanks for sharing that PT and you are not alone, we've done stupid things that we later regretted and we've done those out of our own volition as well

 

Same here! :bonk:bonk

 

Hi CW,

Somehow I overlooked your Q addressed to me! Good that Peartree quoted your post, it caught my attention this time.

Why does stating my preference of JF over NF, and my belief on what makes my family/life complete in every aspect make you (who seems to be one of those that advocate that the man must be responsible and must know to balance the relationship and transcend to the era's needs.. ) think you are looked upon as 'Satans from the abyss'?! Are you getting defensive like Peartree asked?! There is no need to take it so personal. It is just difference of opinion.

And like ASG clearly said,

,
Let me tell you this: "I am not here to preach JF to everyone on a moral highhorse like 'one size fits all'. JF is my preference, based on my life and what goes with my/DH beliefs."

Your 'straight forward' question makes me wonder if you imply that some of the JF proponents are hypocrites. Let me clarify onething, I am not the one that say 'the young and old must live together'. BUT I am the one that say 'the young and old in MY family LOVE to live together'. I hope you see the difference.