India visit issue, please suggest??

Nithya i would suggest , you talk to your husband first , regarding this and if he feels that you should go, then atleast go for 2 days to make him happy. I am telling you from my personal experience that the same person ie ( my husband) who is lovely and caring person suddenly changed when he is around his parents. But after coming to U.S. again , we discussed with each other that from next time we will be clear to each other so that there is no misunderstanding.
So first and foremost be very clear with your husband because if your inlaws say something about you to him, he can say to them that you already informed him.

I remember my trip in india when i had also gone very excitedly to meet my parents and for some reason because of my inlaws taunts , the whole trip was really bad. I really couldnt spend much cheerful time with my parents. At that time i realised i shuld have made everything clear to my husband so that my inlaws would not get any oppurtunity to tell me anything.

So just telling you to be careful and decide accordingly. The main goal for you should be to spend a good and quality time with your parents.

 

By all means go and spend 2 days with the IL's before your husband comes, but let your husband know that you expect him to stay with YOUR parents also for 2 days when he comes over. It's only fair.

If you feel threatened in staying there without DH, tell him now to avoid confusion later. Let him know what your worries are and tell him that if he does not comply with him also staying in your parent's house, then the deal is off. I'm sure the things he wants you to deliver are not life threatening....therefore he can bring it when he flies over.

Stand firm and strong and don't back down.

 

I second ShilpaMa.If he is coming then let him give them the gifts. Don’t worry on your visit right now. Either way you get some or other criticism. So act cool and be cool and enjoy your stay.

 

Nithya, If I were you, I would visit the in-laws at least for the weekend. Since you are saying its an overnight journey, you can leave Friday night, spend Saturday and take the train back on Sunday. This way, you will not be leaving any chance for future criticism. In 1 and half days, how many stories can they cook up, even if they want to? If you don't go even for a day in those 2 months, be prepared for more stories.
Can you perhaps take your cousin or aunt along with you while you are there?

On the other hand, make sure that your husband visit's your parents too. It is the basic thing he can do to show some respect. If he adamantly refuses, then perhaps you also need not go now.

 

Nithya,

I would suggest you to keep your visit to IL as short as possiblem, and maintain your composure completely to short conversations. I was in a similar situation in my marriage where I was to be at my IL's place where my SIL was also with her kid. 3-4 days that was my first visit to them after my marriage and dont know much about them and after me returning to my parents they literally made my life hell with lot of complaints to DH. I would say if it is possible try to call them initially as soon as you get there. and try to postpone the visit. If it is really needed then visit for a day or 2 with composure. but be careful. If you can change your travel plans I would say to go to india along with your husband stay there for 20 days and after your husband leaves you can stay for 2 months at your parents. that would be very nice.

Good luck

Rishi

 

Nithya,

If you spend 2 months at your parents and do not visit ILs, you will be .
ILs will complain that you spent 2 months at your parents and did not visit them at all.

If you spend 2 months at your parents and visit ILs for 2-4 days, you will be Witsend.
ILs will complain that you spent 2 months at your parents and spent only 2-4 days with them.

You choose!:thumbsup

 

Nithya,

only you know well your DH's temperament and what his mother's complaints on you can do to him. based on that take decision. there's nothing wrong in being open about your concern. do not complain.instead tell him straight that you too know it's inappropriate that you do not visit him in those 2 months but these are your concerns. also tell him at some other occasion that you'd be happy if he visited your folks too. don't tell both points at the same time... we don't want to start a discussion 'so i'll do this and i want this in return'... unfortunately such conditions do not work, esp in this india trip subject. if at all you feel he's somewhat firm about you visiting his folks, irrespective of the gifts excuse, then do it.
but remember to update him first that you visited them and if any major inconvenience did occur don't hesitate to tell him in simple words. never cry and show your weakness.

keep your mouth shut and as they say be a guest and nothing else. don't expect any good smiles, happy faces. be like a water drop on lotus leaf. only this can help handling such people. arguments, tears will not come to our rescue at all. this i have learnt after 10 years of married life and typical fears every time i go to india. my parents and in-laws live in the same city and that makes it even more complicated. it's okay to ask for suggestions but only you know your DH's nature. so act according to that. men who clearly are not the same when their family is around will never understand our point. since esp you'll have to anyway spend 20 days with him at the end of the trip these couple of days will be remembered by him (atleast i hope so!). you don't want to return to your home abroad with bitter feelings, do you. they'll anyway give you only bad imprints but you can only try to be in peace with your husband.

good luck!
Latha

 

Hi Nitya,

Its advisable to stay with your In-laws atleast for 2-3days even if you dont like it, in order to avoid criticism by your ILs & DH in future,tell your DH tht inspite of you having fears of being ill-treated at ur IL's place,you still want to be fair by spending sometime with them in his absence.Ask your DH to infrm your ILs abt ur vacation schedule when he is in India itself, so tht your PILs wont bring this issue again in his absence.

Have a Happy&Peaceful Vacation

 

Hi,
Tell your husband to bring the gifts to his family since he will be visiting them also. Anyway you are visiting them with your husband, so why don't you just enjoy spending time with your parents. It is very insulting that he won't visit your parents and you will have to visit his people. Good Luck and enjoy your trip
Rojamalar