India vacation & Co-Sis issues

honey4 · Apr 16, 2010

ILites,

This is my first thread. I need your opinion on whether I should make India trip in future. Happily married for over 5 years (currently in US from past 3+ years) and expecting a baby soon and I am on H4. My parents are going to be here for 6 months for my delivery and I am planning to go along with them to India for a 2 month vacation and DH will join me later. Upon return, my in-laws would accompany us for a 6 month stay in US. My DH has elder bro who is married. Here is the situation:

1. Overall, my MIL is good natured but she can be unreasonable sometimes. For instance, she expects me to stay at her place most of the time when I feel like spending equal time at both In-Law's and parent's place. (Both parents and In-Laws live in same city). Also she doesn't respect my plans or may be I should say I am hesitant to speak up my mind and need some tips on how to do that without sounding dis-respectful. Once my DH joins me, situation will be better because he supports me. But this is least of my problems. Please read second one.

2. A brief background...my co-sis and I used to get along Okay during initial years. It is a whole different story now on how she tries to dominate me, finds faults with me and competes with me whenever she can and if she cannot, she hates me. I always am the type who is bullied and she is the type who bullies me. Also I don't make a scene since I don't want to be the reason for a rift between both brothers.

Now the problem is both of us were trying to conceive a child around same time and both of us had issues. Finally, I am pregnant now and she resents me so much that she stopped talking to me the minute we declared I am pregnant. (This is not the first time...it happened earlier with my first pregnancy which I miscarried). She never congratulated both times and she completely shut me out. Now having said that, I totally sympathize with her situation and I know how hard it can be when you are trying to get pregnant and everyone around you is but not you. Even though she behaves like that with me I try to understand her feelings. Right now the situation is so awkward that younger son is having a baby before elder son...relatives are questioning my BIL and Co-sis when are they going to give the good news. I know its painful for them.

Now what has this to do with my vacation? if I am going for a vacation with the baby, I am afraid it might hurt her further. DH will join me later and once he is there, everyone will expect us to visit my BIL and Co-sis place at least once and I am afraid how she will react.

Instead should I wait until she too is pregnant and then plan a trip or should I ignore her feelings and do what I want? May be I am thinking too much. Please help me.

desidiva · Apr 16, 2010

Honey,

Your co-sis's behavior was childish but on the other hand, I can totally understand the pain she feels. She, however, is taking out her frustration and anger on the wrong person. The problem is made worse by all the social pressures in India with relatives and friends questioning about them having no baby.

I have been in the same boat myself for the last one year when we have been trying to conceive and find out each month that we are not. What made it worse was that many of my friends/relatives were. The last blow was when not one, not two but three of my DH best friends announced that their wives were pregnant one after the other on Diwali. Seeing my husband's face on the last announcement broke my heart. From that moment onwards, I have made myself stronger by not crying every month when I get my period because I know my husband is taking this worse than I am. I was worried sick when we went to India in Jan with no baby or any such news after 6 years of marriage. But it all turned out good because we didn't let anyone or anything get to us. We made plans on how we wanted to spend our vacation and when we got there, we enjoyed ourselves to the fullest without giving a second thought to all the social factors.

In your case, I say if this vacation is what you need and want, go for it. But, have a heart to heart talk with your co-sis. If she refuses to talk to you, write her a letter about how you feel and how you support her and understand her. If she understands, it's good, if she doesn't, there is not much you can do. So, I think it's best that you stick to your plan and go there. The reality is if she doesn't have a baby for the next five years, the same situation is going to be there. Do you want to not go to India for the next five years if that is the case?

Whatever you decide, I feel that you should at least discuss this issue with your family as it seems she needs all the emotional support from the family she can get. Especially your mil. Your mil could be instrumental in guarding her from other's rude comments or questioning by being by her side. See if you can get her some help from all of the family members in this regard without making her feel like you are rubbing it in her face that she is childless.

Another suggestion is, get her the medical help she needs if she is not already going for it. Find out what she can do and where she needs to start. Again, this is a little tricky as she might take it the wrong way but you can judge better than I can.

My only other concern is for your baby. Do you really want to take a small baby to India? I don't mean any offense here but I have heard that taking a small baby from here to India is a risky move. You can check with your OB GYN and Pediatrician on this.

honey4 · Apr 16, 2010

@desidiva:

Thanks for your response. My MIL is very understanding about our infertility issues and she never says a word. But she too is helpless in guarding her all the time from remarks of relatives.
I agree infertility is painful and social pressure in India is very bad. Yes my co-sis is getting the medical help but doesn't like to discuss with me. As I said, she is too hurt to talk to me. I encouraged my DH to talk to his brother about it but he is uncomfortable talking this with his brother. They are close but he still feels awkward discussing this with him. Also his Brother never acknowledged the fact that his wife is upset over this. So my DH doesn't want any confrontations. My in-laws stays in a different city than my DH's bro. Whenever we call MIL, she talks inquires about my health etc but when my Co-Sis is visiting them, my pregnancy is not much discussed. So I don't think this topic is open for discussion in the house. So the decision is up to me and my DH whether to make this trip.

Thanks for the concern regarding making a trip with small baby. Its on my mind too but I will get the baby all vaccines before I make a trip. By that time my baby would be close to 6 months old. So I hope its going to be fine.

shrutidunwoody · Apr 16, 2010

I would just say call your co sister. Discuss with her and give her tips for conceiving. Ask her whether she needs ovulation kits as in india , people dont get it. Show that you are genuiely concerned for her. Maybe after you talk to her things might be different.

ShilpaMa · Apr 16, 2010

Honey.. I wish you all the best for the baby & delivery.
Sorry to say but there's not much you can do here to imprvoe relations with your co-sis apart from reciprocating to her when you meet her in a positive way.

What others do or dont do, its always a blow to a woman suffering with no baby in indian society & she's highly vulnerable to take everything thing and advise in a wrong way.

if I am going for a vacation with the baby, I am afraid it might hurt her further.
Dont think on these lines.. just go ahead and enjoy your vacation & baby. Try sharing tips to co-sis only if you're comfy initiating the topic else just say dont worry my child has already signed up with his/her cousin and it shall soon come via you :thumbsup. These are very sensitive topics to people who dont have the child & leave her with enough space & moral support.

preethi rao · Apr 16, 2010

Dear Honey,

If its me,

====
I will leave the issues aside, enjoy my pregancy, child birth and bringing up the child at US with DH and parents and inlaws when the visit me. and visit India later as full family, self, child and DH.

I u/stand cosister feelings, and would not want to be in her bad books. I am so sacred of that, At this time, i would want everyones care and praises only, not someone cursing me, so out of way will be good.

====

Whatever u do - Take care Honey, Pray God.

All the best.

Priya16 · Apr 16, 2010

I think you don't think too much on your co-sister feelings.If your husband decide to meet his brother then join him be casual and don't bring up baby talking with her and talk to her just normal other household things and come back.
Just leave to your husband and in-laws.Or they can drop by at your in-laws place to see your guys.But you don't dedice to meet them or not based on your co-sister feeling.She migth have sad feelings but you can't avoid her or she can't avoid you.It's between brothers and let them decide.

kinjal · Apr 17, 2010

i would say you continue with your trip.
Nobody knows when TTC will be sucessfull...are you going to stay without visiting india for so long.

Talk to her in general...do not initiate any topic related to fertility and children. If she start this topic then give her positive support.

I do not think you can do anything more. She herself has to come out of this depression.

honey4 · Apr 17, 2010

Thanks for all the responses ladies!! I appreciate it.

Yes I think I am gonna go with my plans because its true no one knows how long its going to take for her...but I will continue to support her if she opens up to me. I am already very cautious not to bring up any topic related to my pregnancy. I am praying to god everyday to bless her with a baby soon.