Incident I Had With My Maid

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by AditiShining, Jul 11, 2022.

  1. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    Wow. You just put my words here. This is @yellowmango .Happy to see you after a long time dear.:hello:
     
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  2. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    But the sad part is the OP will have difficulty changing, if at all. Esp in India where there is tremendous social pressures.

    it’s better to be in a “shack up” relationship where either lover can leave at the drop of a hat than to be forced to sit on the floor and give your paycheck to the woman who gave birth to your useless husband.
     
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  3. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    It can be done slowly. She needs to be strong
     
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  4. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    I hope you are right

    the only person to kneel down to is God, not some pathetic old woman.
     
  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Got a WA from my young 30-something neighbor who's visiting India. Sudden plans and her FIL will be coming with them when they return next week. I have to clear up her freezers of raw and marinated non-vegetarian items, leaving the fully pre-cooked ones. I sent my husband to do the needful. : ) After transfer to our freezer task accomplished, he asks me, "the items are worth almost $300. will you be giving her back the items or money or do we get them free?" : )

    That cleanup of her freezers reminded me of this thread.
    I think pretty much all women, educated or not, and their parents put up with restrictions or antiquated expectations from in-laws. Maybe more in the initial years of married life. It can range from wearing bindi, bangles when in-laws are around, not wearing shorts or western clothes, not cooking non-veg at home, husband helping less with chores. I have one friend who does daily morning pooja when her MIL is visiting. That kitchen cabinet is permanently closed otherwise. : )

    We condition our mind to accept our adjustments or practices as "OK" or "for the greater peace" and those by others as regressive. In the case of OP, many of us find her wearing only salwar kameez as an OK restriction, pressing feet also OK if voluntary, whereas sitting on the floor gets a horrified "some pets are treated with more respect."

    Half a century or more ago, women were expected to be subservient etc, listen without question to in-laws and husband. Now, they are expected to stand up for themselves and assert their rights, dignity, equality, freedom with in-laws and husband. If a woman finds it simpler to follow some restrictions, she's deemed a hopeless case, bonded slaved with no self-respect etc and education wasted upon her.

    Nothing has changed. Maintaining society's values or overturning them, the task is squarely put on the shoulders of women.
     
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2022
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  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Since you quoted....

    Fifty years back was a long long time back. The last case of sati in India was in 2006. Are we allowed to call that regressive?

    Yes we all make some adjustments but in 2022...being made to sit on the floor, not being allowed to eat with family and being made to press feet are not adjustments...these are regressive practices.

    The OP has a habit of posting these threads about the regressive practices she is made to follow and subtely glorifies these practices as ' respect for elders'.
    This is a pattern . It is the holier than thou bent of the threads that irritate. She posts about her ' situation' and when people suggest ways to get out of it....it is usually followed by ' I do it out of respect for elders' .

    Even that was fine...but her curt behavior ( as she mentioned) with the maid for asking a very obvious and thought provoking question was that demanded a reply. I just reminded her why the maid would ask that question and also that the maid was in a much better place than her because she obviously has more choices in whether to bear with the behaviour and she is getting paid too.

    I guess calling out regressive behaviour of men and inlaws is a taboo now in this forum .I guess calling out regressive practices is not okay now.I guess subtle glorification of regressive practices is okay .

    Yes...if women are being forced to follow such practices by their husband's and inlaws ...then the onus is on the women to change it .Who else will bring the change in this case?...the man who does not want to question or the inlaws who want a bonded labor?

    The first step towards that is to stop glorifying it as ' respect for elders' and the second in to stop finding justification for educated working women following the practice.
     
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2022
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  7. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Gold IL'ite

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    Its just sad to even know in an almost ending 2022 year and looking fwd to 2023 still educated women have to be submissive, compromise and adjust with humiliation, insults and being treated as doormat in the name of being sanskari and respect for elders.

    It was 1995 when one of my 31yr old newly married aunt was harassed by her dh n inlaws for more dowry (despite taking 50k cash and some hefty grams of gold). Even after givinf it, she was treated as maid. Was supposed to cook for all and serve all first. Then she was given left over food that too she had no rights to sit on table she was told to sit in a corner of living room and eat her
    Food.
    Long story short, she went for divorce after trying hard to accept her fate and marriage when she realised she had full support of her family. She won the case recovered dowry amount and jewels and also got alimony since she was not that educated and had no earnings.
    Ffwd today, she is in mid 50s...alone, but free from torture.
    Standing up for self doesn't need education. It needs acknowledgement that one is being illtreated and then acceptance and further actions to take a stand.
    I pity OP but refrain from commenting as she is firm in her thoughts that whatever she is doing is out of fear or respect for her inlaws n not out of force! Though only she should analyse and accept the difference!
     
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  8. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    Oh no. Please call out all regressive practices and behavior of inlaws.
    Who said it's a taboo in this forum?
    How are we going to improve ourselves then?
     
  9. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @yellowmango,

    Any husband who is blind to such regressive practices is a facilitator and is directly responsible for aiding and abetting such behavior. Dignity of women should be protected at home at any cost. If it involves confrontation with the parents of the man of the house, so be it. I agree women has to stand up against such practices but definitely man has to do everything to protect the dignity of his spouse. I will even go to the extent of saying that the parents of the women who have the knowledge of such conditions at married daughter’s home should not advice them to adjust. This situation creates unpalatable condition for the women. There is a thin line between such demeaning practices vs dowry demand. There are laws to prevent harassment due to dowry. This should be expanded to cover such practices as well that denies human dignity. Talking ill of woman’s parents, preventing her from visiting her parents, cutting her off from her siblings, etc are also, in my opinion, a regressive practice.
     
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2022
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  10. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    I actually disagree with both of you in the matter of this OP. I think this OP is a very confused young woman who was brought up in and married into very conservative families. I feel she was raised on this narrative of ‘evil, irreverent, disrespectful Bahus who come in with new fangled notions and have no regard for traditions’ and just swallowed it uncritically and resolved to be the best bahu ever! A good, respectful one not like those bold brassy feminists! And yet much to her surprise and in spite of her best efforts post marriage, she herself is being treated like an ‘evil bahu’, shouted at, held at arm’s length given ultimatums etc. The disconnect has confused her because ‘wait a minute, I’m not one of them then why am I being treated like I am? So she comes here with her questions and doubts and I think it behooves us to help her and answer them. No? I don’t think there’s anyone in her real life she can turn to with these ahem heretical queries.
    And YM I feel that because she’s on the fence and unsure I think she periodically keeps insisting she does everything ’out of respect.’ Not to be holier than thou. There is much she needs to clarify for herself in her mind about what really constitutes respect, what constitutes fear, and the difference between the two in my opinion.
     
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2022
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