Incident I Had With My Maid

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by AditiShining, Jul 11, 2022.

  1. AditiShining

    AditiShining Bronze IL'ite

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    I'm alone in home for 2 days as my husband has gone to a work trip and my MIL is at a marriage. I'm making most of this time. Yesterday I had called my friends from my office. I'm wearing dresses I like, I'm keeping my hair open.

    My MIL is very conservative. She had raised my husband alone. My husband had told me that I'm supposed to follow whatever MIL says. So when my MIL is with me, I have to follow her rules like wearing only salwar Kameez all the time, I have to serve food and I get to eat after MIL and husband have eaten. She doesn't even like if I sit on the sofa in front of her. I sit on the floor if I need to sit and she is in the living room.

    Today I asked my maid to massage my legs as I was tired. My maid washes utensils, does preparation of dinner and massages my MIL's legs. Maid is a 19 years old girl. I was wearing knee length shorts and T-shirt. When she was massaging my legs, she told " Didi can I ask you something?" I told her to tell with eyes closed enjoying the leg massage. "Didi you're so modern still you follow everything your MIL says without hesitating. How are you able to do this Didi?" I initially became angry and just told her to massage my calves well. She kept massaging my legs without saying anything for 20 minutes. Then I told her that "I respect my MIL as she has raised my husband alone so I follow her wishes"

    But I'm questioning if I'm hypocrite for living a completely different life when MIL is not around?

    What do you think?
     
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  2. Dishaa

    Dishaa Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Op,

    You are not an hypocrite.

    In my view you are the type if woman who belives in respecting and loving their elders and their wishes.

    You prefer to place family wishes ahead, you try to adjust and try to mould yourself accordingly.

    Whenever you get your own space and time, you try to be yourself.
     
  3. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Not at all a hypocrite. You respect her wishes so much when she is around. When she is gone for a trip, you can indulge in a few freedoms.

    If it continues to bother you, maybe you can confess to her. The timing and how you say it will be important.

    When: Don't confess soon after she comes. On her return, give her sufficient time to re-establish her authority over the place. She is sure to look around, up and down the house, for any changes you have made or small things to point out like dust on the table or floor. So, don't spring it on her when she is still re-acclimatizing to the house. Give it a day or two and preferably when your husband is not home.

    How: Say it casually, like the desire to confess just happened to cross your mind. Maybe, on the maid's day off, you are massaging MIL's feet. Lay your head on her lap ... without eye contact, softly tell her you have something to say. Start speaking and stop a few times. Then, half-apologetically, half-fearfully tell about wearing shorts (or maybe lengthen it to capris) when she was gone. Skip the hair open and inviting office friends parts. If all goes good, she might end up recalling similar incidents from her 20's and 30's. If she seems to get a bit angry, show contriteness and say 'of course, it won't happen again.. just wanted to say and feel light ...' End with an extra good massage of the calves, more ginger & ilaichi in the chai, and a sincere heart-warming smile. Pull down and re-arrange the saree neatly around her feet. Straighten any curled-up errant edges.

    Unrelated: Try not to encourage such questions from the maid. She might carry gossip to your MIL & neighbors or convey an altered version of what you say. Good people like you have to be extra careful in guarding their niceness.
     
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2022
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  4. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @AditiShining

    In my view, inconsistency in the behavior when someone is watching vs not watching brings conflict in the mind. If you have alread accepted your MIL's words for a certain way of living including dress code and hair do, stick with it even in her absence. Truthfulness inside is much more important than the opinion of others. If you like freedom from such restrictions, you should stand up for yourself to your husband and MIL and establish you have freedom to wear what you like and do hair the way you like at least a day or two in a week.

    You have been nice to your MIL all your married life and when you do things behind her back, sooner or later, this will get to the ears of your MIL either through your maid or through some other source. If you begin doing things behind your MIL's back, your subconscious mind will long for her absence and all the effort you have put in to be in the good books of your MIL will be wasted. It will be encrypted in your subconscious mind, your life is restricted without any freedom. If you like to be peaceful inside, maintain the consistent way of living without any change.
     
  5. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    don't over think. you are on the right path. but that does not mean be like this forever. slowly with love change to a comprising middle way . ignore these side trackers
     
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  6. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    I am born and raised in USA, so I don't understand the Indian mindset.

    Dolly Jain (celebrity saree draper) said when she was married, she was forced to wear saree and hated it. Then she came to love it.

    Salwar Kameez are pretty

    Sarees are beautiful

    Hec, I am in USA and wish to wear sarees to work (luckily I am in a laid-back work environment)

    But it seems you are on a leash. You earn money from office, yet you are your MIL's slave.

    I hope you can live as you wish.

    Whether you want to wear salwar kameez and saree while your MIL insists you wear halter tops and daisy dukes.

    Whether you want to sit on the floor and press MILs feet, while MIL insists you sit on the couch next to her and eat cookie-dough ice cream.

    It seems you are not happy with your arrangement, otherwise your maid's words wouldn't have bothered you.

    People (esp servants) are malicious. I hope you can straighten things out and live as you wish.
     
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  7. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    You are trying to please everyone but make sure you are not in danger of losing your own self. I understand that you are newly married. Don’t rock the boat dramatically but over time start making small changes so you don’t feel completely subjugated.
    Otherwise the pressure will build up and may have unnecessary consequences.
    As for talking with the maid it is best to keep a distance and keep the relationship formal.
     
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  8. sociallifein30s

    sociallifein30s Silver IL'ite

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    Well you need to cater to your comforts once in a while right? Otherwise you will be doing yourself an injustice.
    I think we all have a behavior/pattern with each person in our lives. When we are alone, we are in shorts, when we are with friends we are different from what we are with parents. When mom comes over, we might not wear a bra. When dad comes in, we wear a chunni. When colleagues come over, we wear an ironed dress even at home. When no one is there, we might even run around in lingerie. So i think thats normal.
    We even behave differently with different people. We probably speak softly when we are with colleagues but laugh so hard with mom/dad. So I think you are knowledgeable enough to draw the right lines. So you are good sister !
     
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  9. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    I don't think the maid is malicious.
    She just openly stated what she noticed.

    AditiShining. You have to find a middle ground.
    You have to live for yourself as well. Take care of your mil. But don't be a slave. Respect your wishes too.
    Atleast you have stopped massaging her legs. That's a start.
     
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  10. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Don’t worry about it.Firstly..you said nothing wrong or you did nothing wrong.

    Honestly if you want to leave your hair open or dress a certain way..it is totally your wish and you can communicate your needs to your husband and mil..You seem to be a nice understanding dil.Hope your mil understands how good a dil she has got.
     
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