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in pain...

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by parvathi1980, Jun 16, 2010.

  1. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    hi,
    well my prob requires a lengthy explanation...here goes...

    I live abroad and have been married for 6yrs and have a son. My parents and married elder sister r in India. Now my sister was earlier not living in the same city as my parents. I used to keep in touch with my parents thru phone calls, internet chatting and sms. One yr back i changed my country of residence. At around the same time my sister along with her family moved to the same city as my parents.

    Now my parents barely ever talk to to me. They have refused to come online and chat with me. Here phone calls are expensive so i tell them to come online once in a while so that we can talk without worrying about the bill. But my mom bluntly refused. They hardly ever reply to my sms's as well. In fact it was so bad that my mom went alone to meet my grandmom who lives in another city and i got to know after she had left. No big deal but that never usd to happen earlier.

    Since my sister now stays close to my parents she keeps visiting them. Both parties take good care of each other. THis time wen i went to India after a few days at my parents house my sis called and said that she with her daughter will move there as well for a few days and wen she goes to work me nd my mom will have to take care of two toddlers! I told my mom that i am here on vacation and though fond of my niece i want to spend some time with u guys. After one yr i also needed some pampering by my mom. I was angry and had a fight with her. One of the reasons being that my dh was at his parents place and my toddler did not get along well with my mom! So i was basically taking care of him single handedly.

    I somehow feel that my parents have been ignoring me. I am feeling very low and am extremely stressed. I am not close to my dh's family and now it appears to me that my parents also don't bother.

    I think i have missed out several points...hope u ladies can figure something out so that i can feel better coz talking to my dad has not helped much.

    Thnx.
     
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  2. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    Are you living in India? Not clear from your post (or maybe I didnt get it)
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2010
  3. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Yeah I can understand your situation. Its usually out of sight out of mind with people but never knew parents can be like that too.
    Maybe you are missing something from your end. Weigh these scenarios...

    1.Are you caring and loving to your parents, inquire about their health in a timely manner ?
    2.Wish them and gift them on their birthdays, anniversaries, mom/dad day etc ?
    3.Are you taking time to call them and talk to them ? (even though its expensive).
    4.Are you listening to their problems patiently and offering solace ? (Chatting and smsing maybe cheaper for you but technology is always a pain for old people, so try talking on the phone).
    5.Are you encouraging them with their hobbies and retired life ?

    I am guessing since your sister is so near, she does all these and invariably your parents will bond with your sister more than you. Try to reach out more from your end. Parents dont need money, they need your time.
     
  4. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    @Spiderman
    i am living abroad. i went to india for a month after 1 yr. THat was 2 months back.

    @Rosegirl
    Even i thought the same. out of sight and out of mind. IT hurts.
    Actually i do keep calling them. atleast once a week. talk to them for a long time. share the latest with them. tell them everything about my son's latest activities. Everything including his toilet training!

    I do call them on b'day's anniversaries etc.

    My father is not retired as yet and is quite familiar with e-mail and stuff.

    Actually i keep posting my sons photos and videos for them to see. But they do not see those pics nowadays. Earlier they used to check my website.

    My father is not well these days. HE was being taken to the hospital and i called my sister. so i got to know that he is being admitted and will have to undergo angiography. I kept calling for regular updates. He was discharged yday and i did not call 2day so no message from their side as well. Infact they are at my sister's place since she nd her dh r doctors and can give my dad the reqd injections. I feel that they can atleast send one sms.
     
  5. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

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    I really feel for you, I really do.
    Just hang in there... Things will turn good.
     
  6. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    Well i will go into a little more detail...

    My mom and sis are extremely close. They have always been. My parents consider my sister to be perfect. When i was in school they used to tell relatives of her achievements with pride. BUt what used to hurt me was the fact that i have heard them tell relatives that the elder one is extremely good natured and the younger one has a terrible temper! I was officially the villian for god knows what reason. Infact a few younger cousins once told me that i am so unlike my elder sister who is so sweet!

    All the above is my perception of things...

    My sister is extremely intelligent. She plays her cards really well. If she has a minor prob she will portray it as a really big one in front of parents! Sometimes it gets irritating. Not that my life is perfect but i just don't sing songs about my probs.

    My dad has put my sis as a nominee in one of his investments. My name is not to be seen anywhere. Money is not the issue but it is the thought that counts. Don't misunderstand me...i don't want money from them. Actually it did not make sense since she nd her dh both are doctors and are earning well...so why this partiality? My mom shud have been the nominee but instead it is my sis!

    i think i have mixed things up...hope u make sense of what i have written.
     
  7. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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  8. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Parvathi,

    Have you tried asking them the reason for the disconnect? Have you tried telling them that your feelings are hurt? I think you need to.

    As for what they have said about you in the past, I think sometimes when people talk, they do not stop to think how it will make others feel. In this case, seems like your parents did not stop to think how their words would might effect you. But it's not too late to get it off your chest and let them know that hearing that type of stuff from them hurts and you'd like it to stop. Ask them to let others decide for themselves what they think about your 'nature'.

    Also, anyone who tells you that you are unlike your 'sweet sister' is rude. If your cousin was so sweet herself, she would not have bothered to make such a tactless comment.

    It is obvious this is bothering you, so please strike up a conversation with your folks as soon as possible and get to the bottom of why they no longer want to keep in touch. Is it possible your sister is behind their hesitancy to call? Seems to me she could be miffed that you didn't want to babysit for her when you were in India, and is now playing emotional games with your parents to spite you. It would be worth your time to call your sister and see what's going on with her, since it seems like her and your parents go hand in glove.
     
  9. Vennella

    Vennella Gold IL'ite

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    Parvathi,

    How close are you with your sister? If you have a good relationship, maybe you should share your feelings with her. From your post, it sounds like your parents are going through a stressful time with your father's procedure....maybe they are too busy...or don't want to upset you with more details......could be the reason they are not calling you.
    sometimes even parents won't realize they are doing something wrong....when they get back to normal, talk to your mom and dad
    also you should realize that after all your sister is actually there and taking care of them.....which is good for your parents
     
  10. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

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    @ASG: Actually i have spoken to them. They said they never meant any of that to hurt..."if at all they said it" coz my mom does not remember.
    What my cousins said was actually several yrs back and wat shocked me at that time that it was my male cousins who were younger to me who said this.:bonk The adults used to say such things several times nd i used to ignore it. I used to be very shy of relatives nd this was always the biggest issue...the elder one is so outgoing nd the younger one does not talk at all! Anyhow over the yrs i have changed nd post marriage i am happy to be away from all relations:thumbsup

    My relations with my sis has never been anything fantastic. we have never been close. i don't share anything with her since i have noticed that she does not empathise with my probs instead she will try to show that her life is full of bigger troubles and then my poor parents will do everything for her to make things easy for her! We r pole opposite personalities. I am emotional and she very rarely gets emotional. Only in front of my mom where she can then get her work done! She also does not share anything with me. Infact about 6 months back i tried sending a few emails to her so that we don't lose touch but she did not reply after the first one...so i stopped.

    THis disconnect has not happened now. It has been going on for the last one yr coinciding with my sis moving to the same city as my parents. She must be angry that i refused to babysit but this incident happened 2 months back wen i went to india after one yr.

    Yeah on that point i have always agreed that my sister takes good care of them. So it is good that she is in the same city.

    U know i feel terrible now coz i don't feel like going nd meeting my family now. My dad is not well and to be honest i no longer want to visit them even though i can't stop worrying about him. Actually it is not possible to visit them now since i will be a burden on them rite now but i am not looking forward to any future opportunity. This thought scares me:-(
     

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