In-laws visiting need help......i am freaking out!!!!

gdwwm1 · May 7, 2011

Hi,
My mil,fil n sil are going to visit us in summer in the US. I am freking out...I have been married for 3 yrs now...n in the total of 3 yrs I have actually stayed with them only for a very small time...during the stay my experience was bitter sweet...
I guess I shud give u a background of my family. I was from a nuclear family n not used to lot of ppl around me all the time...my hubby's family is huge n even though as a unit my dh,mil,fil.sil r in a nuclear setup they r very close on the MIL side of the family...n evry thing has to be approved by his grandmother (mils's mom). n grand mom is nice but the issue is all my MIL's siblings ie dh's uncles n aunts have daughters n most of them are married so they r treated without bias...but since i am the only DIL in the family everything that we do is under microscope...like we want to buy a house n live sepreatly... whenever i raise this subject...my mil goes aroud saying that according to indian traditions we must stay with our son and son should take care of parents for ever so no matter what..we will be with u folks...n she ridicules my parents for not having a son to fallback on...sick!!!!......my point of view is that...we r grown adults and since my mil,sil live their own lives n have their space...why should we not have our own space...and its not like they r very old n are dependent...i am saying why not live close by n be there for each other...rather than being under one roof n costantly harbor anger towards each other....besides even now some time my mil's mother visits her...n stays with her...my point is ...what if my parents want to come n stay with us for a while..... where will they stay?? our house does not have that much space why such double standards......she is constanly under the fear that i will snatch her son away...n sometimes i feel all this crap is fed to her by her side of the family as she gets carried waya very easily ....now another cousin of my hubby recently bought a house n her in-laws r in a different state...n they r moving to a different sate to live alone but all that is justified with some idiotic excuses by my MIL
....My Mil some timse can say very hurtful things...but she never says anything directly...she will always give example or someone else's reference basically sugar quote it..and it will be such a ways that I cant even counter argue..
She can be very petty n cheap about small materials things like clothes vessels...n irrelevant least important stuff
When i was with my inlaws my hubby went abroad for wrk...so decided to go n stay with my parents..and returned a week before my hubby's return...for that she said that she felt very bad that i dint stay with them...and her complaint was that I have never stayed with her without my hubby around....and all my sils spend ample amount of time with their parents...I hate such double standards...first a fall we dint even have a decent room to say in...n if me n my hubby got our room n close the doors then she complains about that as well... another incident i just remembered was i was having sore throat n cold n feeling very down...n we were going to visit my DHs grandma the next day...she come in n says...after marriage u haven't cooked yet..every one will ask how u cook...i will have to lie that u cook well why don't u cook todays dinner i felt like screaming at her for her insensitivity..will she ever do that to her daughter...n...this after i help her in chopping, cleaning all the stuff in the kitchen while my sis in laws sits n orders me around....and one last annoying habit she has is constantly self parsing her my SIL n everything she does....it can be really annoying at times....even after coming here in US she will call us in the night n if we say we r about to sleep she wouldn't hang up..she will continue talking as if its ok ...she can be very clingy n annoying at times...if i say some thing she will double check n cross verify to make sure i am telling the truth n that she will do in a very sweet manner...i have to constantly watch what i have to tell her.. because i don't know what topic will become complicated in the future...so this is my mils background.
Now my issue is that mil,sil,fil are going to be here for some time...i am not only worried about how am i going to handle her 24/7...besides i am also worried about the finances...i am worried that they have big plans here...n its going to put a strain on our finances...my hubby never confronts them....i will have to do it...i dont know what melodrama this is going to cause...my DH doesn't make as much money as my sils hubby so he (sil's hubby) can afford to spend we cannot...bt i dont know if they realize this....besides we have lot of expenses coming up as we have to travel to india at year end which we all know can be pretty expensive...with all this at the end of this year we would have lost half of our savings...i dont know what to do...should i openly confront my mil n tell here..that this what her son makes n this is what we can afford...n request her not to burden us...because they r financially independant...if fact much richer than us..both my Mil n Sil n her hubby...so why is it fair to make us pay for everything , just because he is the son.....we also deserve to start our life...we have been putting off having n baby because we want to be financially settled...but whats the point if now we end up spending half of our saving for luxury trips to go sight seeing around US ....n we sacrifice our dreams while my SIL n her hubby fulfill their goals...it doesn't seem fair at all...How do i politely convince my in-laws to handle half of the expenses n tell her we that there is only so much we can do... should i approach her my MIL now itself or wait n see if they actually ask us to spend or offer to do it on their on..i don't want to approach them to early as I have faint ray of hope that they might sponsor to do the needful ....kindly advice....n also pls suggest how to handle her 24/7...sorry for boring u all with my long post....hope some one will give me some good words of wisdom...

Thanks

chitmin · May 7, 2011

Finances is always a sensitive topic, and I think it would be best if their son, i.e., your husband broaches the topic with them. If your in laws are already worried that you are out to "snatch their son away from them", then why add fuel to the fire by speaking with them about finances. I'm pretty sure they're not going to take too kindly to that. If their son were to discuss it with them, then it might carry more weight.
All the best!

KateOguinn · May 8, 2011

Let her know, (either you or dh can tell her), that you need to have xyz amount of money saved before you can consider having a baby. If she's like most MIL the idea of a grandson is on the top of her mind. So you tell her you have to save as much as you can, and of course, she must understand----and, isn't she proud of her son for being so wise about money, how well she raised him....---you get it

Really, you won't be fibbing. You are saving money for your future and the hubby is kinda great.

To get along with her---here's my favorite way to avoid an argument. "You might be right, but I'm not sure" Drives my dh crazy because there's nothing to argue back with.

gdwwm1 · May 8, 2011

Hi
we just had a call from my Mil side...n they were discussing the plans...n told us to check for tickets n said they will also check at their side....now they did not mention who will pay for the expenses...as after the call was over i asked my hubby what he was going to do about it....as you ppl advised that my hubby should discuss this with them I asked him why did u not ask abt the money thing...whenever i raise this topic..My Hubby gets irritated..n tells me shut up n not interfere as its his money and will do whatever the hell he wants....n basically verbally abuses me....but other wise when we r calm he says i am not a fool i will do the needful but wont drive us dry...When i again pointed out the expenses we will have to incur like with the actually estimated no... my head starts to spin and I loose my calm n begin to panic...as the topic of money has not yet come into picture..ie my inlwas haven't actually told us to pay yet.i dont know what to do...am i worrying too much.... should i just think about it when they actually ask us to bear the expenses....I am scared that my hubby wont stand up n talk abt it...because as such he feels guilty that he is not showering her with gifts n makes less money than other's in the family n my mother in law will never let us forget that we r not as rich as her son in law...by saying he purchased this for his mom...or that for his mom...n i know it pinches my hubby to hear that so to prove even he can do what others are doing he will spend everything...n make us as a family suffer.... FYI..my inlwas just made a lavish expensive purchase so there is no doubt in my mind that they can bare some part of the expenses. Whenever I discuss this with my hubby its blows into an argument...so i have my doubt that when the push comes to the shove... if he will ever confront them...n I am scared to do it on my own because it will ruing my reputation with my in laws...my hubby is going to scream bloody murder n my life will become a living nightmare....i am so frustrated with this situation......pls advice how do I handle this...

gdwwm1 · May 9, 2011

hi...I see a lot of ppl reading this thrad but no one seems to be replying...pls do reply as I need all your opinion...this forum is gr8...n I dont feel alon n lonely...I dont want to share this with my parents or friends...so I am banking on all u ladies to give me some good advice...so pls post ur replies as well

ProudIndian · May 10, 2011

Don't freak out. Just think cooly what you can do.....can you put your savings into Fixed deposits? that way money will be locked so your dh will spend only limited and necessary expenses. Also write down budget and all expenses on paper and show it to your dh so he get idea how much it would cost you, your savings will be drained......Do you have joint accounts? If not you should make it. while buying in laws tickets remind your hubby nicely that we'll need same amount of money by yearend for our own india trip pluc shopping etc.
Best thing is put all current expenses, future possible expenses on paper so your hubby get insight......Good luck

ars · May 10, 2011

Dear,
The bottom line is you want to have a happy peaceful life with your H. Forget il's parents and everyone else. Its your DH's parents who is visiting. It looks like your H is sensible understands most of your concerns with money but seems hard to act on it.
Atleast you have a husband who thinks like you. Now, that you have voiced your concerns take a chill pill. More you talk it will look like your nagging your H and not supporting him in his decissions.
Its only money even if he spends all on them and ends up with zero balance after their trip you both can still make all that money and some more back again. Let him do what he wants to do. Let him experince the joy of being a good son and at the same time if your IL's treat him badly than the sadness of being a son who is not appreicated.
Take this as a learnig experince for both you and support him.
Once he realizes that you sttod by him than see how your life changes. Even with a zero balance in bank account you will be one happy wife.

Meghanareddy · May 10, 2011

All the properties your inlaws earned is for their children . your husband gets a great share of it . Why are you wasting your precious time , thinking about small things.
How can you argue that a son cannot sponsor his own parents and please them.
Just leave it ;
remember one thing ; Most men are very good until their parents topic comes in for argument.you cannot win the argument even if you are reasonable.
So, just keep up your respect.
what you can do is
-You can look out for deals in advance so that you can save money
-You guys can invest in a property by taking loan etc so that some of your savings will go to EMI
- I think once they come here ; you can also explain in general or by citing somebodys example etc -that they will understand how hard we are living in us and this will eliminate unnecessary expenditure.