in laws problems

sapnadc · Dec 16, 2015

Hello all,recently my sister in law who was living with me and my husband has moved away to different town with her husband.They have been married legally and cultural wedding is still pending.Earlier the plan was in the summer 2016 my in laws will come from back home and get them married here.My husband's financial condition changed drastically after her sister arrived in US to study and live with him one and half years ago.Since her arrival my husband took care of her every expenses,her tuition which was 17k for three semesters,her living expenses and everything.His sister is not good in school either and always struggled to pass the class.I am not sure if she will continue the school or no either.This summer we got married too so,we are in huge credit card debt.Its his debt but I feel restless as his debt is my debt too and every dollar i make i use it to pay our debt.I cannot work a lot as I am graduate student too and I will be done after one year only.Thankfully I have scholarships and I pay my own tuition without depending upon my husband.Finally talking about the problem,after my husband told his parents some time ago he is in a big credit card debt,his parents said to do the cultural wedding sometime later than summer 2016 as my sister in law and her husband are already legally married and will start living together from december as they dint want to wait for the cultural wedding till summer.I was very relieved with that idea of my mother in law.For the wedding my in laws expect from my husband to do the spending.They said the wedding can be done when we both pay off the credit card and save some money.So,me and my husband made a target to pay off the credit card debt by december 2016 by saving every penny we make.But just now my mother in law called saying that the in laws of my sister in law asked to do the wedding in summer 2016.All my hopes again died.If the wedding is to happen in summer 2016 I am pretty sure my husband will have to spend all the money he makes and get more credit card loans.We already have like 23k in debts,before my sister in law was back home my husband had no loan.Wedding means at least 10k.I always believed in simple wedding so thankfully we didnt spend a lot of money on ours wedding but I am pretty sure my sister in law is going to want a fancy wedding and my mother in law will make my husband do everything his sister wants.My in laws are not rich but they think their children should get what they want.That is why my sister in law has a bad spending habit.My husband also wants to spend money beyond his capacity but since I met him i am helping him with his habit and he has stopped doing it.He has got so many credit cards and given two credit cards to his sister to spend.But now he is careful about his expenses.A sister in law on whom my husband was spending almost half of his salary and who didnt even washed her own plate after eating left to live with her own husband and I thought things will be good now and we will finally save our money and pay off the debt but a wedding in 6 months means more credit card loans and interest,it has got me really tensed.Can anyone tell what should i do now?They already are married legally and living together.My husband wanted her sister to stay with him till summer until her cultural wedding but the sister in law didnt agree.Now she is already living with her husband and is the cultural wedding necessary in coming summer when our financial condition is so worse?Wedding means my in laws trip to U.S and their months of stay too.So more expenses there.Is waiting for one extra year good?If anyone agrees with me plz advise what should I tell my husband to convince his parents?

Iamagoodgirl · Dec 16, 2015

op why are you not able to say no! to your mil?OP does your h know how much you make?Op you need to come with some excuse and start saving your own money.If mil talk with you on phone tell her how much loan we already have and bank has said no to more loan .Convince your h to ask for help from fil.

yellowmango · Dec 16, 2015

Learn to ask questions.

If you both paid for your wedding ,why can't sil and her husband?

If you both can have a small wedding ,why can't they?

Most importantly...if they are legally wedded,where is the need for 'society wedding'?

People who want the 'society wedding' can pay for it because you don't have the funds.

If your husband or you can't stand up and say no...then be ready for a life time of debt because this will not end with this society wedding. When family members are inconsiderate and take people for granted....they don't want to see the problems of the provider.

Just tell them you cannot take any more debt on yourself.

divshiri87 · Dec 16, 2015

Dear dont be silent always as it wont provide any solution to your problems. If your dh keep on spending on his sil, it is of no use. Try to tell ur dh in a convincing way that spending all ur earnings for his sister lavish wedding is no required because they are already legally married and if they want to do cultural wedding, let them do and you both can help her with money how much ever you could. Dont be debt again for ur sil wedding. tell to ur in-laws that you can only spend some amount for your sil wedding as you are already in so much debt. How can ur mil ask her son to spend more amoun when he is already in debt? Convey ur message clearly to ur dh and mil.

YoGirl · Dec 16, 2015

Is it a love or arranged marriage?
Tell your SIL or your H to take personal loan for the wedding. This will be a reminder to everyone that wedding involves lots of money. This will also give a soft FYI to ur in-laws to take care of their US trip expenses since you are in debt.

From your desc, your ILs seems to be understanding your issue of debts, so take their help with the expenses.

chocolate · Dec 16, 2015

Op, Now is the time to make some ground rules. Your spendthrift In laws and SIL will never change. 23k in credit card debt is not a small amount. Imagine the interest on it.Your MIL telling SIL's in laws insist for summer wedding is all hogwash, she wants to put pressure on you to finish off their responsibility. Tell your hubby and in laws in no uncertain terms that that credit card debt will bite you sooner or later. You have to pay it come what may.Its also for your hubby;s job prospects. Here credit check is basic necessity for any job. Tell your in laws will they like an unemployed son becoz of their show off attitude and highhandedness.Better be bad now than suffer later. Tell your hubby the same. if you are struggling to repay 23k what makes them think you can repay 10k more of debt. By the time you repay all this you are looking atleast repaying 45 k in debt with interest.Tell your in laws to contribute some amount and buy their own tickets.

Your SIL spending half of your hubby's salary on credit cards given to her. She seems like a spoilt brat. Cancel her credit cards and tell your hubby not to fund her foolishness. If he does you wont be repaying.My hubby spent lavishly on everybody on his india trip to get married on his family. In the end we ended up sacrificing our formative yrs of marriage on repaying it. Its still brings bitterness on occassion.Dont sacrifice your formative yrs of marriage on funding foolishness. It will make you bitter about marriage.Stay firm and talk to your hubby . If he doesnt listen save some money from your stipend and let him fund all this nonsense. Good Luck.

SGBV · Dec 17, 2015

Like @yellowmango rightly said, this pattern of forcing you to spend for their luxuries will not end at the cultural wedding. There will be other functions like kid's birth, in laws visit to be with their DD's delivery, Kid's 31st day celebration and the list has no end.

Since your adult husband could not sense this rightly, I don't think you could do much about it.

Be upfront and tell your husband in a pleasant time that a cultural wedding could be very small between close family/friends, so no need to draw more money from credit card.
Tell him that you both will have kids and can't sacrifice on everything to please others.
Also remind him that his helps should be precious, and not so cheaply given every time they ask for. If so, one day they will make it as a condition. So, he will be forced to help them forever.

yellowmango · Dec 17, 2015

Op,start by canceling the credit cards given to sil.She can get her own or her husband can get for her.

Stop paying her tuition fees now.Tell her to ask her husband to pay the rest.If that is not possible,then inform her and in laws that you will either help with her tuition or her small ,simple wedding.

Or arrange for loan for the rest of her tuition fees.Let her pay it back herself.

Let it be known that she is not your responsibility for life.

kcb · Dec 18, 2015

Dear OP, your sil is already started living with her husband, then why do they need this cultural wedding now....who else they want to tell that they are wife & husband with this cultural wedding? Everyone in your circle already knew about her wedding as she is living with her husband. For me, this so called cultural wedding is looking like a show off thing.

You have to be strong, as you know too much of debt and credit card bills will affect your credit score in these foreign countries, later it will be difficult for you to get any bank loans. Better tell your MIL, if they really want a cultural wedding, then MIL and sil can together pay for it. Tell them clearly that you and your DH are not in a position to spend anything for this wedding.

Also tell your DH that his sister is married now and her husband can pay for her, so ask your husband to cancel the credit cards & stop paying the tuition fee for her. Or tell your sil to start working part time to contribute to her fee as all other students do.

Be wise now than regretting later with loads of debts.

dimhere · Dec 19, 2015

Waiting to move in with her husband - She said NO, you said YES
Simple wedding - She said NO, you said YES
Paying for her own wedding - She said NO, you said YES
Having her wedding in Dec 2016 - She said NO, you said YES

And finally,
Picking up her own plate after eating - She said NO, you said YES

When are YOU going to say NO?