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In-laws offering unsolicited/unwanted advice

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by NityaSatya, Aug 14, 2012.

  1. NityaSatya

    NityaSatya New IL'ite

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    Many of us might have facing the problem of getting unsolicited advices from in-laws especially from Mother in Law. My Mother-in-law also, is the king of unsolicited advice. She can give unwanted advice on anything on the earth which she do not know about. My MIL is living in another town , and she herself is lady who always keeps complaining about her health. (Till now doctors could not find any health issue with her, all the medicals test done are normal). She rests whole day in her house, without doing any housework. She always try to avoid any family responsibility & for that she has reason of her various non exiting health issues.

    But she keeps advising all the time wherever possible, on telephone or at personal visits.It is really difficult to digest her advices cum criticisms on parenting, finances, housework, career, shopping, clothing, fitness, rituals, festivals, cooking etc., etc. because she had never followed that in her own life.

    It really stings and those harsh words keeps ears ringing for days.Many times I get realized, what I should have said in response to her criticism an hour after she said it, when it’s too late to respond.This is the worst part of it.:bonk

    So friends now I need your Solicited Advice to handle & respond Confidently to in laws giving unsolicited advice without having arguments with them.

    Thanks in advance.
     
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2012
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  2. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Platinum IL'ite

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    hey dear

    am not sure how far this might help you if your MIL is using harsh words but when my aunt came to our house, my maternal grandmom took over preaching her the dos and donts of the house in a rather ok-ok manner. My aunt didnt fight with my grandmom. She calmly listened to her and kept saying 'ok ma, ok ma' at the end of each thing just to avoid any fights.

    And another things was whenever my aunt found that something that my grandmom tells is really good and genuine, she made a note of it and tried to concentrate on just that one thing and ignore the rest of them. For instance, my grandmom's style of cooking is just awesome. So my aunt adopted that. She made notes of it and all. but when my grandmom preaches about how to kep flowers properly she just calmly says....'ok ma, ok ma' and does it her way. When my grandmom used to question her why she kept the flowers in that manner my aunt just replied 'oh...i am used to this ma, will try to change it the enxt time i keep'.

    so when one day my grandmom started talking about managing finances which irritated my aunt a lot, she instead askeed her about some recipe and from then on both of them sat together and discusses various recipies for hours together

    So i learnt this valuable tip from her :) ..... rather than create unpleasant scenes at home, concentrating on that one bit which you think might help you might save you from a lot of trouble. Ofcouse there might be many things which says but out of those atleast one would be useful right. Try to talk over those and see if this helps you.
    ........
    My mom had a different technique to handle this kind of situation - just keeping mum. IT irritated my paternal grandmom to the core but till the end my mom maintained her silence. She would neither show she heard her nor act as if disrespecting. Just keeping mum.
    ..........
    My pedhdhamma (dad's brother's wife) used the most effective tool which i feel is way beyond me to follow it. Whenever my grandmom satrted complaining, my pedhamma used to somehow praise my grandmom before she is critisiced for it. For example - my grandmom said that the ginger pickle was bad. my pedhamma immediately said 'oh atta, i dont know how to make it the way you make you know. But trust me your son likes this right now a lot. You know i put these ingredients and do this and that.....she continued talking like that for almost 15 minutes non-stop without giving my grandmom a chance to talk any further. At the end my grandmom forget what she complained about and looked like a fool. My aunt finally won the argument in asubtle manner .... hehe as i told you before, its way beyond me to understand how she changes the senario to her advantage.

    So try and see anyone of these works for you
     
    13 people like this.
  3. malarun

    malarun Gold IL'ite

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    Hi NityaSatya,

    I face the same situation.. other than this I have no issues from my MIL...

    I have learnt to IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE.... NOthing can be done in this issue...

    You know what her unsolicited advise I really feel irritated is to take her healthy son to doctor and get a checkup he looks really thin... I was like oh really I thought he has to become more thin... he has his tummy protruding now... For everyone she says goto hospital she feels the whole world is sick...

    I have learnt the act of ignoring... So I give a smile and move away from the place when these things start...

    Thanks
    Malar
     
  4. Rise

    Rise Platinum IL'ite

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    All you need to do is.. say ... Yes i will do it, Yes I agree, Yes you are Right.... and blankly ignore.... do what you think is right... thats wht i do though!!!.....I just take in what i need to hear.... one day it so happened that i even dozed off listening to advices hahhaa.....
     
  5. sarajara

    sarajara Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Nitya satya,

    MyMIL stays with us.. and there are such taunts and leg pullers in the daily routine..

    So you just need to shrug them off .. or vent out to your DH and make him understand how unhappy you are because of that..

    If you feel that telling DH is disastrous in itself.. then you should learn to make curt replies to your MILS advice and comments. Unless you start talking. they don't stop.. for they stone only those dogs that run.

    Look forward for the right time to point that advice of your MIL to DH and prove as how they cannot fit in to your routine.

    All the Best Dear! It just takes some time to learn to be deaf and dumb to all those remarks and hidden orders in name of advice. Just that it needs some more mental strength to fight alone. Am sure that gets built up gradually.. Especially here at IL we have many of our friends suggesting us the right things to make our lives better. :)
     
  6. silvertulip

    silvertulip Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi dear, be thankful that she doesn't stay with u guys unlike my MIL! There is no end to her advice and gyan in my life and I am bugged with her (u can read my posts)!! Ignore, turn deaf and enjoy urself whenever possible!
     
  7. Mandir

    Mandir Silver IL'ite

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    listen to her but, don't ignore her. Have patience. These things will be there, till they get confidence in you. Try to gain confidence that you are one among them. It has happened in almost everyone's life here. Let them advice, keep calm & cool. Don't react. Things will change soon. They will be fed up of their own advices and they will stop complaining or giving advices.
     
  8. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Do you get irritated when your Mom gives you unsolicited advice? Remember MIL is your DH's Mom and can give advice . Will you not do the same when your kids grow up?
     
  9. SamidhaRS

    SamidhaRS Silver IL'ite

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    I second silvertulip. My MIL also give gyan on almost everything, no mater how much she actually knows about it. & yes we stay together. I called her Mata Gyan Devi :)
    My experience is to jus ignore her, turn deaf. No other way to escape dear.
    All the best...
     
  10. Superwoman

    Superwoman Gold IL'ite

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    dear Nithyasathya,

    My MIL and FIL are same as yours.... Advice Advice Advice...and this is what i do.

    1. if it is valid, i will follow it for sure and thank them without fail.(but very few related to finance)
    2. Not valid, (almost all the time) i will just do what i feel is good. i will never say ok or not ok, just listen to them and do things as i like and which works for me in front of them.
     

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