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In Law's Never Share Information (to Me And Even Husband)

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Dishaa, Jul 18, 2023.

  1. Dishaa

    Dishaa Gold IL'ite

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    Dear All,
    Just wanted to know your suggestions in understanding this.
    My in laws don't like to share information to us (including their only son).

    Example:

    1. Sister in law had twins, but unfortunately one of the kid had to be terminated. That information was never shared to my husband he was posted out of India. During my initial days of marriage I came to know about it when shared to husband he said he was not aware.
    2. Husband was there for almost 10 years, all these years they never visited him saying it's expensive. Where as they can buy a new car, put up a grand wedding for their daughter (sister in law), gift her a house and car.
    3. One of the family friends father passed away even that was not informed to husband. Husband later on came to know through some third person, when he asked his parents about it they said they didn't want to bother him during his on site stay.
    All the above incidents was way before his marriage,

    Now present day, we are staying together in India, in laws also staying a few yards ahead.
    1. One of my husband first cousin adopted a child, neither in laws nor SIL. We came to know from social media posts of function. Whereas they were very much aware about the entire adoption process.

    When husband asked why he was not informed, all he got back since we don't care to know about people, so we are not informed.

    Whereas we were the one who first suggested them for adoption. Even I am in touch with the cousins bed ridden parents (I don't expect them or the cousin to inform us). In today's day that cousin is a taking care of his parents and now kid it can be strenuous.

    Similarly we have come across many incidents were in we were deliberately not informed or included. Whereas in laws and SIL are very much aware about it.

    Every time when confronted either we were humilated by saying we are busy or sometimes saying we don't want to trouble you, sometimes as forgot.

    Please advice what my husband should do from his end. Also we as a couple what we can do.

    PS: We both are working in pvt company with limited time as 4 to 5 hrs is travel time to office, 9 hrs duty with no house help.
     
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  2. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    This speaks a lot about your life style and connections with extended family members.
    In a 24 hr day, you are out for work for 14 hrs, and in sleep for 7 hrs and probably busy doing the household chores, child care, cooking etc..etc.. in the remaining 3 hrs. You guys barely have time for your own family matters, leave alone being involved in the extended family matters.

    So, understandably you are not much in touch with your extended family. This may be perceived as being uncared for or non-interested in extended family members' matters. This will significantly decrease the amount of interaction and information shared with you.


    Maintaining family relationship is an art. It takes consistent effort and genuine interest. It is also a two way street, therefore you get what you give.

    Both my sister and brother's family live in our native city. They are just an hr away from each other. Whereas I live in abroad, miles away from both. Especially with a considerable time difference.
    However, i get to know every details of my brothers' and sisters' family. Even extended family share their good and bad news with me through calls or social media. But, my siblings do not share anything between them, and do not get to receive updates from our extended families either.

    Reason being, they both do not make an effort to keep in touch with each other. Leave alone maintaining the relationship with extended family members. They simply do not value this as important, and do not take any actions for this.

    If you really want them to prioritize you, then you must start working for it. But think twice... Do you really think it is important to know some XYZ cousin's wife's brother's detail????
     
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  3. vjan29

    vjan29 Platinum IL'ite

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    It's nothing to do with in-laws. This is common for any parents also. My wife doesn't care if my mom share all information to us. But I do care. Many times my mom forgot to update me as I live outside India. I get angry and I shout at her. One of our family friend his dad died in my native, my parents also live there. I called for a casual call to my mom, she is updating this after a week. That person who died his son is my friend, thank god I didn't chat with him on whatsapp or facebook. I never know about this news, I shouted at my mom. She said you maybe busy so didn't inform you.

    So it's purely either they forget to update or they really think it will not be an useful information for us. So, I told my mom I want to know everything hehe... its ok my mom only right... so I told her update me everything...

    So she regularly now messaging on Whatsapp, I created a whatsapp grp for me, my mom and akka alone.. so at least we put good morning good night haha.. :)

    So I suggest you go talk to your in-laws regularly and ask for gossips, they like gossips so start like that, you can also openly tell them, pls do share all information to us as we are busy we don't want to miss any information and also tell your in-laws it will be embarrassing if we see relative in any gatherings and not knowing about family news. Becoz most of the relatives leave the news to parents assuming they will inform their son or daughter. Also, start a WhatsApp group between u, ur husband, in-laws alone.. keep this only for closed circle even though if you are part of any other bigger whatsapp group on in-laws side.

    I hope this helps.
     
  4. shyamala1234

    shyamala1234 Platinum IL'ite

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    Only when you are in touch with people by talking with them for a while now and then. It may be small talk, or about little tit bits, ask how they are etc etc. Need not be a long call. Without keeping in touch and expecting to share with you only important things does not work out. You may be not having much time....but even a whatsapp message or a call would make all the difference.
    Syamala
     
  5. Dishaa

    Dishaa Gold IL'ite

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    Dear All,
    Thanks for the suggestion.

    But this cousin is my husband's first cousin we were the ones who actually convinced them for adoption, it took them a couple of years to decide and fix things up.

    Further we daily have dinner with inlaws past 2+ years, Sunday we spend our entire day with them breakfast till dinner, fix their doctor appointment, arrange for their medical tests, coordinate with builder / plumber / maid / grocery buying / in case of emergency we only take care of them if they are not well, the list is goes long.

    Husband has Saturday and Sunday week off so he spends both days with them. In case if we have any work at our house then we don't meet up for full day.

    Where as SIL stays in Chennai, however she knows everything. We also have family what's app group one with inlaws and us and SIL and her husband.

    Another two groups one my side cousins and family and other husband side cousin's and family.

    It was like everyone knew except us, which we didn't like.

    Yes one thing is there we both don't like gossiping or bad talking about anyone behind their back.

    P. S. I feel since we don't have any kids maybe that is the reason this news was not shared but husband has other opinion.
     
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2023
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  6. vjan29

    vjan29 Platinum IL'ite

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    Ok based on your second post, I can understand now why your mother in law didn't talk about cousin's baby adoption matter. Because you both still planning for baby, so she doesn't want you both get convinced same like cousin. Maybe your mil doesn't want you both planning for any baby adoption.

    But otherwise many matter she is not sharing with you or to your husband in spite of being very near to them and often spending time with them looks strange or maybe doing purposely. Or as you said you both doesn't show much interested in family gossips your mil comfortable with her daughter itself talking all the gossips.

    Maybe you start sharing to your mil some your family side gossips and see if she also start sharing to you.

    All the best.
     
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