In-laws during Pregnancy-no option- how to stay calm?

Exhausted · Apr 7, 2015

I am 6 months pregnant after a long TTC period. It was not easy to reach here and its not going to be easy unfortunately hereafter too for me and my husband. Our baby has been diagnosed with congenital heart defects(Heart defects during birth, which requires constant care and other issues associated with it).
My mom passed away a few years back. I have 2 younger siblings. My dad and his sister take care of everything after my Mom passed away. My aunt is 77 years old. So, I do not have anyone from my parents side to come here for delivery.
My in - laws had visited US last year for 3 months. My relation with them is okay. My MIL did help me in most of the household things. She did regularly help me in the kitchen. I was working a lot during this time making sure she does not have to work more since it was their first visit to US. I had during that time posted a thread related to their rules during period. That was one thing that had irritated me a lot but i ignored it.
Before the baby was diagnosed with heart defect I was trying to convince my husband of doing the delivery by ourselves with the help of maid and not inviting anyone from India. But before we could reach any decision we were shattered with the news of the baby's heart defect.
We need help now. Baby will require 2-3 open heart surgeries depending on the baby's situation (1 will be immediately after birth). I will be delivering in regular hospital and immediately baby will be transferred to children's hospital for surgery. My husband will be tired doing all commute and work. So after hearing the situation, my in-laws kind of took initiative to come here(my husband also spoke to them and they readily agreed).
I know they are worried about us and their grandchild. Me and my husband are very happy hearing that we will be having a baby girl, I was worried about my In-laws' reaction. But at least in front of us they have not said anything, on the contrary my MIL said its a good thing Laxmi is coming home. So I am assuming during their time here, they will be happy to help us in whatever way they could.
But still all the situation is making me worried and nervous. I take things to heart very quickly. How do I remain calm and enjoy motherhood even if there are some unpleasant conversations or arguments. I either stay quiet or get angry and end up doing what they want. How do I avoid this.
Even if they are coming here , we are planning to get some help for a couple of months for cleaning or helping with day to day stuff. I know they wouldn't like any help in cooking, but for other household chores.
Also, since the last time I was irritated about their period rules, this time after delivery how the situation could be, makes me anxious and my BP goes high just thinking about things that I would have to adjust during that time. I am assuming they will not force me to follow the rules during that time.
Please give me some advice and suggestions. This is my first baby, already me and my husband are just hoping that even with the heart defect we will be enjoying parenthood. I do not want added tension of handling in laws. Thank you !

gauridinesh · Apr 7, 2015

Its a tiring time for you and any help that you can get should be appreciated, especially since they are eager to help and have not made a face.
During the kid's surgery, you will need a lot of emotional support - so it would be nice to have a talk first hand with husband that you will be a little edgy and to bear with you. Tell him that you are thankful that your in laws are coming to help.
Dont overthink of issues that might happen. If you learn to shut out any negative comments and concentrate on the baby , I am sure you would be ok. All the best and lot of prayers for the little angel. May god shower her with all health and prosperity!

armummy · Apr 7, 2015

I think you need all the help you can get because you are going to be busy and emotionally vulnerable . Having some one to take care of other things will help . Your husband would have a lot of support emotionally .

If you in-laws caused only minor irritants , I would say accept help .

peartree · Apr 7, 2015

Exhausted

I think with the baby's health issues, the little glitches in your daily interactions will be the last thing on your mind. For all the drama some of us have with ILs and stuff, I think there is no denying that we are blessed to have a wonderful support system.

And I am sure with your baby's health in mind, the last thing your ILs will be focusing on whether you are doing their bidding. I say, make the baby your top priority (as she should be) and let go of the rest. Imagine if you had to be the one running between the hospital and home, how hard it would have been. Appreciate the support that you are getting from MIL so that you can now dedicate your complete focus on the little one's recovery. Don't sweat the little things... you don't have to handle the in-laws.

And, I will pray hard for your little girl to wish her a speedy, speedy recovery.

abla · Apr 7, 2015

Congratulations on your pregnancy Are you in a position to take few months off from work post delivery ? If you think you can manage yourself with or without help of a part-time nanny many be you need not shoot your BP up already . But if cannot and your in laws were nice enough to offer help by coming over accept it .Get some help for them too may be a part time nanny,house cleaning etc .It could be really overwhelming for them too.

Daenerys · Apr 7, 2015

Im so sorry to hear about the baby's condition. I cannot even imagine a surgery on a newborn. I hope everything goes alright on that front for you.

As far as worrying about your inlaws goes, Just relax. Dont fret. There is a quote - 90% of the things you worry never happen. Pregnancy is a vulnerable situation and Im sure you are just thinking ahead of your game. People are usually sympatheic of new moms and ur MIL might just give you the leverage you need.
Did you expect your MIL's reaction about the baby girl? No,right! Things might be a lot different than in your imagination... Chill

But just prepare your mind about the rules and regulations and then they might seem small when you actually have to face them. Good luck!

Harini73 · Apr 7, 2015

Congrats for your pregnancy,but sorry to hear that your baby has to undergo major surgery immediately.

You need all the help (physical and emotional) right now.You should be happy that your in laws have volunteered to help you.Right now baby will/should be priority for you both.Just relax and concentrate on your baby.

If there is some misunderstanding also just ignore it for the baby sake.
Also try to be relaxed,don't get tensed when you are pregnant.
Take care and I will pray for your baby.console1

butterflyice · Apr 7, 2015

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Its good to have another pair of hands to help you around the house when you have so much on your plate. Ignore the minor discomforts. Having your in laws can offer you plenty of emotional support that you and your DH will so sorely need after the baby's birth.

One of my friends who is American has 3 kids all under the age of 6. One of her children has had to undergo serious ear surgery for 5 hours. This is what she said to me - I really wish we had the family support system that you Indians have. Her parents live in another state and refused to come over and help as they had other "plans".

Good luck with the operations on your little angel. I am sure she will be fine. Will keep you in my prayers.

coolgal123 · Apr 7, 2015

You need help and in laws are coming to help u out...so appreciate it as so far it is good...so dont assume that bad things will happen..even if..some friction happens think of ur baby and try to stay caln for ur babys sake....always repeat in ur head tht this too shall pass....focus just and just on ur baby....train your mind for this....tht ur baby is most important at this time rest all is immaterial

anahita5 · Apr 7, 2015

Hoping for the best for you and your baby. I think you are over analyzing given the stress of current circumstance. once the baby is here everyone's focus will be her. I hope she does better and thrives. If something irritates you, think about the bigger picture and her. This will get you through. Don't over exert yourself, as you have help around. They should not expect special treatment given the conditions. Follow what advice you can, rest just nod and say 'we will see'. Prepare for ready made answers for things that might crop up and repeat them. About periods don't worry, you might not get them for 6 months or more, hopefully