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In-laws during baby delivery?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by ottawagirl, Dec 28, 2009.

  1. ottawagirl

    ottawagirl Senior IL'ite

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    Hi ladies,
    Looks like my in-laws wants to be here during the last trimester..first of all, I don't have good relation with them due to some past incidents but I have been maintaining harmony from a distance. Second of all, my MIL is not the person who works around the house so I will have to do extra chores such as cooking daily such as morning tiffin, lunch etc (I work so we normally cook once every 2-3 days), clean up etc. Thirdly, they are going to be here which is going to hurt me as I am sure they can't keep quiet and finally, I wanted my mom to be here around delivery as I am more confortable with her more than with my MIL..but they don't seem to understand any of that..they want to be the first ones to see the baby..I understand that it's their grandkid and all..but just for that one reason, do you think I should let them do this and take the crap..
    My husband is not strong enough to take the stand and telling them what to do..if I talk, it always becomes fight so I am keeping quiet to keep peace..I am confused and I dpon't want this stress..
    Anyone in the same situation? or anyting you have done to overcome this?
     
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  2. eandian

    eandian IL Hall of Fame

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    First Congratulations on your pregnancy.

    In-laws + delivery = Very very bad combination.
     
  3. pacer

    pacer New IL'ite

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    I did go thru this with both my deliveries. It is indeed very painful experience, especially first 6 weeks post-partum. Mine always came around my due date, luckily i went in labor before they arrived so i was able to be comfortable during labor with my husband.

    they will come regardless, my suggestion tell them to come closer to due date. that way you will get some good time with ur DH before the baby comes along. depending on how long they plan to stay, you may just chose to let it go. mine always stayed 4 -5 months and by the 3 rd month i was at work and they were too happy with grandkids.

    my MIL is not so bad afterall, she used to cook for me daily for first 6 weeks all the healthy food we should eat post-partum. May be u can ask ur MIL too upfront that she will have to cook all the food that is supposed to be given to new moms. also tell ur DH that frst 6 weeks he has to help out more than usual. it will all work out. dont worry. u will be glad that an elder was around to take care of ur new born.
     
  4. rosenav

    rosenav Silver IL'ite

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    I think you need to think abt this seriously, you need more help around the house more during the last mnts, what is the use if they are not going to help???

    You should put your foot down and ask your MOM to come and later when baby arrives they can visit after you mom leaves.

    You will get into more mess ... and depression haveing negative ppl around you. Who are of no help and create more problems n stress, its better not to ask fr any help at all and do it all by your self, atleast you will have peace of mind.

    So think abt it.... getting Inlaws for delivery a very bad Idea:hide:
     
  5. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Have your ever watched any episode for fear factor?? Both the indian & american version say.. if u fear something live it out.. either the fear will die or you.

    I had all such apprehensions & all of them came true & I lived thru them day in and out & believe me I dont dread their visits / calls anymore. The only moral I learnt in my life is that they can droop to any levels & never ever accomodate parents with them even if they ask for it... cos all they want is an opportunity to humiliate them also.

    I've become more relaxed since I've surrendered to the fact that what they want will be the ultimate.. irrespective of what I want. If your DH is not ready to let it be your way... then get ready for the ride ahead.. take it as it comes.. no point in escalating your harmones & putting pressure on the li'll life yet to come in... yes most ILs dont want to feed DILs even for a day but want to be the first to see & hold the child.

    My MIL had usual bread butter brkfast even as my post partum diet which I myself had to make for me.. since she used to leave bed only at 8:30 & I was already hungry by 7 am after feeds etc...
    At times arnd 9 she used to suggest some other breakfast but always wanted to make sure that she & other members were fed first.. no consideration that a feeding DIL might be drooling (I never felt hungry in my life except while feeding).. but used to leave some batter etc for me to make mine.
    Still she told me to ask my mom to leave.. which I did with great honour since I couldn't see my mom being insulted & going without food day and night. My MIL was the only one who directed/ screamed at my mom to come and take care of me in my last trimester. So feel nice that atleast they dont want to humiliate your parents.
    I mustered enuff courage to deal how any other lady would have done without any family support. Most of the times I used to eat in hospital canteen where I used to visit my child in ICU.
     
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2009
  6. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Your house, your baby, your choice. If they're going to cause more work and tension for you... be firm and tell your husband to man up and inform his parents that they can come after the baby is born, or they can stay in a hotel.

    If they want to be the 'first ones to see the baby', then they should consider having another child of their own. Their preferences don't matter when it comes to your health, happiness, and well being.
     
  7. reshsabu

    reshsabu Gold IL'ite

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    This is exactly how I feel about the whole thing :).

    Well, your in-laws had their share of all the excitement of parenting when they raised their own kids. Right now, first priority is what you want, not what they want.

    Even if you have a very supporting family,the first month after childbirth is a time when you go thru a whole range of emotions. You are still healing and at the same time you need to get used to the routine of the baby. So, this is a time when it should be all about what you are comfortable with.So,you need to just manage things the way it works best for you. This is NOT the time to entertain in-laws.

    Discuss with your DH, that while healing you really want your mom around for moral support.
     
  8. sophisticated

    sophisticated New IL'ite

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    When i was pregnant with both my kids I put my foot down firmly and said either my parents or no one, because my MIL is the perfect example of living in Hell, my parens were not allowed because my Dh thought he will called hen pecked :rotfl
    So i was own during both mine I really struggled, For the first one, i got an infection because all my plaenta did not come out and was bledding consantly for 8 wks and got post natal depression too. Luckily I had very good friends around who knew what my DH was like and came and bathed the baby and fed me good food and giving me constant moral support while undergoing constant abuse from DH. And they still are invaluable to me. I will regret never bringing my MIL although I suffered real bad, if she was here i would definately have killed myself.
    When it was time for the second delivery i knew what to expect and it was much much easier, i spoke to my parent's daily and could cope much better.

    I have friends who got their MIL for Delivery and all have said Never unless really desperate.

    If they can come and be a help, welcome them, if they are to come and cause more grief then do it on your own. God will send someone to help.
     
  9. sonu1973

    sonu1973 New IL'ite

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    Hi

    God i feel for you, i have been through all this and its not easy.

    My inlaws live away from me - about 2 hours away and when i went into labour with my son (i hve 2 children) my fil wanted to come down to the delivary room..lol but i refused.

    Then they came down on the 6th day to do the naming ceremony (which they did not tell me how it works etc) it was absolutley the worse period of my life.

    I had a c section so was quite uncomfortable - my inlaws just sat their ate drank etc and my family had to do all the work as they did not want me to do it all...my family was criticised as they dont drink.
    i burst into tears cause of the hormones being up and down and they turned around and said that i am crying cause i didn't want to do the naming ceremony.
    Then my mil basically said she will stay to do some rituals on the 10th day - that was bad...i cooked my own food, did my own house work, looked after the baby.

    To top it all on the last day my dh said he does not want to do any of this ceremony things when we have a second baby and the mil just started crying when i came down did big dramas...blamed me that i had wound my dh up when honestly i did not say anything or know what was going on...
    she went back home and did the story to her 3 daughters and blamed me....my sil called badmouthing me to my dh and saying how it was bad to do that to mum...

    Bottom line is that i nearly went into post natal depression cause of all this.

    When my daughter was born 20 months ago my mil told everyone that she is diong the naming ceremony but not me and this time i put my foot down and told my dh tht i am not doing anything as ur family dont want to tell me but do everything themseleves and at the end of the day i have give birth to the baby so i should have a right to know.

    I did not ask her to come to stay or do anything infact i had my masi come over for 4 weeks and that is the best rest i have ever had..

    If u want mental peace and rest then i suggest u call u mother over to look after you and help you...please put ur foot down as u will not have any peace if you mil comes over.

    See they will bad mouth u anyway so why not have ur mother over and have that peace of mind.

    Take care and good luck with the birth.
     
  10. blessed

    blessed Platinum IL'ite

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    No it is not easy to have your MIL around during your delivery and post delivery, first of all you are not comfortable with her, it is better to have no one instead of having negative energies around you.

    I was waiting to go to my parents house in my 7th month of pregnancy itself, because it was a night mare in my inlaws house, no proper food, no soothing words, nothing at all there to make me happy, but they were so adamant they sent me in the 9th month and my daughter was born within a week I reached my parents home, so I had a awful pregnancy.

    Please enjoy your pregnancy and post mother hood, even if your DH doesnt agree to bring you mom, its ok but never your MIL, she will make your life hell.
     

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