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In-laws Are Moving To Bangalore..feeling Sad:(

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by anika987, Jul 1, 2020.

  1. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    I should be happy right?How much of emotional blackmails and stress throughout the years?I was so scared they will come and settle with me..but now they are moving to a retirement home in Bangalore.They are very adamant and though husband try to talk them out of it..they are hellbent and finally we had to give in.

    Why do I feel sad?I felt my heartbeat skip and feeling low..

    Suddenly..feeling like a very horrible person.I wish things were better and we could have been together.

    I am trying to convince myself and want to to stop them but I won’t lie..am scared.What if things once again go sour?

    In-laws told us that they don’t want to be a burden and it is tough for them to settle in America.They prefer to be amongst people their age and have some happiness in their old age.

    I am feeling like the most horrible human.


    I wish I was also nicer to them.Past one year,I have limited my talks with them coz it will create unnecessary problems.Wish I have not behaved that way..

    they are old.In their seventies.Why didn’t I think of that?Their life span is not too long..why couldn’t I have been nicer to them?

    I feel like crap today especially when they said that they miss their son etc..I never wanted to come between the son and parents..they would have been possessive coz of insecurities,angry coz of that but I could have been more understanding.


    One thing is that my husband before telling me this news told me “You are going to feel sad for what am about to tell you”...I felt shocked coz I thought hubby will be upset and tell me if am happy now but he felt I will also be sad which I am which shows how much he understood me...Wow..

    I wish things were different.I never even thought they will be so adamant to move to a retirement home.

    My mil who is super possessive of her son and extremely insecure is totally fine to be away in her old age?without her son?I am not so bad...I won’t tell her this..probably never but am very very sorry from the bottom of my heart for all the hurt I caused her when arguing.Am so sorry.

    Just want to share and journal my thoughts with my IL friends..
     
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  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    Why are you sad?
    They are making a perfectly reasonable choice. Many of our parents don’t want to settle permanently in the US, even when the relations are excellent. My dad honestly shared his opinions during a long visit when they came to help with my newborn. He was happy to spend time with us but was not pleased to be dependent on us for everything. No causal meetings with their friends, no going to their weekly bhajan sessions, lack of transport, boredom at just talking walks and watching TV, being away from the extended family and poojas and family occasions and always being worried about health issues.
    That was the only time my parents stayed for the full 6 months allotted on the visa. Otherwise they come for just 2-3 months and that too only every 2-3 years.
    My uncle and aunt went to a retirement home after living with their daughter in the US for several years. They helped with childcare and the minute the youngest started elementary school they packed their bags and returned to India. They are having a peaceful time and are able to engage in all their interests. They also have all their extended family close by and their daughter and grandkids visit yearly.
    Let your in-laws move and wish them well. If the situation turns out not to their liking they can always reevaluate their plan later.
     
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  3. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    Your post brought similar feelings in me towards my in laws. When they were with us, myself being fully tied up with looking after my 2 sons (with husband on official tour most times) had little patience to listen to their talks of their old times etc. They were good on the whole, but being hard of hearing , i used to get irritated having to speak loudly for everything. However, I always saw to it that we took them out whenever we planned any outstation visits etc. As I was working full time too, i just wanted to relax on holidays without having to cater to their needs, which sometimes created friction. When they moved on to my BILs place later and then passed away, was really saddened that I could have been more understanding knowing their situation.

    I am saying the above, as I feel it is quite natural that our first priority is towards our husband and children. You need not feel guilty, as I feel you will have a much better relationship with them managing themselves. Youll will naturally be in touch and doing what is necessary for them.
     
    anika987 likes this.
  4. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    The only thing that could make you both happy is to move to India and try to work out things there. Could you do that? If you can't, then don't think about it. I understand your feelings and though I am not sure what I would do if I were in your place, I can tell you that it is not just you, it is other factors too which have influenced this decision. It is really sad but if there is no solution, there is no problem either.
     
    anika987 likes this.
  5. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    I’ve read most of your previous threads.
    What you’re feeling is GUILT.
    But the reality is that your in laws have made a good choice for themselves and their children..
    Your MIL has never been good with you...if they’d settled with their other son, they would have felt some resentment towards you that you’re free...atleast 6 months year they’d stay in US...
    This way, none of children are troubled, they get to socialise with others their age and enjoy retired lode and no one needs to worry much about their security and safety, medical emergencies will be taken care of to some extent..
    And this is not ordinary situation...this is COVID pandemic which is on upward trend..for next 1.5 years we need to be very cautious till vaccination is done...what if they travel to US and get infected during travel...or in the US..or if they stay alone in India and get infected...healthcare is a big problem this time...in all cities no beds for Covid patients, no beds for medical emergencies...doctors are not ready to even to touch patients out of fear of infection...even live in helpers are not reliable in such situation...till the pandemic ends they’re better off in such a secure and protected retirement home...
    See even if in laws are on good terms it’s not easy to live with 70 plus yr old elders...
    And if continued to be on bad terms while living jointly, they would have made life hell for you and you’d have ended up being maid and nurse for them...you would have regretted being nice..
    Good relations need to be built over years...in laws cannot be nasty to their DIL always and then expect DIL to eagerly welcome them to their home and look after them permanently...
    What you can do now is, feel glad they made good decision, pray that they’re hale and healthy in present situation and pray that the pandemic ends soon so you guys can visit India and meet them again..
     
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  6. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    Really it is a big pain to live permanently with in laws..I'm experiencing it now...due to pandemic in laws are staying with us long term...they're just eating and sleeping and watching movies or TV all the time...and then complain they dont have rest...even if they do smaller chores they complain that they're unable to do so much work..they will not even wash a few plates and glasses used by them.. even prior to pandemic they wouldn't adjust with domestic helps to make it easier for us...they are younger than your in laws.. their age people I.e friends and relatives their age, are so much active in work and household chores and smart in different activities....but they behave like 80 and 90 year people..every now and then there is either an argument or tantrum from their end..they will not go to their native place because of pandemic, and because if they go there they have to do their chores themselves...unfortunately this Covid is causing fear in everyone's mind and situation is bad both in my city and their native place too.. I'm longing for the time they can travel safely back so atleast for few months I can have freedom and privacy from my MIL and FIL....if I was in US and they would make such arrangements for themselves I would be quite happy not guilty...maybe u think I am a mean person but I'm also an ordinary human being, and not extra ordinarily good person...
    You would rather be not-so-nice and happy than nice and miserable..
     
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  7. Novalis

    Novalis Gold IL'ite

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    Such introspection ...could have resolved better, issues handled wiser, communication warmer... so forth ... are in hindsight, not in foresight, once the immediacy of the conflict has worn out. Does not matter what the issue has been, who was wronger, anymore.

    If you feel gentler about the argument today, not necessarily in reconciliation, but in some form of retrospection, convey your diminished vexation to her. Just a friendly call. Don't let loftier imports like dignity and implication, or any misgiving of that sort, to such a small and forthcoming gesture of affability. You might develop unrest on their infirmity in the near future, wish you had done what you speculated back in 2020. So, preempt further turmoil by telling her how softened you feel about that past argument. Itna bhi kya sochna ...anika ...bus ek insight hi toh hai... to cheer her up, why such dramatic avowal withholding that pleasantry. Do it. Tell her.
     
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