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in deep trouble after mil's visit

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sandu, Mar 30, 2010.

  1. sandu

    sandu Bronze IL'ite

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    Ladies,
    This is a continuation of my previous post http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/83229-husband-forcing-me-quit-my.html
    , but is itself a long story, so I am creating a new thread.


    I am in deep trouble now. Frustrated, depressed and feeling desperate. Since my last post, a LOT of unhappy and unfortunate events occurred in my life. I simply dont have the energy to write it all nor is it possible to pen down all the injustice meted out to me. I feel that people are taking advantage of me, that people are pulling me down and causing great grief to my marriage.I have often felt the urge to write here since my last post, but neither could i find the time nor the patience and energy for it. Lots of things have been happening in a short span of time, there was no time to look back. Now, i have put my mind again to do it - write here and seek your advice.

    My mil's visit was more than a nightmare to me. It is spelling out disaster to my marriage, even 2 weeks after she left. Let me give a gist of what she did when she was here.
    When she was here, she used to find the slightest reason to cause trouble between us, as I mentioned in my previous posts. Well, she started falling sick whenever it was my turn to go to work. Staying in bed and not getting up, DH shouting at me (at work) on the phone. I arranged a doctor apointment, which my mil refused to accept. Somehow we convinced her to see the doc and the doc said her blood sugar was high and asked her to get the proper blood tests done. My mil refused to get these tests done. She kept getting more and more problems, mainly emotional, looking at the way how I treated her and my husband and child, to put it in her own words. Howmuchever I cooked and cleaned, she chose to have her own views of me. I bore all these and continued my duties, she fixing meals about twice per week when i went to work.

    Later, I realised that my husband had revealed to my in-laws our sensitive conversations - like I asking him to save his salary in his name (and not in his parents' names), me having my own bank account for my own salary, etc.

    On one unfortunate day, my husband called me early from office on some silly pretext (daughter was sick, mil was having loose motion, but i came home to discover that she had quite the opp. problem). They had called my parents and complained about me to them - my mil telling them that I didnt wash a tumbler and went off to work, I dont treat her like I used to with love earlier, that I dont lead a happy life with my husband, that they want me to stop working, but I am stubborn. My husband had echoed these things and also told them that I am questioning why his father is holding all our savings, that i opened a separate bank account in my own name for my salary, that I do not listen to him at all, etc. They had told a lot of complaints, some valid (like I didnt wash the tumbler and that I wanted to continue working though he wants me to stop). It was a big shock for my parents that we are facing so many problems. They were waiting to chat to me when I came home from work; it was a surprise and shock to me; i had come in a hurry that my daughter was sick (she was perfectly ok) and mil was again not well - now, they played a game to make me talk to my parents and answer these things in front of all... I felt disgusted. I told my parents that these people are making a big problem out of a small thing, and that I didnt question his father's integrity nor did I ask my in-laws anything about money, but asked my husband about that, which is fair in my opinion. I was all in tears and could not speak to my parents. My mil kept interrupting our conversation; I could not talk anything to my parents in front of her as it was subject to criticism from my mil. My father asked me why I go to work, what is the notice period, can I quit now, etc. I firmly told my parents that we have some problems and that we (husband and I) will sort them out ourselves. We are mature enough and we have a child too. My father said alright and they asked me to treat my mil with due respect. I told them i certainly didnt disrespect her, to which my mil also butted in and said "She never disrespected me". But her complaint was that she volunteered to set right our problems (when SHE is our main problem) but I didnt pay heed to her and told her to enjoy her visit and go back to India and that we will solve our problems ourselves. That, had hurt her SO much it seems. I could not continue talking to my parents, I cried and went to my bed and kept crying.

    My mil started her torture then and there. You wont believe me ladies, this continued for 40 hours. I hate to think of all that again and it disturbs me greatly, but I have no other go than writing here, in search of a solution to my problems.

    She started shouting that I am not respecting her and going off to my bed without answering her. (I was crying, I was angry at their behavior and upset and didnt know what to do. I was not angry because my husband had complained to my parents about me; i was angry because he did all this in front of my mil (dont know whether it was she who made him call them). I was beyond words and my condition only worsened with every thing she said and did further). My husband told me, "Dont go to bed; amma wants to leave to India. We must pack her bags. What to do?". I replied in tears and anger, "Tell me what to do and I'll pack that". I was fed up with her drama and at that moment, didnt want to beg her to stay back. Anyway, what's the use? She'll say the same things she said earlier and make me cry more. Then, my husband came behind me to console me, but I was in tears and asked him to get away. My mil stood at the staircase landing and started her verbal abuse. She threw out SUCH a lot of curses and bad words at me. My God. I squirm when I even think of it. She kept telling to my husband, "Your wife is acting to you. She is going to swindle your money. She is putting on a drama. She is taking revenge of you as you wrote a hate-mail to her father last year". (That day, when my mother had tried to calm my mil on the phone, she had said something like my mil should forgive any mistake that I may have made, just like they forgave the hate mail my husband had written to them long back. My mil chose to misinterpret what my mother said and kept driving it into my husband that I am only taking revenge on him by asking him for his financial details because my husband had labeled my father a criminal in his email.) "She is going to cheat you. She is putting up an act that everything is smooth between you too and fooling the world and her parents, because she does not want to spoil her parents' health. In effect, she is only spoiling your health and your peace. She is cunning. Look at what her own mother says - that she is taking revenge on you." She said MUCH more, about her own superiority, how I should treat her, how I neglect her advice, etc. I was only crying at all this. She declared that never again will she stay under the same roof as me or drink a glass of water from me. She scolded my husband that he was running behind me to calm me down and told him she didnt want him to beg to me for her. He protested; he told her to stop shouting and spoiling her own health. My mil didnt listen. She went on and on and asked him to rebook her ticket for the next flight. All the while I was crying in bed, thinking of my misfortune and my mil's sudden avatar. My daughter was asking me to stop crying, I simply couldn't. My husband told me that his mother is angry and all of that was due to me!!! I asked him to get out and leave me in peace.

    This continued; my mil shouting downstairs, hurling abuses, making a hundred complaints about me, crying and lamenting on her and her family's misfortune... my husband used to come up now and then and told me to ask pardon to her. What for??? I told him that it was I who was wronged and that it was his mother who did all that to me, cursing and hurling abuses like that, all for what??? And now, he wants me to apologise?? He rebooked her tickets. He fed DD something, and none of us ate lunch. My mil had cooked lunch that day as I had gone to work in the morning. My husband internally sympathised with me, as he KNEW his mother was wrong in all this. But he didnt put a stop to her drama or support me. he compelled me to eat something as his mother is also not eating!

    I was in a state of complete shock. I cudnt think clearly. I developed a splitting headache and went up to bed, after taking a tablet. Unfortunately, the matter did not end there. My mil decided to call my fil and update everything. That made my state even worse. I simply had no wish to talk to her. I had no energy to defend myself or speak to her. Whatever I say, she misinterprets and turns it against me. What problem will she solve for me??? She is my main problem! She started telling all the rubbish to my fil on the phone, cleverly concealing her wrong doings. She told him that I am stubborn, unsympathetic, uncaring, bla bla bla. That i didnt care if she ate lunch. (How could I? They have no humanity! I was run down by her abuse and was crying, but she complains that I didnt pamper her with lunch. How cheap!) She told him that she begged me to tell her my problems, she asked with kindness as a mother and with authority as a mil, but I am not replying at all. She told me dramatically that if money is all I want, she will bequeath all their money to me so that I keep her son happy. (Who wants her money?? What drama!) She gave a running commentary on what I did when I came to the hall. She made it a big complaint that I could come down and feed Horlicks to my kid and then go up on some pretext that I am sick, etc. I went wild. My husband, meanwhile, showed me the form to opt myself out of the joint back account we have here and sign it. I told him I am in no mood to read all those forms and dint sign it. Everytime i came out of bedroom, my mil made more complaints about me to her son and her husband. I felt trapped. I could not take it and felt feverish already and that the world is nearing an end. Then, when i came to drink water or something, she made a HUGE fuss that I am not giving respect to her. My husband ran out of patience when his father joined this drama (from India). His father, with partial information from his wife, chose to believe what she said about me. He started yelling on the phone and he said much worse things... even my husband should leave me, that he should freeze all my bank accounts and leave me to suffer here and come to India. That even a toilet cleaner's daughter does BE, and I am no special girl. That it was my husband who made me study MS and now, I behave with such ingratitude!! (After all, what is ingratitude? Wanting to save my salary in my own name??? Or asking my husband to save his salary in his name instead of his father's name??) My husband turned against me completely and joined the abuse. He started shouting at me, that I am very cool, adamant, etc. That I have been torturing him for over a year now, that I have head-weight, that he should have left me years back when they heard some gossip that I am a bad dil, etc. My mil told him, "I am making my son a millionnaire by saving all his money. Does she know that? I will certainly not hand over anything to you or your wife. How can she ask that? If and ONLY if she behaves like an obedient and loving wife to you, will I give you back anything I saved for you. And I will not accept it if she behaves obediently for a month. She must be like that for many months and I must be convinced... I dont know how she behaved in her father's house, whether she saved her money on her own. But, in our family, if she earns, it will be manged by us, the elders (fil and mil))." I was disgusted.

    They also discussed the fact that i am posting in ladies forums asking for advice. Is that a way a girl behaves? Asking outsiders for advice?
     
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2010
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  2. sandu

    sandu Bronze IL'ite

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    (Contd.)
    That night passed and it was a sleepless night. My husband told me, "amma is leaving, we are packing". I was still in agony and crying. He asked me what my problem was and invited me to discuss then and there. I told him, crying, "Cant you see? I am not in a position to discuss. We will discuss, but later. I cant speak anything to you now. If amma wants to leave, it is up to you and her. Just leave me alone."

    My mil's online commentary and abuse carried onto the second day. They were supposed to leave that evening to the airport; my mil probably expected an apology from me and more pampering. I was not ready for that. Meanwhile, she started other tactics. She had brought a computer-generated horoscope of our daughter and DH was copying it to our computer before she left. They both started commenting on the predictions and attributing all that to my bringing up, that I will separate her from her father, that I will cause misunderstandings between them; they claimed the horoscope said all that. Every minute she had some new thing to taunt me with. I grew tired, developed a fever too and just prayed things get better. Though I dint know how. My husband told me in front of his mom, "Look, tell me what you want now. There is nothing between you and me that is beyond my parents.!" I just moved away, again disgusted at his childish behavior. My fil summonned me to the phone to speak to me. I just could not bring myself to face more music and refused. He told that I have gone to this extent and I may even kill him (my husband). He advised him to act carefully. What the hell?? I panicked. I didnt expect that from my fil. I was aghast that my husband didnt say a word in opposition. My fil suggested that they spread news about me and my bad behavior to all relatives.

    Then came the climax. They tried forcing me to speak to my parents again and again. I refused, they called them again and made a big scene. They blackmailed my mom that she (mil) is leaving prematurely, how bad it is for our family and our honor, what a bad girl I am, etc. My mother apparently wept, my father (who was sick then, i didnt know this then), started shivering and they had to call someone for help. My mil again taunted me that I am causing great pain to my parents, I am neither a good dil, nor a good mother and now, not even a good daughter! My mother begged my mil not to leave, but my mil was adamant, citing my bad behavior. My husband then forced me to talk to my parents again, who asked me "What is the problem?" again and again.. What was my problem??? MY problem?? These crazy people were my problem. All being propelled by my mil, who wanted to "solve our problems with good intentions." How could I tell that right under my mil's nose who was already misinterpreting every harmless thing I said? Worse was what followed. I saw my husband speaking to me on one end and going to his mother and repeating everything to her at the other end. Verbatim. What is the use of speaking to such a fellow? I questioned him and he agreed that that is what he was doing and will do. I decided enough is enough, and called my friend for help. My husband was taken aback. This friend happens to be a lawyer (in India, not yet in US); I have 1 or 2 friends only here, and no one knew of my problems till then. I cried on the phone and asked her to come home to help me get out of this abuse.

    My husband grew wild and threw my mobile and almost broke it. He panicked and called her and told her that I am calling her for a simple family problem and she need not come. I told her she must please come if she can. (Simple family problem??? How much they made me suffer for 2 days!!! i didnt suffer for so even even during my delivery. He calls this a simple problem which he can resolve when I call for help; what was he doing till then? Watching his mother abuse me and joining in it. Disgusting!) My mil charged at me for calling a friend, that too a lawyer, when she was here. My husband sensed that my mil should not be shouting when my friend comes, so he asked her to shut her mouth. I packed my bags to leave temporarily. I could not take my mil's words any longer. I was nearly mad. My husband told me not to leave; and if i leave, certainly not to return. I told him that I will be away only for a few days and will come back later. (I found no other alternative to talk to my parents and explain my situation.) I told my parents that too, who were already summoned on the phone by my husband to complain yet again, and I told them that I am leaving only to be able to talk clearly to them in peace about my predicament.

    My friend came. My mil and husband behaved sweetly. I took her alone and told her a gist of what happened. She was utterly shocked and synpathised with me. She is younger than me. I didnt call her for legal advice, I just wanted to take a breather instead of putting up with these crazy morons till I turned mad. I felt relieved after talking to her. She offered to stay back that night. My mil and husband were going to leave late night. I felt so relieved being able to pour my worries out and have a shoulder to lean on to. My husband is not the (physically) hurting type, but who knows? With all this instigation from his parents and his wavering nature, I couldn't be sure of my safety as long as my mil was around. Anyway, I felt better and told her I'll manage myself and that she may go.

    Surprisingly, my husband told me that my mil had dropped her plans of leaving to India. What the hell???? Why ALL this drama then? Are they making a fool of me?? She gave the reason that her son was feeling unwell because of all this problem and she didnt want to make him suffer by making him travel.

    That night, with clarity of mind, I spoke to my husband and conveyed my anger and agony at his mother's statements and behavior and his father's sayings. I told him how disappointed I was with his failure to control her. We tried reasoning out, but his stand was clear. HIS PARENTS ARE ALWAYS TO BE PAMPERED, WHETHER THEY ARE RIGHT OR WRONG. I told him I'll adjust, but not accept abuse. he gave me a couple of weeks time to think if I'll behave like a family girl suitable to his family (quit my job among other demands), otherwise I can leave him. I told him I have NO intention of leaving him. He didnt force me to apologise. But I took the hint and told him that I'll apologise to his mother, but my stand is the same. That I want to work and that we should manage our finances ourselves.

    Early morning, I told my mil I am sorry for having caused her mental trouble. She burst out crying, using her nebulizer, swaying and a BIG drama followed. She told me that had I been anyone else, even her daughter, she would have thrown me away and never turned back. She asked me to call my parents and tell them that I was wrong and asked her pardon. I told her I'll do nothing of the sort, that I reacted to her ways and that I feel sorry for hurting her emotionally. Before I could say that I didnt feel sorry for refusing to quit my job or asking DH about finances (I had never asked HER anything anway), my husband interrupted and told her to come out of all that. What annoyed me greatly was my mil claiming, "You think I dont know what you tell my son about me? I know each and everything going on between you two." I told her that it is not right to do that; she became wild and defended herself and her rights and started attacking me with statements which I had made to my husband about her (in an earlier fight; i rarely tell things about her and looks like he repeats anything I tell to her :( )

    I called my fil and told him we resolved problems for now and asked his pardon for not talking to him when he summoned me, saying that circumstances prevented me from speaking to him. I told him I dont have anything against him and we should be back to normal. (I found it easy to forgive him, as he acted only based on his wife's observations and laments, who painted a gory picture of me.) He agreed.

    Anyway, my mil continued her stay for 2 more months and left 2 weeks back only. Meanwhile, we were all careful not to tread on each other's shoes. I changed my work schedule and went to work in the afternoons, so that I could cook daily. She had to cook once a week, when I took DD to her playschool. My mil had health problems still and whined to her people on the phone, but she was careful not to complain openly about me, as she was afraid of my lawyer friend. I tried to forget the past and cooked, cleaned, attended to her. I could not speak sweet words to her, I was deeply hurt, but still, respected her and attended to her needs. I tried to cajole her now and then by complimenting on her cooking or something else. I made my kid play with her and mingle well with her. Sometimes, she had to care for my child when both husband and I went to work. She used to make a big deal out of it, but still life went on.

    Meanwhile, my daughter gave me enormous trouble. She did not adjust to her playschool at all. She was rejected at the first school, and they asked us to try after 3 months. Playschool is a necessity for her if I should continue working. We put her in another playschool, where they ask me to hang around the WHOLE time. So, it became too much stress for me - house, work, playschool. Meanwhile, I developed an hand problem for which a minor operation was required. It became painful and managing everything became difficult. My husband told me not to tell anyone about my operation, as his mother's health would be spoiled on coming to know that!!! (Basically, I think he didnt want her to postpone her stay if she chose to stay back. He didnt want her to be blamed later either for not staying back if she chose to leave after knowing of my surgery.) The relationship between me and my husband started going downhill. The damage was done. He rarely lent a helping hand at home; he was himself busy at work, and I didnt bother him.

    I tried reasoning out with my husband how important work is to me. I offered to take days off at work till DD gets used to her school setup. I cited my daughter as a reason to my employer and asked for leave. My boss has asked me to try working for 8 hours per week for now, and reduce that to complete holidays if it doesn't work out. He is so cooperative with me. I simply dont want to quit my job after all this. My husband threatens me that he will leave me from 1st April if I dont quit my job and start treating his parents well. Tell me people, my mil cursed, shouted, called names, threatened, abused and created great agony for me. She made me feel like a prisoner in my own house. Still, my husband supports her and tells me that that it is THEM whom I am abusing!!! Are they trying to make a fool out of me? I tried arriving at an agreement with him. I agreed to transfer the XXX dollars he had been asking for monthly to our joint account. I gave him free reins to his salary for 6 months. I told him he can save it in anyone's name (his parents or his or whoeever) for 6 months and I wont complain. After 6 months, we will review our situation and see how to proceed. He is still not satisfied. He wants me to quit my job and never work in future, to keep mum and watch him send every penny he earns to India and not ask a question. And of course put up with the rubbish his parents mete out to me.

    He clearly told me
    - If you quit your job, I will help with your surgery here.
    - If you quit your job, I will send you to India to attend your family function (we have a function in June). Otherwise, we can also both go there and visit your relatives next time we visit India.
    - If you quit your job, we can live peacefully.

    If you DONT quit your job,
    - Have your parents take care of you and your operation.
    - You cannot go to India for your family function.

    - If you still go to your family function (which is now not a big priority to me anyway), I will take DD with me separately to India later this year, as you should also suffer from her absence!


    I kept insisting that I will get the operation done here, as it is an emergency as it was hurting. That I will not quit my job, but I will take days off so that I dont disturb his work.

    Days went on and my mil's departure to India came. While leaving, she chose to get angry and offensive once again. She behaved as though badly hurt by us. She barked at me, threw down gloves I gave her for the cold, and didnt turn her head back when I bid goodbye and wished her a safe journey. She got into the car and wept and declared that she has been badly hurt and never again will she come here. It was such a contrast. I did expect some drama, but not this!

    In the morning, I called and spoke to fil and enquired if mil reached safely. He said yes. I tried speaking to her a couple of times, but she didnt want to speak to me. The same day was my hand surgery. I had to take rest for a week. Only after the surgery did my husband inform them of it. Till now, they didnt bother to enquire. They were apparently annoyed. (My parents also didnt know of my surgery then). That weekend, I tried speaking to my mil while she spoke to my husband. She declared that she didnt want to speak to me because I had told her that I dont want her. (Again another misinterpretation). I tried clarifying to her, but she denied things and started crying on the phone and telling that I am the cause of all her health problems and that I didnt treat her like a good dil should, that I called a lawyer home, bla bla bla. Tell me, people, WHY should she be afraid if I bring my lawyer friend home, if all she did was right and it was I who was torturing her?? I told her that I wanted to enquire about her health and that is why I spoke to her now, but she said that there is nothing more between me and her. I told her I wont compel her to talk to me and I desire her well-being and that I will enquire it from my husband.

    One day, he comes home and tells me his mom is bed-ridden and I enquire him about it. When I make up my mind to ask her, and he speaks to her, all she was doing was toasting chapathis and making sabji, while my fil has left his "bed-ridden" wife to attend a function! Why should they play games like this?

    Meanwhile, my husband's behavior improved dramatically after her departure. He took care of me after my surgery. He helps me with chores now and then and is more kind to me. But, he is unable to handle her now. She again started bad-mouthing me to him... i dont even know the English words for some of the words she said... My husband chose to call my parents again and complained to them and asked them to advise me. My parents had calmly gave him some advice, asked him to be patient, clarified their own situation (they blame my parents all the time for things). My parents have told me to quit my job if that is what they desire and that is what will bring peace. I refuse, as I dont want to lose it and remain at these crazy people's mercy. I am ready to talk to my mil, but it is she who is not obliging. My husband apparently talked to them, trying to convince her again, but failed badly. Now, he has turned back against me badly. Looks like he had another brain-washing session again and it has now bad repercussions on me. He called my parents again and shouted at them today, complaining a lot about me and expressing his disgust that they couldnt make me budge, bla bla bla.

    This is going on in cycles. He is throwing new blames on me now - all of them after he speaks to his parents. Today, he asks questions like
    - You have let my mother suffer in hunger for 3 days (he means the 2 days during the fight when I was crying in bed. None of us ate that day. His mom had cooked the first morning, and she also ate some little food, i clearly dont remember. Next day, i cooked some meagre meal, but she refused to eat. But how can he ask me this question???)
    - You didnt answer my father when he called you to speak.
    - What have you done as a dil?
    Didnt i cook, clean? i used to hand her milk and everything to her hand. I washed all her clothes, she didnt pick one cloth and fold it even once. i took her to the doctor and did shopping for her return to India on my own initiative. What more shd a dil do??
    - I dont maintain good relations with his family. It is days since I spoke to his sister. True. I wish her on birthdays and anniversary, and important festivals. It is 3 years since SHE spoke to me on her own initiative.
    and a lot more rubbish.

    I am submerging in problems. One side, work tension. Unable to work from home in peace. Unable to work at office without thinking of problems. Unable to find time to go to work. How long can I continue working in early morning and late evening with so much tension at home? I dont mind slogging if I know that there will be peace at home. At the same time, I dont want to quit my job now. The other problem is that I have to be all the time at the playschool till DD gets adjusted to them. they say she is a unique kid and will take weeks. I dont want to quit my job. But my husband wants exactly that. He threatens me he ll leave me. i keep telling him I have no intention of separating and will be with him only. he starts a new job on April 1st and will become less cooperative than now to take care of DD at home. Whatever little peace there was when my mil was here after the big fight, that peace is also gone after she went to India and started pulling out old problems and revelling in them long after I asked sorry. Should I go behind her back begging her to talk to me again and again? Why doesnt my husband understand that it is MY MIL who is causing the problem and not me? Why dont they behave as adults? Please tell me what to do.

    When I reasoned out with him why I should work, he admitted that after all this trouble, it is a privilege issue for him if I work. But to others, he says it is difficult to take care of DD for him for 8 hours a week, part of which time she will sleep.

    On top of all this, my not-so-healthy mil is yearning to sell of the house where they now live and which my husband had bought some years back (with some contribution from his father) and buy the old house (which was in my mil's name) which they sold recently. Reason: they feel so obliged to give our house back to the person from whom we bought it, as that person likes the neighbourhood!!!

    Now, my husband knows that I post my problems here. Probably, I will show him your replies too. I am at an end trying to convince this spineless husband of mine who badgers me and my family whenever his mother chooses to act as though offended. When will he stop all this wavering behavior? When will he act sensibly? What is the solution? Someone, please advice!

    Thanks for your immense patience.
    Sandhya
     
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2010
  3. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Sandu,

    Actually I was thinking of you for sometime. If I was in your position, I really don't know what would have been my situation.
    But I can tell what my MIL going through now.
    My MIL somehow used to hate elder DIL for no reason. The simply reason what I know is she can't cook in her house and she can't manage the house like in second son house.
    In the second son house, somehow the DIL has no power. She is like a maid and my MIL is a king in the house and that's how my MIL is so happy in second son house even though son beats her. That’s ok but DIL should give the power of the house.
    Even she used to tell us the elder DIL would kill her son one day. But luckily my elder BIL is in favor of her wife than mother. Because he knew who was the culprit.
    Now my MIL is really sick and now she needs some one to take care of.
    We are in US(3rd son) and I would do something for her if she had been nice with me earlier but she didn’t. Every time she had only complaints and nothing is true and no humanity. So now I don't want to deal with anything of her issues.
    Coming to second son. He can't even take her to doctor when she is sick and DIL is not allowed to go outside of the house.
    Elder son and DIL are not interested at all to take care of her because od the humiliation they received from her.
    Now my MIL is looking for someone who can take care of her. That’s her situation now. She has 3 sons but what is use of it. My husband can't leave the job here and that is bread and butter for us. Only women can help some way or other but not the men.
    So all these elders today or tomorrow end up in that situation. Since today they have the power to humiliate the DIL's(yeah they have power in the form of sons to humiliate the DIL) but what about tomorrow. They don’t' think about it and they have to pay price for it.
    I will write more to your problem later.
     
  4. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Sandu

    My heart was pounding and beating at a higher rate when I was reading your post:hide: really...so much of drama that too in the name of respect...involving girls parents who dont even know whats happening in their daughters house...Where is the maturity of MIL who is an elderly lady??? Where is the maturity of a MAN who is your husband???

    I personally think that you have HANDLED the situation VERY WELL by not letting out steam.

    I have one question and suggestion for you..How was your husbands behaviour when you were not working i.e when you didnt start working. Did he inform you about the finances at home?? Does he let you make any simple financial decisions and give you freedom on executing them?

    My best possible guess would be..MAKE A DEAL with your husband. If you have to QUIT your job...Tell him he HAS to stop giving Financial Decision making capability to his parents and it should be shared b/w you both (because arent you grown ups???) and ALSO that HE SHOULD STOP his parents involvement in your marriage. (i.e the moment you realise that he is still disclosing all your discussions iwth him with his mom, you would again go back to work...) am sure he would continue sharing info with his parents, but this time they have to keep their mouths shut because the moment they raise their voice you would go back to work again!

    Ask him to be a MAN rather than this nasty puppet who doesnt even know how to keep the discusisons b/w him and his wife private and not to share with his parents.

    Tell him he wont be respected as a husband or as a father in future if he continues his behaviour as people would loose faith on him to even share any thing with him as he would ultimately run to his mom / dad to blurt out those things that are shared by his own wife and kid. Ask him what chance does he stand then??

    Think about it, can you make that DEAL with him? would he be interested?

    If he is not interested in that deal, then tell him openly that you CANT QUIT your job too...reason, there should be one positive thing among all this MESS.

    If you dont have a job, husband supports hsi parents, finds faults iwth you, you being full time at home, your inlaws abusing and calling your parents and making everyones lives hell, what safety or security or mental peace a woman has in her house. Beleive me now all yourhusband cares is for his parents health..but what aobut down the line if you fall severely ill will the same people show sympathy??? His mom is all the time unwell...and he is sooo worried about her that too about a old lady....but if you at this stage fall ill, will he be able to cope up with a wife who is ill and needs more support and help around the house??NO he cant cope up..again the whole blame is on the DIL where inlaws saying DIL is making their son slog both at home and at work

    So save your mental peace, health and your job would be the only safety net for you to feel safe.

    By the way let your husband know that if money was the only priority to you, you would have joined a full time job and earned more than what you are earning now and concentrated on being a career oriented woman...but your present situation of working part time, changing your work schedule as per the demands of the house shows that you are not bothered about money but you want to be self reliant and financially independant one day...(not like him..yes do say that!) so confirm to him that you wont run away with his hard earned money as his parents are bothered about..ALSO in a marriage is this what all a MIL being a woman can think of?? DIL running away with SONs money??? cant she think something better? cant she think of marriage or how one family would be shattered?


    YES think about it pls...let me know what you think of this DEAL...Atleast you would get some time to fix issues with your husband..

    I still beleive the MAIN CULPRIT is your HUSBAND (not your inlaws..) because if he had told his mom to shut up and stop crying and shouting at his wife that too infront of your daughter..your MIL would never had been successful in what all she had been doing...but rather your husband looks and sounds very meek . I understand about empathizing with parents, taking care of their health and their feelings. But in the name of taking care of them if they shout, abuse his wife, and he joins them its real nasty and no woman / wife would ever be able to forgive the husband for this...

    So deal with your husband first. HE GIVES UP something..and You BE READY to GIVE UP something....Its give and take...not just all give....

    What say??

    No matter how it goes..But pls stop begging your MIL to talk to you..ALSO tell your husband clearly, Elders have to behave like elders and keep their respect. If they keep abusing you and ignoring you..your husband shouldnt expect you to fall on their feet begging forgivenss...Tell him if his parents and sister behave cold iwth you after you trying several times...you wont keep begging them again n again...Will he do that if someone treats him like that? So first stop this begging n pleading thing...its making things more worse and your inlaws are becoming more headstrong and abusive
     
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2010
  5. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    If your husband is going to read these replies....I have few questions for him


    --Being a husband (who is supposed to take care and protect his wife) was he able to deliver his duty?? being a husband doesnt mean making wife pregnant and letting her slog at home full time and deal with house work and kid and respecting his parents and their tantrums all the time...where was HE when his wife was being abused??? If he doesnt have that feeling of US ie she is MY WIFE and no one should raise voice on her...how can he EXPECT his WIFE to have that US feeling where SHE has to take all the CRAP from him , his parents and still beg for forgiveness and be nice to them

    --- His mother raised him. Understood. But isnt it his responsibility to keep limits on to who will talk about what to what extent??

    -- ANY MAN who shares their (i.e what goes b/w him and his wife) private matters with his parents would NEVER BE RESPECTED. even if he demands it or begs it or commands it. All he would get is resentment and less love day by day...so slowly he wont have any one to lean on ..once the same parents DIE.

    --- Why cant he keep safe distance b/w his parents and his WIFE? WAs this all necessary where his own daughter is watching how her mom is being treated by dad and wht kind of impression she would have on her grandparents and on her father after all these episodes of abuse?

    -- By the way reg. the horoscopes his mom was showing him, YEAH If he and his parents behave the same way...WHO KNOWS his wife would leave him and the kid would be given a shared custody where all HE WOULD have is HIS MONEY and HIS PARENTS....no wife, no kid....even if he remarries, that wife will also run away..because the BASIC Problem here is not the wife....its his parents..who would never let their DIL live in peace because the inlaws need RESPECT and do fault finding with the DIL

    --isnt he ashamed that he couldnt stand up for his wife and made her life hell??

    --After all this drama, Would he stand a chance for RESPECT in the eyes of his wifes' parents? i.e his inlaws?? what would they think of such MAN who still supports his moms abuses on his wife :( hopeless man really!


    One most important thing...Its really difficult to measure or analyze what is respect and what is not. So no matter how much ever DIL keeps silent not retorting back....instead of looking at it from the angle where DIL doesnt talk back to her inlaws...same inlaws point out she is not answering them or talking tot hem...i.e one form of disrespect as per them...but if the same DIL answers back and explains her point...again its disrespect..because DIL is talking back at her inlaws...

    So how to define this RESPECT & DISRESPECT? moreover for inlaws who constantly demand respect, I personally beleive from my own experience that no amount of respect or DIL falling on their feet or begging them would satisfy such inlaws...because basically these kind of inlaws dont know what they want. They have their own insecurities and inferiority complex which makes them behave like this...and at this juncture of old age they wont change...all we can do is...atleast be sensitive to that truth and STOP letting inlaws interfere in our marriage (applies to both sons and daughters)
     
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2010
  6. meena2

    meena2 Senior IL'ite

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    Sandu, Sorry to say but what kind of life is this and what kind of husband is this man?

    I am amazed at how you are putting up with this guy. According to me, and it is strictly what I feel, What more is left in this marriage?
    Your husband gets carried away with whatever his parents rubbish and you have to be the one to bear all the brunt. OK, grant him his wish. Let him be with his parents permanently. I am sorry but I mean it. You deserve a much better life than living with this scoundrel...sorry again.
    What is the use of bringing up your child in this rotten marriage? Dad abuses mom right in front of her. She, your child, deserves a better life than this and you can give that to her minus this man in your life.

    I have even read your earlier posts and other than drama drama drama there is nothing left in this kind of life. Where is peace for you? Do you think you will find peace 5yrs, 10yrs, 20 yrs down the line. What is the use if your husband comes around after 20 yrs? Your life is done!!

    I know I sound harsh and not what you may have wanted to hear. But, as a total stranger, a 3rd person, I can only see sorrow and abuse and nothing in this so called marriage. You cannot even concentrate on your work at office or at home. You are not giving your full potential at office and have no satisfaction anywhere.

    Get over him girl. Set him free. Let him find himself with his mom, dad and finally when they are gone, he will see he and his shadow all the time.
    You are spoiling your life, your future, your child's future and her life putting up with this man who is nothing but a puppet in his mom's hand.

    Think and think hard what you want in life!! Don't care society,parents etc and only listen to your heart.
     
  7. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    I agree with SriVidya.

    I think for men they wanted to show their power before the mom’s. It’s useless power game to hurt his own family. His mom has nothing to loose and your husband might not even what his grand parents role in his parent’s house.
    Does his mother respected the grand parents (father parents) and does she obeyed there rules and do they gave there money accounts to there grand parents? I don’t think anything would happen with his parents. Then what are her expectations with her DIL and son?
    I don't know real cause your MIL wanted you to leave your job. Was she not able to see another women to be successful? I believe that could be the only reason.
    In US, even single moms would manage their kids. Since you are both parents and you should able to mange the kids responsibilities without much issues.
    I have 2 kids one is just turn 3.Each kid will have some issue when they start daycare and eventually they will enjoy it and even they wanted to go Sundays too once they used for it and it's not a big deal.
    One of my friend, where both wife and husband had travel jobs and they manage 2 kids, who are five years below.
    How it is possible for women to have travel job with kids? Just a corporation from husband.
    It's all in our mind for what to do and what not to do.
    As Sri mentioned it's all about your husband and nothing to do with your MIL. Your husband should understand even he has one daughter and he can simply in your parents position one day. So he wanted to his daughter to be at home and taking care of their in-laws? That’s what he wanted his daughter to be. Each parent wanted their kids to be successful and no parents expect their kids to be submissive. It’s shame to put some parents on that position. Since they are nice and they are trying to talk with you but some parents would simply tell the daughter to leave the marriage. Yeah I have seen parents who did that too. Why they have to nod there heads just because they gave birth to women and your husband should understand he could be in that position one day too.
    Since I have 2 daughters and now my husband understand lot of about women than before. He raised in family of men he was not at all supportive before. But he had 2 daughters and now he will look though his daughter’s eyes to understand women position better.
    Money,we don’t bundle and run away with some guy. Basically women see money for future safety. What if, if something happened for one us suddenly and who is going to take care of us? We need to support our self, that’s why we need to save our money.
    Ask your husband to go to his father and ask him to get 5laks.See whether they would give money to your husband or not?
    It’s easy to give away money but it’s hard to get the money back.
    Since his parents love him so much, ask him to go get and 20laks from his father.
    Beleive me ,I think it's very hard for you to put up with this drams unless your husband relaise that he can put the drama to an end.
    Once your husband tell your MIL that it's between both of us and we will take care of it and you stay of it then there drama should end.He is supporting there drams that's why she was able to do .
    I think your should ask his mother,how much her MIL interfeared in her family matters?
    I think you need to put the full stop for this sandu.Really no use of taking this abuse.really no use.I think you need to make a bold decision.Otherwise this drams will continue for ever.
    One more thing never ever plan for second kid with this man of your unless he understand what is family and what is wife and husband means?You can't simply efford to raise the other kid.
    Where did they get authority for a wife to stop working?They can request for sometime to stop working for family welfare but he didn't have authority to ask for work forever.Can you ask your husband to stop asking his mother forever.Tell him that if he doesn't you won't cook for him.
    One rule for women and nother rule for men.I think we all should pray the god for our next janama we should born in US and not in India for equal rigths.
    1)Your husband had not become man to handle his family affairs himself.He needs his parents support and in-laws support to control his so called loving wife.
    2)More control will try to damage the marriage more and more
    3)Lot of familys have issues with this long distance relation.People in India,really not allowing parents to involve in there marraiged.but people staying in US,they are emotionally attached to paretns and allowing all these things to happen.Suppose if you move to India these things may not happend.Because they see paretns day in and day out and they don't have this emotional distress from them .
    4)Don't try to reach your MIL.If you don't reach her what do they do?Does your husband give you divorce?Let him be then he needs to learn his lesson in a hard way at the cost of his family.The person whoever comes next,won't even touch MIL door of her house.That will be good for them.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 1, 2010
  8. deepsrinivas

    deepsrinivas New IL'ite

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    Hi,
    This is the first time I am posting here. But I felt compelled to post after seeing your thread. The problem you have to sort is between you and your husband. Let alone your MIL and FIL they all will respect you only when your husband respects you. I dont understand his behaviour.If he reads these replies let him know that what is important is not only his duty as a son but also his duty as a husband towards you.There is no point in him supporting his mother and father blindly as they are wrong. He has to understand that everyone has to do their part to run a family smoothly. He cant demand things from you under conditions. It does not work out that way . If you take a step forward he should also know he has to take the next step forward. Whats private is supposed to remain between you and him ask him if he will feel ok if you talked about what he talks to you to your mom or dad. What applies to him applies to you too. They have no rights to ask you to quit your job as long as you feel fine managing both work and family. After all everyone goes to job these days and manage their family. There is no hard and fast rule that a girl can be a good wife only if she stays home. Ask him to expand his horizons of thoughts. They have no rights to yell at you and talk to you in an abusive language. I hope and pray that your husband changes after he reads all our replies. It is not MANLY to go and talk to his parents about what you both discussed. If he is old enough to get married he is old enough to handle his own finances too.His mom and dad can only interfere in a positive way in your life what are they going to achieve by doing all this is that they are spoiling their own sons life. I hope he gets to see that.Problems between you two should be sorted out between you both it is not a MAN enough to let his parents call your parents and complain about you. I pray things should get better for you soon.Computer Typing
     
  9. meena2

    meena2 Senior IL'ite

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    Sandu, I am reading your post over and over and each time I read my opinion get reinforced strongly. I see only hatred, tears and tears everywhere.
    IMO....You should separate ASAP and that is good for you and your child.
    There is no point in hanging on to this marriage and dragging this any further.

    What do you fear? Society, parents??? Can't you support yourself? If you can then why wait to gather some more trash? Parents will always tell you to adjust, adjust and still adjust and more till you choke. Can you do it?
    Or Should you do it?

    If I start narrating what my childhood neighbor, later my sister's colleague in India went through in her marital life I don't think I can get enough pages here. But, to cut short I will say it is something similar to your story. And finally what happened? She is happily separated with a 8yr old child living on her own and happy she took that step.
     
  10. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Sandu,
    My love and hugs to you. After reading half of your post I was feeling very sad for you.

    You have your sisters in IL so please don't worry. I feel you are strong that you stood up when needed and did not sign anything or give up your job.
    • You need to tell your DH that they will NOT involve your parents and do forgiveness drama.Call your parents and tell them that you are very much capable of taking care of your life.Yes there is a lot of drama but you will take care of it.
    • Don't quit your job.
    • Talk to Dh clearly that even the HC of India has ruled that immediate dependents of a man is his wife and children.You are ok to take care of them etc but no involvement.
    Stand up for yourself.Talk to the nearest women's shelter on phone and get some counselling.If possible get your DH to go as well.Just because you are a girl you don't need to put up with anything.

    Good Luck
    FL.
     

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