In a deadlock situation with beloved sister

Rajnigandha · Jun 27, 2014

Hi Ladies,

I need your help please.

My sister is in India with her family and she and her husband both work a mediocre job there, due to their education levels. They both need to work to make ends meet. She works all day outside and at home and gets pretty exhausted. Her husband, even though very nice, does not help her around the house at all. She takes of the house and the kid.

I am in this country due to my education and work, and touchwood, have a helping and well-earning and well-educated husband.

Whenever I speak to my sister, in some or the other way, she will start complaining about her life, her husband not helping, financial matter, etc.
Initially I used to feel bad for her and used to pity her, though I never told her. I always used to encourage her that things will get better. But, nowadays I get angry on her, because she keeps on saying the same thing again and again. I told her that she cannot crib about life and do nothing about it. There is no genie that will come and change her life. If she needs better life, she needs to work on it somehow, and all that. She felt pretty bad and told me only she knows how her life is.

But, today I realized what I told her. By the grace of God, I have a good life, good husband, and I am telling my sister all this because I am at a better position in every sense of life. I think I have hurt her and want to make things better with her and better for her. Not sure what can I do though. Sending money is not an option. Also, because she cannot find time, she cannot study more (part-time, etc.) to earn a better job; neither is her husband ready to study, for better job opportunity. I guess he wants magic to happen somehow.
Due to the time contraints, she is not even able to take care of her health. She is unable to lose weight, and is irritable all the time. Also, I cannot (or do not) talk to her husband about all this due to his short temper, and he would think I am interfering in his personal family matter.

I had read somewhere that sisters should always marry in the same class. Today I know its meaning.

Is anyone else in a similar situation? How should I handle such a situation and what should I do? Sorry for the long post and thank you in advance.

yellowmango · Jun 27, 2014

Talk to her. Apologize for not being more understanding.May be your sister vents to you to de stress.Tell her you are always there to listen to her.

TheUnhappyWife · Jun 28, 2014

What happened today that you realised it ?

Well, since you didn't mention about your sister having a child, I guess she doesn't have one. So, it is good time for her or her husband to go for some higher study. If not, think of some skill that they can acquire (if in IT). Otherwise, without knowing anything about their educational stream or their ages, it is difficult to suggest anything. Perhaps, Bank PO exam ? Or similar government jobs screening exams ?

Rajnigandha said: ↑

I had read somewhere that sisters should always marry in the same class. Today I know its meaning.
Click to expand...

By the way, who said such an inane thing ? Don't think of such stupid things. Will make you feel guilty for no fault of yours. Simply because people are born in the same family does not mean they will have the same station in life. And moreover, certain things are beyond control, so no point fretting over them!

pantu · Jun 28, 2014

Hi, there is a saying 'he , who has a full stomach does not know about hunger.' Same thing is happening to you. You have every thing your sister is not blessed enough. As a near and dear one listen to your sister. May be one day by God's grace she will have everything she wants!!!

Rihana · Jun 29, 2014

Rajnigandha said: ↑

Whenever I speak to my sister, in some or the other way, she will start complaining about her life, her husband not helping, financial matter, etc.
Initially I used to feel bad for her and used to pity her, though I never told her. I always used to encourage her that things will get better. But, nowadays I get angry on her, because she keeps on saying the same thing again and again. I told her that she cannot crib about life and do nothing about it. There is no genie that will come and change her life. If she needs better life, she needs to work on it somehow, and all that. She felt pretty bad and told me only she knows how her life is.
Click to expand...

Your sister doesn't want a solution or a change in life. She wants to crib crib crib. The best you can do is be a willing listener. Do not offer any comment or solution. Just listen. After a few minutes, casually change the topic with a question about something else or about a relative. Let her vent. After she hangs up she will feel lighter and get the strength to get through the next day.

The desire to change one's situation has to come from within. You cannot force her to do that any sooner than she wants to.

This will help you maintain some peace in your mind. Only thing is that you cannot share your small and big happinesses with her as automatically those will get compared with her life.

Don't believe in silly sayings such as sisters should marry into similar levels of families. If things were reversed, she would find something to crib about in her fortunate situation, and you would find a way to improve your finances and job outlook.

god2014 · Jun 29, 2014

You are her only source to express her constraints and difficulties in life. Though she repeats it, be patient to hear it. Had she been in a better position never she is going to complain, also try something to help her out. Tips can be given daily on her weight loss so that she feels you are there for her anything anytime. Begin with small things, weight loss, then for job try to speak in such a way she changes slowly from venting the difficulties to accepting it as a challenge and over coming it. Motivate her, be a good friend to share... Don't compare lives, not all fingers are same so instead start to think how better you can help her in small ways... Life will be happy for you both....