I'm heart-broken...

I guess ur shaken.. however ur mom is heart broken which led to this vent out.... Harmonal imbalances can create havoc to a sane mind to take inappropriate actions.

Instead of being angry... try to understand what all she had to give up & adjust to in name of an INDIAN WOMAN , WIFE & a MOTHER who's expected to do several sacrifices in her entire life.... Some ppl like us struggle hard & fight back to keep our identity in terms of choices we make... some ppl simply keep quite & keep living the life.. truth is whenever we have to live unwanted decisions the pressure builds inside... irresptive of fact whether you're an introvert or an extrovert you blow up either harming yourself or harming other.

A daughter can lend an affirmitive ear to her mom.. esp during her menopausal state to avoid extreme steps. Sometimes you can help them by listening from 1 ear & letting it go from the other.
Ask her what all bothered her.. dont try to justify anything.. let her speak. Its normal for lot many ladies to live their life by their terms & feel a big ego & self respect setback if things dont go their way. Lot of ladies are kiddish & irrational when they want control of the house... & this differs them from guys.
See if she can busy herself in some extra carrivular activities.. tho its v difficult at this stage to change a person.. but yes you have to highlight the brighter side of her personality & how can she contribute in new city to keep her occupied.

 

SoftGal, since you have taken all the advice in the right spirit I will tell you more about women who are in their forties.
If both DH and DW share a good relationship then menopause means freedom, but if the wife senses the DH drifting away then all hell breaks lose.
There is also the empty nest syndrome, the kids have grown up and the DH is more interested in his career than his wife. The wife/mother role is over and now one can feel like an unpaid housekeeper or a piece of furniture being shifted from one place to the other!
It is difficult to imagine ones parents with a romantic life but right now she needs the support of your father , he has to make her feel important for him.
When I said that she had spoilt the perfect family picture , I meant your family of mom ,pop, brother and a married sis -you!
Being uprooted from ones comfort zone is tough, your mom has to make a new life, new friends in a new place right from scratch . Suppose she had stuck to her guns and refused to shift with your father , then would you have agreed with her??
Be nice to her, I hope she has other supportive friends and cousins who are making her feel good as none of you seem to be doing so.
I personally feel for her as I am in the same boat , my kids understand, hope you too.

 

First I'd like to say, your mother's suicide attempt was NOT your fault, not your brother's fault, and not your dad's fault. The problem lies within your mother. People with depression have a battle within themselves, and sometimes they're very good at hiding their inner pain. It can be especially bad when depressed people continue to fight their battle alone instead of reaching out for help.

The reasons your mom gave for her suicide are very petty. But to her they will seem too big to overcome. So you see, there is a gap between reality and how she feels in her mind. She needs to see a doctor as soon as possible. They can help her to see that all of her BIG problems are really manageable. Probably they can also teach her how to be in control over her own emotions. Basically, she has blamed EVERYONE but herself for how she feels. But the reality is, nobody can take control over our emotions unless we let them. Therapy can help her identify the causes of her pain and how to deal with it. It can also help her to figure out why she is viewing these issues in an irrational way.

Your brother had every right in the world to marry whoever he wanted, whether your mom liked it or not. I hope you assure your brother that he is absolutely not to be blamed. Assure your dad too that his moving is not to be blamed either. And to your mom, tell her that you're available to talk and listen to her problems ANYTIME of day or night and you will help her work through them. And like I said, INSIST that she sees a doctor on a regular basis. Let her know that you love her. Tell her how it made you feel when you thought you were going to lose her. Suicide doesn't just leave one victim, it leaves behind a family of victims who carry that pain the rest of their lives. So for all of your sakes, make sure your mom receives the professional help she needs. Many times depression is caused by a CHEMICAL IMBALANCE. Meaning, her chemicals in the brain could be all out of whack, making it hard for her to handle problems and emotions as well as the rest of us. But with medication, she can start feeling like her old self again. She might be feeling awkward about taking medication, so assure her there is NOTHING wrong with it, and taking meds doesn't make her crazy, it makes her HEALTHY.

There is a song that I like by a rock band, and the lead singer had a friend who committed suicide. One of the lines in a song about the friend's death is, "You laughed the loudest, who'd have known?" The point being, lots of times people who are hurting on the inside, are not always showing the signs on the outside. That's why often times family members and friends are shocked by a close one's suicide.

Right now you are angry. I'd be angry too. But, work through that anger with your husband, or see a therapist to help you work through it. Don't show it to your mom. Instead, verbalize to her that what she did HURT you, and then move on to helping her. When a person is as hurt as you are, it's easy to start focusing on yourself. But at this time, focus needs to be on your mom. It might even be helpful for YOU to see a therapist who could help you to learn how to handle this situation with your mom, and what things to say to her... and more importantly, what not to say. See, most of us have never dealt with suicide, or if we have, it's been maybe once in our life. So we never have time to learn from it... there's usually never a 'next time'. But therapists have seen hundreds of these cases, and they KNOW how to deal with it. Take advantage of their experience and use it to help your mom.

There's nothing to be ashamed of. Think of depression and suicide as an illness, because they are. Would you feel ashamed if your mom had a heart attack because of sickness in her heart? No. Just like any other ailment, your mom is sick and is displaying the consequences. Only difference is this illness is in the mind. But she is still the SAME mom you've loved all these years. And always remember, be it with your mom or anyone else in your life... never lose an opportunity to tell someone you love them, because you never know if you'll get another chance.

Good luck.

 

Dear SoftGal,

I'm really sorry for what you and your family had to undergo. It's a very difficult situation and you as a daughter HAVE to show patience and love towards your mother now. Your anger is not wrong. But this is NOT the time to show any anger on a already depressed person.

From what I read, it's the lack of listening ears that has collapsed your mom's confidence and the chemical imbalance attributed by her menopause has added fuel to it. As ASG says, don't blame yourself or your brother or your dad for this, because the family is already shaken and you blaming will only aggrevate their pain.
I would also like to add to the points that ASG, Shilpa and many others have pointed. After you and your brother moved out for work/marriage, the empty feeling that she brought a void in her mind. She probably feels less worth now than when she was taking the full role of 'stay at home' mom. Also your fathers job has been keeping him busy with little time left for your mom. According to me, this IS a mistake.. BUT this is NOT the time to show fingers, for he must also be in great pain.

- Talk to your mom regularly if you are not living with her.
- Be patient with her and tell her that you ARE her daughter and she can open up to you anytime. Donot force her to tell any reason, for she would open up by herself sooner or later.
- Make her feel that she IS INDISPENSABLE in your lives.
- Bring her to your place and give her a change of atmosphere(You said that your husband is supportive)
- If you are working,do any financial help if needed at this time.
- As ladies here have said, seek professional help.

I sincerely hope and pray for your mom and her recovery and your family.

 

Dear Soft gal,

I understand your situation well. Listen... first thing you live in a beautiful country though sometimes depressing (i lived there in Geneva for many years) and you are very... far from your parents... From your post, I understand that your parents and bro lives in India...right? you are their only daughter..you left and your bro would have left (this is my guess) for higher studies... your father goes out for work or to meet friends often... so it is natural that your mother is depressed...may be because she has a tender heart and feelings and she doesn't know how to cope up the loneliness.... Instead of getting angry with her, y don't you bring her to your place (I guess Geneva??) and this will give her lot of relief...and now the weather is changing in Europe, it will be good. On top, she will see how you are left alone here with the depressing weather sometimes...
Try this instead of nagging her why she did it... YES..she did it... why, coz she has no one to share her emotions... why don't you look at the other side of the coin?? good luck