ILs staying abroad & putting up with widowed MIL visiting frequently

Hi Ladies,

Started going through IL for a while now and all the sensible ideas coming out of you guys are very helpful.

I have been married for 7.5 years now. I dont have a great relationship with my MIL. She didnt even ask me how i was doing after my deliver, to which her excuse was that FIL was very sick and it didnt come to her mind. Three months after my daughter was born she became widowed. She came to US immediately and stayed for 6 months. Her plan is to go back to india for a month or two then come back for another 6 month and to continue that until we go back to india.

Even before she got widowed whenever, PIL are here, they and she act like a conjoined twin to my husband. She would rather sleep on the couch while we watch a movie rather than going to her bed. I pretty much get no time with my husband alone. She hardly helps in chores around. Weekdays she may make a dish for dinner. thats the only thing she does. If the dishes are not done, she would wait for me to wash a single utensil to make morning coffee. She wont change my daughter's diaper even.

She will not say a thing about me to her son but will call someone over phone and say all things aggravating relating to me such that i hear her talk.

This time, I am pregnant again along with taking care of a baby. She will be around here during my second delivery. SO i may not be able to bring my parents. My husband and my parents are not in talking terms. My husband and i are actualy trying to reconcile after a very very rocky phase.

I dont know what to do for delivery, if my parents come, they will be made slave (which they were when they came for my first delivery, my dh and mil didnt lift their finger neither for the baby nor for housechores, which we thought were because of their loss. But again MIL not being considerate of my mom slogging off cooking, cleaning and taking care of an infant while i was at work bothers me even now).

If i decide to bring them after she leaves on November, then they will be here during the winter, but will be with the grandkids. But again she is going to be back in a month or two. SO, having my parents without her is going to be impossible going forward.

I feel helpless...i dont expect her to do chores but not even talking to me hurts me. She wont start a convestaion without me starting, even if i start her response is oneword although once her son comes back she can talk hours together. Also, acting like a conjoined twin to my husband bugs the most. She is only 59 but she is (or says) very sick most of the time. To take care of her, there is a caretaker appointed and paid by us just for the couple of months of her stay back in india. Although we have to pay that person half salary while she is here in US. My husband has made up his mind to do that and no way changing his mind.

Please give me some tactics to deal with this situation in my life...

thanks a lot for reading...

 

FIL passed away last august and i do understand what they are going through but even when my FIL was alive, both of them always be with dh and never bothered about our privacy. I am the one who has to let it go and which i have been doing during their visits. Now her being a widow I see she is going to attach herself to him for the rest of her life.

We are also in a very tight financial situation esp with all the travels and expenses that happened last year. So, my husband will not accept to have my parents come again this year. esp now he has to fly his mom this frequently.

 

Well, he was never that open to my parents from the very beginning. His father told him that my mom said something mean about dh during our wedding day, which i cross verified with a relative which my FIL said was present and happened to be not true. But inspite of that my parents apologized to my DH and his parents. DH walked out of the room while my dad was apologizing over skype.

When my parents were here during my delivery which my husband didnt want to begin with, dh and i had few fights now and then.after delivery when i asked him to help a bit in house chores (i started working after 6 weeks and dh wouldnt even do grocery shopping) he said, "isnt your parents here to work?", then slowly one thing let to another, his father died, his mother came.

My parents were trying to satisfy them. DH never chit-chat with my parents anyway. DH wanted to take the newborn to show to his father, i ended up doing paper work to get the PIO, however, i put my parents address as permanent address since i filled the form. DH wouldnt sign it (sexist indian system, says clearly 'Father's signature' at the end) because the info wasnt relevant to him.

Two months later his father died and he wanted all of (including my parents) to go to india. I said we cant take the baby, then he said then why cant your parents go to india, i already started working and daycare that was good didnt have opening. I said there is no point in sending my parents to india now with you. He ended up going by himself.

AFter he came back i asked him to fill the form. It didnt occur to me when i filled in the form about having my parents address. He never mentioned that to me directly but just said 'correct the info'. I said then you fill in the form with whatever you want to and sent him the link, he never bothered to fill the form to get the PIO. A big fight erupted and that's pretty much end of it all. I infact went ahead and filed for divorce. Then later he wanted to reconcile but ended up creating more fights for something else. When my parents left i had filed for divorce. Now, we are trying to patch up again and figured i am pregnant and MIL is coming back.

 

I cant stop him bringing his mom. they dont consult with me regarding that. I get the information after the tickets are booked and plans are made. having my parents while my MIL is like Deja vu...it means my husband and MIL can sit on the couch to watch non-stop movies while my parents wait on them and take care of the baby while i do the grocery shopping and the outside errands. this is my concern.

 

Sweetypi...that's 100% correct. Having her prevents us from reconciling because we dont get privacy and he, i cant point my finger, behaves very differently when his parents or my parents are here. i was looking forward to have some quiet phase before baby 2 comes onboard but apparently that's not going to happen.