1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Ils Brainwashing Wife

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Dreamer, Apr 25, 2023.

  1. Dreamer

    Dreamer Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    275
    Likes Received:
    192
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Male
    Hello everyone, I have been a fly on the wall in these forums for a long time and finally thought of writing about my issues.
    I live with my ILs (MIL and SIL) and off late they both have started to complain about me to my wife. Despite me asking them to talk to me directly, they still do it. I can't get wife to trust me over them. Please advice what to do. Thanks in advance.
     
    Loading...

  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    12,532
    Likes Received:
    30,342
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    Focus on yourself. Practice self-care in whatever form you can. That can be Netflix, browsing your ChatGPT history, exercise, long walks, a hobby, photography, meditating, listening to music. Take care of your happiness. Don't let that be dependent on your wife's or in-laws actions and opinions. When your wife sees you happy inside out and happy while her mother and others are complaining, she will start to find you more appealing than them. Then, the trust you seek will grow organically. Aim to gain your wife's trust, period. Not that she should trust you more than she trusts others. Don't invite others into your marriage. Your competition is only with yourself of yesterday.

    At least, that's roughly what we usually tell women when they ask for advice.
     
  3. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    1,918
    Likes Received:
    4,003
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    What are they complaining? Need to identify the problem. If you think its just complaning, you dont have much to do, then giving lot of space , respect to them and minding your own life is the way to go.
    May be they are not comfortable to share it you than to their daughter/ sister.
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2023
    Thyagarajan and chanchitra like this.
  4. Dreamer

    Dreamer Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    275
    Likes Received:
    192
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Male
    Sounds pretty surface level and impractical to be honest.


     
    chanchitra likes this.
  5. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    13,464
    Likes Received:
    24,272
    Trophy Points:
    538
    Gender:
    Male
    @Dreamer,

    It is hard to have differences with the spouse which is why most women struggle when their inlaws complain about her to the husband. It is unfortunate you are in this situation. If one of the reasons your wife lives with her parents is because she has implicit confidence in their words and their directive of how to conduct life, then, you have very little option. You have knowingly walked into that situation. However, she is open to other suggestions, you can have healthy conversation with her to understand her reason why she doesn't trust you over her parents.

    If I were you, I will try to help her parents everyway I can and win their confidence over a period of time to change their mind. This is what most women do who live in inlaws residence with her husband.

    If you are confident that you were not at fault, then, try to convince your wife to come out with you to live alone.

    In my view, those are the two choices.
     
    Thyagarajan and Dreamer like this.
  6. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    959
    Likes Received:
    1,256
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    It is not.

    Blood is thicker . Either you and your spouse move out . Otherwise it is tricky. Women are even more emotional than men. So it might back fire if you try even harder.

    sorry to hear. this is tricky situation. More STOIC stance will work. or a Grey rock. google on it.
     
  7. Dreamer

    Dreamer Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    275
    Likes Received:
    192
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Male
    Grey Rocking is something I have been reading up on too. Thanks for solidifying my belief in it :)
     
  8. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,957
    Likes Received:
    11,424
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    Let me tell you from my husband's experience:

    My mom lives with us, and often we go home on vacation to live with my side of the extended family.
    Unfortunately, due to some unpleasant reason we have completely cut ties with in laws, so my H is left with only certain friends to call his FOO.
    So, needless to say, my folks often criticize about him. Not directly on face out of respect and his position as SNIL, but mostly to me. They find him as an extension to his evil parents, so whatever he does, it will be related to whatever his parents did in the past.
    I find he is more scrutinized and it is impossible to be picture perfect in human life.

    Even though I have a very balanced view, and I often silenced my side of the relatives whenever they approach me with a complaint, I find myself tend to believe them a lot, at least at first and have this uncertainty about my husband.

    This is due to several past experiences, where my folks stood by me as a rock and their intentions being always genuine whether their observations and advices were right or wrong.
    On the other hand, my H failed miserably by trusting his folks. He not only failed as a spouse, but as a person in life and in his career, so trusting him completely and blindly became an issue for me.

    Over the time, my H stopped expecting my trust or my support, but started working on self.
    He started being nicer to the kids, to me, often sided by my decision and changed a lot which was very visible even to the extended family.
    For the first few years, they all thought he was acting. Obviously, it wasn't easy to gain someone's trust after all.
    But later, they all got convinced that he is changing. Now they are more lenient towards him, give him the benefit of the doubt and more forgiving than me.

    Time flies, and with time people forget what happened in the past. But what is happening now or in the recent past matters.
    So, you must act wisely as @Rihana mentioned on self care.

    For whatever the reason, your in laws have negativities towards you; hence complaining to your wife. For whatever the reason, your wife is trusting them than you..
    Maybe knowingly or unknowingly you have wronged them in the past. Try to realize this first, and try to change your ways, so that they will start trusting you.

    If you haven't wronged in any ways, just stop expecting their trust. No matter what, some people will always mistrust you. It is not your problem, but theirs. So, be yourself.

    Be happy, be welcoming, be nicer, be confident, be warm and all nice. On the other hand, those complainers will always be negative and critical; hence they can't be nicer.
    This way, your spouse and children will eventually take the nice person's side and see things from different perspective.

    It is a slow race, so don't panic. Pick your battle, and be consistent in whatever you do.
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.
  9. Dreamer

    Dreamer Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    275
    Likes Received:
    192
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Male

    Thank you so much for such a detailed and comforting reply. What I fail to understand is why do my ILs especially SIL have bitterness against me. I have done everything I could to win their affection but no success.
    Maybe, being patient is the only way to go for me. Thanks again for your answer.
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.
  10. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    1,918
    Likes Received:
    4,003
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    Its very natural to have conflicts and misunderstanding in a joint family setup.

    Most of the time it is MIL * DIL* SIL conflict . Here you are in a similar situation.
    Is it possible for you to move out with your family and have your own home. After marriage thats the best thing to do. Space and distance is good to maintain relationships . If that is not an option, you need to adjist with the situation and do the best.

    Why dont you talk to your wife and try to understand the issue. There will be a solid reason for your SIL or MILs, negative responses. There is something that hurt them or bother them. Are you always calm composed and treat others well.
    I am sure you may have some clue. Not easy to suggest a solution if the correct issue is not known.

    If your wife is not ready to discuss and If you are completely, ignorant, then being happy, doing self care, being your best cheerful version is the way to go. If you are not happy, you cant make others happy. Also, focus on things you can control.
     
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2023
    Thyagarajan likes this.

Share This Page