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If I Were A Piece Of Carbon, I Would Have Become A Diamond

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by anivijay, Aug 25, 2021.

  1. ashima10

    ashima10 Platinum IL'ite

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    May your mom soul rest in peace.

    Prayers for your peace too...Stay strong.
     
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  2. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks for detailed response to my FB.

    I am glad of your contents and that you understood your own people in their true colours by a visit to India.
    It is true the thought of not able to remain close to mom in her sunset years and or in the evening of her distressed life would give a guilt. But you can’t help it. Let it go. In the heart of heart, mother loved you and her blessings would be always with you.

    However unhappy don’t ignore DH. HE DID TRANSFER money and it is family money. I think you should not cross with him.

    In the existing scheme of things, married or spinster or single women should hold on to job. Relatively, It is best companion ever compared to partners, relatives, siblings.

    Among siblings - especially married ones - Equations and affections would drastically change instantly whenever division of property of parents arise.
    Money accumulated always divides siblings! TN Has made a law that daughters too have equal share of assets and liabilities of parents. Many sisters and daughters are not aware.

    My best wishes to your DH.

    I liked the gift of crochet to your DH birth day of which you posted in your very first thread of yours in IL which gathered many appreciations.

    SHE MUST BE wearing that well preserved silk saree you bought for yourself from Kodai few years ago. Have her snap attired in silk sarees too in an album!
    Regards.
    God Bless.
     
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2021
  3. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Ani - This is so heartbreaking. I’m sorry is a very insignificant word when your grief feels insurmountable. I am truly sorry for your loss. I am sorry you have to go through what you are going through after your mom’s passing.

    Your relationship with your mom wasn’t bad or ended badly. You both knew what you meant to each other. If my daughter stops calling me, I would probably let her stew for days together too. That does not mean I don’t value her calls or don’t love her or consider my time spent talking to her as wasted. It’s just a tiny tiff in all of those 19 years and minutes you spent. Look at the big picture. You were both there to talk to each other all those days. If you still feel like you transgressed, please forgive yourself. I’m sure your mother already did. Cherish that saree. Mothers may not say I love you or I’m thankful you called or I’m so happy you are doing all these things. We do appreciate what our kids do though. Especially older daughters. They are such a support to have.

    Forgiving yourself will give you a chance to grieve without carrying an additional burden. Don’t hold on to guilt and hurt your grieving process.

    I also think you should compartmentalize. Material aspects, money sending, money troubles with husband, etc should all be in a different bucket. Don’t multiply your grief by adding all that on top of your bereavement. Give yourself a chance to grieve properly and then tackle all those other things. You cannot control what your spouse says but you can control your reactions. Don’t let the things he says add to your grief.

    Take things one day at a time. I hope you are able to in time, find peace. I hope in time you are able to have some relationship with your siblings without expectations from both sides.
     
  4. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    So sorry for your loss. May her soul rest in peace.
     
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  5. anivijay

    anivijay Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for your kind words Laks.

    Husband some times says, this separation and heart break happened for a reason. otherwise, I would not have survived the loss of my mom.. We were too attached.

    God only knows.

    You are right about compartmentalize.. But I couldnt do that at that time. But as you said, keeping them in one bucket , multiplied the grief and its suffocating.

    I'll keep your advice in my mind.

    Thanks :)
     
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  6. anivijay

    anivijay Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for your kind words , Sir.

    Thanks for appreciating my crochet work. I have to start crocheting again.

    We are just 3 daughters. we are dividing the property in the ratio, 15:40:45 between me, first sister and second sister. Me and husband are ok with it. I hope my sisters are happy.

    If god bless both of us with long life, we'll work and earn for our children.

    Thanks for your blessings.
     
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  7. winterhue

    winterhue Gold IL'ite

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    Grief is a very weird thing OP. Unless someone has travelled the same boat, it is very difficult to understand what the other person is going through. I completely understand, because I lost my mom too and I was very close with her.

    First and foremost, don't bottle up grief. You need to vent it out. If you are abroad , search for a griefshare support group. They are online and you can find one nearby if you want to go. While they are sometimes attached to a church, they don't impose much of it in these sessions . Let me tell you, it has been a great place where I could just voice my feelings. If possible, go and see a therapist for atleast a couple of sessions so that you can process your grief, if you dont - you will end up having a nervous breakdown like me.

    In my circle , I am the only person who has lost a parent. So there is NO one who understands the loss of a "home". When people talk excitedly about india vacations, I feel lost and sad - because I dont have anyone who is waiting to see me eagerly back in India. There is no one waiting for a call or no one to ask me when I am sick. So you also need to give yourself time to learn to get used to that feeling. Again , there is no expiry date for grief. One day, you wont wake up and you wont have recovered from the pain. It will remain a part of you. The guilt, the what-if rabbit holes, the blaming everyone and then blaming yourself, everything is natural . Just hang in there.

    You also need to forgive yourself. There is nothing you could have done to prevent any of this. This is not your fault and you need to repeat that to yourself again and again. it is natural to be angry at BIL, at even your husband. But understand that bygones are bygones, there is no use in stewing yourself away in them. Easily said than done. Yet, keep reminding yourself that you are not at fault in any way. Hugs to you girl. Message me if you need someone to just talk to .
     
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  8. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    Hugs.
    The pain when your parent pass away while you are in another country is tremendous.
    Unfortunately, I know it.
    It doesnt fade, you onlt try to live with it. The pain is now part of you.

    Spouses will be like 'its been 30 days so time out'... or 'its been 2 months you are using the same excuse'.
    These are the same ones who will trun blue when their side family has a accidental ant bite on their little toe.

    Only genuinely empathetic people will get what you are going thru...
    Please know that your mother is in you, spiritually and scientifically. You have her nose or mouth or her hair, no one can deny it. Gift of God. Many people might see little things in you and get remembered of your mother.

    Keep her memories close. Cherish whatever time you had... keep reminding and smile on your childhood pics with her.

    Your husband is heartless. Just completely ignore his dramas. They are a nuisense and nothing more.

    Hugs again... you are not alone.
    We shall meet all our loved ones again; only a matter of time... till then make real memories with people who matter in this part of the illusion :). I think you already know memories matter, I dont need to repeat.
     
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  9. ranju5

    ranju5 Silver IL'ite

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    Truly sorry for what you have been through and what you are going through.
    My sincere condolences. God rest her soul in peace.

    May God also grant you strength too.

    God bless you, sending you lots of love and healing energy. Have Faith, this too will pass. xxx
     
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  10. anivijay

    anivijay Silver IL'ite

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    thanks Winterhue, for understanding. The idea of griefshare support group is good. Even though, I went for bereavement counselling, its over now. I could not say , I am out of the grief. I am still crying after 1 year. I'll try to find a group in my area.
     

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