If I Were A Piece Of Carbon, I Would Have Become A Diamond

I am coming here after a long time.. And write here what happened in last 2 years.. Its not going to change anything in my life.. Damage already happened , whether its my fault or not.. I am the one , who is going to suffer for my remaining life. There may be a lesson or two for parents or children reading this.. Going to be long and disturbing and sad.. so, please dont read if you want to save your day.

In my previous thread, I told about my maternal house, how its is occupied by my sister's family and BIL not letting my mom to build a room for me and I felt I was not welcomed there by mom any more..

Following that, I had a conversation with my mom on Jan 18th, 2020. I told her, I am visiting you every year just because I love you. Its costing me atleast 5 L. Who from USA or Europe from our circle, visiting every year? If I come once in 3 years or 5 years, you would be eagerly waiting for me. Since I am coming every year, you are not valuing me. You are thinking , I had no other place to go , thats why I am coming here. If I saved the money I spent on travel, I would have bought a house for myself. I am not coming anymore amma. She said, I'll build a room by the time you visit next time. I said, this is what you have been telling for last 10 years. your Son in law wont let you build , this is not going to happen. I am not taking any more insults. I cried and I cut the call.

What I expected was, my mom would call me immediately. She didn't. After all its free whatsapp call. I left my house in 2002 and I called my mom every single day. I talked to her for hours. I could not survive without talking to her and I thought its the same for her.

I was so hurt that i didnt call her next day. But I was holding phone in my hand and waiting for her call. She didn't. It was so painful but I decided not to call and see when she would call me.. She called after 14 long days. It was a shock for me that she can go on without talking to me for 14 days. I felt like a fool for calling her every day whether i am in my home or away. even on the days i visited other countries. whether I am working or not.. Whether I had young babies or teenagers.. I felt she didn't really want to talk to me but she is talking out of compulsion.. I had taken all her time.. Sometimes she mentioned that my calls are boring.. I dont know how to express that feeling.. even there is a thread about this..During those 14 days, I asked my other sister did mom tell anything about me. The least I expected was , she would have mentioned your sister didnt call me for few days. She said, nothing. she didnt mention your name.. I decided, ok when ever she wants, let her call me. I am not going to disturb her anymore. not going to kill her with boredom. I am available anytime. After all , its free whatsapp call.

On Feb 7th I received a silk saree from my mom in parcel. With a short note saying you should think about positive things than negative. After my time, you have to look after both sisters. My saree issue is famous here in IL. I came a long way and prepared myself not to expect saree from her. During my last trip, she mentioned, we are not expecting anything from you, why you are expecting from us? These words broke my heart into pieces and when I received that saree, I felt numb. I knew it would have been very hard for her to arrange blouse stitching and send this by parcel. I wanted her to get me saree when i visit her.. When she used to send dress for kids, I asked her to stop saying why are you wasting money on postage.. I called her and thanked her. saying it was beautiful but dont struggle like this any more.

I wore that saree for my birthday and send picture to my sister.

Since I was not calling her, mom used to call me every 3 or 4 days. I was thinking, so you really wanted to talk to me only once in 4 days. this is enough for you. I am sorry that i called you everyday and wasted your time.

When I first came to this country, I couldnt sleep at night and waiting for her to wake in India and call her at morning 7 (which is 2.30pm here). When she retired, I used to call her 3 or 4 times a day, thinking I was giving her company. I used to call her while going to office and talk to her till the minute i reach my desk. I called her in lunch break. I called her in evening while coming back from office in summer. In winter, by the time i finish my work , it would have been 10.30 pm for her. So, I dont like winter and would be waiting to change the clock so that I can talk to her one more time in a day.

When a person calls you every day for 20 years and stop one day, and you dont even bother to ask , why you are not calling, what kind of value you gave for that person and their time and love? And act like , nothing happened.


She never asked me why I am not calling her anymore. she never asked me are you busy , why you are not calling me.. without asking that question, she would talk about this stupid british royal family, what megan is doing? where is harry? how is prince charles? I dont understand. Calls become shorter.. 2 mins max. How are you? we both would ask these questions. what kids are doing this is from her.. anything special we both would ask this question and reply nothing special .. Long gone the days , that we talked for hours.. It all became a distant dream.

I couldn't act like nothing happened. I think and come to a conclusion that mom didnt like me because I am not beautiful like my sister(based on many incidents). I started saying these to my 2nd sister.. you know mom once told me I looked like a housemaid. she asked my mom and she said no i didnt. I sent the picture and mom said to my sister yes I told. but I told about the saree, not your sister. me and mom went together to buy that saree.. I told, appa never loved me because I always fight for mom.. i tell myself dont worry you are mom's favourite. now mom also doesnt like me.. what wrong did i do? again sister asked mom.. she replied did appa tell he didnt like her? we are not responsible for her imagination.

But how hard it is for a mother to tell her child, I love you? After I let her know, how I feel? Is that so difficult to tell me, I just told for fun.. Are you keeping that in your heart? If I dont love you, whom I am going to love? Is that too much to expect from a mom? I am getting this advice again and again, that dont expect anything. If I cannot expect love from my mom, from whom can i expect that ( because i already accepted the fact that husband doesnt love me)?

In the middle covid started spreading. When ever I talked to her, I told to be careful. not to go outside. wash hands before eating. dont touch your face.. be careful. take care.. she didnt need to worry, if she was careful. Asked her to control sister and bil and ask them to stay safe..She was telling BIL was roaming around the city unnecessarily. I called my aunts and asked them to control him. she was telling , after roaming outside, he was not even washing his hands , stating he didnt touch anything outside.

In 2nd week of July last year, 2nd sister told me mom was having fever. I called her and asked why. she was telling me she had head bath and pumped water out of hand pump. it was too much strain for her. Asked her not to strain herself.

she had high fever in another 2 days and then only I came to know, that BIL was having fever for last 1 week and these people are sleeping together in bedroom with A/C on. I didnt know about this. sister was also having fever and she couldnt smell anything. Asked them to go and take covid test and all 3 of them tested posiitve. BIL with 25% infection and mom with 10% infection.

Mom was good. But we decided to admit her in hospital just in case. If she require oxygen later. Aunt found a package (6L). mom went to hospital. I called her and talk to her 45 mins.. after long time. She told how BIL brought covid into the house. Even after he had fever, he refused to go and qurantine himself in upstairs room.. how he sat in each and every room and infected everything. how careless and selfish sister was.. How BIL asked her ATM card while coming to hospital and she shouted at him saying , you only gave this for me.. i wont give you my card.. we talked.. Even then, she didnt ask me why I stopped calling her...

But I decided, this is enough. I couldnt take this any more. I am going to call her like I used to call her earlier.. i dont care what she thinks.. even if I disturb her, thats fine..

BIL was admitted in another hospital and he was critical. slowly he got better and Amma's health going down. In the mean time, Corporation came and sealed our house.. Sister also got admitted in hospital amma was there. But by the time she went, they moved mom to icu. In ICU, signal was not good. I could not call her.

I would beg my sister to go and visit amma. She would go for just 5 mins. And in evening i would ask her to visit again. She would shout at me saying how many times you would expect me to take bath. i can not go.. i'll go only in morning.. I used to cry helplessly feeling guilty for not being there for my mom..


Me and mom are big coffee lovers and mom complained she needed coffee in morning and they are not giving.. Again asked my sister to arrange coffee. ask some hospital workers by giving them more money and get coffee for her.. she didnt care..

Amma didnt cooperate for treatment. They said, if we could give some injection there is 80% chance for recovery.. It costs extra 1 lakh. i said ok. In the mean time, Aunt asked 5L for mom's treatment. And asked me to get from her once she is back. I asked my husband to transfer money..

after that injection, mom was unconcious for a day. they said it would take 48 hours . i was waiting.

My sister visit my mom at morning 7am. that is 2.30 pm for me. i wont sleep for whole night.. waiting for 7 and call my sister about moms health. while talking to her, she got a call from mom. so she cut the call. i realised mom was having a mobile and signal.

so I called mom after 5 mins and asked her how was she feeling. we were frightened. she asked me did you send money for treatment. i said yes. then she asked , if so why your aunt is asking for my cheque book?..I said, amma i'll take care of it. you dont worry. you come back .. thats enough. while talking, there was a nurse shouting at amma. what are you doing there in a rude voice. I asked her, is she talking to you like this? she said yes, she even beated me.. I said I'll talk to doctor. they are not supposed to treat you like this. but you please cooperate for the treatment.. and I cut the call. I slept after so many days, thinking she is asking about money.. so she made it..

That was my last call. she slipped into coma and passed away 2 days later, without telling me anything.. Leaving me in hell with heart full of wounds that I am going to suffer for rest of my life. My first sister saw her after she passed away. they gave 2 hours for cremation. My 3 uncles went and collected her body and directly went to crematorium and everything over in 2 hours..

When ever i leave , in airport I hug her and tell in her ears, Jeyarani be safe till I come back. you should receive me in airport when i come back. When the flights take off, I pray to god , i am handing over my mom in your hands , keep her safe till I come back and every time fight lands in India i used to thank god for keeping my mom safe..

I knew one day my mom would die.. But I tell myself, if the love between me and her was real, i would be there with her in last moment. It would happen when i visited her. I would sit with her in her bed, hold her hands and tell her how much I love her. Thanked her for all she did.. Kiss her forehead and say good bye. you go back peacefully amma, I'll take care of sister.. And I would be able to give her a good funeral , a beautiful coffin and a grand mass..

That was best case scenario.. She used to ask me, would you come , if I die? I laugh at her and tell , what kind of question is this? I wont think about money.. how much ever the ticket price, I would catch direct flight and come .. Never in my nightmares, i thought this would happen..

Is my love not real? I loved her as much as I love my children. I never loved anyone else in my life more than I love these 3.. If this is not love, what is love then?

Whats the meaning of this life? Whats the point of living? How can she go , leaving me in hell? Did she love me or not? Why she kept quiet? Why she just put a carpet on fire and act like everything's normal? why? Why couldn't she talk to me freely?

Was she mad at me for anything? Did I do anything terrible to her? Did I ever hurt her? If so, why couldn't she tell me? If she could not talk to me freely , whats the point of talking to her for 832000 mins on phone(19 *365*60 mins)? If we could not talk about things hurting us, what were we talking about all these years? If I couldnt understand my mom, whats the meaning of my life? I already failed in so many roles.. I thought i was atleast a good daughter.. Who am I? Am I that terrible? What wrong i did, rather than loving my family?

It looks like she realised about her end. She told first sister, your elder sister is going to be disappointed ( i dont know the right word here.. some one help.. in Tamil, it is , un akka emanthu poga poraa). If you know you are going to die and you know one of your children is mad at you for whatever reason( my fault or your fault) , would you just leave her in that situation and go? you would imagine how your child is going to come and cry at your grave, and you feel happy at that thought?

And my sister replied, she is not talking to you. why you are calling her? stop calling her..

She never mentioned me that my mom worrying about me not calling her. I got the impression she never cared..


This is just the start of night mare..

If I were a piece of carbon, i would have become a big diamond for all the pressure I handled after amma passed away...

I'll write on..

 

Thanks for your kind words Amica

 

Thanks for remembering me Sir.

I could not take the credit for financial help. As I told, i asked husband to transfer money as I was not capable of doing a bank transfer. he did from his account. And even when mom was alive, he started asking for money back. get money from your mom. I said ok.

Then Mom passed away. It costed 7.5L. I paid 5L and first sister paid 2.5L. I could not go to india, as there were no flights. without my signature, they could not close bank account. And we didn't know, her financial situation.

I really didn't want that money, because I could not give one more rupee to my mom ever again. So, I wanted to contribute that for her treatment. But husband literally tortured me. Go and get that money. that is my money. I transferred from my account. I said ok, you transfer from my account. He transferred around 11L from my account, telling all the money we ever spent for my family.. i said thats fine. now you got the money. please never talk about this. it started again.. Ask for that money. why you should give? If your mom is alive, i wont ask. I would contribute full amount. now she is not there. so, you dont need to give. I dont understand this logic.


Whom shall I go and ask? Do I have a father or brother , whom I can go and tell , your SIL /BIL is asking for that money. we better give that back..

It was hell for few months, even I was thinking about suicide. I went back to india in Feb and sorted everything out. And prayed my mom, show me a way.

I cant tell this to my relatives. Even If i tell, no one would believe. I told them, what ever in bank account, I'll give 2.5L to sister. If remaining is more than 5L , I'll take 5l and share the rest. Otherwise, I take whatever remaining.

They were thinking , why can't I give this 5L to my sisters? I became a selfish ,money minded and cunning girl in their eyes.

There was exactly 7.5L in mom's account. I gave 5L to my husband and said my mom settled her debt. I didnt do anything for her. you be happy.

i learnt the lesson, I can never ever trust him or expect him that he would support me. If he could not support me in that difficult situation, when can i expect?

I am with him, because I want to give solid family to my kids. The same that my mom gave us.

But my support and strength is my job, not my husband.



But I feel very lonely often.. So much happened. Pressure from family to come back to india to take care of sister..But as I told, I am working here. If I go to India, who would support me?

I changed the job sir, when mom was alive. This job gives me better pension than previous company . and I live here. Salary is also more.. I am happy in my job.

Thanks for your kind words.

 

Thanks Sunpa. Yes , its extremely difficult to accept the fact she is gone.. Gone for bereavement counselling for 6 months and it helped a bit.

Hope time will heal my wounds one day..