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I totally stopped talking to my husband

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by MaintainCool, May 3, 2012.

  1. MaintainCool

    MaintainCool Bronze IL'ite

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    I totally stopped talking to my husband.i dont have any feelings towards anyone anymore.I am married for 4 yrs,have 2.5 yr old baby girl and working full time .
    Before my marriage i used to be a bubbly girl ,thats what my friends used to call me,mine was an arranged marriage,i could sense that my husband was reserved even before marriage but somehow things did not matter.Soon after marriage i realised that he was just opposite of me.All he required in his life was the dosas his mother makes for morning,lunch at hotel ,dosas again at night.He would get up late at 9 am,talk with his mother about his relatives ,his sisters ,then he would leave to office ,when he comes back in the evening he has dinner with his mother talks the same story abt his relatives and sisters ,then watch TV till he is tired would then go to sleep.Days and months passed by but he was the same.He was also not interested in sex,all the time it was me who initiated.He would say that he is tired asd sleep the next second.
    Initially i used to fight with him no use he simply does not care or understand.He was totally planless about our future.
    He does no help at home, I would d the cooking at morning and as soon as i come back from office would make dinner and be the last person to eat.I would do all the shopping for home ,all the time even on weekends my husband would either be sleeping or watching TV .His mom would literally feed him and would also ask me to do teh same.Even during dinner he would sit in the hall watching TV and i would have to serve dosas or chappati on his plate as he finishes one after another,because he does not like to stack and would only prefer eating hot.my MIl would also ask me to do more ,would not even care to ask if im ok ,tired back from office and so on............Even to have this baby i fought ,even went to the point of suicide because my in-laws started to see astrology and started to put pressure.even during my pregnancy he did not even care to even accompany me to the hospital,if he comes it would be because i created a big drama and cried.Once when i was 7months pregnant i went in the morning to give for the fasting sugar test,the test lasted for more than 2 hours because the new person in the lab was not efficient enough to get my veins to insert the needle.I had also not taken my mobile.Even after i came back after 2 hours my husband was still sleeping inspite of my MIL telling him to go and check about me.I joined office when my baby was 3 months completed due to the pressure of my MIL.my husband had no word against his mother.
    Things changed a bit after my daughter grew.He is good to my child but is the same towards me.As my child is growing i sensed my MIl was not good at talking care of my baby.talking over phone with relatives had more priority than looking after my child.She always had problems to sort for one or the other relative.She did and still does not understand my child's needs.whe she feels hungry she feed's my child.she does not keep my child neat and tidy.only when im at home my daughter has something to eat,once i leave home there is no one to take care of her,my MIL will not even try to feed my child,she will ask the child to eat ,naturally the child is playfull ,so my MIL says ive tried she doesnt eat and she will leave the baby to starve,all the time she is on phone chatting with her relatives and 2 daughters who also live in the same city.recently my child developed urinary infections to that level that infection had gone till the kidneys,the left kidney has more infections.my baby would make urine in the place where she is playing or standing,my MIL would cover it with the same dirty old cloth,she would not even take the baby and wash after she has urinated.all the time i go back home from office my baby would be either not dressed or very poorly dressed and my MIL would be watching serials or talking over phone.what ever i cooked for my baby would be in the dust bin.If i ask my MIL she would say that my baby doesnt eat,but if im feeding her she eats so well ,im so angry at my MIL for leaving my child starving.My baby always had cold ,diarrhea,skin infections what not.

    Recently my child developed urinary infections to that level that infection had gone till the kidneys,the left kidney has more infections.So i had left my baby at my mother's place in another city.Inspite of my parents talking care of my baby so well,giving nutritious food at the right time ,giving her proper bath,teaching her to use the bathroom........my husband tells bad about them when he does not admit his behaviour or his parents lazy behaviour towards the child.Till date my husband has not even feed a single spoon of food to my child,he does not even come to the doctor and if he comes it is due to the drama i create.During the last fight 4 days before he hit me. i totally stopped talking to him.I know it does not matter to him because he does not need me in anyway,his mother was there and is there for him.that is all he needs in life.I have no hunger,no interest in job,i am like a corpse ,i started to enjoy crying,enjoy the pain of hunger,when my stomach growls inside im am smiling,as a last try im posting here ,i just dont know what to do
     
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  2. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Maintaincool,

    That is what you need to do at the moment - maintain your cool. There seems to be some basic problem with your husband. Was he forced to get married against his will? Whatever it is, the way he is behaving towards you and his child is not justifiable by any means.

    Have you tried to talk to him reasonably? If not, you need to ask him the reason for his behaviour and tell him how you feel about this. It is too late now to think of this, but having a baby could have waited when you already had so many issues with him. It is very likely that he will turn around and tell you that you wanted the baby and so you should look after it all on your own.

    Whatever it is, if after talking to him you feel that there is no other way out of this situation and he is not going to be reasonable, you will need to discuss this matter with your parents and think of other options.
     
    3 people like this.
  3. eandian

    eandian IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Maintaincool,
    It does not matter whether he finds fault with your parents or not, try to leave your daughter with your parents as much as possible. Urinary infections are quite painful. He is never going to see the truth or even if he knows it, he is not going to accept it. You do what is best for the baby and leave it at it.

    My second option - day care centre will be better for your daughter. They will potty train, feed the lunch box that we pack, teach her some basic skills and also she will get to play with other kids and develop social skills.

    Feed her heavy meal before you leave for work and pack finger foods or snacks in small containers that your daughter can open and eat during the day. Keep it on her bed and go.

    Also fill a couple of sippys with clean water and leave them in a height where she can reach by herself and drink. Teach her to open, drink and close by herself. I suspect that she is not drinking enough water and it is making her prone to infections.
     
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  4. freddycat

    freddycat Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree with eandian. If possible, leave your kid with your parents and visit her as often as you can.
    Poor baby, suffered enough and need proper attention/care during the initial years of growth.

    You H seems to be very lazy person and has no interest in anything or your MIL raised him to suit her needs.
    What a cunning lady!

    I also recommend, save your income. Stop being a slave to your H and cut down your service to him. Leave the food at the table, let him self serve himself or let his mom takes care of him. As long as your MIL is around/stays with him, your H is not going to change or even listen to you.

    I know, most of us have the fond memories of our childhood and college days with friends. But, life changes and be ready to accept the change. But, it doesn't mean you have to stop perusing your interest/hobbies and your bubbly nature. Start to enjoy your time with co-workers, friends and neighbours. Give your H the same treatment, he gives you, and hopefully, he will see the change in you.

    Your girl needs you. Be a good role model to your daughter.
     
    3 people like this.
  5. MaintainCool

    MaintainCool Bronze IL'ite

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    thanks satchi and eandian.
    --he could have never been forced to marry me bcoz he did not get a proper alliance for a long time,my in-laws very desperate for a bride.I know the problem with him,he is a very lazy guy and is heartless.he never trusts anyone outside his mom and sis.

    My parents stay in another city,10 hrs travel from my place.Leaving my daughter at a creche is an option i tried.but she gets ill soon.Now that she has got urinary infection i cannot think of leaving her where they use diapers and expose to toilets where lots of kids use.
    There is no option of living seperately,soon after marriage i analysed that living alone with him would increase our understanding bcoz he would depend on me and consult me.But he was dead asainst that idea and even talked all ill about me trying to seperate and split his family.

    I will be better without him,but when i think my fate i crush to pieces.When i see my SIL's and the way their husbands care for them ,i regret selecting this guy.Our family outings are always with SIL's and their family.recently we went to a family function.from their house to back their house my SIL's nusbands were so caring ,they were carrying all the luggage ,helped feeding their kids,and i see myself .im carrying the luggage packing the luggage ,inspite of doing all the work myself my husband still giving me work.he would lie on the bed and ask me to switch on the light ,off in the hotel.
    Why the hell is all this happenning to me

    I cannot pull my parents in bcoz they are not well off,they have enough problems.
     
  6. daffodiill

    daffodiill Silver IL'ite

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    hello Maintaincool.. you just need to make him realise that you have had enough...tell him that he has to behave properly and dont take you for granted..let him do his job on his own tell him that you are also feeling tired..and about your MIL she is root cause for all this..she has made your husband lazy from first itself..you have live dear whatever happens life has to go on..so be practical and think..you avoid him make him feel that your are really not intrested in him..you have to do one by one as this takes time..dont regret for anything ..think about your little one and make yourself happy..the best way id dont talk with till he asks you the reason..even dont answer him..when he asks you dont cry and scold him but tell in some different ways..use polished words and say what you want from him.love cannot be forced..if he is not close to you just leave that ..his nature may be like that..but regarding the chores you do you have to deal with that..straving does'nt bring solution dear..
     
  7. eandian

    eandian IL Hall of Fame

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    Kids will get sick in day care. That is how they get introduced to new germs and develop immunity.
    She will be joining school in a few months. Schools will be more formal than day care. Kids who have been to day care will be able to adjust better and settle down faster. Tell this as an excuse to send her to daycare. Either they develop immunity in daycare or they will get sick during the first 6 months of school. You cannot prevent it no matter how hard you try. Everytime they get changed to a new school, first 6 months will involve frequent dr visits. It is common. Dont be afraid.

    In day care, you can either send with diaper or without one. But in school, children should be able to communicate that they want to go to the bathroom. Else they will feel embarrased if they have accidents every day and wet their dress in school.

    Every night, give your daughter a warm bath and clean her private areas well and this will help her sleep well and also her infection will subside.
     
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  8. MaintainCool

    MaintainCool Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you all for your replies.I feel much better.
    I will concentrate on my daughter henceforth.I will try to forget all that has happenned and think only about me and my kid.
    God Bless you all.Thanks once again
     
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  9. Bts

    Bts Junior IL'ite

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    Good suggestions
     
  10. eandian

    eandian IL Hall of Fame

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    Way to go dear.
     
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