I think my husband is not who I thought he was....

asuitablegirl · Feb 17, 2010

Thanks bharti and pmahensa. Read both your posts thoroughly. Thanks a lot. :thumbsup

teju · Feb 17, 2010

ok, for example: When your hubby get you a dress and you really dont like it. You say thank you and accept the dress with love and you keep it, but are not using it. One day he suddenly remembers and asks you about that dress. What will you say? If you say - I didnt like it so I am not wearing, all hell will break loose. Esp for people with short term anger problem. So you say - oh yes, the color faded after the first wash, but I do wear it sometimes, or the dress tore when I pulled it from the washing machine. Something like this......
another example: He calls you out and dont feel like stepping out (dont want to miss something on TV?) so instead of saying a blank NO, just say I have a very bad headache.....

you know, small bits here and there so that the anger does not come up. The more he stops getting angry with you, the better your life will be.

Similar situations can be adopted when you have to deal with your in laws too....

People with anger issues will never change unless they make an effort towards that....so dont know if you hubby is ready for making that effort. Until then, u make sure that the anger is not triggered by resorting to the method suggested above.

thats what I meant by white lies/drama, etc.

asuitablegirl · Feb 17, 2010

Teju... ok ok I see now! Thanks for giving some good examples.

But I think maybe I have made my dh look worse than he is. If I don't want to go somewhere and say 'no', he won't have a problem with it. If I don't like something he has given me, I could tell him that straight and he won't have a problem either. It's only certain things that make him angry.

The main triggers of his anger come from...
-the bad stuff his family does
-stress at work
-outside people acting badly (i.e. traffic)

Now when any of those 3 things happen, his anger blows up and I ask him to relax. Then he goes off on a tangent saying 'everyone is right except me'. And I explain to him that I never said that, but then he becomes sarcastic and beligerant.

Right now the biggest trigger seems to be stress at work. He's dealing with a boss who is doing some really unfair stuff and who appears to be targeting him. It's causing him a lot of stress and hence he gets very worked up at home thinking how to deal with it.

I think one of his biggest problems (and this is just my opinion), is that he has a big sense of entitlement. Like, office gossip happens everywhere, right? Well if anyone says anything about him, it's like the world should come to an end. He just can't handle criticism or anyone saying anything about him. I think it's because he's been brought up in a way where his parents told him he was a King and he deserved the BEST at all points in life. But I feel, reality is life isn't always fair... and sometimes we must learn to deal with uncomfortable situations. I think... the days of kings sitting in the thrown and beheading people are over, and my dh needs to learn how to keep cool and not get so ruffled by other people. It's really ridiculous. I know gossip hurts, but come on, he is nearly 36 years old now... he should know by now to just 'let it go' and move on. But instead his barbaric mother just keep screaming into the phone to 'thrash' everyone. :bonkSo obviously when I say to just 'ignore' the gossip, he thinks I'm overly docile and timid. But any sane person's advice would look docile next to his mothers... because all of her advice includes either quitting the job or beating co workers!! :spin

Actually today he is having a big talk with his boss about how she has been handling his performance reviews (i.e. she wrote some wrong numbers in the report and is refusing to correct them in his record), so I hope it goes well, else he'll probably be in a really bad mood when he gets home. The thing is, he asks for my suggestions, so I give, but if he doesn't like what I say, he starts blabbering that I'm against him too! Doesn't make any sense... why would I be against him??? Or better yet, why would I be FOR his boss? That's silly!

teju · Feb 17, 2010

ok good that you have identified the three main reasons why he get angry.

When he is looking for advise, I think its better to feed his ego a bit. Make your suggestions so that he is pampered a bit, and then later on when he is in a relaxed mood, casually feed him the idea that he could be wrong, and that he shouldnt bother so much or get so stressed as it not good for his health.
He will accept that he needs to be more equanimous, not everyone will do things the way he wants them to do.
And again, this is a long term process!

Spiderman1 · Feb 18, 2010

Alright ASG, its good that you have resolved the question about the cell phone. Glad to hear you are doing good with DH, and best wishes to both of you.

arthidiva · Feb 18, 2010

ASG, I just wanted to leave a note here.. now your current issue is resolved between the two of you.. be on the watch out always.

I would say you have a great attitude in life girl, especially how dedicated you are to your lover (now DH).. I like that I know such a sincere person like you..

You are what you are and your DH will love to live with you just for that.