I think I hate my mother

Hey sad wife
You have a perfect justifications for all Yale suggestions. First change the mental block you have it appears that the umpteen suggestions are just a waste of the peoples time. When you are just not in a position to change. Plzzzzzzzzzz remove the ill feeling associated with your mom ,change ur perspective.. Try seeing her in a new light dear!!...and let bygones be by gones...
She is old how long is her future .. She is alone there is a vast difference to having someone (kids) to losing your companion... Try to recognize that.
Forgive ,forget... Do your duties as a daughter and leave urn a blind eye and deaf hear for things you don't wish to hear!...

 

@naksh
Super duper like !!!... May be for a change it helps to see from a male perspective!!..

 

Hi sad wife
I don't know whether you read a post long time by an op called pretty woman she had some great problems with her mom .. Infact when I read it I,it appeared similar to my story. My mom was a working wOman. We siblings were taken care of by my aunt. My mom had the choice to be with us because of her flexible work but she choose her independence over us .her joy over our upbringing. Inshort it was as good as she beng insignificant in our life's.but that's cool I too had this of resentment over this fact just like u I hated the filmy mother stuff but overtime I got over it! I think I got more matured from a girls point of view to a woman...
Now my relations with her is not too great but I am there for her if at all she needs me so what if she wasn't avlb for me!.

 

Good job Ramya and Naksh!

Sadwife,

Really please change your perspective. Like everyone here has already said.

"A relationship is only as good as we make it to be"

What have you done to improve the situation other than get frustrated at your mom???? What if you behave like your mom when you get old (not because you want to, but hereditary?) How will you want your kid to treat you???

Also,
Are you an ideal daughter to expect an ideal mom? Are you showering her with gifts and showering love on her and spending that quality time with her?
Its alright if she didn't do it, but are you making an effort from your side?

I feel you are seeing her from a totally negative angle. Remove your colored glasses and you will see a totally different old lonely mom who needs love and care.

Please don't think other mom-daughter relationships are such and such. How do you know? Because of what you see in public or movies? Each relationship needs to be worked on.
See what she likes and do it for her.
Make her smile, make her happy.
You will not have regrets when you grow old.

 

Life is too short to keep grudges against somebody..and specially she is your mother..please don't hate your mother..Parents don't live forever..understand this.leave all bitter things in past..good that you told her what u don't like about her..But don' keep hateful feelings about her.you may regret sometime later in life!!

 

Poor mother to have given birth to a daughter like you. Pray once in nur lifetime u regret whatever u said her.

 

You cannot seem to respect and understand your mother but all that you are bothered about is the way she behves towards your husband? You can talk to her about the way she should talk to your hubby, can't you ?Tell me what is there to vent after having said all these possible rants about your mom?
And if you were not happy with your ILs then your were 'sad me" , not 'sadwife', right?
Sad about mom, sad about IL's, sad about life............

 

Hi Sadwife,

I understand how you feel about your mom having scolded you and not said anything to your cousins. I understand that, because my mom was the same. She would never support me in a fight with others. She was a very harsh disciplinarian. To the point that in my childhood I believed she did not love me and that she would have been happy if I was dead. I sometimes wondered if I was an adopted child.

All this changed when I was 16 and went through a crisis and was in hospital. That was the first time I saw her vulnerability where I was concerned and how worried and upset she was. This was the point of time when my relationship with her turned for the better. I cannot say that she changed completely. I still had my differences with her, but I could deal with them better because I knew she loved me and nothing else mattered.

Now my mom suffers from dementia and she sometimes does not remember she has two children or what the relationship between us is. However, she still keeps asking to talk to me every two to three days and even in this state she remembers that I have not been keeping well, she asks me to be careful, not to eat out, not to hurt myself anywhere, not to keep loafing around town etc. The love and care she feels for me as her child is there deeply ingrained in her psyche. I might get irritated sometimes when she treats me like a 5 year old with an IQ of an unborn child. But now I realize it is her protectiveness that makes her do so.

Why am I telling you all this? Only because from what you have written, I agree with you that she might be suffering from OCD. How old is she? Because the older she is, it is highly unlikely that she is going to be willing to accept her problem or to have it treated. You have to learn to let bygones be bygones as far as your past relationship with her is concerned. Although I can understand that as a child it would have hurt a lot, you are now an adult who can learn to see her failures as her weaknesses. Forgive her her weaknesses as she is human, so she cannot be imperfect. The fact that she wants you to eat well should tell you that she loves and cares for you. I know you are human and it is normal to get irritated when she keeps repeating certain actions. But try to learn to be patient with her. It may be hard, but we all need to try. Don't blame yourself for your impatience.

I am not sure you can say you hate her. It is just that you are upset with her over the past. Ask yourself how you would feel if you were to lose her, or if she were very unwell or if anyone was to say anything bad to you about her. That would tell you if you really hate her and I suspect you will realize you don't.

BTW, one of your posts said something about a baby shower. Are you expecting? Or is the baby here? Hearty congratulations to you and your DH.

As for your mom asking your DH to make sure the door is properly locked, it might just be due to her OCD.

So do try to let go and forgive her. Life is too short and it is not worth it to hold on to grouses especially with your parents. They cannot be replaced, no matter what.