I think I hate my mother

I think my mum is suffering from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) for years. After switching off the lights or fan, she would check few times by placing her finger on the switch and counting it few times to make sure it is really switched off. I will be seeing her doing this, after few minutes especially before we leave the house she would pretend like she never checked repeatedly on it and ask me to check whether the lights and fans are all switched off.

She does the same with the stove. After cooking, she would repeatedly count and check whether she had turned off the stove. Same applies with the locks. She would check plenty of times whether the locks are locked properly before going to bed.

Besides this, say when I'm having my meals, she would actually see what's in my plate but still ask whether I have taken this or that dish when she had actually seen that I have taken it. She has lots of negative feelings in her like thinking something bad may happen to me if I take a cab. Say if I or other loved ones are late to return home just by few minutes, she would get all tensed up and start calling us with a trembling voice saying she got so worried etc.

All her behaviors make me very angry. About 3 years back I told her she may have this OCD issue and the best thing we could see is consult a psychiatrist so that it doesn't get worst. She did admit that she keeps checking and counting many times and laughed it off. After that whenever I see her repeatedly counting on checking on something, I would raise my voice and ask her to stop it. So she started to do it when I'm not looking thinking I'm not aware of it but when I'm actually noticing her doing it.

I never talked about it to her anymore but she keeps doing this everyday and it gets me very angry and I get very stressed about it nearly everyday.

I have lots more to vent out but then this post will get too long.

Although overall she is a good mother, I have always loved my father a lot and have always felt his love and I know his love was unconditional. When on the other hand my mum had knowingly hurt me by siding my cousins few times even though they were the culprit during my childhood years. And right in front me she told my uncle she knew they were the culprits but she intentionally scolded or blamed me so that they don't cry. So how about my feelings?

I don't know but I think I hate my mother. I can't forgive her for all the things she did and still doing. In fact I even told her this once. She tried to defend herself. Among all the things she didn't, I can never forgive her for calling up my aunty and cousins to inform about one silly fight that my husband and I had when we first got married. We are married for 6 years now and that was the only fight we had infront her, from that day onwards I'm very careful that my hubby and I don't argue or put up a long face infront her.

Recently my husband had to go outstation for few weeks. So he had to take a document of his that we had kept at my mother's place. My mum has currently come to visit us, so she needs to give her house key to my hubby so that he can collect those documents. When he was about to leave she very rudely told my husband not to forget to lock the house door and gate properly after taking the documents. My husband was angry with her but he didn't say anything and just left. I was very angry and disappointed with her for talking in such a manner with my husband especially when he is going on a long and far trip. I'm still angry with her that I don't talk properly to her but I'm not sure whether or not she is aware about it. I'm just waiting for a right moment to burst it out to her but hubby says just let it go. I will not let it go when she dare to talk with less respect to my hubby.

I always tell myself that I will not be an insensitive mother like her. Sometimes i just feel like shouting out everything to her pointing out all the things that she did that hurt me so badly all these years and let her know she is the only person who makes my life miserable daily. I know this may hurt her and maybe not the right thing to do.

Please advice me what to do. Thank you.

 

Preethii thanks for the prompt reply.
She still keeps comparing me with those cousins.
Say if we need to attend any important weddings, she tells me to dress up well. Says my cousins would dress up well. She rather listen to others than me. Say for instance if I say this shop is better than the other shop, she would argue I'm wrong. But in the event the neighbor says the same shop that I mentioned is better than the other one, she will go around telling everyone the neighbor was right. Now I have stopped giving opinion or sharing anything that I know.

She is not a good cook. I don't say I'm a good cook either. But I ask recipes from good cook and check online.
When I'm cooking she would interfere saying I should do this etc. Spoils my mood to continue cooking. I dont cook when she is around. And whenever I cook something, she refuses to eat it giving excuses like she doesn't eat that dish anymore but I will see her eating the same dish after few days when we eat out or when she cooks it on her own. I think her ego is stopping her from tasting my food as she feels Im a better cook than her. Even my husband has noticed this. From what I know most mothers would prefer their daughters to cook and encourage them.

I said we want to have the baby shower function at home. She says it should be done at a hall as my neighbor held their daughter's function in a hall. Basically she expects us to do what others do. This really irritates me.

 

Dear kishoremommy,

My dad passed away few years back. He was a very loving father and husband. Both my parents were quite attached with each other. About my username, I selected this when I first joined this forum posting my problems with my in laws. They are not bad people but at times they say or do nasty things. I expected my hubby to stand for me but it's impossible as they will sugar coat their words to hint or hurt me so that if at all I confront them they can say I have misinterpreted them. And like most cases they treat me very nicely in front hubby and others, so people would not have bad impression about them.

But slowly I have learnt to ignore such petty issues as my hubby says no matter what I'm his priority but at the same time he has responsibilities towards his mother. He admits his mother and few others in his family are wrong but says there is no point arguing or fighting with them. Let him say or think whatever they want, it doesn't make any difference to us.

I know my mum loves me but I hope she loved me more. Anyway I can't bring myself to forgive her for all the pain she caused me.

 

Dear kadalpura,

Thanks for dropping in. I have always envied daughters who are so attached with their mum. Like they always hug each other when they meet after some time, go shopping together, share everything etc. In my case I dont trust my mother a bit and it's frustrating. I get no mental and emotional support from her. If at all I turn to her fir anything fir sure she would make things worser for me by being insensitive to my feelings or calling up others to tell them about it. She has embarrassed me few times in front others.

I want to forgive her but the next minute she will do something to anger or hurt me and all the past hurts would come rolling back. I'm glad to hear that you can accept your mum's imperfections now.

 

Dear Ramya,

It's not like she does it once in a blue moon. She does it everyday. Sometimes we may forget whether we had switched off the lights or locked the gate but its not possible we forget it every time we do it and need to recheck over and over again counting say like one to twenty times. Im scared to ask her to look after my kid once in a while as I'm worried this will affect the child. And she may also instill all the fears she has in my child. I have been trying to remind myself that it's not her fault for having this OCD thing but I'm angry as she refuse to seek help. Obviously she is not going to accept something is wrong with her. But how I wish she knew how much she has been affecting me mentally and emotionally. Sometimes I want to vent out everything to her but I have no guts to do so.