I never invite my inlaws to stay with me...

As I read the title , the first thing that came to my mind was , Poor Lady.. if she has to dread it maybe she is in deep trouble.. However, when I started reading Renu's post.. I realised she is conveying her desicion.. and has asked all of our opnions on wether we would invite our in laws or not... But the thread got deviated as it moved on. All of us here know that each relationship ( any relationship that is. ) has its own problems ! People come here with issues looking for help / advices sometimes and just suggestions in the form of what would you do kind. If we are able to give our two cents then we should.. but taking on personally and talking about the character / nature of the orignal poster is not right.. We rather should say, this is my opinion and these are my reason for the same and not.. God forbid , I dont want a DIL like you ! No.. refrain from personal attacks..Please !

 

Also, when we give our opnions/ help whatever sometimes the person in Q may or may not be able to adapt it.. But do we stop at that ? Sometimes the person doesnt get back at all on what she did finally about her problem.. Just as all of you, curiousity invades me ! But then, we think there should be something stopping the lady to get back or she must be fine by now and move on. We go to the next lady with sacks of help .. So how each one of us take our lives in hand or how we handle it is our own headche.. All of us have teeny-weeny issues for sure.. sometimes we let go or we face it. Thats life.

 

We all know there are many silent readers of this community who seek solution just by reading replies.. Targeting an individual personally could refrain many members to seek help at all if they wish to. I know none of us here want to scare away anyone.. it is just that we get agitated sometimes.. Oh that is alright.. But what we do or write when we are agitated is really important ! I dont say " Chill ! " But I do want to say, " Ladies, go slow with sentences " !
Let us just talk on the topic and not on any person.. We never know which friend we would miss out if we got personal about another friend !
Cmon , after all it is just a discussion and keep it going that way. Please ladies.

P.S - For all those who are wondering why 3 posts.. the connection has some problem posting at one shot.. hence this instalments !!

 

That was my two cents on the entire thread ( I have ajob to do, people ! ) .. Now my opinion on Renu's post..
Renu, I havent faced a situation as such where I need to take a call on such things.. I have a space between me and any relationship so.. that is helping me till now..bonk It is upto us when we make a decison about our lives isnt ? So , move on with what best suits you.. and handle it well.
Sayanka , your post was a Reality Check ! I had to admit.

 

My Dear Renu,

We are women and all of us regardless of how saintly we assume we are get frustrated in realtionships especially with Mums-in-Law. We are young and these ladies are elderly. They have no direct and singular hold of their relationships. In the sense their children are all married off and have their priorities and according to their thinking have slowly moved away from them. In some way or the other the MILs hold the daughter-in-laws responsible for this distance. Then they try subconciously to get even. They try to compare in between the children.....give funny comments etc. Ive gone through this too and I feel bad for you because it is really irritating. But there is a simpler and much more effective tool you can use here so that neither ur parents-in law nor u nor ur husband are badly effected. Ignore their remarks. Just do your bit. And the biggest of all KEEP QUIET. Whenever she praises others.... u too join in and praise them. If she feels baby eats more from her hand ...fine OK tell her thats her priviledge and that she can feed baby all the times. Dont do or say anything in Anger or irritation. Say it matter of factly. This is very difficult at times but soon she will notice no effect on you and she will quit and of course you will also be happy. May God bless you my dear. Dont give in to anger. Keep quiet.

WOMANHOOD IS POWER.

Take care
Lots of Love
Bonnie

 

I read the post and all the replies. I can see the point Renu and the others who agree with her are making. But I disagree with their perspective for the following reasons"

1. When we limit the visit of parents/in laws we limit the relationship our kids have with their grand parents. I feel that is unfair - so we must first do every thing within our power to improve relationship with IL.

2. I strongly believe that kids growing up in a house where the grand parents are constantly avoided are sent the message that when they are older and leading a life of their own, they don't have to maintain strong bond with parents.

3. In every body's life there comes a time when help from family is the only recourse to solve a problem. If we cut off our family, then we are cutting off the blood supply to our heart.

I think the decision to not invite parents/in-laws to your home should happen only if you want to break all relationship with them. Which means you should not remember them or miss them or want to share your happiness or sorrows with them.

 

Dear Renu
it was interesting to see the replis to your post.these are my thoughts.i am not married so i dont have any experience of mil.but i have seen what happens with my sister in law and my mother.my mother is so attached to my brother.i sometimes say that my mother is like a mil to me.but i know she loves me very much.i have never heard my (in the past 14 yrs) sister inlaw invite my mother to her home .i know the reason for it too my mother is very frank she always gives her opinion on anything ,she will ask the value of any thing she sees in their home and think money is being wasted by her dil.so me and my brother tells each other if my sister her a problem with her and i tell him if amma needs him to talk to her etc. even though my sisterlaw rarely ask my mother to visit i know she love her dearly because i have seen her concern when my mother is not well etc.but she didnot want her to come to her house to look after the children and husband when she was visiting her brother in us .i agree with you that its all heartburns when people dont adjust to each other. we forget mother and mother in law are all what we are and what we are going to be.its more of individual differences that we cannot tolerate.
people are like that when you get them to your family we have to accept them as a whole .goodside and bad side.there may be many things as daughters and daughter inlaws that our mothers dont like in us.they are aged its difficult to change them ,lets change for them.
i always feel if our own mother stayed with us after we are married after sometime we will treat them like mother in laws.its only the intrustion of another personality into your house /the nuclear family that we resist.
i would suggest all the daughter inlaws to send flowers to their motherinlaws on mothers day.and for those abroad to call wish them.please try it becos life is too short.and mothers are mothers we should be daughters with out the tag "in law"

 

Hi Nandi, Your reply is very kind and it is nice to see you have such a balanced view of your sil, even though she does not invite your mom to stay with her.

The only problem is, we can treat mil as "mom" but will the mil in turn treat us as "daughter"? I think most of the time that is a "no." I for example tried and tried and tried, but all I got back was abuse and humiliation. There came a point when I realized nobody on earth treated me worse than my inlaws. Sometimes in life we have to chose whether to kill or be killed. Not literally I mean! Just that eventually a situation can get so bad where you have to take a stand and get tough, either that or continue to be abused.

Maybe by staying seperately many ladies can avoid having to take a stand and worsen relations. If mil and dil's keep their distance, at least things can stay civil and relationships can be maintained.

Also, I feel a big problem here is the Indian definition of "coming to stay." I think no dil would mind a one or two day visit, or if coming from a long distance, a week. I think most problems come up because inlaws stay lasts for months at a time!

Anyways, I think your reply brought up a lot of nice points to think about. Especially the request to remember mil's on mother's day... definitely you will be a very sweet dil someday. :thumbsup

 

Dear Dr Preethi,
Your each and every word is absolutely correct. I am glad to see you putting ur good foot hereBow...
Not to mention that I too was in the same situation a week ago which refrained me to come back here. If u can notice in my last post, i conveyed the same request.. We never know how sensitive a person could be in deep heart. So without knowing the person's real problems, we cannot go directly on to the character and point out unless we all live together in a same roof..This sort of strong words are only be given by the people whom we have been close to. ex; our family, siblings. And sometimes our closest of the closest friends also hesitate to put in his/her words this strong enough... As u said, this is a discussion forum and the posters should keep in mind that whatever agitated mood they were in, it gets reflected and seen in their post "permanantly". I wish this website had a technology which does'nt accept 'some words(harsh words)' when writing.

I am sure, as a moderator's word, this will definitely reach to those people who go into / attack person's character rather than giving their suggestions in a softer tone without hurting the poor poster who came here to seek help with hopes.

Thank u DrPreethi for being kind to others..

 

Anytime , Venus.. Trust me every member here are kind enough for a whole life.. But it is just that sometimes they get agitated and take liberty.. Now, I could also see it as a family.. We do take liberty on each other at home isnt ? But then, sometimes, the person in trouble may dread because the same liberty is taken at home too !! We do not want that poor lady to feel lonely .. Atleast she can get her heart lighter to all of us !! Just a re-assurance that we all are here for the person in trouble..
Please do not refrain from posting.. and continue the way you used to.. Who knows another member in the same shoe as yours can be benefitted from the responses you get !! So, that was a request..
IL is lovely and so are members like you !!