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I Know I Am Wrong But I Don’t Know How Much Can I Handle

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by avantikaarora, Sep 18, 2022.

  1. avantikaarora

    avantikaarora New IL'ite

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    Hello ladies,

    here is the snapshot, my mother got diagnosed with blood cancer and we got them to North America. My bro took care of my mom for nine months while I helped when I could. Now my brother wants me to take care of my mom, however I have a young kid, am dealing with a major health issue myself and have construction going on in my house. I told my bro that I can’t right now and that made my brother mad. He recounted how much he has helped me in my life and how karma will punish me for not being there for my mom. I told her I have too much happening and I won’t be able to give the time and dedication that my mom needs. His kids are settled and financially also he is very stable, whereas I am struggling right now.as I said no to taking care of my mom , he has been going around telling relatives how I am not being a good daughter and cursing me. Just to give an example, my father is in hospital and my son has fever, now who do I tend to? My hubby is working two jobs and supervising the construction so he is exhausted. I work too. If my mom comes and stay in my home , due to construction, I can’t cook proper meal for her and there is dust everywhere, which nobody is taking into account. What would you do?
     
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  2. Janakinarne

    Janakinarne Gold IL'ite

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    Just sit peacefully and think ,is your husband supports you if u bring your mom to here,he is k with it..if he is against for it just leave the idea..if he is neutral about it then you can take a chance,just hire a maid to help and ofcourse this is the time she needs all of your support,she wants to fight with cancer for that she needs all of the family members support and she should not feel it's a sin to her..
    Ofcourse with a small child at home it wil b bit difficult to manage things but playing with kids wil help her to forget her pains..
    First of all she is your mother and now she needs positive vibes from all of you,don't fight between you people and if she knows all these she feels very bad..
    Ofcourse staying in construction house wil b difficult,but same way it's not gud to your kid als but you are managing it right same way allot her a room and try to take responsibility..
    For every one financial issues wil b dre but once you settled well at that time your mom may not need your help or support..
    Don't think what your bro saying and spreading the news just think wat you can do and where you are,
    If you need financial support just ask your bro before you bring her ,if he s ready it wil b gud..
    Think twice don't take much into mind and decide..you are als a mom and every parent need there children when they are in odd days .
     
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  3. lakshmi888

    lakshmi888 Silver IL'ite

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    Sorry to say this but Your brother is right .. I am a daughter and have tonnes of responsibilities as a single woman living in the west alone including managing extremely hectic job with long drive if 2 hours from each side and managing every single issue in my house including major renovations n repair n maintenance but I still took care of my mom when she was ill n with me ..n I have health issues too.. there were days that my life was so hectic that I could have time to eat only 1 meal in a day of 24 hours n sleep for just 4 hours !!!

    my other sister did the same with an ailing kid n her own health issues n with ailing kid that required lots of therapy n a very very hectic job life for her n her husband ..

    OP, it is hey selfish as an adult to say that just because your husband n you have hectic life n your life is hectic, it’s just your brothers job to take care of ailing parent… you need to do major self introspection !!!
     
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2022
    drdiva and shyamala1234 like this.
  4. avantikaarora

    avantikaarora New IL'ite

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    my mom is not able to move around on her own. She needs someone 24/7. I can’t afford a maid as that is 3000 dollars per month, which I don’t have
     
  5. avantikaarora

    avantikaarora New IL'ite

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    I would take care of her but right now with construction, my mom would have to be assigned to single room with no access to any walking area. If there was no option then yes I would gladly take care of her. At my brother’s place, she will have clean air, on time food, walk and exercise. Once the renovation are done, I can bring her here. She has blood cancer, one infection and she is done. I can’t keep my place clean when the renovation are going on right in our living room and sleeping areas, how do I ensure her well being. We don’t have proper kitchen.
     
  6. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I would carefully evaluate my choices and process any future guilt I might feel later in life. Then, I would say "Sorry I cannot host mom right now" to my parents and siblings.
     
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  7. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Your brother is resentful because he takes care of your mom physically and financially while you have excuses to offer. Right now, from where he is at, he’s doing everything at a 100%. Your mom is well taken care of and neither are you pitching in physically nor financially. What do you expect your brother to feel?
    If you can’t help physically or financially then there is no suggested fix here. Accept that this is how it will be with your brother from now on and move on with your life.
     
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  8. RamyaST

    RamyaST Silver IL'ite

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    Op, Taking care of cancer patient is really tedious work, it drains energy from you. May be your brother and his wife needs some break too. Having said that its your responsibility too to take care of her. Fortunately you are working so you can spend some money in hiring maid or cook so that will lessen your burden. How long the construction work goes on. Instead of saying you cant look after mom right now tell your brother that you can do it as soon as the construction work is done. What does your mom say and feel right now.
     
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  9. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, how far apart are you two living? Can you go over spend time regularly, giving your brother and his family some respite? Or can you offer financial support for a helper to come and do some of the house hold chores for a few hours every week so it frees up more time for your brother?

    When will your construction be over, can it be expedited?
    Maybe offering a reasonable timeline instead of a vague future date would assuage your brother.

    It is very emotionally draining to take care of unwell parent, and it is natural for your brother to feel you are not contributing. Just because he is in a better place, you cant assume he should shoulder all the responsibility.

    If you are already doing your best and are overwhelmed right now, and cannot take up more, so be it. Sometimes we just have to accept the situation as is.
     
  10. AppuMom

    AppuMom Gold IL'ite

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    OP your mom is having a critical illness and your brother taking care of for 9 months is a big thing.I was there for my mom for 6 months when she was undergoing cancer treatment and I can say it's not easy for patients and for bystanders too.its the most difficult time in his/her life if one goes thr chemo/radiation therapy.Construction/baby care etc not even as hard cancer treatment.I had seen a daughter carrying a new born baby and another kid to oncology dept and waiting for her mom to finish chemo.Had seen one young girl looking so week who lost all hair and eyebrows struggling to walk was waiting alone for her turn. Only nurse was helping her as she came alone.How terrible is this situation. Think calmly,wisely and you will find a way.Please own your mom and don't take any decision which you will regret later.
     

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