I have become cynical about men now

FragnantJasmine · Aug 14, 2008

Hi all Ladies,

Thanks a lot to replying to my earlier post and giving me strength and support.I am less tensed and paranoid now compared to what I was 2 days ago.I have told bala that I have had enough of him.There is loads of work coming my way and I pray and hope that I will be able to concentrate and move ahead.

I was going through some of the other posts in married life section.There were so many problems married women have to face.I had a totally different view about marriage.I always thought its the in laws who need to be taken care of and all husbands will all be good towards their wives.But after reading through many of the post here,I felt my fairy tale has just ended.I just remember ,when my parents started looking for alliances for me ,how I used to dream of a loving husband,who will take good care of me ,who will love me a lot,help me without even me having to ask for it,pamper me like a child and yet correct me when I am wrong ,understand and respect my parents,would not mind If I wanted to work or want to have my parents stay with me and never hurt me.I felt its only people who have done love marrige get all these,from experiences of my realtives and friends.

Bala fit in to all these except the last wish "never hurt me".Was I dreaming of too much is the question that arises in me when I read the posts here.
He never minded spending on me,I was stingy though,I scolded him when he wanted to have more of unhealthy stuff n all and he stopped having all those for me.

The only problem with him,his anger,his untrustworthy behaviour.........if he was void of these ,he would have been the best man in the world.

I just feel I will never get a man like him in all other aspects.He has never made any sexual remarks at me,he has never commented tht i was not looking good even if i wore the shabbiest of dresses or had frigtening hairstyles.I always felt he looked beyong physical beauty,I was and am damn sure there was ,and there is no woman in his life except me .He has taken so god care of me when I was unwell and that is why my parents also started to love him like their own son.Was at my service even for the silliest of the needs I placed.Got evrtyhing I wished for.Slowly I had started to love him so much.

But when he is angry,he is a beast.His mind does not work then.Why does he become angry, becoz i start scolding him ,why do i scold ??,becoz he hides truth from me and palces excuses and starts lying to me when I am close to finding those.And ofcourse such incidents became often.

He called my parents today ,he promised my parents he will never call me or visit me here after,and to ask me not to leave him as he cannot live without me.
He called me up to say not to leave him and go,"after marraige things will change .I will fulfill my responsibilties ,I will never hit you for anything.you will be my wife then..even if u scold i will not overreact".Words which are too good to hear but difficult to beleive once again.But sincerely I was feeling for him.......I dont know y I easily fall prey to emotions.

And the posts in married life section makes me even more scary ,are there any good men left or all men are like these.Will I be lucky to get a good person as my husband, is it good to remain unmarried for the rest of my life or should I reconsider bala hoping that he will change.

These are thoughts goin in my mind......I have become extremely cynical about men now.

bye
Jasmine

oaktree · Aug 14, 2008

Dear girl,
You got so many good advices here.
A man who lies and hits you is NOT a good person, talk about being a good husband later !!!
Why do you think you will never find anyone better than him ever? It is your own insecurities which are making you continue with this destructive relationship.
Believe me it won't become better just because he says it will become better... You are ignoring so many warning signs.
Why are you getting so afraid that he will kill himself? He won't , he seems to be too smart to do that. Don't make a big decision in your life about marraige just because the boy is threatening to die.
He talks sweetly and you get emotional and start justifiying his wrong actions to yourself . seriously, I think this is what you are doing here ...
My whole and sole advice is to break up with him immediately. I would definetly not like to see your other posts in forum saying that you got married to this guy and now he has become a bigger bully then before and you are in bigger troubles Drowning
There are many good guys , you will definetly find someone for sure. Being single is a better option anyday than being married to a liar, manipulator, abuser and a cheat.
And no please do not marry a wrong guy because your papa is suggesting the same. No matter what your papa is saying now , I am sure he would not want to see his daughter getting beaten up or getting cheated after marriage.

Run away from this guy .

Regards.

roopadadia · Aug 14, 2008

God is giving you so many warnings...pay heed to them.

As oaktree mentioned that we don't want to see you in this forum with bigger problems in case you want to still hang around with this guy.

For a few days keep away...concentrate on your work. And give yourself sometime. If you are a good and positive personality...then why would god not look at you...he will definitely give you a better partner. Have faith in him and yourself.

God bless.

Saahithya · Aug 14, 2008

Jasmine

for a girl her emotions are the her worst enemy...this is what I beleive...the more emotional you are..the more you would get into problems..some times into the ones which you can never really turn into good...so STOP comparing him to ideal husband or for everything stop relating to him...

Have a hold on your emotions and think practically....If this is how he behaves before marriage...what might be the situation afterwards???...everytime he hits you he will come back and make a big drama beg plead and again blackmail you not to leave him or for something else...how can you handle it..I think he has big time insecurities or inferiority complex...if a MAN cannot CONTROL his anger or cannot handle a bad situation....what is he for? he is supposed to be a pillar of support..(thats the only thing women need) and when you already got the signs of his weakness its good to accept that you made a wrong choice and move on...

Dont try to generalize all men into one single group ...as there are better men out there who handle problems with more maturity..no two people are the same....

So think of your current state and try to avoid him as much as possible for your own good.

mahika · Aug 14, 2008

Hi
I have been reading your post ,I think you are getting carried away by emotions .Your parents reaction is strange but they are under social pressure of every one in the society knowing your relation and the second pressure is the desperation all the parents have ,to get their daughters married and due to which sometimes they try to over look lots of faults ,thinking we can never find a perfect guy .
You know what! my sister was in same kind of relation like yours ,they were also engaged for 2 years they would break up and patch up ,break up and patch up .She finally married that guy and believe me lived in ahell "HELL".That guy was loving and caring too but he was selfish ,when it came to his things he would throw all tantrums ,even his parents and relatives were scared of him .My sister had a daughter who was also always scared of her father as she saw him hitting her many times .After 6 years of torture (not at all from inlaws )she finally got the courage to move out just because of her daughter .She is so much happy now and hates that guy like any thing .
When i was reading your story i coud imagine only my sister there this guy is just like that guy, who loves but only him self .
Please please walk out of this relation ,Please(i am telling you with my joined hands).I have seen this and i can take gurantee that you will be much happier than before .It will take atleast an year to recover from this break up. but for your future walk out of this relation .you will go through a phase of pain and guilt and mixed emotions but you have to be strong .Believe me just 1 YEAR.
Now regarding your saying that people face so much after their marriage (reading the post here on IL).see only women who suffer write here to get help and support .There are so many women whose married life is not that bad .Not all women have same problems in their life .If you see the statistics out of so many members in Indusladies we get just one post every day of women suffering from their married life or inlaws which it self indicates that very less percentage of us are suffering ,most of them are happy .What you are doing is like visiting a hospital and since you see so many patients there you conclude that the whole world is full of sick people so whats wrong if i also contact a virus atleast this virus is better than the virus "lady x"has or the virus "lady y "has .
I wish i could talk to you and take you out of this .

happywoman · Aug 14, 2008

Hi Jasmine,

I read your post throroughly and this is what i feel...

Its upto you how you look at the glass...half full or half empty.You are an adult and understand whats good and whats bad for you.If caring for you,taking care of your needs depending on his 'mood' is the definition you give for a nice person, then i must say, you are wrong. Life is much more beyond a fairy tale and all men are not out of Mills & Boon books.Infact, nobody is perfect in this imperfect world.

If you are getting cynical abt men, its justified because you have gone through so much till date. Again, your heart knows that its not true.If you feel there are only bed men in the whole world, then you are wrong.There are two sides to every coin. This time you were unlucky but not everytime.

You get life only once and its upto us....SOLELY on us....not any siblings,neither parents nor friends.....to make it beautiful.This is the investment you make for a better and secured future.

You cannot wait for good moments in life depending on his good mood.Everyone,ofcourse, want only good things in life,right.Unfortunately, this guy's bad qualities have come up before marriage. Consider yourself lucky and get out of this.Hes just taking you for a ride bcos of your weak heart.Stand up now and make yourself strong to face the obstacles.

I read in your post that in your whole family you are the only one who have graduated in engg and working.Then being educated why cant you judge a person with cool mind.

We all wish for a good n secured future for you. I personally wish you to come back and post a happy note here in IL later on after changing your perception of life.

All the best,
vani

lepriya · Aug 15, 2008

Dear jasmine

i read your post and i pray god to take to out of this situvation as early as possible

This is my first post in this forum because i think i am at an young stage (25 yrs ) to give advise but after reading your post i couldnt stop replying

you are in the dilemma whether he is a good person or not ? , He is NOT a good person , if he is loving you truly he would not have abused you in front of others

i have seen many persons running behind their girl friend like slaves and do what all they wanted just to attract them or make them love these all will not last longer after marriage

And your guy i dnt believe he will change or become a Good person or he will be caring and loving person after marriage

everyone has given you good advise please think it over , Dnt fall as a prey to this man's words

regards
priya

indusladiesuser · Aug 15, 2008

Hi Jasmine,

I have been married for 9 mnths....and sharing my set of prbs ...but thankfully thngs are looking better......so I cannot offer you a very mature advice but I do have smthg to say.

I married a guy who as per everyone was very sweet ,polite always nice to everyone esp me never will he hurt anyone.Inspite all this ...after 9 mths ...I have cried and been hurt more than ever and the same person gets soo very angry that we both think we need sm help to control anger.
So, if a person like that can change after marriage , then can everyone.

Men have this tendency of pampering gals before marriage or before they start gng out ...but once they knw that the gal is their....they just stop doing anything.Its their nature...and nthg can chg. Usually they try to be at their best before marriage but after that they are who they really are....it goes for us as well.....rite ?And it is impossible to change them totally.
If he hits/disrespects you now ....then dnt think this will get any better after marriage ...rather worse.If you think he is really the one ...then why doesnt he chg now....marriage is not gng to do any miracle.

Now regarding your imagination abt marriage love n all......dear...I was like you .....dreaming abt the perfect man .....and love and no tears......but sadly this life only exists in movies ( now not even in movies though eg pyaar ke side effects) :-D. I kept on running after love and that perfect life ......but wht I got was only tears .....I had more than one unsuccessful relationships because i was searching was this kind of thing.....The truth is ...there is never a perfect life or a person .....you have to make the life perfect or the person perfect.

Now I am married , its love marriage .....things are not perfect ....but the best part is ......no matter wht he is there for me ..alwaz ....we fight ...but after each we love each other more and try to make things better.

No matter how thorough you are with your choice , still u will have sm problems and you and ur husband will have to work out.Any two ppl when start living together will face sm prbs.....its just how both of you deal with it.

Face the reality dear ...life is no DDLJ.....but yes ...u can try to make it like that

All the best !!
tc

nadhi1 · Aug 19, 2008

Hi Jasmine,

Having read your story, seriously, this man appears to have mental health issues. It's very likely that what he requires is a psychiatrist...not a wife. This sort doesn't commit suicide...rather, they use threats of suicide to emotionally manipulate others (eventually driving you to emotional extremes!). Please beware and be wise. Dump him now and reclaim sanity.
Whilst there is no such thing as a perfect male (or for that matter a perfect female), in due time, you will find your mate- Godwilling a sane, mature person. Too many women fall for this kind of madness and live their entire married life in hell, subjecting innocent children that come out of such marriages to madness as well. Please, avoid this.
Nadhi

orion80 · Aug 20, 2008

Dear Jasmine,

You have mentioned in your post that Mahesh has every quality of a perfect husband other than his anger and untrustworthy behavior. How can a person who cannot control his anger on trivial issues and whom you cannot trust make a good husband?

After marriage, you will have to face much serious issues. One question you need to ask yourself is, "How will he react to such situations?". Your answer to that question will help you make a good decision.