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I am pregnant, but cant stop worrying about in-laws...please advice.

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by manjushail, Jul 16, 2011.

  1. Jul 16, 2011 #1
    manjushail

    manjushail New IL'ite

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    Hello friends,

    I am 6 months pregnant now and writing this post as I think discussing with you will help me get over my problem.

    I have been married for 5 years and before marriage my husband was working in Bangalore and his sister was in a city in Maharashtra. I agreed to this proposal as I was happy that I can lead my own life as relatives stay away (I was from the beginning scared of dominating in laws and I dont like interference) So, after marriage we moved to Bangalore and once his sister visited us for one week and we visted her for 2 days and we might meet at other relatives place, but during this visit we never got along well with each other. She tried to dominate me and tried to intrude in my life and taunt me in front of everyone. I am well educated, have a good job and quite modern in thinking and lifestyle. She is 7 years older to me, but thinks as if she is my age and tries to show she is better than me. I always found it difficult to answer back and whenever I used to meet her, my husband and I used to argue over what she said for months!!!

    Then after few years, we decided to move to Pune as we both love this place and we bought a flat in Pune. Now his sister is also planning to move to Pune and is considering buying a flat near ours!!! This has been my source of constant worry. I keep thinking about this all day as to how I am going to deal with this. In my society, I have my own friend circle and I can be myself withough fear, but if she buys nearby, I fear that she might visit my society and try to intrude into my friend circle and use the amenities on a daily basis as if its hers...(we have swimming pool, clubhouse, garden, so she is attracted by this). On top of that I cant tolerate her taunts......She will behave as if this flat and society belongs to her and then I cant be myself when she is there even in my own flat or society or in front of neighhbours......I feal that she might even talk against me to my neighbours, which will affect my goodwill too (She talked ill about me to our relatives before) !!

    I feel she should understand not to intrude into other's flat or society as its meant only for residents of society where relatives or friends can visit once in a while but not regularly (please let me know if your society has any rules set for use of amenities for relatives or friends). I feel daily intrusion of others is too much. I told my husband to request her to buy flat in other area, not close to us so that we both can live peacefully, he agreed, but he could not tell her this so far....I am really worried now as previously I had problems even if she visited us once a year and now if she lives nearby, how would I cope with it. I feel like running away.

    Is expecting from her not to visit our flat or society regularly and not to interfere in our life too much?? I expect we should not visit each other's place until she invites me or I invite her or we discuss over phone aobut one's visit as we might have other plans too...but also ensure that we are there for each other when we are in need (if she doesnt help me also thats fine, but I will never stop my husband from helping her).....My husband feels I should adjust, but I really dont like interference and I want my own space and that I have right to live the way I want to in my flat and society. Please advise on my situation.
     
    manjushail, Jul 16, 2011
    manjushail, Jul 16, 2011
    #1
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  2. Jul 16, 2011 #2
    tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,
    Ask your dh to tell her that yours is not a very good area.... Don't stress too much over this.... Think of your baby...
     
    tulipzz, Jul 16, 2011
    tulipzz, Jul 16, 2011
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  3. Jul 16, 2011 #3
    yams

    yams Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear sister!

    i can understand your mind set which actually shows the problem is with you!
    please don't get angry on me for saying this :hide: since your write up shows your feeling clearly!

    i definitely won't say you are bad! but all that you have is the modern thoughts expecting only as your family your husband and your child! all that in your mind is just yours! yours! yours!

    when it comes to your husband family and his sister why can't them as yours??
    i think you must be a only daughter(if not forgive me) so that you always need space! you would have come across many threads here who have more serious problems than you before that this is just a problem of small problem which you thing as big and make suffer yourself!

    i accept that she may be bad in her behavior telling wrong about you to your friends family members all! but why do you bother about it?? true relations won't believe in that and those which believes will not be true one so you don't have to bother about them even if they ask anything you can go just with a smile saying do you all really believe such things!

    and coming to the flat matter let her buy flats in your area it is not that if she comes to pune she will surely disturb you! this disturbance would be caused wherever you are and you are supposed to tolerate it since you married her brother!
    small adjusts won't give up a loss to us!

    also always talking and fighting with your husband about his sister may even cause him to get irritated that sows a bad opinion on you for him! so better stay calm your husband has accepted to talk to her right? let him speak if not leave it as such and run your life accordingly!

    if she uses up your things (swimming pool and so and so ) what you said let her use it! it is not a loss for you if she tries to interfere in a personal matter between you and your husband and that is the situation you have to react and act accordingly! just think a while won't you share these things with your own sis?? and still you will say i need space?? relations are so precious in life and once broken cannot be rebuilt dear!
    i am so young to you don't know whether i have the right to say this! but saying it just feeling that you will take it as a suggestion from a sweet sister!

    Even such adjustments will build a strong love for your husband towards you!
    Have a lovable and sweet life!
    my hearty wishes!:thumbsup
     
    yams, Jul 16, 2011
    yams, Jul 16, 2011
    #3
    sindmani, spuppala and manjubashini like this.
  4. Jul 16, 2011 #4
    yams

    yams Platinum IL'ite

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    Don't worry about anything since you are pregnant! calm yourself since this is the time to be happy which is really needed for the child growth! if still you feel upset then just go and stay with your family till delivery or some nice vacation with your husband which really gives a peace of mind!

    prayers and wishes for you to give birth to a wonderful child!:)
     
    yams, Jul 16, 2011
    yams, Jul 16, 2011
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  5. Jul 17, 2011 #5
    sheztheone

    sheztheone Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, it is not wrong to want one's space and privacy but unfortunately among relatives it becomes a problem. The issue here seems to stem from your fundamental desire for privacy and not wanting relatives' interference (even before your wedding). Does your DH understand this? There is nothing wrong or right about this as long as you are ready to help SIL when she is in need of help. My DH is also like this, though he is not an only child. ;-)
    If your husband understands and acknowledges this he should decide whether he wants to respect your wishes (by asking SIL to call before coming, suggesting some other area etc.) or let you and SIL deal with each other.

    However neither you nor H can actually stop SIL from buying a flat wherever she wants. If she does buy it near your place and invades your privacy as mentioned you have no choice but to request her to call before coming and stuff like that. If the society does not permit non-residents to use the amenities your H can mention the same to her beforehand. Whatever it is, let your H do most of the talking here.

    For now do not worry about something that may never happen. Just focus on your pregnancy and delivery. If your SIL does move in close to you, you might actually be able to use her help after the baby, you never know. For example, you can ask her to take care of the baby for a while while you do housework, run errands etc. It is amazing how the importance of family is understood after a baby. Instead of letting her just use your facilities and come whenever she wants, try and channelize it so that both of you can help each other like I mentioned above.
    Do not worry-it will all turn out fine!
     
    sheztheone, Jul 17, 2011
    sheztheone, Jul 17, 2011
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  6. Jul 17, 2011 #6
    manjushail

    manjushail New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Thanks for the reply. I hope it turns out for the better and we try to understand each other in a better way. I could not write the entire thing as to what exactly happened when she visited us. And after 5 years, I know her behaviour and intentions, whenver we meet she never misses a chance to insult me or taunt me. This is creating a negative impact and I feel I am good for nothing. Just because I am married to her brother does not mean I have listen whatever she says, even if its bad, but I could never answer her back as I feel she is elder and I just keep everything in my heart and later on think about it.

    When I visit her, I behave in a way that she likes and appreciates it, even when they were in trouble, I helped, but I always respect their opinions and never forget that I am a guest at their place, but when they visit they dont do that. Also, I have 2 sisters and one brother; one sister lives in the same city, but she will never visit me to talk harshly, she will visit me because she really wants to meet me, but I didnt see that feeling of my DH's sister towards my DH.

    As rightly said, my DH is the best person to deal with it (but he just smiles in front of his family and never puts his opinions) But still, I am hoping for the best. When we know that we dont get along well with each other, then I feel keeping respectable distance is the best way. I will write again as to how it went, wish me luck...I dont want relations to break neither I want anyone to insult me and intrude into my life regularly.
     
    manjushail, Jul 17, 2011
    manjushail, Jul 17, 2011
    #6
  7. Jul 17, 2011 #7
    monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    You are right. May be you can tell her that you are planning to move to a different place soon. Good Luck!
     
    monita, Jul 17, 2011
    monita, Jul 17, 2011
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  8. Jul 18, 2011 #8
    mixedfamily

    mixedfamily New IL'ite

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    Hi ,

    I can understand you because as somebody above has written modern societies think differently...I'm European and here in Europe we 're brought up in a way of having your own small family and space and we're not used to interfere in others lives.I don't know if it's an advantage or not,but that's life the way of life here.I found out that India people spend a lot of time together,and I'm not talking about spending time with your hubby and kids but also with other,sometimes even far relatives.It's nice when all of you like each other but simply in your situation there's no love lost between you and your sister-in-law.I don't think you're possessive I'd rather say that you're worried because of her behavior which drives you nuts ;)

    honestly,I think you should talk to her,I don't know how does it work in indian society if you can discuss this issue with her and establish some boundaries. it will be the best ,i guess that if you talk to her face to face maybe she will understand that you aren't keen on living next to her,of course you shouldn't hurt her while saying this but maybe arrange a meeting out with her,go out for dinner or a cup of coffee and once she starts misbehaving ask her ''why doesn't she like you'',tell her that you're trying a lot to be her friend not an enemy and who knows maybe her heart melts ;)
     
    mixedfamily, Jul 18, 2011
    mixedfamily, Jul 18, 2011
    #8
  9. Jul 19, 2011 #9
    manjushail

    manjushail New IL'ite

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    Hi Mixedfamily,

    Thanks for the reply. I am basically quite an introvert. I can talk with everyone, but cannot discuss everything with everyone. I try to keep it that way. I am married into a large family, but as they were all living in other city, we used to get together occasionally. Even then there were differences, but it was still ok. But dealing with such a person on a daily basis is not my cup of tea. After getting replies from you and other members, I am feeling better now. I think I can muster courage to face her (I am quite afraid of her, so dont backanswer, but now I have to). For now, she is off of my mind and I would like to thank you all for that :).

    As I have found friends here, when I confront her next time, I will write again, hopefully I would deal better.
     
    manjushail, Jul 19, 2011
    manjushail, Jul 19, 2011
    #9

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