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I am not a superwoman!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by mcutiepie, Oct 14, 2015.

  1. mcutiepie

    mcutiepie Gold IL'ite

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    Hi All,
    Hope everyone is doing well..

    I am here as I am feeling very alone today. Mine problem is not big but as I mentioned earlier too I am a working woman with a small baby. My MIL takes care of my baby in my absence and also of household activities once I am away. I wake up at 6am and cook brkfst, lunch and do some other small activities and leave at 8am. Reaches back by 6:30 or 7 and MIL would have coooked veg for night and I will take my son to park, or will feed him and at dinner time, I cook chapattis. For cleaning, we have maid which comes behind me.

    My MIL never says anything to me (after old issues/fights) and she keeps on feeding my husband. And he at times taunts me that I am not good at household activities and its his mom, who is taking care of everything.If my son is keeping me awake during night and still I am continuing with my next day, no appreciation to me But if one day, my son was crying hard due to some known reason and my MIL came and after efforts, he slept in her room, so he better sleep, my husband asked me to let him sleep there only. Next morning, MIL told that she was awake till late and made my son sleep in her lap. And my husband was showing so much of gratitude as if she has done so much of sacrifice.

    Such attitude is hurting me a lot as its just matter of time I cant do all household activies by myself. Earlier even I have done all these. If I discuss with him, then he never opposes and is like he understands that along with job, how much I can do. But on the other hand, will never miss any chance to taunt me. If MIL is at home, and she is hving time for all these, she is doing all this. Both DH and MIL has a perception now that I cant do household activities and I only relies on maids which is not truth.

    We are planning for an yr overseas trip where in I will take a career break. Then too my husband showed worry that will I be able to manage all household as there wouldnt be any maids.

    Please let me know how to overcome this. At times I feel like I shall take a break and show these folks boss you are wrong as with job, I cant work 24X7 but again that seems a stupid idea to leave career for this thing?
    How do you ladies (working) handle such things?
     
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  2. shari2003

    shari2003 Silver IL'ite

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    OP, when you are at work, and as the maid works on other things to be done at home, apart from looking after the baby what does MIL do? What else is pending at home, since you are doing most of the cooking and maid is there to do the cleaning. Identify that and see what else you can pitch in and do.

    On a different note, your MIL is doing a favour by looking after your son, when you are away, but being parents you and your spouse are responsible of taking care of the kid. Probably that's why your husband appreciates her for what she does. And, taking care of little children is a tiring thing to do, I see that my mother is exhausted and completely drained out at the end of the day after taking care of my 2 year old while I am at work. If that is too tiring for her, is it possible for you to hire a nanny at least part time to look after the son?
    Be calm and tell your spouse that you should be able to manage everything fine, and the child keeps growing too; so less attention.
    Since you asked for tips from working women, offer some of those that I practice:
    Loading washing machine, keeping vessels (pressure cookers with water in them,vessels for tea and milk, rice measured and in a bowl ready for washing, even ladles for the stirring) arranging ingredients like spices on platform, everything I do at night after cleaning the kitchen and before I hit the bed.
    I push most of the routine tasks to weekends:
    Peeling ginger, garlic and making paste to freeze
    Planning a menu for each day in advance (the weekend before) and no changes are entertained
    Making batches of dosa batter and roti dough during weekends and keep in fridge
    Washing my outside clothes (or sending for dry cleaning), ironing everything for the week ahead and keep sets of clothes arranged for each day (even undergarments) on Sunday
    Taking up the extra dusting, mopping, changing bedsheets, arranging baby's clothes, cleaning cupboards etc for weekend.
    Cutting at least some of the veggies, marinating chicken/ fish for the week etc

    Also, try getting up a little early on the days you have a lot of work to do before you leave to office. Getting 15 more minutes in the morning can also do wonders.
     
  3. mcutiepie

    mcutiepie Gold IL'ite

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    Dear shari2003:

    Thanks for stopping by and replying back.

    According to my Mil, supervising maids is a tedious job than doing by own.. I am also doing many prep on weekends and yes I also wake up even earlier whenever required. She is not ready for nanny and in front of me.. She pretends she is very happy taking care of my son.. And she doesn't have a problem.. This is because she doesn't want me to sit at home.. As it will interfere her privacy.. But she keeps on feeding my husband that she has to do a lot.. Baby sitting is very tiring.. And I just get ready n leave.. While its tuf to sit at home and be a house mom...

    And such things impact my husband which are reflected frequently.. Which is hurting me..
     
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  4. Pinku

    Pinku New IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    What I have learnt so far is that MIL wont let you win the credit. She will praise herself to show you down. I live in exactly similar situation as yours.

    I am working, cook brkfast lunch daily and then move to work. Come back by 6-7PM and start preparing dinner. And till then MIL is already frustrated or energy drained with my lil one. Maid just helps me for cleaning.

    On weekdays I do just normal household works and weekends are kept for dusting etc.

    You can gain peace of mind just by ignoring. However, it is not easy to ignore. I still find it tough. But there is no other way out.

    DH thinks without MIL you wont be able to handle but you have got good chance to prove urself... Go ahead dear..Good luck.

    Be happy that u r getting one full free year to live according to you. enjoy!!
     
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  5. twinklingstar

    twinklingstar Gold IL'ite

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    dear op,

    i think let her enjoy her tarif (self praise). its ok yaar just chill u should be happy that ur son is in safe hands.
    i was in ur place few years back. with time i have learned that no one is going to get anything to take those fake compliments. what will happen if ur hubby start feeling good and praise u for all that. let him praise her as she is her mother and as per her age she doing all that. it is ok as far as ur son is happy and she is also satisfied with those returns (praises). dont ruin ur peace at home and urself thinking all those stuff.

    and it is good opportunity for u to prove (if u really want to) to ur hubby when u will be on vacation. plan and perform to give 100% and make him assure that u can also do everything. but dear dont set extra benchmark for urself. or else this will raise is expectations after returning..
    all the best...
     
  6. Jas8085

    Jas8085 Gold IL'ite

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    How much household work does your DH do? When he taunts you, you taunt him back. Smile and say "still better than you honey!"

    You BOTH work fulltime. So why is the expectation (Household work) only from you????

    Nothing wrong in a working woman depending on maids. You are a human being not a machine!!. Stop doing things for his appreciation/gratitude. Next time he worries how you will manage abroad - tell him "sitting at home is not rocket science. Cooking, vaccuum clean, washing machine, dishwasher - all this takes 1.5hrs max. Anyone can manage"

    DONT show/tell him you want to do more, you want to improve etc. You are already doing your share of work and bringing your paycheck home. You cant compete with DH in job and MIL in household work. Remember, both of them are doing only one thing but they expect you to do two things.

    Happily put your feet up and depend on maids. Stop being what they want you to be. You will be exhaused everyday and will age 10x. Then also they will complain "that neighbours bahu looks so fresh and young". You can never win
     
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  7. Pinku

    Pinku New IL'ite

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    Both our MIL's have got same genes!! gigglingsmileyhugsmiley
     
  8. mcutiepie

    mcutiepie Gold IL'ite

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    @Pinku: Thanks for your suggestions... I just hope it to be converted. More or less "MIL" are like that only.
    @twinklingstar: I do ignore and at times I also believe living according to myself. But in between me and DH otherwise were able to bridge few gaps and were coming closer. With that expectations start increasing again and hence it hurts. I am learning to balance : having a good relationship with hubby with terms and conditions.

    @Jas8085: Yes this is what irritates me most.. He needs full rest on weekends... or whenever he gets time.. then why can't I? Atleast he should understand this.. if not his mom... !
     
  9. Jas8085

    Jas8085 Gold IL'ite

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    Does your DH seek your approval / validation for taking rest? No. Then why do you need his support for taking rest?

    Stop being a slave. Do exactly what he does. Being a mother, you will still end up doing a bit more - Do that bit of extra for your son but dont slog your life away.

    MIL, DH will both be pissed off if u redyce your work load. Let them be. Dont fight, dont argue. Once they accept the new reality, they will be ok.
     
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  10. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Looking after a baby is a full time job. That too at this old age, you can't expect more from your MIL.
    Her side helps at the kitchen and around the house should be definitely appreciated.

    However, it doesn't mean a working woman like you to over do anything to balance the house. It is impossible.

    You do what you can do. But you can do much in less time if you are planning your day in advance.
    Also, invite your husband to pitch in wherever applicable, so that you both could share the responsibilities inside and outside of the house.

    Use the maid correctly, this would solve half of your problem.

    I am a working woman too. I have my mom who is taking care of my children while I am away from home.
    We don't have maids right now. Due to security issues, we had to sack the ex-maid.

    I plan my week well in advance. Iron the cloths of myself, and kids on Sunday. My husband joins me and we share this chore while watching TV or having a chat. So, it won't look as a burden.
    But it helps a lot in the busy mornings of the working days.

    I make chapati, rotti doughs, dosa batter etc..etc.. on Sunday eve. Which will be helpful to make ready made b'fast during working days.

    Me and my mom jointly cut veggies for 5 days, and keep them in separate containers in the fridge. Ginger garlic pastes, coconut pastes etc..etc.. were made in big batches while cooking special meals on Sunday. This will help the weekdays cooking too.

    Moreover, we make simple meals during weekdays.

    While I am concentrating more on cooking, husband would do much around the house. Such as taking kids to park, playing with them, checking their school bags daily, putting younger one to sleep, and also feeding one kid at the busy time would be husband's job.

    Also, he does grocery shopping, laundry, gardening etc..etc.. in addition to helping me with sweeping or moping the floor.

    We order food from restaurant on Friday nights. Eat out on Saturdays (May be lunch or dinner) and visit friends or family on Sunday eve (late). So obviously no proper dinner on Sundays, but just a few snacks and tea.

    We don't make any breakfast during weekends. Either buy ready to eat stuff from bakeries or fast food shop. Or mom would sometimes boil some grams.
    But lunch would be always special like biriyani...

    Kids are trained to arrange their toys, put their used cloths to the bin, keep their books and bags at the right place even though they are very small. They are not too demanding to go to park or play if parents could not make it.

    Husband was demanding with hot fresh meals every time. But most of the times, I cook at nights (just 1 hr) and freeze it for the next day. He has learned to adjust now.

    Just because you are working outside, doesn't mean you can dump your mommy or wify role at home to someone else. For a woman, it is definitely a double job. But it also doesn't mean that you should do everything.

    Just like you are sharing your pay ch, also expect your husband to share some chores at home.
     

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