I am hurt

Dearest Kavitha...
I think put this incident behind you and carry on as you did before...the problem is that when you are a sensitive person and someone hurts you its difficult to let go and this makes you more vulnerable.. learn from your MIL see how easily she has swept it under the carpet and goes on (shamelessly if I may say so) with life...we should also harden our ourselves like that... otherwise you will be crushed!!!
Another thing I would like to bring to your notice is that the people who hurt others intentionally and pretend they didn't even do it are the most dangerous ones as they tend to forgive themselves of any wrong doing as they feel they never do wrong....(am I clear??)
take care and love
Kerman
P.s. Kavitha ... I may be overstepping my limit here but being elder to you I just want to tell you that please keep on the effort of reviving relationship with your parents... even if they don't respond don't feel bad they are as hurt as you...

 

Kavitha, great to know that you're feeling better... its mostly because of sleepless nights.

Many a times when I'd rushed any of my child to emergency I felt like telling those people let the child go with the father and his parents and give me a bed for a while so that I can sleep for atleast 4 hrs in peace.

Since your office is not having a retiring room try the following, am sure there must be atleast one colleague who stays close by.. whenever you feel over-exerted .. take 1/2 day off and sleep for 2-3 hrs at their place, if you can strike that comfort level.. you'll feel a lot better.
Earlier I couldn't have slept just anywhere but post babies its lot different :bonk.

 

Hi
I can imagine what you are goin thru. Its not easy living in a joint family that too if husband is not there with you.
Glad to know that you are strong and independent. But I would like to advice you that Stop taking BS from people. Till the time you keep taking this crap from them they will keep giving you this crap. As you said that you are dong all your duties well, so set a limit to tolerating things also.

There is always a limit to which one can store,...........like a pot of water starts overflowing once it is full........
So if you don't set a limit of accepting sh** , these outbursts of reaction will become more often from you.

Today you are feeling at a loss of your vital energy, you are not able to perform your day's duties well. If you don't vent out your feelings and keep accepting their negative behaviour,,,,,,,,,,"the day" will soon convert into month, before you even know.

YOU ARE YOUR LIFE'S MANAGER NOT THEM. To be able to give 100% positive mother to your kids , stop accepting unnecessary negative from them. Set your boundries, they will resent initially but will learn soon.

 

Dear Kavitha,

Hats off to your patience. I pray god that you come out of all these challenges and have a peaceful and happy life. I just loved your words whcih said 'My children will learn from me'. Believe me it is 200% true.
I am born and brought up in a joint family and I have learnt lots from vaiour family members. My wishes to you.

 

Dear Kavitha,

Just saw this thread today . You are far more mature and understanding for your age, Kavitha. And you are really a gem of a person. I dont know whether I have even half of the patience which you have. So many others have given very valuable suggestions. I would like to just add my two cents.

Dont keep on accepting the bombardings from others (ILaws) always. Be assertive and put your foot down politely but firmly. Take a break , which you are any way contemplating. Parental support always matters, it is a big plus for ladies always .Others including husband, will not take us for granted , when they know that we have a strong back up.(from my personal experience) . In your case, that would have added to the bad behaviour of your inlaws. Finally like you said ealier in one of the replies, you were a head strong, pampered daughter (like all of us when we were children at our parents place) and when you have developed so much maturity and doing so much towards people who have not done anything to you(your motherin law and her mother) and taking non sense from them only for the sake of love(your husband's) , why not accept/ take more humiliation and try to win back parents support and love? Your children also may get benefitted in the process.

Radhi

 

My dearest DD,

Your post made me shed tears of blood. I know your situation very well, I know what you are going through, I know how much do you suffer.

But mils are always like that kavi. It's a much deep-rooted psychological problem than what we believe. There's a natural jealousy between mil and her dil. They say that even the mil of Lord Vishnu (if there's one) will have the same problem towards Mahalakshmi. It's inherent and generic.

Being a man, not used to such situations, I am not competent to advise you. But being in the field of counselling having seen several problems like that, I think I have a duty to advise you.

You should have given a piece of your mind long time back. You should not have waited for five years to shout at her. Yes, it will be unpleasant. But you should not let others use you as a door mat. I am sure Vel would understand your side. But one word of caution. While giving your piece of mind just stick to the subject and use extremely polite language. Have all the sweetness in your voice and then tell your mil, 'You are bull-****ting me in so many sweet words.

Having done that, there is no need to feel bad about it. This had to be done some time or other and you have done it. That's all.

Anyhow you are going to go abroad soon. And this will be a thing of past. And later in her life your mil will think high of you.

I have another good friend in Bangalore who was ill-treated by her mil. The ill-treatment was indescribable. When she had her periods she would be made to sit in the porchway and have her food. They had a dog and the dog's hair would fall in the food as the dog will be moving here and there. Once the lady's father saw her eating food like that. He broke down crying and had to be hospitalized.

The lady bore that all patiently. In her final days the mil was given a chance to stay with her daughter or other sons. She preferred this dil over all others and told the family 'I love her much more than my own daughter. I will prefer to die in her hands.'

I am sure you will come out of this Kavi. Remember your Appa will be praying constantly for you. These are just passing clouds.
Take heart, my child.
love,
your appa

 

Dear Kavitha....
When times are strained and stressful small petty matters are also blown out of proportion... My advice to you will be to back off... Blank your mind to the happenings... Don't let them affect you.. Talking back will only cause further misunderstandings... Remember its not only important to strike the Iron when its hot but its more important to strike the iron at the right point when its hot..
Sometimes Silence says More than words and Actions and "TOTAL IGNORE" expresses more than a thousand words....
take care and keep smiling....
Kerman