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I Am Constantly Judged By My Mom

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by SGBV, Nov 6, 2023.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I don't mind if they take me for granted. Because I also don't appreciate them for being them on a daily basis. The appreciation comes in different forms as love, care and respect. As long as we are connected and share the same POV, everything is fine with me.

    I thought about it, especially after reading your comment. I think, this is the reason.
    This is something I did not do. In fact, I am her DD, and no one can replace my mom in my life. I am so dependent to her presence and I honestly do not know what I will be without her in the future. She knows that.
    On the other hand, I shower her with gifts, with comforts, with a luxurious life in appreciation for whatever she does. But I don't give them with an appreciation note. They just organically happen between a mom and DD.

    I always inform her my decisions, and that's when she rejects them, finds faults in them and mock me for making such foolish decisions.
    beyond the generational gap, there is a huge gap in our life style.
    Especially after joining the UN, and after having been lived in different countries, and working with different people in the past 15 years, I have changed to a well balanced person to a great extent.

    For ex: I will not simply side with people just because they are my family, follow my faith or have my skin colour, but for what is fair and justice. My mother simply can not take it, and I understand it is her ingrained nature just as any Sri Lankan in her age and experience. However, I want my children to be neutral and judge no one based on their age, gender or diversity matters. Else, there will be no point in being vocal about equality as part of my career and personal interest and not practicing the same at home.
    This is one of the area me and my mom don't get along, but she feels others in my age (my school friends, siblings and cousins) are on agreement with her choice except me, and my career and the group that I mingle with are the reason for my rebellious nature. She doesn't want my children to act like me. :(
     
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  2. HariLakhera

    HariLakhera Platinum IL'ite

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    Now that she is 75 and as you said, how many more years she has to live, maybe it is time to make amends. Do not accept her to change at this age. Amends, if any, will have to be made by you. Success has different meanings to different people.
    As for your children, I am sure, they listen to your mom more because she has given them more time in their life. As an old-fashioned mother, do not expect her to believe in us - our children's children are not our children- . She has every right to 'spoil' them. hahahaha.
     
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  3. kalcandu

    kalcandu Silver IL'ite

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    Let me share with you an astrological perspective on this issue. Certain relationships may be going through a difficult phase due to the nature of our past karma. Even I have this kind of relationship with my mom. It made me go deep to understand the reasons behind it. What I understood is that I have done something in my previous birth and hence have to experience this kind of situation in this lifetime. Once you understand and accept that, it won't irritate you anymore. In fact if you don't react negatively and simply accept it, the karma will get finished. But if you keep complaining or resenting the situation you are in, it will make it worse. Best to take it positively and humbly. Then you will be surprised to see how the situation also becomes better. Wish you all the best.
     
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  4. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks a lot for all your response...

    I feel much relieved after venting and discussing with you here :)

    My mom acts as if nothing happens, and showers me with foods and love. In spite of her back pain, she chose to make special dish for me, thinking I might not eat what is cooked by the maid today. She is like this most of the time, and especially with both myself and my brother. Even though, we are the ones who argue and always have difference of opinion with mom. But mom knows well, that we love her a lot, and have at most respect for her.

    But, the same mom will start another argument tomorrow, put me down for taking a different stand, and bring back all the past stories to convey that I am wrong or guilt ridden for what I did.

    This is a cycle, and as @HariLakhera said, I can't expect any changes in her in this old age. So, I should start cultivating changes in myself.
    Either I don't engage in common discussions with her, or act in line with her opinion (like saying yes to everything) and do whatever I want at the end (and she will not know most of these things).
     
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  5. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    @SGBV, In my observation, your mom or any other mom of that age or my mom, just want to be heard. They dont want our opinion on who is right, if she she is wrong or how to fix it. They dont want to change any thing evenif they are wrong.

    So, it will give just pain if you go that path of enlighting your mom or explaining your side or fight for justice. It will be hard to change our approach, but just acknowledge and dont contribute much to the discussion. Yeah, you are right, Yeah I understand etc are the words they may like. They are in their second childhood, so whatever tricks we play with kids to deviate their attention and bring the brighter side can work. Sometimes even grey rocking. Try to make her feel good about herself by appreciating her contributions, talk less on past events or negatives.

    When they vent, just listen, try to change the topic or their attention. They want appreciation, empathy, care/ love and respect. They dont want to listen any thing negative, so even if we like to say no, do it in affirmative way. So, listen, node your head, dont take it your heart. I am sure it demands some practice and effort to change your overall approach. Accept it. You can't change her, so change your approach.
     
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2023
  6. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra Finest Post Winner

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    When what you think, what you say and what you do vary, it creates internal conflict within you. Try to avoid this. You can acknowledge her contribution by saying how she has raised you well to be able to make your decisions. After all she is your mother and giving her credit for what you have become is a reasonable effort. However, please remember you say "Yes" to her individual views on a particular circumstance and then do your own way, it might make her do the same thing over and over again.

    My suggestion is to tell her that your decisions are successful only because of her great contribution in bringing you up. Every decision you take, give her the credit even before she gives her opinion on each issue. Just listen to her views and don't react. But you don't share what you think about the particular issue. Not even justify the rationale for your decision. Because you give credit to her for your ability to make decision, she will give away the habit of participating in each decision.
     
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