Husband's sexual orientation

Well I am not sure if I'd go to the extent of calling myself an expert but I certainly have experience and knowledge in this particular realm and some other areas pertaining to sex. For me, good sex is a very vital part of my relationship and I am not a very happy camper if I am not getting adequate sex LOL

The only way you can discover each other's fantasy is to have an open communication and honest discussion between you two and as a married couple, you should be able to discuss your fantasies and sexual proclivities with your spouse without inhibitions or reservations or the fear of reprisals. That is the first stage you need to get past in a healthy relationship. When you married someone, you commited yourself to this person for life atleast hypothetically, so your partner better have good listening and comprehension skills and be able to experiment and try new things to sexually please you and make him sexually desirable to you. The rule goes both ways and both people need to make earnest and sincere efforts to sexually please their partner and live up to the expectations and be willing and open minded to try new things. The moment sex is a secondary part of your relationship, you know your marriage is headed for the toilet. I will mince no words in this regard. People who get married, have a couple of kids and then stop having sex or have rare sex once in a bluemoon and claim their marriage is not anymore about sex and its about kids and responsibilities etc are only fooling themselves. The moment a woman is not sexually desired by her partner, she is as good as an inanimate object in the relationship and all women should remember this motto LOL

Only way to find out your partner's sexual desires and fantasies is to have an open and honest communication process between you. When I say open, when your partner discusses a particular fantasy with you, do not dismiss him summarily because you have already made up your mind that it is not something that appeals to you. Do not knock something until you have tried it. Ofcourse there might be things that may well beyond your spirit of adventure but explain to him/her in a rational and logical way why it does not appeal to you and suggest him alternatives. Be an active participant in the communication. This goes for both. Discussing your fantasies is not a quick appointment in your dining table when you are waiting for your clothes to finish in the washer so you can transfer it to the dryer and its a filler topic to kill time LOL. And whatever is said and discussed between you two is confidential and private and it does not entitle you to go toot your horn to your friends and family how deviant your spouse is and nor does it entitle you to mock their fantasies. In other words, have mutual respect for each other and things that transpired between you two is not public domain information to be judgemental on him/her.

Hope that makes sense.

 

Thanks Sridivya. I think we both are fortunate to have like tastes when it comes to our sexual preferences and desires. Sexual chemistry is very vital. LOL well I can understand from your point of view how the things I mentioned may have come across as shocking and perhaps bizzare especially since you don't have any exposure or knowledge in this realm. I am glad to hear you evolved during the discourse to atleast keep an open mind.

I can perfectly understand if it is not for you as everyone's fantasies are not cuppa tea for everyone universally. But if you are married or have a s/o of some sort, do not be so sure that he does not have these fantasies until you have had an open communication with him LOL

I am glad I can answer your questions. Cheers

 

Thanks Malavika. When he is not stressed at work or anything like that I will bring it up and see what he is thinking of. Of course I wouldn't discuss that with anyone I know... I'd be horrified if he did that to me, so I wouldn't do that to him. I've asked him before like what he wants me to do, and it's usually just a position or a reply of "anything"... not very imaginative. Maybe he is shy to open up to me about that? We've had lots of fights in the past (due to his parents) and maybe that has made us shut off from each other subconsciously.

I know he must have some erotic thoughts deep down inside because he used to go to strip clubs before he met me and watched ****. And he is not shy to do stuff in bed. But I think if I had to guess, he might be holding back because I'm more of the shy one in that realm and in his mind I'm a "good girl" and those girls he used to watch in the past were "bad" and I think somehow he doesn't want to disrespect me by suggesting something kinky.

Actually this post has given me a lot of good thoughts to introspect on. It forced me to wonder if the fights of our past have affected our sex life and our openess with each other. And it has made me wonder if I could make a good thing even better with my hubby. Thanks Malavika for opening my mind a little.

Absolutely, I agree. I never want to lose that spark with my dh. When we first met, he was so passionate about everything. He still is, but less and less often... maybe due to work or life or whatever. I still have some other issues with him to work out (you can read about it in the thread I started), so I'll add "keeping the excitement alive" to my pile of goals I need to tackle. :thumbsup

 

Well my first reaction was not to get upset or go in a state of shock or view the revelation as a relationship killer, if that is the response you were expecting LOL I listened and gave it careful consideration and was willing to try.

Eventhough I did not have prior experience before my husband in this realm, I certainly had the knowledge and the idea of what d/s and b/d and s/m are as it is part of the societies I grew up in so n was nothing shocking or outlandish about it for me. England has so many fetish and alternate lifestyle clubs and there were always insinuations of the theme in the media as well.

As for your other part of the question, there is nothing like a right when it comes to these relationships or fantasies. It is a roleplay fantasy and he is comfortable being the submissive because that is what turns him on and I am the dominant. So no, neither does he try to punish me for my transgressions and nor does it give him pleasure to be the giver. He prefers to be the receiver and the submissive. I think I made this clear in several previous posts.

Well sex is integral part of the fantasy and if you want real specifics, this is how it works in our specific case. The nights he is punished, he is obligated to pleasure and please me till I am extremely satisfied and I will let him be satisfied at my discretion and whim. It is part of the fantasy and I am the dominant so he gets release only if he has pleased me sexually to my satisfaction. Please do not apply reality world logic to this as you seem to be mixing up a fantasy with reality very often as you have little grasp of what it is LOL Usually on the nights he is punished, he will pamper and please me to his best and he is rewarded accordingly based on his performance and how well he pleases me. So if he orally pleases me and climaxes me 3 times, I may reward him to penetrate me and climax once. In the fantasy realm, I wield the power so he has to strive and work very hard and please me to my fullest satisfaction before I grant him privilege for his release. And yes, in that realm, it is a privilege for him to get access to my inner sanctum sanctorum and he better strive hard to be worrthy of earning that privilege LOL And yes, he almost always does The waiting and anticipation and control heightens the experience for him very much

No worries on asking me too many questions and I am not too shy to answer them LOL I'd much rather be straight and give you details and educate you than keep you guessing so that way it opens up your mind.

The reason it intrigued me to post in this thread in the first place was when I read the OPs dilemma and the responses to it, I was really taken aback a bit. Most of them gave that poor girl very lousy advice filled with prejudice and complete lack of knowledge with little objectivity. That girl must have been convinced she married a freakshow when in reality the truth is very far from it. And yes, some of the early responses were so mighty bad Some of the people sounded completely clueless but yet were convinced she is married to a circus freak LOL The only thing they missed was to take him to a exorcist:biglaugh It sounded like that girl was married in arrangement but yet she assumed someone would bring up their sexual proclivities and preferences in that setting and have full disclosure as if this is your CV. How exactly do you do that?:biglaugh

 

ASG, I think you have the right attitude and you sound open and willing to try new things so you will do fine. As far as erotic thoughts and how to find out his fantasies, have you two ever gone to a sex toy shop, bought some toys or tried naughty lingerie or bought fancy costumes for dressing up? If you have not done that, you must That gives you clues as to where his fantasies lie.
And if he watches ****, offer to watch it with him and ask him to rent some dirty movies to watch with him. This will have a two fold effect. First, it will arouse you both and lead to some good sex. Second, when you rent the movies, let him pick a couple and you pick a couple according to what you prefer. Usually the central theme of the dirty movies people pick is the gateway to their inner fantasies and fetishes.
If he picks a movie which has a leather clad dominatrix enslaving and abusing a hapless male, take him to the adult shop and buy yourself some leathers and a nice whip and whip up some fun in your sex life LOL Or whatever he picks, pay attention to his tastes in **** and that directly gives you a peek into what his fantasies might be

 

No, he mentioned it ONCE, and I was like "Um, I don't know, that sounds scary." I don't even know why I said that!!!!! Probably it was a good idea!! I'm still kicking myself for shutting him down like that. That was couple of years ago. :bonk

He doesn't watch **** anymore. In fact he doesn't even look at other women anymore. He is REALLY attracted to me. So, sometimes it's hard for me to tell what kind of stuff he'd like because he did all that stuff before he met me (i.e. before I had time to observe). I do have some clues though... I think he likes girly girls (yeah, guess that's me), and I know in the past when he went to high end strip clubs, he paid to have a 'private langerie showing' (I've never seen this in person, but he said it's where they model langerie and then take it off... they do other stuff but it's not appropriate to print here probably... no contact, just, dancing stuff). But I never went into detail asking him what type of **** he watched. One time I asked him though how he was so good at different sex stuff and he said it's because he read about it a lot so he would know what women like etc. So, he must have an open mind.... right? I mean he's told me here and there what he likes me to do or say, but not like, "LETS TRY THIS..."

Actually you know what I think is putting a big wet blanket all over our once happy sex life (aside from his work stress)? There's this stupid neighbor next door, she is SO loud from 9pm to about 1am, and she SCREAMS at her kid "LAY DOWN. SIT DOWN." And she screams right on the other side of our bedroom wall (we live in an apartment). You know on Valentine's Day we were settling in for a nice cozy night, and what do you know... right as I think something might happen.... BOOM, her loud voice ruins the mood and we both went to sleep with no action. I'm starting to get really frustrated about this neighbor because she does that every night and it's SO loud (in fact I can hear her right now), and it's like, constant screaming for HOURS. It's hard to set a romantic atmosphere with her voice echoing through our room. Guess that's another issue entirely though. I don't even know what to do about it.

So, how do I bring this adventure topic up? Like, should I do it when we're already starting to "do it" or when we're just sitting casually watching tv or something? Normally we used to discuss these things in bed, unless it's a serious sex related health topic, then we'd discuss that during normal hours. The problem is... in the past when I ask him what he'd like during foreplay, he's not really in the "conversational" mood, so I feel like no information is really being gained during that time.

Grrr I'm so irritated thinking of my neighbor. I shouldn't have brought it up because now I'll be stewing for like the next 15 minutes thinking how rude she is. :rant

 

ASG, I think you should definitely go to a sex shop with him and buy some toys and accessories together. Since he initiated the topic once, I think its your turn and you should initiate it this time
You should also go with him to an adult shop and rent some dirty movies and watch it together. Doing things like that together sends him a mental note as to how sensual and sexual you are and believe me, he will be extremely surprised and turned on by your metamorphosis. Buy some sexy lingerie and costumes and surprise him when he comes home from a long day at work and initiate sex and make it a memorable experience and make him want more. Dress sexily and provocatively when you are at home and that is a cue for sex. Just show him what a sensual and sexual woman you are and you can arouse him and get him in the mood and willing to enact his fantasies. Those kind of things will certainly send him on a tailspin wanting more Once you got him in the groove, make him earn and work for your sexual companionship and by that I mean, make him work real hard for his privilege LOL Seduce him, tease him and send him dirty texts etc. Make him think about you all day at work and keep him in anticipation and suspended animation as to what might be in store for him when he gets home.

Yeah noisy neighbours can be annoying. Maybe you should have a talk with this lady and tell her to keep it down especially during night time. If she does not comply, talk to your apartment management about the noise. Noisy neighbors can be quite the turn off and coitus interruptus LOL

 

Ok Malavika. That is a lot of information overload! I will try one at a time. First thing is I'm going to try and make sure me and hubby fight less, because neither of us enjoy sex when we're angry at each other. Lately there was some big scandle (mentioned in my thread) that really rocked the boat around here so guess I need to recover from that shock. So once things are real chilled out at home, I'll try to initiate a romantic night. I do initiate romantic nights already, but this time I'll try to be more focused. Once we open up more with each other, I'll ask him about the sex shop thing. Maybe I can hide in the car and he can go in. He's been in those places before and is not scared. :hide:

I really feel though I won't be able to mention that. I just wish he'd bring it up again so it doesn't have to come from me. I guess I need to get over the shyness. But he should speak up and not just leave it all to me!!

Yeah, my dh says we should tell the apartment management about that lady. But the problem is, on our floor there is just us, one other lady who is never home, and then the loud lady (and then other people downstairs). So if we complain she'll know it's us. And she is NOT the type of person you want to confront face to face. Actually her boyfriend is the main tenant and she just comes in and out at night with the kid and leaves in the morning. They moved in like 3-4 months ago but her shouting has gotten worse. It's really ruining our sex life and our SLEEP.

See, I'm still on the internet waiting for my husband to get home from work (where I live it's past 10). But I'm already tired! So weeknights we're tired, and now Friday tonight I'm tired, and then when we want to do something that lady is screaming.

Anyways, thanks for your help. I started out a curious spectator and now I'm engrossed in my own small issues. How did that happen! :crazy

 

Well ASG, now you sound like a procrastinator and someone who just talks the talk but won't walk the walk LOL The objective of this exercise is not to wait for the sun, moon and stars to align to bring this up. And nor is it for you to sit in the car while he does a quick in and out. It is for you both as a couple to engage in sensual activities that will bring you closer together and improve intimacy.

Why not? I think you should initiate this time and you should bring it up. Think of it as your assignment for this week LOL What is the worst that can happen? Its not like he is going to feed you to the piranhas or put you on the guillotine because you expressed desire to go to a sex toy shop. Nothing good comes out of shyness. Its not like you are soliciting a stranger for sex. Blimey, its your husband for Pete sake. Start acting like you are his wife who shares intimacy with him, not like a stranger soliciting sex LOL

Well mine is out of the country on business till Tue or I would not be sitting here at the wee hours of the morning on a Saturday LOL

Tired, Noisy neighbors etc are not really good excuses for not having sex LOL I could have sex by the runway at Heathrow when planes are taking off and landing, if I am in the mood and want it. Nothing else could perturb me if I need sex:biglaugh

 

Now you sound like my husband! I told him once I was shy to tell him something, and that's EXACTLY what he said. You are right, there is no reason to be scared. I will initiate this at the earliest. I think the hardest step will be the first step, and after that it will probably get easier. :thumbsup