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Husband's Grief=our(family) Grief. Wife's Grief, Not Even Hers!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Bubbles, Nov 18, 2020.

  1. Bubbles

    Bubbles Silver IL'ite

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    I feel really heartbroken about one of my cousins situation. She lives in US with her husband. She recently lost her sibling(unmarried), and due to the covid situation could not go home. It was terrible, because they were really close. After a customary few days, her in-laws (who were in India) and husband wanted her to observe all vrats and poojas at home. She has to, was their argument, for the good of the family. Barely able to function, she just went along, not having the spirit to even fight back.

    I am filled with indignant rage. Is this still the norm, is this how women are even nowadays? I know even in my mom's generation they were like this. But even now? Do they still not observe any mourning and do all poojas in their house - even if they are a nuclear family?
    How is a woman to carry herself when she is so undervalued in the very family she is supposed to nurture and build?
     
    Swetha52003 and KashmirFlower like this.
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  2. netflx

    netflx Gold IL'ite

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    @Bubbles
    Generally if there is an immediate loss in guy's family, for 1-year there is no festival or such activities.
    This is usually not followed for woman's side.
    Now, this is as per 'traditional custom'. In reality, at least for sometime, things are kept a bit low due to human consideration, so women also allowed to take time to grieve and mourn especially in circumstances like what you said. So, there is a "traditional custom" and then there is some reality mourning period no matter which gender.
    But yea the 1-year break is typically followed for guy's side.
     
    sarvantaryamini and Swetha52003 like this.
  3. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    Unfortunately, this is still the norm. A friend lost her dad and despite her grief had to participate in all of the poojas and rituals. She wasn’t even given the courtesy of not being involved in any of the prep work. It was life as usual for the family. I remember when her FIL passed they didn’t even take family pictures together for an entire year because they were mourning.
     
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  4. chanchitra

    chanchitra Gold IL'ite

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    as long as kanya daan exists, these things will be there.
    girls have to be strong . This girl could have refused to do all poojas and vrats till her mind heals
     
    drdiva and nakshatra1 like this.
  5. Ushiee

    Ushiee Gold IL'ite

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    This is the fate of Indian women, I don't know about other cultures, some years back I lost my (unmarried)sibling, when I came back home after funeral my dh decorated the house with Christmas lights & decorations i felt like someone slapped me. my in-laws didn't even have the decency to give me some space for healing. Even after so many years my pain and hurt staying in my mind, I used to cry secretly.
     
  6. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    Here in kerala, the socially sanctioned mourning is for women since family lines are matrilineal at least in the case of birth and death. For men, close blood relations are mourned the same way.
    I think women need to speak out. May be men/in-laws think that they are helping in moving on by restoring "normalcy" . Normal human beings support the mourning person. Sometimes they need pointers on how. But there are people who are downright inconsiderate too. You will never know until you speak up.
     
    Bubbles likes this.
  7. cutepoojitha

    cutepoojitha Bronze IL'ite

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    I agree, I have faced this situation in my personal life as well, when my uncle was seriously ill and I got a call from India and we are in USA and I am so closely attached to him as I was brought up by him in my childhood and it was his birthday, a major festival and same day he met with accident. I was so drained emotionally as at that point of time and my husband immediatly called inlaws, she immediatly consoled me for a sec and she got scared that if some thing happens to my uncle I will not do festival, so she told strictly " You have to follow all our traditions for next 3 days with out fail" she pestered, other DIL of our house has made to follow all traditions with in first 10 days of her immediate family member death, including wearing new clothes for festivals and performing big pooja's.

    I am not sure if "Humanity rules traditions or Tradition rule humanity"

    I am sure that GOD will not ask to celebrate with me, celebrate for me if you are going through immense grief, only PIL's will ask in Loud voice.

    For one of my friend lost immediate family member in India and her parents were here in usa to help with her baby had to book tickets to rush to India, her inlaws insisted that her parents should stay back and still help her DIL, she always uses word "our DIL", same old MIL denied to help with baby during her delivery in name of tradition

    We should also say in Loud voice, Humanity should rule traditions, can you please by kind with others?
     
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2020
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  8. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Good question. It is still the norm to follow the man's family side of customs even if a nuclear family. In happier times like wedding, house-warming, baby-shower, baby naming, festival celebrations, the woman does not mind so much. It is also easier to combine the man's side and woman's side customs. At sad times, such as the woman losing a dear one, it is not as easy to combine the mourning with regular celebrations.

    More than blaming or ruing the "norm", I find it disturbing that how a person celebrates or what vrat/pujas he or she follows can be dictated by others. By those who are not even living with them. Doesn't the very notion of a person being forced to do these go against the main goal of the ritual!!

    More than this "norm", it is the equation between the husband and the wife that rankles. If when your spouse is dealing with grief and processing it, you force her/him to do something that doesn't help her/him at all, it is sad beyond words. If you can't help the grieving spouse, at least don't add to his/her sorrow and suffering.
     
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  9. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Its high time ladies learn to say NO.
    One should not say yes, when its no in their mind. If others dont care about your feelings why should you care about their celebrations
     
  10. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Agree.

    When a man wants to follow unfair practices or agree to his parents' unreasonable demands of his wife, he does not care that he gets the mamma's boy or patriarchal/whatever labels. Similarly, if a woman wants to assert herself, she should do so without caring about losing the good-DIL or obedient wife titles/labels.
     
    Bubbles likes this.

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