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Husband's attitude changed.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ranirm, Sep 28, 2015.

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  1. Sep 28, 2015 #1
    ranirm

    ranirm Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear ladies i want a solution for my problem..please help me..i am married for the past 1.5 years and now pregnant for 7 months..expecting my baby in november..mine is arranged marriage and i am totally in love with my husband..after marraige i stayed with my inlaws only for few days may be a week or less and he took me to US ..and he pampered me a lot there we loved each other a lot except for few minor issues where his sister used to interfere and i will fight for that and will not talk to him and he will also not talk wid me for few days and it will get resolved somehow ..he assured me he will not allow his sister in between us..we decided to have my delivery in india as my mom cant travel..i came here during 5th month and staying at my mom's place..he came here for babyshower and from that his behaviour is changed he is ignoring me and giving more importance to his mom and sister only..and always escorting his sister and his bil anywhere they go leaving me alone..in our custom my parents has to leave me and baby to inlaws place 6 months after delivery ..and i spoke with him clearly before when i was in US that i will stay at my moms place 6 months with baby and he was ok about it and said ok that time and assured about it ..but now he and his mom asking me to leave me and baby in just 2 months for which my mom hesitated..but he is so rude to my mom telling he wants his mom to be with baby..but he will be in US and i have to alone with baby with his mom which is impossible for me ..in thier house they dont even have extra room and i have to sleep in same room with my inlaws but i had privacy all my life..and his mom will not even cook properly...she will not even ask if i want coffee..many days she will not even mame curry as she is very lazy..so i did not want to stay alone and i am ready to stay in his house after he comes from US to take me and baby..he is changing plates now after seejng his mom and sis..so am not talking with him and he doesnt care he is also not talking with me .he is going to other city for some work but he did not even call me to say bye and he is leaving..he is ignoring me ..he used to discuss all financial things with me while we were there but now he is doing everything on his own and not discussing with me but only jus informing me after buying something..he is totally different after coming here..we are planning to settle in india soon and i am fearing what will happen if we settle here when my inlaws and sil are totally near us..i did not even get a clue he will change like this and did not even have a hint he is mommas boy..i thought i was so lucky to marry him as he loved me a lot but now i feel i am cursed after seeing his change when his mom and sis is near ..now he is literally not talking with me now what should i do..i dont feel like living wid a person who has a split personality..please advice me what to do..?
     
    ranirm, Sep 28, 2015
    ranirm, Sep 28, 2015
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  2. Sep 29, 2015 #2
    Jas8085

    Jas8085 Gold IL'ite

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    OP, Never leave your DH for such a long time. You should have delivered in the US - the difficulties of managing alone would have ANYDAY been easier than the mess u are in now.

    Your SIL/MIL nicely took advantage and brainwashed your DH. Your DH too was dumb enough to fall for it. (most husbands are like that anyway).

    Tell DH calmly that you both agreed before only about the 6month thing. Tell him nicely that you need privacy to feed etc. Offer to go there when he comes to take you.
    DONT COMPLAIN OR FIGHT. THIS IS NOT THE TIME.
     
    Jas8085, Sep 29, 2015
    Jas8085, Sep 29, 2015
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  3. Sep 29, 2015 #3
    brahan

    brahan Platinum IL'ite

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    Please let him know that its not possible to nurse your baby in a room which is shared by so many ppl. As a new mom you need privacy for some time
     
    brahan, Sep 29, 2015
    brahan, Sep 29, 2015
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  4. Sep 29, 2015 #4
    ranirm

    ranirm Bronze IL'ite

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    @jas8085 and @brahan thanx a lot for ur suggestions
    I can somehow convience him for that 6 months thing ..but what about his change in attitude after seeing his mom..what can i do about that am totally clueless about my future with him :(
     
    ranirm, Sep 29, 2015
    ranirm, Sep 29, 2015
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  5. Sep 29, 2015 #5
    guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Your inlaws are going to want it stay with their grandchild, OP. It is but natural.

    After you came here did you visit them and engage with them? You have not mentioned any tiffs with your inlaws; so I assume things are fine between you and them.

    Whatever said and done, they are his parents, his family. You will have to deal with it diplomatically and accord them that respect. Your husband has been very supportive. Your end of the bargain would be to ensure peace us not disturbed on your account.

    It appears to me that both you and your husband have been acting it if ego rather than thinking things through.

    While it must be undoubtedly difficult, gracefully offer to shuttle between your parents and inlaws as soon as the baby is old enough to travel. Until then invite them over for a few days now and again. Also see if you can advance your ticket to go back to the US once the baby can travel.

    IMO this is not something you need to have a fall out over.

    PS:please do not hold your husband responsible for what his folks say and do. It is pointless to argue and fight with him over that. Diplomatically gloss over stuff so that he understands you and he are one unit.
     
    guesshoo, Sep 29, 2015
    guesshoo, Sep 29, 2015
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  6. Sep 29, 2015 #6
    Jas8085

    Jas8085 Gold IL'ite

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    You cant do much about it in the short term. If you argue about it, it will only increase.

    ignore it and somehow go back to the US. Focus on building a strong bond WITHOUT bringing his mother/sister into the picture. Try to stay in the US for as many years as possible.

    Something happens to men when they see their mothers/sisters. All logic, love and commonsense gets switched off in their brains
     
    Jas8085, Sep 29, 2015
    Jas8085, Sep 29, 2015
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  7. Sep 29, 2015 #7
    guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Perhaps you should talk to him and simply let him know you feel a distance between the two of you and that really upsets you. Do not drag his family into it. Don't blame him for doing things behind your back or not calling you before leaving. Just tell him you were really upset about the distance between the two of you and have been vexed about it; how it worried you; how you had no idea how to fix it. Assure him you love him the most and then listen. Don't react. I'm not saying you need to bend over backwards but you need to figure out what bits you want to fight about and what you can give in.

    How you resolve his conflict will set the tone for the future when you go back with your baby. Take care.
     
    guesshoo, Sep 29, 2015
    guesshoo, Sep 29, 2015
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  8. Sep 29, 2015 #8
    Jazmine83

    Jazmine83 Gold IL'ite

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    OP..

    Does your IL's stay in the same city as your parents? If yes, how welcome are they to visit your house regularly to bond with the baby?

    If no...then think about it..you are spending a year with your parents after your marriage (5 months before baby, 6 months after baby)..I think it is a bad idea to stay away from your spouse for such a long time. He needs to bond with you and the baby as well during this time
     
    Jazmine83, Sep 29, 2015
    Jazmine83, Sep 29, 2015
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  9. Sep 29, 2015 #9
    lavi2015

    lavi2015 New IL'ite

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    I am in a similar situation. Married for almost 20 years. We have our ups and downs. All these years, I learnt one thing. Have to manage the in-laws matter cautiously, especially with the kind that can emotionally blackmail husbands and husbands are the type that can't balance both relationships. I agree with others, in these situations it is best to go back to your husband and if possible stay in a different country. We live in US but just phone calls and visits to India cause such havoc. Currently my in-laws suddenly fell sick, I can feel my husband's helplessness in taking time-off as it is critical at work and maybe couple more months before he can go. We recently moved into a new home so a little tight on cash too with all the purchases. My in-laws are self-sufficient financially so that is not the issue. But somehow all that anger is directed at me. I am just trying to stay calm, minimize conversations, keeping engaged with kid's stuff and almost avoiding each other and hope the phase will be over sometime. Last couple of visits, we go separately to India too. Sometimes I wonder why some indian husbands are so dumb that they can't balance both relationships!
     
    lavi2015, Sep 29, 2015
    lavi2015, Sep 29, 2015
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  10. Sep 29, 2015 #10
    ranirm

    ranirm Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank u all...
    @lavi2015: they are financially depend on us too even then thats not a problem for me as what he spends for his parents but i dont know how he can change plates after coming here..am not even sure if there is somebody behind him to screw things like this or its all in my head..but onething for sure is he is changed ..even if somebody tuning him like dis or he himself changed like dis i am cluless how to get him back or even i doubt i din have him all these days at all..

    @Jazmine83: even i understand its bad to leav him so many months alone..but the problem is not that..only after seeing his mom and sis here in india his behaviour is different..he is rude and cunning..he used to be so humourous and jovial there but he hardly laughs here.. moreover his parents are most welcomed..we r girls side any day they act superior to us..his mom even may think she has more right over the baby than me..

    @guesshoo: wonderful points i ll surely keep in mind these before speaking with him ..

    @jas8085:i always dnt try to bring his mom and sis after few fights but this time he himself brought them into picture and he is always talking about his mothers well being how she has to be taken care ..how i have to be with them all that only but nothing about me my baby or our relationship..he always fights about mom mom mom..the problem is we cant stay in US for long time ..may be in a year we have to return and he is very sure about it as he needs to be with his parents neither i want to stay there as i want to be near my parents too as we r only 2 sisters to take care of them..we cant keep them with us but atleast can stay near them..
     
    ranirm, Sep 29, 2015
    ranirm, Sep 29, 2015
    #10
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