Husband Working For More Hours

Tagging @nuss

 

Dear Op,

Go out for a Tea or Coffee date with husband.
Now your kid is 7 years so even you guys can go plan for dinner date or go for a movie.
Please talk or discuss with him and try to figure out a mid path which suits you both.

 

Do all profs work like this?
YES! Being a tenured/tenure-track Professor is like running your start-up company. We need to wear many hats- hiring students and postdocs, training them, meeting regularly, making sure everyone has everything they need, making sure they are making progress, ordering, giving seminars, meeting with collaborators, serving on grant panels, reviewing grants and manuscripts, writing our own manuscripts, revising rewriting, AND TEACHING. Yes, one can be successful with 40h work week but for most, it takes 50-60h /week. We all do it happily because we love what we do and that's where the problem arises. Since there is no login/logoff time and no one is asking or checking on our schedule, we tend to work more, not less!
There is a joke among academics-
"In academia, we have the flexibility to choose which days to work as long as it is 7 days a week"

Dear OP- I wish I could say this is not normal but unfortunately, this is how academia works! My husband and I earned tenure 2 years ago and most of our arguments/disagreements were about who is going to stay home with the kids!
We have two kids- 10 and 8 so they have always been part of our tenure journey. I used to be so mad when my husband would go grocery shopping and 6 hours later when I call him the response would be- I just needed to check on an experiment and it took longer (of course, it always takes longer!). he was more patient with me because I always told him exactly what was going on- "I need to work all weekend so please you plan something for the kids!"

I was much better with time management compared to him. But that doesn't mean we didn't work long hours.
A few things that helped us-

1. Plan ahead. Everything goes on the calendar, even the Sunday outings to avoid reserving that time for something else.
2. Make sure to ask your husband in advance to keep his weekend almost open (believe me, it's hard to not check on things especially if he is a biologist).
3. Make weekend lab work a family thing, ask him to take you and your son along, or just your son so you can relax!
4. If you can, join him on his conference trips! We work in the same field and usually go to the same conferences. We take kids with us and hire a babysitter at the hotel or attend alternate sessions so one of us can take kids around the place. Even if you go once or twice a year, it will be worth spending time together as a family while still getting the work done.
5. If the kid is home from school (not sick) send him with his dad. Academia is flexible enough to have kids in the office. our kids have spent countless days in our offices and have even sat in our classes when w couldn't find help.
6. Holidays- Honestly, none of us really cares how many vacation days we have. We take time off as and when needed. So, don't expect him to take 4 weeks off in the summer. Instead, plan a family trip together and ask him to put it on his calendar. If he is not teaching each semester, he can easily take time off during spring/fall break or during summer for a longer vacation.
7. Please understand that the tenure track is a huge commitment. he just earned his tenure after working his ass off. It will take him some time to feel like he can breathe and relax!
8. It's okay to plan a getaway just for the two of you i.e. you and your kid and give him some space once in a while esp. during grant deadlines. My husband and I have taken the kids for 2-3 day trips just by one of us so the other can focus on their grant proposal and then spend more relaxed time with the kids once the stress is over!

The struggle is real! I hear you! It is hard for an academic to just shut their brain and not think of work! It takes a lot of discipline to achieve a work-life balance. All I can suggest is to take an active role in planning your family activities (something as simple as playing in the park or a board game morning) and ask your husband to join in. Or if this doesn't work, let him know that you need a few hours for yourself on Sunday and he needs to take the kid to the library or whatever so you can relax. However smart the people in academia are, when it comes to emotional intelligence, not all of them are the best at it! Hopefully, he will start to enjoy his morning Sunday routine with his family and will relax in due time and you won't have to remind him anymore.

He is TENURED now! Throw a party and let it sink in! It might help him realize that he has made it in academia and the job is secure!

 

Unfortunately, most of them do, yes. My husband started as a Post doc in healthcare 20 yrs back and now a consultant/ Professor. He works odd hours, his work is a priority. It may change when they go to little higher level and hire people to work and they supervise. But this cannot be an excuse to completely ignore the family. Its same with me, I have two boys 15 and 10 and I work full time. Fortunately, my work is flexible enough to take kids to appts, school conferences and other pick up and drop off. So, talk to him and slowly try to get him involved more with the kid. Also, you try to find people/ make friends of your kid's age so that you can have some downtime when you need to.

 

U nailed everything !!