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Husband wont send me to India-Torchur

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by thozhi4u, Jun 23, 2010.

  1. thozhi4u

    thozhi4u New IL'ite

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    Hi all,
    I need ur wise suggestions.Here is my problem...I live near chicago,USA and have 2 small kids first is 4 yr and 2nd one 2yrs .

    My husband is a very manipulative, controlling arrogant man , he has lot of anger issues...i had enough dealt with it.Now after my second delivery , i wanted to go to india but my husband wont send me .He bought the big house which he pays his 75% salary and says he cant afford our india tickets.

    I again , arranged tickets thru my father and my brother , he again tells he wont send india even if they pay...shucks i need a break right, been taking care of my small kids all alone , and also this big new house and everyday house chores besides this i need to see my parents ...they r very old and they need to see their grand son he is not understanding .he is threatening i can leave my kids here in USA and go visit india and dont come again to this house...whts all this? wont talk openly abt the problem...always tells he hardly gets leave for 15 days ,he z always working and i want to go enjoyyyyyyyy in india...come on only i had baby delivered ,not him...

    hmmm..now final threatening is, he wants to keep my daughter with him and i can go visit india and come on my parents expense.

    pllzz really i want to go to india with both of my kids and stay there for 6 months , i already have green card also.pllzzz need help...he says he will put alert in kids passports so tht i wont tke kids without his knowledge to india...i really really really feel like house arrest..here i really dont hav any friends just hi ,bye, see you , friends all coz of his lonely nature...help me with ur advice!!!!!!!pllzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
     
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  2. MULAN

    MULAN New IL'ite

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    Hi

    Saw that no one has responded. But my suggestion: Try speaking to him when he is in a good mood. Tell him you understand the responsibility and hard work he is putting for the family and you will do your part.

    Do you have some good family friends, you should let them know this, sometimes it works.

    Next you can ask your people (parents or brother) to speak to him and request him to send you and the children.

    Last but not the least you have to take help of social organisation (Indian) to help you out of this.

    Also one more idea, tell him you will do some tailoring course or something like that for 6 months in India and come back and be a help by doing tailoring for neighbourhood. I have heard in abroad you can earn quite well. This way he will realise that you also want to be a part of the financial burden of the family.

    I don't think anyone in this world has a right to run the life of another individual. Dont leave your children and go it is not good.

    Be bold, firm, polite and focussed.

    don't get impatient and tensed, as this will not help.

    Hope you Wishes come true.

    Good Luck.
     
  3. Vidya21

    Vidya21 Senior IL'ite

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    Firstly, its never a good idea to involve the parents in your marriage like this and especially so, in financial issues.

    Do you have a realistic sense of how your family is doing financially? If what he's saying is true and your family cannot afford to do it, its not really wise to ask your parents to chip in like this. Either way, its never a good idea when one spouse does not support the decision about getting financial help from someone outside your family.

    Secondly, don't just take the child and leave for India. If things turn bad in the future, you're going to be labeled as the parent who "took the kids and left..." You can't do that unless both parents agree to it.

    Why can't you invite your parents over instead?
     
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2010
  4. gayathriar

    gayathriar Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear thozhi4u, Mulan and Vidya

    I am moving this to the relationship forum as it belongs there and might fetch more response there.

    Thanks
    Gayathri.
     
  5. thozhi4u

    thozhi4u New IL'ite

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    Thks for ur suggestions guys.
    Mulan, I am talking to him very politely asbt this issue for the past 2 yrs .I even promised him , i will finish java course for 6 months and will go to job whn i return USA.
    Even my brother is requesting him for this past 2 yrs to send us for just 2 months.Even his own mother (MY MIL)and father (FIL)requested him to send us as it is difficult for me to tke cre of kids with the new house .
    He hardly has any social relationship, but have a couple of friends though who he hardly speaks...
    Anyways, will ask their parents to talk to him again...
    Vidya, i knw its not gud to involve parents after marriage but if he cant afford and if i really want to visit my sick mother then i have no way but to ask them .
    We applied visa for my mother 2 times and it was rejected.Now whn i ask him he tells me he dont want send the financial details and salary details to my family which they need to apply visa.it painful to hear whn he talks like this.
    They never ever asked him for money , but he always talks like this.
    I dont think he has any financial problems i see only his attitude problem to b frank.My daughter is 4 now and he wont even send her to preschool , i tell him in india they hav lot of gud schools affordable schools but he says she can wait till 5 for school.Im still talking to him.
    Here i have 2 friends in neighbourhood , but he talks hardly with them.He dont have any kind of social relationship coz he has inferiority complex on his looks.I have never hurted him with his looks but he himself developed this complex.
    we celebrated all of our kids b'days and house warming ceremony everything aloneeeeeee just no friends u knw, its very very difficult to live a life like this.I need a break i really miss my family in india and really want to visit them atleast and come back.
    I couldn't open up to anybody and so came to get help from u guys ...
    thks for ur reply and i will try to talk to my in-laws again.
    God bless you.
     
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2010
  6. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Whatever may be the case you both didn't have good relationship.
    That's why he worried that you won't come back and he is thinking the way you would come back to US by keeping one of the kid here.

    May be it would be good,leave your daugther here and he need to make arrangements to take care of her and you go with son that way you both get some break and that way may be things get improve.

    More than a India trip,you need to establish good environment in your home and you need to love your husband more than his weeksness.

    Beucase he knew you don't like him ,that's why he is giving you hard time.
    I know you won't have energy with small kids at home.Since you wanted to visit India badly then agree to your husband and you may relaise how hard to take care of a kids and don't worry how he is going to take care of your daughter.

    How does he behaves with the kids and does he helps you in the home?
     
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2010
  7. thozhi4u

    thozhi4u New IL'ite

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    Thks priya for ur advice.
    Sorry u really misunderstood , we r having gud relationship, i said he is an angry person , but im opposite i always stay calm, convince him.
    Apart from this problem , even though we both have negative issues we adjust and we are happy.

    yes priya he helps me feed kids dinner every night.
    Only thing bothering me and making me angry is his money-mindedness ..its growing to the extreme...
    My daughter who has to go to school is getting affected and he wont send me to india coz he thinks its a waste of expense.

    He dont have any relationship with social life coz of his complex nature , he himself says he has the problem from his teenage.

    Iam trying to help him and my family as much as possible.I always take him out and talk talk and talk all the time...

    Somethings has changed like his hitting problem is changed completely , im soo proud of him.

    But still, u knw , this india visit is bothering me soo much, i haven't seen my brother and his family who is settled in singapore for 8 yrs .ANd my mom is old and she is often getting sick, i really want to show her grandson who she has never met...hmmmm

    the point is whenever i try to speak to him abt visiting india , he wont let me speak at all...he tells no...on the top he adds leave the kids and u go and enjoy.parents are old and old people get sick always ,wht can we do for tht ...this is wht he said ...all of his talking hurted me soo much tht i really got very angry...but now im doing okay with all of ur advice.Will let u guys know whn things get better and my wishes come true.

    Thks for ur advice and fthks for all the ilites who have genuinely put time to my issue...god bless u all...
     
  8. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    If you are having normal relationship then it's extreme your husband not allowing you to india.

    So he doesn't visit his parents too right?When was the last time you visisted India?If I were in your shoes,I would leave 2 kids with father and visit my parents.

    I don't know his worries?
    Is he worried about the money or ????
    Or does he not stay alone without you???

    If his main worry is about the money,since your brother going to arrange the ticket then leave the kids and visit India.I am not sure how he is going to manage 2 kids?Even if he hire nany,with that nanny cost he could send kids to India with you right.

    Anyhow it's his issue.Or does he worry that you won't come back.I am not sure what insecurity he had in mind though.Good think you are not feeling with your relationship and that's good thing.

    May be you are not aware of,you might have some phycological issues.

    Because my BIL never sent my co-sister to her parents house.He simply can't.You need to understand the real issue.
     
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2010
  9. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    What you have mentioned does not come close to a good relationship,he saying he will not allow you, you feeling caged, he saying he will file a complaint and not allow you to return back, all this is not signs of healthy relationship

    If he has money issues he would still try to send you somehow if he is good husband like you borrowing money from your father he repaying it back or he trying to do something else, to go to India how much is that one needs in air fare ? again one can buy a one way ticket to divide the cost over some months, I dont think it is money issue, it is more of his dominant personality .

    You are nice and hence you are justifying his actions, but if you see as an outsiders, this is not a healthy set up...

     
  10. neha1

    neha1 Silver IL'ite

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    I completely agree with tridev. You are failing to see his personality. There is more to this that what you state,I feel. He may be having some other reason in mind or the relationship between the two of you is completely lacking in terms of trust and understanding.

    Talk to him once more. Put your plans in place and tell him your plans.I would say,just go ahead with your tickets. Since you already have your GC,legally,nothing should stop you from returning. Tell your husband that tickets are booked for whatever date and leave. He is just controlling you. I think we should not be controlling spouses on when to visit family/talk to family.

    Let us know how things progress.
     

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