Husband ...very independent...Why am I hurt?

chaya32 · Apr 30, 2010

Hi Ladies,

I am married for a year.My husband is a great guy.But am facing a weird feeling.
Why am I hurt?
* He keeps searching for trips and the talk is on about the trip(1 way only).Suddenly I see a mail in my inbox at work...The tickets and reservation are mailed.
* He keeps talking about doing an MBA,when I give a suggestion for anything, he says...dont bother Im just ranting about nothing kind of talk...
But all of a sudden I see an email about GMAT registeration.
* Suddenly starts talking about apartments /houses and when I contribute, he says naah..we ll see when time comes.
* I needed a US visa, as Im a PR of Canada...all of a sudden one day I see an appointment booked for me with the US Consulate and a trip too later.
now thats my passport...I need to decide whether its the right time to go..since I had already been denied an entry once...
* One day I cried to him saying I feel lonely at times , since it was my first 7 months in a foreign country..I never crib bu that night it just came out.The next day morning he boos an India ticket for 2 months. Yes he s sweet..love him..but just ask me whether these dates are ok..whether I really want to go now?

There are many things like this which kind of happens everyday. Its starting to get on my nerves.
First thing..I thought I have speak to him..and I did..he says "Oh my god..you are the queen of the house..you are the homemaker..what do I do..I keep telling you everything..he does not see my point of view that I need to be considered before shelling out money and making a decision.Just ask..Im going to do this...is it ok? I need to be CONSIDERED.

He sent my first salary to my parents when I got a job..It was such a sweet gesture..BUT what pisses me off is...he logs into my bank account and just sends it before my eyes.

The Problem:
I know he s being sweet and everything. But this behavior makes me insecure.Today he s doing the right things...he has not made a wrong step but i cannot let this happen.
He just takes my salary from my account with full rights...he just assumes that for his MBA we will take 30000 dollars loan from my credit account...I dont mind doing anything for him but the point here is I need to be involved.

How do I handle this?I have a great relationship with him otherwise..but I m scared if I keep nagging him he ll start hating me.Im a 21st century girl.I was bought up like him.I had more independence at home than any guy.I want things to be equal. He says he gives equality.But, den why do I see his urge to pay and finalise decisions without having a word with me.

Does this happen to you all too?
Thanks in advance

asuitablegirl · Apr 30, 2010

No, this does not happen to me, as you asked in your post. Why? Because although I LOVE the OCCASIONAL SURPRISE..... I would not like my life to be decided for me every single time.

Chaya, there's two sides to this. One side could be that your hubby is used to being independent and is just making these decisions on autopilot. Perhaps he is thinking he is doing you a favor by not burdening you with all the decisions and details. And of course with the India tickets, I'm sure he had a good heart in trying to cheer you up. Since you've only been married a year, it's possible he has not fully adapted yet to thinking as a 'team'.

The darker, more sinister possibility, is that he is a control freak and does not respect your feelings.

However, let's not jump to conclusions, because your dh sounds like an otherwise good guy. :thumbsup

So sit him down and tell him how much you love him. Let him know how you never worry for anything because he takes care of all the details. Tell him you appreciate all he has done for you to make this first year of marriage a happy one. BUT that you would like to start being involved in the decisions BEFORE they are made. Explain to him that you'd like to start working as a team and deciding TOGETHER what/when/how things should be done, ESPECIALLY if the decisions are very important (i.e. like the $30,000 loan!). Remind him that you've asked for this in the past, but this time you'd really like him to try what you're saying and make an effort to involve you. Don't say: "You never involve me!!" Instead try: "Hubby, I'd love to be involved more often in the decision making. What do you think ?"

Everyone has issues in the first year or so of marriage. This just happens to be YOUR issue. Stay cool and realize working issues out in a marriage is a journey, not a destination.

rosegirl · Apr 30, 2010

WOW ..... this is weird.
He is very very proactive and you need to stop him and make him understand that you are his wife and not his daughter.Men usually discuss things with the wife but decide for the daughter.He should discuss and not decide.
He seems nice, so have a soft and cool chat about how u want to decide along with him. Just like him, you have preferences too, like which airlines u want go in, which vacation u want to go, which cruise u want to take etc. If he does not consider that then you need to explain it to him.
I am sure he will totally understand. :thumbsup

Foundlove · Apr 30, 2010

I will definitely see a red flag.No this is not normal.

You just need to have a talk with him.Do tell him that you love him but in the same sense you want to be involved in the day to day activities.

I am sure he will understand.

If such a thing happens again juast say clamly "sweety I would appreciate if you asked me first.I love you to death but would you like if I did the same for you."

I am sure he will understand.

FL

chaya32 · Apr 30, 2010

Hi Ladies,

Thank you so much for replying.Havent been able to concentrate on work cos this has been worrying me so much.

As asuitablegirl says : I am facing difficulties entering into the marriage life. Its like sweet and sour mixtures.He is nice,very caring but I feel he wants to take decisions by himself.

As you all have adviced..I will talk to him this week and slowly put the matter up.
But, since I am working only for 2-3 months now...I dont want him to think Im saying all this because I work now.
Im just curious..how do you all manage your accounts?Do you have seperate accounts or joint account.Since Im seeing his nature to be controlling at times, I want to start the practice of having our seperate accounts as it is and a joint account for the family so that I can have my own savings and we take joint decisions regarding the expenses that we put into the joint account. If I need to start this practice,I need to start early ..I cant let it to continue like now to go on for a year and then ask that we make a seperate joint account.
So when do I spk about this?Few months later or get it sorted with this issue when I talk to him this week.

God!I feel so scared to take a step or ask anything as I feel scared I ll ruin my marriage or peace.Maybe Im just imagining too much