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Husband Too Emotional For His Family

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Goahead, Mar 24, 2020.

  1. Goahead

    Goahead Silver IL'ite

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    My husband is totally into his mom/father and SIL ...His folks realize that and play double standards with me.Nice in front of him and society and wicked when they find me alone.I'm not as talkative as my inlaws and is not able to reply back instantly ( very rarely) .I keep quiet most of the time and then either i sulk within or take it to husband and it breaks into a major fight .

    he has over years never felt bad for me as how his sister and mother treats me but always feel bad for them if i dnt send them a expensive gift or even make a call to them.somehow they always are more important and should be respected utterly. i should be doing everything for them and their is no point of even asking my husband if they can ever do anything for me . nor that i expect but my husband always sides with them.

    ..I kept quiet on this and let it go (as usual)

    but i have started to feel hate towards m inlaws family in 15 years as this is not the first time when they disrespect me indirectly.I actually feel that it will be better if they come straight and make it explicit that they dnt care for me. i'm not able to play the double standard game with MIL/SIL and i feel that i always loose...they come out as very nice people in front of everyone including husband and only i know what they are doing to me behind my back.

    i have also started to feel hate towards my husband as i feel he has allowed this to happen for years . Some of the times, he is just ignorant and do not know but most of the time he chose to be ignorant , keep quiet ,let it go and hide it from me and even try to save their back.Because of his behavior , they have been so openly playing this game with me fiercly. My MIL knows that she will have no consequence and will come out victorious no matter what .., same goes for my sil
    in all this situation i have started to judge my husband a lot now. I see how he behaves towards my family members versus his . For almost like 12-13 years , i never had this comparison in mind. I would actually maintain a good relationship with his extended family as well. Now i have started to feel that why should I , if he doesnt care about my family and not even understand my point of view when it comes to my MIL and SIL

    I feel that i have been keeping quiet for everything now and is just letting a lot of things go.In this entire thing, i'm loosing my respect and trust for him as well. I dnt share my family with his and do not want him to share his with me. i have no idea as how to control this tera - mera family scenario and become one family and keep his sister as other family...it feels like even for his sister, i cannot say anything as she is his family
    lot of you will advice me to have a good relationship with husband and have trust etc but everything else is fine in our relationship. the problem happens only when its his sister or parents .He acts foolish and is overly concerned for them to an extent that he just ignores me and mine feelings. Noting matters to him when it comes to them.he just quietly ignores everything

    is their any solution to getting him on my side ? for parents i understand to certain extent but he even sides with sister ? how come his relationship with sister is bigger than mine ?

    i can never say anything about his sister too ..even when she does mean things, i should just be quiet and pretend that nothing happened because for him she is family ....i find this really stupid...i never saw in any indian family, a situation like this where you cannot openly talk at home ,openly talk at your home about your feeling for someone from outside...he makes sure to make them as top priority and i should not be complaining about anything they do...

    now this would have been easy if our communication with them was little...when there is so much interference and involvement , then ofcourse i feel that i need to be able to speak up the truth about them,..how can i just see someone playing double standard all the time and be quiet in my own home?

    i have failed in 15 years in this relationship where he would stand up for my dignity and respect ....i feel that 15 years was enough for someone to understand but since he has never understood and has not stopped taking hs folks side, never stood up for my dignity , it will never change
    infact it has just become the opposite where no one says anything...at forst i used to say openly what i feel about his mom or sister when they would be mean and now i keep quiet for 1. no fights at home 2. he will not understand if he havent in 15 years

    what can i do > since i do suffer internally
     
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2020
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  2. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    Do you live in joint family? If not can you just stay neutral when you meet occasionally? Behave as they don’t exist after basic hello.
    Most of the People will not change, unless it is for their own benefit, they are going to be like that only. You have to learn not to react for everything coming from their side. Tough but try if needed take a break from people now and then by going to parents place, do read some books/videos on how to deal with difficult people.
     
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2020
  3. apeksha85

    apeksha85 New IL'ite

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    Ahh looks like u just wrote my heart...god bless u and good luck !
     
  4. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    People don't change .

    if they are tactful, you be tactful. just do not over think. if they treat you bad , ignore or respond immidietly with a style that puts them in their place. but most important, do not overthink about it. . most of the time , the stress is because we overthink about it by making scenarios in our mind. but not loose your self respect.

    have your self respect . point is to be respectful. Be kind also. grudges , do not work and hurts you more than them.
    it is a balance.
     
    rashdes02 and Amica like this.
  5. pinky18

    pinky18 Senior IL'ite

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    It's been 15 years and he is not respecting you PRESENCE in relationship. I really feel sorry for you. It's very normal for toxic people to look for weak prey and you could be for them as you always been silent and keep doing thing to make them happy. 1st thing time is precious property we have and we could decide ON whome and how much time we want to spend. If they took expensive gifts , your husband's attention that's fine , give them but dont give your time.
    Engage your self in something which you love and spend time on it , whatever brings positivity in you. If 15 years didnt made any change in your HUSBAND towards you why you wasting your time. Look within you what you missing AS PERSON. Explore your SELF and get rid of DEPENDENCY on your husband. Keep your SELF active and happy from inside that nothing going outside bothers you . Let you husband spend more time with his family , you do what you like , if you feel like talking to you MIlL or SIL talk but if you dont feel or they belittle you ignore them. And show your HUSBAND your clear boundaries what you can take or not take from him. Being too kind and empathetic could be more damage to your self sometime.. nothing is wrong BEING selfish among selfish people. Wish you very good luck. Be brave.
     
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  6. meenu2020

    meenu2020 Senior IL'ite

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    It seems like your story is similar to mine.Only thing is if you are not living with your in-laws, you can keep a formal relationship with them for sake of your husband, at back of your husband you should learn to respond their taunts at the same time., Don't leave the matter for husband to deal with..if someone did not change in last 15 years...then don't waste your time to change him.learn to enjoy yourself....Do things which keep you happy and engaged.have some hobbies....if you are working then make friends and plan events with them, just be happy and look happy.If you look happy he will definitely want to join you. last but not least please don't overthink about it, that way you are effecting your mental health, you cant change people, only thing you can change is the way you live and think.good luck.
     
  7. rashdes02

    rashdes02 New IL'ite

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    This is exactly my story written out aptly!

    I had and still have similar situatio . I don't understand when SIL gets treated the same way its pain but when MILs do something disgusting its just their responsibility to tell it or what ever.
    Don't care for such idiotic people I know its really hard to do that. Do what you like and never allow anyone to disrespect you which starts from your self respect. They are poking their noses into your affair as they feel in a way it other inferior to you. Don't stop being your self.. its the art of doing and never expecting from stupid pp. l
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2020
  8. Rose03

    Rose03 Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Op , I had the same issue , and even now but has reduced a lot . I clearly told my husband that I am a strong girl come from strong background unlike his . I bent for everything and suffered internally . But gave back to my Husband and I firmly told him that I do not want to do . I realised many times I should have spoke up before instead of suffering internally .
     
  9. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Silver IL'ite

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    Good that it works for you. But doesnt work in all homes when people are toxic. They will abuse more for giving it back n not obeying to their rules. Very sad state of affairs! It's difficult to reason with toxic people. N more difficult to ignore their toxic Behaviour for lifelong knowing that they will never change.
    I guess leaving is only option which most women don't wish to as by default we try to save marriage at the expense of our emotional n mental wellbeing.
     
  10. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    I feel you should defend yourself to establish your dignity when MIL or SIL ridicules you. If your husband were to question that attitude, you mention to him, "You are there to defend them but there is no one to defend me". I know you don't like to break your good relationship with your husband but this feeling has to be mutual. You have to ask him, "Did I ever compromise defending your dignity in conversation with others?" I know it is difficult to do but you are going to have to do it if you like to redefine your relationship with him and fix this problem after 15 years.

    Moreover, you need to understand if your husband were to visit your parents, they would treat him like a king and ask him how he would feel if they were to treat him badly. Make him realize that being in that position is difficult in the long run especially when you need to have a good relationship with your husband. You tell him if your parents were to treat him badly, you would jump in to tell them that they should change for good and treat him with respect. Therefore, you expect him to do the same with his mother and sister.

    Frankly, I feel you let yourself into this position by not defending yourself. Your reactions are internal to you and not everyone is focused on what you are thinking in your head unless you spell it out. Understand that fixing this problem is in the best interest of your marriage and not otherwise. A constantly thinking about this emotion will damage your relationship with your husband in the long run.
     
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