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Husband regrets marriage with me

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by riya123, Apr 25, 2010.

  1. Bts

    Bts Junior IL'ite

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    Well PStar... loved your reply.. i was reading it again and again.. u have written in such a manner that even a dumbhead like me could understand well. wish someone told me all this years back .. would have saved me loads of tears
    :bonk
     
  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Riya,

    Could you explain what way he wanted to take care of his mom?Does he wanted to bring his mom to US or ?
    Even my husband had asked several times to take care of his mom.They wanted to make sure still there wifes are sumbissive or not.That's why they bring up the topic here and then.In reality that will never happened.All the time plans have changed.So you need to know is he talking about current or about the future.
    Once your kid will grow,you will regain physical and mental capacity and that time the bond also improve between both of you.Until then stay calm.
    It does look to me your husband is a bad man and he has common complexity which lot of men have is there mom.
    If you don't act negavtice for there mom ,then they will be very nice to you and sometimes they can support you too_Only thing don't talk to them on there moms.
    I don't know how old is your MIL.How long they are going to stay on this earth?Yeah the things they make made us to think like that.What to do.
    But whatever your MIL did are very trivial things compared to some other MIL.So think that way.
    First I wanted to know what way he wanted you to take care of his mother.Do they wanted to visit you guys now.Then it's not a good idea at all.Because you are at home and they will show you movie.

    when he bring up your SIL topic then you need phrase something diplomatically and that should made him never compare you with your SIL.
    Suppose if you MIL comes here,keep some small recorder with you and if she says any hurtful words ,record it and show it to your husband.
    Start being a good home maker and see things will improve and also start looking for work.
     
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2010
  3. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Riya

    You reminded me of this poster http://www.indusladies.com/forums/m...-again-the-same-old-thing-17.html#post1174380 I would want you to read the posts under this thread and analyse what are the similarities and how much struggle you have to go through if you want to pursue something against your husbands' wishes.

    Also You have to change your attitude if you want to be in this marriage. First of all you should develop a no nonsense attitude and start acting as if you are on HIS side and that there is no problem for you in taking care of his parents/sis.

    Are you expecting Thank you from such people who give stale food to their own DIL?? Now I would blame you as you did not set right your expectations.

    Thank yous wont work in DIL-Parent inlaws culture. If you have not realised it till now after all tehse years of drama thats going in your marriage and that too after your husband asked you to leave teh house, still if you think your present behaviour can help...am sorry to say it wont:hide: STOP expecting from your inlaws. DO whats your duty/responsibility. Dont try to show that you are on a diff. team. ACT as if you are part of the family. The more you resist your inlaws, your husband would put more pressure on you.

    Right now, if you want to save this marriage or BE in this marriage..the option you have is...you have to BEND DOWN and atleast SAY yes i would take care of your mom as and when required. If you fight against your husbands wishes do you think he would support you?? If you think why should you give up? or take careof his parents when they didnt take care of you or your kid etc, be prepared to fight with your husband all life long on this matter as he wont accept his parents wrong doings and also it might cost you your marriage.

    Change in attitude and change in the way you are dealing with your husband is required here. Stubbornness or back questioning/answering your husband wouldnt work at all
     
  4. Varloo

    Varloo Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Riya,
    it is very unfortunate that Indian men have not grown up even in this century. You are getting good advise/suggestions from our friends here. First of all, think about what you want to do, try to save this marriage or just walk out.Talk to your parents and then decide. You can be financially independent, that is for sure. If you plan to get out, you will face problems alright, life is not easy for everyone.
    I feel that you could try to show your love to your husband and not talk about his mother. Srividhya and pstar had given excellent tips, try them. First of all try to keep calm always and keep your mind really happy. Your child is there for you, take care of it well.I pray that God resolves the problems and gives peace to you.
     
  5. Varloo

    Varloo Gold IL'ite

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    Hi pstar,
    I smiled first when I read your post then it made me think also. This is a good way of giving tit for tat. Nice post!
     
  6. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    If Ria husband wanted to take care of his parents can't he do it?Why does he have to check with his wife.it means his expecations from wife are stop working and do service for them and take abuse from that.That's what it is.If he wanted to take care of his parents genuinely then he should have civil talk with his wife and not demanding talk.Oh if you don't take then I will seperate.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 26, 2010
  7. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    About taking care of parents..... why is it that so many guys are gung ho about taking care of their parents.... but rarely do it themselves? Most of the time "taking care of their parents" means making their wives do the work. If parents gave education, upbringing and all that, then why can't these guys step in and make a meal for their parents? Or take their parents to doctor visits? Or help their parents out with chores? I fail to see why a son's responsibility towards his parents is met, simply by offloading the work to his wife. How is that any different than hiring a maid or live in nurse?

    Like in Riya's case... if this guy is so obsessed with taking care of his mom, why can't he go do it? If she is such an angel to serve, he should have no problem handling her then, right? Sorry to say, parents, children, whatever we are.... we are all a dime a dozen. Billions of people raise children, it's no guiness book of world record feat. If parents want to be taken care of, they should treat not only their own child with courtesy and care, but their child's spouse as well. So many Indian parents fail to realize that a son and his spouse are a PACKAGE deal. In Riya's case, her mil does everything she can to stir the pot. After all this, how could Riya or any other lady in a similar situation give a damn about their mil?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 26, 2010
  8. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    (A) I think that it is a SON'S or a DAUGHTER's PERSONAL responsibility to take care of their parents. That means that offloading the work to a spouse is not exactly equal to being responsible.

    (B) However, if the husband is working full time and the wife is at home, then is it not common sense that she has a more flexible schedule and will probably have the time to take them to doctor's appointments and so on? If she is cooking for 4 people, say, then is it going to be a bigger deal to cook for 2 more? Secondly, if the wife does not want to HELP her hubby take care of his parents, then she should not complain if he takes time off from work and this, in turn, affects his job / career. I am a very practical person. My approach to this issue would be to hire a maid or a nanny and have the stay-at-home spouse supervise this caregiver. That way, the wife is not over-stretched and burdened by the care of her in-laws and the husband is able to go about his work in peace knowing that his parents are taken care of. This, of course, holds true for the wife where HER parents are concerned, too. The husband, in this situation, should also help HER and support HER in the care of HER parents, too. This is despite the personal equations one has with one's in-laws.

    Yes, he should. But if his caretaking of her takes up tonnes of his time and results in affecting his career, then she shouldn't complain about it. One cannot have one's cake and eat it too. Marriage is about give-and-take and compromises. If one does not want to help one's spouse, then one must necessarily deal with the consequences, come what may.

    They don't have to give a damn. That is not what I am saying. But they shouldn't have a problem if their husbands give a damn - which they will. Blood is always thicker than water. I know of a couple of women out here whose husbands want to return to India and their wives are fighting tooth and nail against this decision. One of them has two sisters who each take turns caring for HER parents, while she financially supports them. Her husband, on the other hand, is an only child and wants to move back home to be there for HIS folks - not live WITH them but near to them and she won't have any of it. Her reasoning? This is where we work and live, this is where OUR daughter will be most comfortable, so this is where we should stay, who cares about your folks? The truth is that HE does and their marriage life is suffering as a result. The other one has a single brother - he is in his 40s and plans to never marry - so all is fine with HER folks and she does not wish to help her in-laws for the same reason above. In addition, she is fighting with her hubby because he wants to move HIS parents here on green cards. He is a VP at a Fortune 50 company and can easily afford their medical and other expenses here but the wife simply sees no reason why they should move here. Instead, she wants them to go to an old-age home in India. Result? Her married life is beginning to get bitter, too.

    All I am saying is that one should be reasonable and DIPLOMATIC when dealing with issues of caregiving to in-laws. As I said, blood IS thicker than water and wives MAY win the battle to prevent husbands from helping their parents but it usually comes at a steep price. Just see how Riya's husband is viewing her and her refusal to care for his mom, even though MIL is obviously a trouble-maker and a ne'er-do-well. You win some, you lose some, so you should pick your battles wisely. Caregiving to his parents is NOT one of these.

    JMO.
     
  9. ananthy

    ananthy Senior IL'ite

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    dear Riya,

    first of all calm down. i am sorry about the happenings.

    was there any fight between both of you ? such things like "i have regretted marrying you", "i hate you", "marrying you was the biggest mistake of my life" etc. etc. are mostly said when one is extremely angry. even i use very harsh language when i get angry but never mean it. once the anger is gone i feel very bad for what i have said. may be he too said it out of anger or irritation due to the fight.

    i have already said this is before that trying to fight against in-laws (MIL/SIL etc) is a waste. it just doesn't work especially when the husband is a momma's boy. instead one should focus on how to get close to the husband. you should also do the same. your in-laws have been giving you trouble so that you show your negative side to your husband and they have been fully successful so far. it is upto you to handle things intelligently here onwards. you know your husbands likes and dislikes. just do your best in regaining that love. good advices have been already given by our ILites. show your positive side to your husband. never show your negative side.

    also one more very important thing. physical relationship is very important in any marriage. if it has taken a backseat in your case then try to regain the whole thing as soon as possible. men may not admit it openly but lack of physical relationship makes them irritated like anything:rant. we are left wondering what is the reason for their sudden weird behavior. so try to work on it asap. (i am saying this assuming that you are trying to save your marriage).

    regarding your career thing, this is one of the main reasons why i always say that it is better to marry a guy who honestly says before marriage that he wants a non-working wife/housewife, than to marry someone who speaks so much about career oriented wife only to force her to leave her aspirations after marriage. my elder sister (cousin) faced the same situation. she too left her job and became a housewife because of a non-supportive husband. but she is not regretting it since she could take better care of her children than her MIL and hired nanny. only her husband is regretting because her additional salary was very useful in times of business running low. but my sister was like "you only told me to leave my job no.... now suffer". so dont worry. just enjoy time with your kid.

    cheers.
     
  10. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    I guess here in Riyas case, when she was in India with her inlaws, she did take care of them, however they treated her and her new born kid very badly by not even letting her use the regular appliances at home which would make the work easier, or by not giving proper food and cutting off her access to food, now she is with her husband in USA. So sitting miles away from her inlaws, if her husband pesters her to take care of his parents, in what way he expects her to take care of them? also if his mom falls sick, does the OP have to give up her school or job and fly to India and take care of such inhuman inlaws?? who give stale food to DIL???

    I guess OPs case is totally different than what we are talking about when it comes to caring inlaws. Yes, she can arrange for help but forcing her to be present and take that mental tortue in the name of helping her inlaws is not really acceptable. Why go to such people when we know our life would be miserable? rather arrange for a maid and let the maid take care of such people as they dont know how to behave well with their DIL.
     
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2010

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