husband not talking

dear ayesha,
i 'm very happy to see a smile on your face though it's a little pale.don't worry.
life is like that. isn't it? be optimistic always.
regards............suminanda

 

Dear Ayesha,

I read ur mail & all the replies. I am very very happy that u have solved ur problem but as Manju says " Why always women should compromise??????????????"

Let it be a women who is a housewife or a career oriented women , A women can have a peaceful life only if she says ok to whatever in-laws/husband says.

I have been so soft all my life & say "yes yes to everything" .

Ultimately u should be happy . That's all Ayesha. you should not strain ur relationship at least for ur kid's sake.

As Piu said u can't separte a Mom & Dad. Sriniketan has said so well.

Prabha

 

Ayesha,

It's not always about Compromise!, its also about doing what is right and
from your mail, it seems like you have done the 80% right thing.

Maybe when your husband was giving you a lecture on Family bonding, you
could have also subtly told him that all that is fine provided the same also
apply to the wife family,in terms of I mean, you visiting your family or any
relative of yours coming to stay for such long durations.

Anyhow, all's well that end's well. Have a good life and best of luck to you!!

Warm Regards
Anita

 

I have to say that Pia has given you wonderful advises here. I am sure your own parents or siblings would have told you the same, if you would have gone to them for help. I don't know why most women feel and tell "why should I compromise". That is unless the husband is not abusing the wife physically. Believe me I have had worser problems where another girl was involved after me delivering my first baby - it was only after 2 years of our married life. It is very difficult and tough to compromise - I understand because I have experienced more than what you are going through. But look at life - we are compromising in every possible step of life. Why should we NOT compromise with somebody whom we love. Why should we not take the first step to leading a healthy family life. It definitely hurts the ego initially and it takes a long time to get used to this kind of lifestyle. But believe me this really works. As Pia said, over a period of time you will either start understanding eachother's feelings or your expectations about him will reduce - which is tremendously helpful. You start looking at things in a lighter sense of life.

It is only his sister he is bringing into the house. And she will be there only for some time and she has a right to come to her mother's house for delivery. You would also want to go to your mother's house for delivery (I feel) - so be a little open-minded in this case. Moreover you are a working lady, who will not spend much time at home. So you will not become a full time servant maid to your SIL - don't worry about it. Just go with the flow and see how wonderful things will turn out at a later point of time.

Situations will not be same all the time. At some point of time, for all you know, your husband may realise and advise his sister. Why would you want to spoil your relationship with your husband for other's sake. Don't ever think of moving out of the house. That should be the last option on your list. There are so many options you can use to sort out these matters. Keep your parents informed - but don't bring them into the scene. It will only worsen things up. Just think like this - when you bring your parents for talking, if he says he will prefer his mother and sister more than you, what will you do? Your child needs a father, more than you needing a husband. Be careful.

Now that you have settled things with your husband, let go of all these ego and pride. And be a little less possessive about your husband - love him loads. Think not only for yourself, but for the child also. There is no losing or winning in marriage. It is not a competition held to see, who is dominating whom? We live in harmony with the people whom we love in marriage. I hope I am not giving you too much lecture. Anyway "All the best".

 

Dear Ayesha and others,

I just saw this thread, sorry for not going through it earlier.

As Pia has said a Mom and Dad cannot be separated, only a husband and wife can be separated.

If many of the couples going in for the divorce understand this and behave accordingly then there will be many more happy families in the world.
Only wives can and will compromise because they are an emotional lot. Their heart speaks first and their head later. We listen to what our heart tells first and do accordingly.

That's what Ayesha has done. She had become possessive of her family, her husband and her kid and her house etc. But what she forgot was that it was also SIL's brother's house and also her Mom's house.

Mom's house, where one spends so many years cannot be forgotten as soon as you marry and get out, Ayesha? Why did that feeling come to you? Were you not welcome at your Brother's place? or did your SIL also show possessiveness there, even if she didn't tell you so in words?

It is nice to hear that you have reconciled with your husband and are happy now. GOD BLESS YOU DEAR.

Love
Latha :wave

 

"Mom and Dad cannot be separated"

I DO NOT agree with this quote!!

You are a WOMAN and a MAN first. Being parents does not mean giving up your identity. Yes, we all take on a huge responsibility when we become parents. To love the child, to give him/her a home with a lot of love and support, to raise them as good citizens, to help them in their difficult times, etc........nowhere has it been written that to do all this, you have to be a couple living under one single roof. You can offer all this to your child as two separate, responsible individuals.

Why is it always the woman's responsibility to make sure the house and family is intact JUST because you have a child? As a dad, it is his responsibility too. Ayesha mentioned in one of her posts that her husband mentioned that she can live on her own and he will VISIT her and THEIR child once a month. What kind of a responsible father says that?

Someone told Ayesha that a man will have his other relations. Of course he does, but nothing is more important than HIS wife who left her family for him and HIS child whom he helped give birth to. Since when did the woman become soley responsible for the child??

In her last post, Ayesha is as frustrated as she was in her first post and this is not about her having issues with her SIL. This is about him thinking it's THEM vs HER and this will never change. She will always be the outsider.

Giving up self respect, apologizing like a 2 year old all the time, having to listen to MIL and SIL all the time, do you all call this life?? This is not a compromise, this is the death of an individual.....the individual our parents gave birth to, raised and educated and lovingly got married to a man thinking he will keep her happy!!

She is earning as much as he does. Indian law treats a man and woman equally, then why the hell should she live like this?? The society does not care when you are going through hard times....they will just watch the drama and have fun. Stand up for yourself and make a decision. If you stay separated for a few months, he might know your value and come back to you. If he does not, then there you go......you have a definite answer as to what your place is in his life!! Move on....

 

Hi,

Yours is not a healthy way of keeping a family together. You are not thinking of saving the marriage. It is very easy to get separated for silly misunderstandings. But it is very difficult to maintain a marriage.

Making up is always difficut and trying, breaking is very easy. I have maintained my relationship with all ups and downs for the past thirty years. I do not have any regret towards that. Giving in to someone you love is not bad. It is not just for the family's sake. It is for your sake too.

Love
Latha :wave

 

Latha!! You cannot generalize that people get separated for SILLY reasons. You cannot comment on someone's decision to separate without knowing fully well what that person has gone through. Today, I might come across in my posts as a very carefree female, but I have gone through hell to get here and am extremely happy today. So, dont ever tell anyone they are getting separated for "silly" reasons, No one goes through a divorce for fun!!


And as for you living in the marriage for 30 years and compromising and being happy, well good for you. People will give this for you :clap.

I don't need this :clap or :bang. What me and my son need are this and we have a lot of it today!!

 

Dear.

Sorry , I didn't mean to hurt you and I never knew that you were single or otherwise.

I just wrote a reply, that's all, about what I felt. I know some who have divorced due to silly misunderstandings. They could have clarified and cleared their problems, if they had taken some trouble.

But If you are happy with your single status with your son , then you should have suffered that much. I am sorry to hear that.

Love
Latha