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husband not talking

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ayeshanaaz, Sep 28, 2007.

  1. suminanda

    suminanda New IL'ite

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    dear ayesha,
    i understand your situation and your grief. really this is embarassing.
    why this married girl doesn't stay in her house? is she a pet of your mil and her brother? certain people are like this. they don't understand the feelings of others and don't mind causing inconveniences to others.

    dear ayesha,why can't you stay somewhere else,i mean a hostel or a very near relative's house till this problem is solved?

    are you financially independent?if so don't hesitate to talk to your mil and husband that you can't tolerate further ad that you are moving out. as you plan to do let the elders also involve in this and find a permanent solution...pray to god......everything will be ok.........luv from suminanda:)

    dear diana,
    your question is very relevant....but what to do? if you think your individuality and self is being questioned repeatedly,why can't you leave him and live separately? i think there is provision under the law for a "Judicial Separation'
    which is not a "divorce'. even divorce is not treated bad now a days.

    peace of mind is the most important thing in our life. if we do not get it.........

    be brave .you analyse the problems and situations,options and alternatives

    and then decide whether to continue or not.... love..............suminanda
     
  2. pia123

    pia123 New IL'ite

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    Dear Ayesha,
    I am very sorry about the situation. I know how stressful and not a happy situation that could be. I understand your anger and disappointment. It is totally justified. Any women in this situation, will be act and feel just like you. I don;t want to quitjust by feeling sorry for your situation thereby adding only more fuel to the fire. You have asked for help, so I would like to be on your side and think along with you, and if possible arrive at some possible solution.
    First let's take this entire situation as someone else's problem another husband and wife's problem, so that we can analyse the situaion calmly and rationally and not letting our emotions to rule our decisions.
    Assuming, that the wife extended her feeling to her husband, and nothing good came out of it, so parents and other elders' of the family and brought in to interfere. In this situation, what possible solutions can they arrive at.
    (1) Both the husband and Mil being forced to send the SIL out of the house , not to mention the hard-bitter feelings towards the wife. Wife has a sign of relief, and unfortunately that will be for short while, because the SIL is back for her delivery. Or even the SIL 's inlaws take care of the deliver, the SIL is boumd to pay small short visits here with her new addition every now and then. this did not take care of the probelm entirely, Did it?? It is like only clearing- weed . You can have freedom from between during the treatments and then again after a shortwhile it reappears again.
    (2) another outcome could be, both MIL and Husband denying any charges of SIL being here all the time, and belaming it over wife that she is only blowing out the situation out of proportion and hence dismissing the case once for all, and so the saaga continues again.... right, Or else both husband and MIL very daringly and heartlessly saying that no matter what SIL will be here or pay visits often and back her, and throwing out undesired solution of wife being out of the house. Possible right.

    If you look at both the cases, the Husband was never for the wife and wife's feelings throught out the ordeal. Moreover he was looking at her as the opponent all the time. Also this add more suport to the MIL group by accepting that the husband i on the other side only. is what we have to want?? Is the wife ready for any outcome?? If yes, Then we have to mentally prepare ourselve and get in to it.
    --Personally I am not for this. My goal and wish is that the wife and husband live together in the same house happily. For this we need, the grace of god along with abundant amounts of patience and understanding. My suggestion is a time taking soltuion. I beielve it might work. Here it goes...
    The wife if possible should either willing or unwillingly support her husband in every action he does. Do not question whether he is doing right or not, right now. Just by going along with him, we can ensure
    (1) He is not on their side only for sure. He is not our opponent now. He is in our group.
    (2) Very importantly, gain his trust and love back, which is the important ingredient needed, for the wife's family's well being.
    Having gained his trust and love , or somehwere near that mark, now either the wife gets used to the fact, that the house does not function without SIL's presence, though not a desired outcome, but family's peace not affected and wife plan's her everystep accordingly, so not much expectation so no disspointment.
    Or, she will now be able to work her charms on him and gain the desired result. Either way MOM and DAD are there for the kid, family is intact and working towards happiness.
    I know this is not an easy and surely time taking. But arent's result are the intended ones. EITHER KEEP THINGS UNDER CONTROL OR BE UNDER ONE for the bigger picture of Family's well being. Eventhough we are financially independent, we ar still slave to emotions and sensitivity.
    Hope I helped. My 2 cents
    regards
    pia
     
  3. Amicable

    Amicable Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Ayesha,
    I am sorry to hear your problem. There are lots of women who are going through the same situation. Even I have somebody who's inteference making my life disturb. I did everything to convience my husband but all in vain, he doesn't care even if this marriage fall apart. So, what happend in the end, I have to welcome this person to save my own marriage. Society always expect women should compromise always. Because we Indians always believe in strong marriage relationship regardless what happen in home.

    Coming to your situation, sounds like your relationship with your husband is good ,except this sister in law presence bothering you alot. Since you are working, you have lots of time for your own and when you come home spend more time with your son and do your daily chorus, you usually do. You are lucky your parents live nearby, you can visit them on weekends. Yes, it can give you the feeling of insecurity but its all temprory, once your sister in law will deliver the baby and leave, she will get more busy with two kids and may not able to come to your house frequently.

    You can discuss your problem with your parents and look for others options. My personal experience bringing elders to solve the sitatuion won't help, this may damage your relationship with your husband and in laws. I also discussed with my inlaws but got a blunt answer. So things never changed and I still live with it for the sake of my marriage. Hope, you will come up with right decission. Take care.
     
  4. supermom

    supermom New IL'ite

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    Looks like you've already made up your mind to tackle the issue as you want it by involving elders .. but remember why would your husband care about what your elders think ?

    Obviously, your SIL is a dog's tail story..since u mentioned that she went out of your house after a big fight and the fact that she is back again and again doesnt mean she has any shame..

    The situation is dicy and if fighting is worse, Keeping mum is Worst . Somebody has to break the ice.. it depends on the personalities involved. Have you ever had a 'mum' fight like this in 3 yrs of marriage or this is the first time?

    As you said, you love ur hubby and want to be with him, then learn to take him on your side. Put aside your ego, and as aarushi said write him an email explaining why u did what u did. Only the two of you can decide how to tackle it.

    good luck, keep us posted on the new developments.

    -------------------------------

    HTML:
    The only mistake i hate is SPELLING mistake:tongue 
     
  5. ayeshanaaz

    ayeshanaaz Junior IL'ite

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    Dear All,

    I am indeed, blessed to have friends like you!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you very much for understanding me & helping me analyze what is right for me.

    Dearest Pia, I really have no words to thank you for giving me such wonderful advice. I am overwhelmed with the kind of detailed response you have given and sparing so much time on my problem. I have applied your advice exactly as you said and I want you to know that it really works.

    After reading you post, i decided not to involve my parents in it. I myself spoke to my husband.....(to my surprize, he gave me a very good reponse, as I had initiated to talk after a long time..............). I told him that I was there with him & his family.......and will look forward to welcome my SIL for the next 6 months, provided she will not interfere in our privacy and once after 6 months she will keep her visits as limited as possible. He immediately agreed to this, thanked me and also took me to out for dinner and gave a long lecture on family bonding ...etc.

    I know I had to give in, to maintan that peace at home. He looked sooo happy yesterday. but friends I am not happy with what I have done, I will hate every moment my SIL will spend in my house. But I had no options, I have to save my marraige .. as sumi said. Also because I love him so much and emotionally dependent on him.

    Sometimes I feel so disgusted being woman and the situations we are put in, & asked to compromise just because I am woman:bang . I, being Independent, earning a very good Salary.. contributing equally at home......and still cannot take the decisions that I want, cannot feel at home even in the so called MY HOME.

    Thank u all for the tremendous support!!!!!!!

    Regards
    Ayesha
     
  6. pia123

    pia123 New IL'ite

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    Hi Ayesha
    You seem to be very happy to see a smile on your hubby's face and not to mention the fact that you guys had a good time. I am very happy for you. I also know that behind this happiness , a thought of you giving - in, is pricking you soemwhere. Don' t think, not only because you are woman that you are doing this, you would have done this, even if you are man. Ask yourself and I think you will agree. That is our personality Ayesha. Why should you feel bad about it, somebody has to take the first step and you did it. Feel proud of yourself to do the right thing. I wouldnt have recommended this, if he had sounded mean and abusive. From your words, he seem to be a nice family-oriented guy, who gives little more space to his mom and sis. Either we should get what we want or want what we get. Nobody gets anything exactly the way they wanted, so the option left is work with what you got and make or try to make it the way you want.
    And in the story, I was suggesting that the wife should not bring the parents YET, that does mean she should shut them off of this completely, she should rather keep them posted of what's going on, and if situations warrant let them get in.
    Anyways, I am truly happy for you and wish you both a good happy life together with you kid.
    bye
    pia
     
  7. Sriniketan

    Sriniketan IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Ayesha,
    From your post, I came to know the results of your 'adjustment'. very happy to learn that the things sorted out smoothly. This 'adjustment' of yours will be remembered and hailed in future. wait and see!
    wishes for a happy life!
    Sriniketan
     
  8. priyauc

    priyauc Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Ayesha,
    I am happy for you that you have amicably resolved this issue. This step of yours will be remebered by your husband, and in this way you have an upper hand in a way.At least you have shown that his sister is welcome. Once she stays with you behave nicely and be diplomatic. If she baheves badly and your husband notices it , he will realise why you have reacted like that. Also remember that the most important person in your life is him, so if you have bowed down a little for him, you do not become small. all the best.
     
  9. ayeshanaaz

    ayeshanaaz Junior IL'ite

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    Thank you sri, I hope I live upto his expectations in future also.
     
  10. manjur

    manjur Senior IL'ite

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    hi ayesha,

    i read all the posts. i think in most marriages women is the one who is making compromise for the sake of the child the husband always hold to what they say so don't think that you are alone.
    from my experience i think as everything thing is alright now keep it this way try not to get into another fight it will destroy our peace of mind and it is not worth it.As you love your husband and emotionally attached it will only lead to compromising again and you will feel failure .Think before you feel angry again and try to be close to him . god bless you

    manju
     

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