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husband not talking

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ayeshanaaz, Sep 28, 2007.

  1. ayeshanaaz

    ayeshanaaz Junior IL'ite

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    Dear IL's

    Sometime back i had posted my problem regarding tooooo frequent visits of my SIL to my house. Last week my husband told that SIL is coming to stay with us next month (She is 6 months pregnant with a second baby) and will be staying till she delivers and again 3 months post delivery, all together 6 months.

    I was really annoyed with this decision my MIL & hubby had made without even asking me, i had an arguement with my husband that day and he told me that I WAS A VERY BAD LADY AT HEART , HAVE NO FEELINGS FOR OTHERS, VERY PROUD OF MY EARNINGS.... and many such things which he never said in these 3 years of married life. He said he is going to throw my money on my face next month(the house we live is leased & money was equally shared by me & him) & I will have to look for other house with my kid,,,,,, he preferes to stay back with MIL & SIL, and for the sake of my son he will visit me once in a month. that was the last he spoke to me and now its almost 10 days he is not talking to me.. being in the same house he is not even seeing me.

    everyday he drops me to office in his bike, he manages to sit so far that i should not be able to touch him, not even keep my hand on his shoulder, he shruggs it off...... he is sleeping alone in the hall and I am alone with my kid in bedroom, My MIL in her bedroom. This is soo humiliating ,,,, from 10 days I am not at all sleeping ... I am crying alone to an extent that all the area around by eyes & forehead starts aching.

    My MIL is sooooo happy these days, and now & then she keeps giving that Sarcastic SMILE,,,,,,,,,,,,, reminding me that she has won & I have lost.. I dont know what to do, I love my husband very much........soo much that each days passes as a year to me... If I try to initiate talking to him he walks out, and once said blankly I SHOULD NOT TRY TO TALK TO HIM................... his silence is killing me... I know he will not arrange a seperate house due to financial limitations,,, HOW can i stay in one roodf with him & act like a stranger.

    The harsh words he told me that day are unforgettable.......... i will never forgive him.............. I have decided not to talk to him again & finish the issue. let him go his way & me mine.. but I am scared that he may start hating me............................ I cannot even think of hating him or being hated byhim... please advice how do i get my love back.??????????????
     
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  2. vidyasundar

    vidyasundar Bronze IL'ite

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    dear ayesha,

    I can understand your feelings but may i know the reason why do you dislike the stay of your SIL who wil stay only 4 six months for that you are spoiling your relationship with your husband.

    anyways i could say that just stay calm and do your routine. since her mother is there with you she is coming for delivery. you can talk to your husband and if she needs ur MIl's help you can send her to your SIL's place.

    generally for second delivery girls do not go to their mother's place......if she is from a village and for medical purpose she is coming there 2 your home and if there is any genuine reason behind her stay then why dont you welcome her.

    you are married for 3 years and you have a kid too try to find the ways to build mutual understanding between you two. even you can use this opportunity to show how much you care for them atleast for your husband sake.

    after all how long she is gonna stay see for those 6 months you are loosing the present moments.

    just give a second thought everything is in your hand you can sort it out. just have faith and confidence on the love and affection you have n your hubby and approach him with your problem. just sit and talk dont argue listen to them also.

    goahead dont worry for anything at anytime.

    just act dont react

    with best regards
    vidyasundar
     
  3. Sriniketan

    Sriniketan IL Hall of Fame

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    Ayesha,
    These are moments you can show that you are affectionate to him by doing things which are dear to his heart.
    I understand how you feel.
    Don't take to your mind whatever MIL is doing or saying. If you react to those things there will never be an end to it.
    Talk to your hubby and let him understand that you are not against sil's visit or so and talk with him what will be the problems (if any) and how you two can solve it and so on.
    Please don't take into your mind whatever he has said before. Sometimes words don't represent what we talk during the emotional moments.
    You have a son, consider his future.
    You can do this, go girl!
    sriniketan
     
  4. Aarushi

    Aarushi Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Ayesha,

    I am so sorry to hear about your situation.

    I went back and read yr previous post abt your MIL and SIL. What happened in the last 2 months that your husband went from ordering them out of his house to ordering you out???

    Is there something I'm missing here?? One more thing..why are you so against your SIL? Is she a disruptive influence in the house? Or is it just that you don't like her presence period?

    Anyways, what I would suggest is write an email to your hubby (since he is not talking to you). Keep it dignified, mature and loving. Do not forget to mention that he knows you for 3 years now and how can he forget all the love, caring and good things that you have done in those 3 years!! All because you wanted him to involve you in a discussion about SIL staying in your house for 6 months!! Ask him about how can he ignore 3 years of your love for one disagreement?? Ask him about how would he feel if you invited your brother/sister to come and stay with you for 6 months without even discussing it with him or MIL.

    If you said some bad words, then apologize for it but tell him that you got upset because you felt as if he had neglected/ignored you in an important decision that affects you in a profound way and your outburst was because of that.

    When ending the mail, you can write that every couple has their differences in their married life. Your parents, his parents, your siblings, his siblings etc. Nobody can say that they never fought with their spouse. What every person can and needs to do is learn from each disagreement/fight and try to make their marriage stronger. Tell him that you think he is worth it. And you hope that he thinks you are worth it too to make an effort towards making your marriage work.

    Pepper the mail in the way that he would be receptive to.

    Hope this helps. More often than not, the right communication helps in clearing all cobwebs.

    Aarushi


    ...
     
  5. pia123

    pia123 New IL'ite

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    Hi Ayesha
    No relationship is perfect. Compromise/Somejotha is the key. Be it a husband-wife, parent- kid, siblings, between friends or even between petowner and his/her pet. Someone has to forgive, forget and move on regardless of the magnitude of the problem, for any relationship to continue. In some relationships, without even thinking twice we compromise (we Vs our kids), or the other person does(our parents-we), irrespective of whosever mistake that was. So our relationship stays. In some cases, we unfortunately cannot come to that state of mind either voluntarily or involuntarily. At that time, we have to only force ourselves to be flexible and graciously ignore their words and actions, so that the relationship will not get hampered(keeping our kids in mind). I know it is easier to be said than to be done. That is why we have to literally force ourself, especially when we know for sure it is not our mistake. Acc. to me, making a mistake and asking for forgiveness is far easier and less stressful than pardoning some other's mistake and on top of that falling all over them and adjusting as if it was our mistake. But we have to do it, if we want our famil together. THAT'SWHY IT IS HARD, BUT YOU CAN/SHOULD DO IT(in my humble opinion) FOR YOUR KID'S SAKE. AFTERALL HE IS ONLY YOUR HUSBAND. you want your love back, you said right, you can win it with patience and understanding and only with that. Think this is a test and prepare yourself to pass the test. MAKE YOUR CHOICE BETWEEN PASS AND PASS ONLY. You can do it.
    If you were my sister, I would have said the same thing. Swallow the pride, be patient, sow these goods seeds in you and I am sure you will have a good yield. HUSBAND AND WIFE CAN GET SEPERATD(EVEN MENTALLY), BUT NOT MOM AND DAD. GET MY POINT!!!. ALL THE BEST AND take God on your side, to come out of this ordeal and mental agony happily and successfully.
    WISHING






     
  6. suminanda

    suminanda New IL'ite

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    dear ayesha,

    what pia123 has said is absolutely correct.in fact life is the sumtotal of certain adjustments.whatever be the relationship,it sustains on forgiveness.


    of course there are matters which we cn't forget or forgive; but child... this is life.......don't be upset .time heals everything.this is not something particular to you alone.almost all the married woman faces similar problems at least in the early stages...........then it becomes a part of our life and when we get used to tiny quarrels and disagreements ,mind starts healing it internally.

    occational silence and avoidances between spouces will really add to the warmth of the relationship. be cheerful, you just ignore what your in-laws do if you can't tolerate them.........

    as a son and as a brother, your husband gets a plesaure when he does certain things to your mil and sil.let him.........but that doesn't mean that he dislikes you .

    do believe whatever happens has a
    reason and always that will be for the good

    luv and regards.......suminanda:)
     
  7. priyauc

    priyauc Bronze IL'ite

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    My dear you have to realise that you are not the only person in his life. He has his family too, but yes it would have been nice if he had involved you in his decision. Do tell him that he should have involved you,not that you have any problems having your sil over. See there is no point in saying that you have problems as this is affecting your marriage.Later when things are cool, do tell him what makes you uncomfortable about your sil. Let him see your point of view when he in a right frame of mind. Things will be fine. Dont be too pushy. Write a letter to him or email him as suggested. When he sees your point of view he will approach you. Dont make a move till then, i mean dont be too aggressive.Be nice , courteous and normal to him
     
  8. diana

    diana Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear friends,

    As this topic of 'husband not talking' is come up in this forum, i would like to questions all women, what if forgiving once tends to lead again and again that wife need to ask for forgiveness first everytime.

    In my almost 8 years(in dec i wil complete 8 yrs) of marriage, i had always been the one to ask for forgiveness or making it up, even if i was not at fault, so as to not to drag this not-talking business more further.

    My husband would get angry and not talk and would continue from 10 days to even 20 days until i didnt go ahead and say sorry to him or if not sorry then compromise.

    Will ayesha saying sorry this time will lead to again expecting from her to repeat it in future too. Or shoudl she just stay put, someday her hubby will learn to accept his folly and ask her to let go what he said and start afresh.

    Do clear this point of mine.

    Diana
     
  9. gauridatta

    gauridatta New IL'ite

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    Dear ayesha
    I felt very bad when i read ur problem and ur situation, i am really deeply moved by this. How can a man not understand his own wife, where has there mind going and what are they doing cant they realize this.
    Dear one thing i have to say to u is be patience for some time try to win ur luv back with luv and concern, see what happens manouver every moment. Judge ur hubby's attittude and wait for some time try not to be over bearing.
    And still if he does not improve then take a major decision in life of leaving him, coz if u continue u will lead ur life in distress and ur il's dominating ur every time. Slowly by slowly they will start pressurizing to u do some thing u dont want ultimately leading ur life to hell
    Have patience, trust in god and see the results. I am not harsh in saying u these things forgive me if u feel bad, i am just deeply moved by ur post
    good luck to u and lots of luv

    gauri
     
  10. ayeshanaaz

    ayeshanaaz Junior IL'ite

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    Dear All,

    Thank you very much for all the concern shown towards my problem.

    I dont hate my SIL, it is just that, she is always in my house, then y the hell she got married, and why they didnt tell me before my marraige that she is going to stay with us.......... initially when I got married, she was staying with her husband & daughter, in my house for one whole year. Imagine the expenses we might have incurred. My MIL will never ever ask her son-in-law to share the expenses. after a big fight i had with my MIL & hubby , that she finally left my house to stay with her in laws....that is after trobling us for one year and that did not stop there................ she was always pouring in say abt 10-days in a month.

    My question is WHY??? cant she leave us alone.......... after seeing her,,, believe me I have stopped going to my mothers place. i visit only once a month, fearing that my brother & SIL should not hate me for intereferng in their privacy....

    Why cant my MIL leave her daughter to take her life's decision, why does she call her every two days and requests her MIL to send my SIL to house. I am really bugged up.......it looks it is more of her house now than mine.

    Diana,,,,,,, I totally agree with you, If it is not my fault then why should i say sorry............ when is my husband going to realize that he has wronged me.

    I will wait for few more days and if nothing moves........ and will ask my elders to interfere and sought this SIL problem once and for all. Though my husband hates to be in situations where elders are invloved........but I guess i have no options left................

    Dear IL's I have had enough of this SIL problem. Believe me 99.9% arguements/fights between me & my husband are due to my SIL only. I have to sought it out now. ITS REALLY HIGH TIME NOW.

    Regards
    Ayesha
     

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