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Husband not good to my parents becuause of MIL's influence...what to do?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by kenny, Apr 24, 2010.

  1. kenny

    kenny Bronze IL'ite

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    HI GALS!
    U must have read my previous posts...
    actually im really tired and sick of my life..feel really lonely...Feel inspite of having ev thing i still dont have happiness.Nobody can be superficially sweet for a long time...
    As i had written to u earlier that my dh is a momma's boy...and my MIL is a v manipulative lady...knows how to pay games all the time...probably keeps watching those typical soaps daily on tv which makes her all the more wicked...
    she would always keep bitching behind my back...she shows heself to be a v weak and vulnerable lady...plays dramas that she has pains here and there but her joint pains are only when my dh reaches home else she is healthy and would roam around....and worst part is i cant do those dramas....im v sad at heart but i cant cry infront of any one...cry only when im alone...thats my nature and cant help it....so my husb thinks that im v strong and his mother is a v weak lady...
    As u guys had suggested that i should talk to my Dh that i need some space with him...since she doesnt give breathing space to us....As wherever we go out she would always accompany us...when i spoke to him he earlier about this he never accepted it but later agreed to it...i told him that if we are going 4 times out at least 2 times we can go alone not as ev time all 4 times she accompanies us...but i

    dont c that in his actions at all....things are just the same...
    On top of that lately my parents had visited my place as they stay in some other city...so i had called them here for 3-4 days...i was really missing them...
    the worst part is really repent y i did call them coz my mother in law behaved v rudely to them...she would keep sitting in some other room and they would rather go to her and speak...for a v small matter she created such a hype and also bitched all wrong things to my husband who also was not speaking to them...
    My parents are v simple people..they were really hurt with all this and told me that they will never come here again...
    Dont know what all my MIl keeps telling my husband behind my back that he has become very negative for them...for the samllest of thing taht they do he finds fauts at them...
    all this never used to be the case till one year of marriage....infact he used to good be to them...but now past almost oct 09 all this crap has started..that was when i last went to my parents place alone..she kept bitching about me...coz when

    i came back i saw a change in his behaviour.
    i dont understand what they are getting out of it...
    But the other day i was v much broken down when he spoke all bull**** about my parents...that they do a formality every time...they are not

    genuine and stuff...worst part is that for the previous issues also which he felt were wrong and had felt about...which were already sorted between us...he takes out all of those....every small matter of the past and begins pinpointing that they were wrong here and they were wrong there... which he thinks to be wrong on their part but its actually not...
    its just that he has a negative frame of mind for them,...
    he even said that he has not seen parents like this ever in his life who forget about their daughter once she is married...i couldnt tolerate so i told him to mind is language and just stopped talking to him...
    But actually all this is all instilled by his momma dearest...But i feel is he not a grown up man...doesnt he have a mind of his own that

    whatever his mother says he agrees to...
    now worst part is whenver my parents call they make silly faces...But my paents and my siblings just keep calling once in a while to keep

    the connection...since life is a long journey and its just been 2.5 yrs of my marriage...
    But ony thing is what keeps pinching me is that i never complain about his mother to him...infact if i ever say something he becomes v defensive then y on earth he ridicules my parents???....
    i do every little bit-all daily chores, inspite of being a working independant person....and if one day i have not cooked pulses or something though vegetable i always make,she informs my husband on the phone and creats a fight between us at home....
    because of my Mil differencces between me and my hubby are increasing...
    i dont share anything about my family to him now...infact dont even talk about them now to him...though he keeps discussing about his sister who is abroad n al..
    u tel me gals how long things can i go on this way...i feel really lonely at heart...wanted a man who could understand my feelings and be happy when im happy....
    im not saying he's a v bad person...otherwose he is caring and nice and even supportive for my career...and helps me out a lot at
    that...and even otheriwise he is concerned for me….but when it comes to my parents he becomes so negative...and secondly since Mil keeps bitching all negative things bout me he also has become neagtive to some extent with me...
    pLEASE HELP GUYS...i just keep praying to God that he should take out this negativity for my family...but God is also not helping me...
    how do i make the situation better..
    is there any solution???u can go thru my prevous post for reference...
    waiting for <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:smarttags" /><st1:place w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">ur</st1:City></st1:place> response....
    :(
     
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  2. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

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    Kenny,

    I haven't read your other post yet.. But from what you wrote here I see that your MIL is one of those manipulative types & your DH is mommas boy. You explained what your MIL & DH are doing, but what are you doing to make your DH understand?

    You told your DH that you should go out together atleast twice, he agreed but never did. So what did you do next... Did you remind him... Did you insist he keep his word... Your DH will not wakeup a changed man one fine morning... You have to work on your rel'ship hard because he is under your MILs influence.
    There is a saying "God helps those who help themselves".
    You do your best & God will do the rest.

    Good luck!
     
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2010
  3. kenny

    kenny Bronze IL'ite

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    dear sita,
    its not that i have not been trying on it....infact i was v firm bout this last when i spoke to him bout it....yeah will surely insist on that again...ofcourse will do...just that he is keeping quite busy this month ...has to give some presentations in offic so is busy wth that..so i dodnt want to disturb him...i mentioned about the MIL giving no space just to give a reference about the previous post...
    Right now the main cause of concern is that he is not good to my parents which is eating me up......as iv mentioned above also...i made him quiet but im not able to tolerate the bitterness which he has for my family...though things are going on fine rt now...coz i never initialted this topic from a long time...coz as i said he has some v imp office work so was waiting that he should finish with that so that he doesnt get disturbed...but back of my mind i feel really sad about the whole issue...how do i sort it ...thats what i want to know...
     
  4. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Kenny, immediate inlaws can never be happy with us if they've chosen to remain upset due to one reason or the other.

    Recently when I tried to network with his extended family and happy get togethers, things seem to have come on road to recovery, he seems to be slightly better in opinion about my parents :bowdown.. however :hiya.... just wondering if this is a passing phase and a hailstorm is in anvil :bonk.

    Leave him the way he's unless he wants to improve his relations with your parents, no one can force him to do so.
     
  5. tinku

    tinku Silver IL'ite

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    Halo Kenny
    It so happens in many houses that the in-laws are never happy with their DIL. Dont worry about your problem. Things may sort out if you do some homework.

    First, talk to your DH in a caring tone and make him understand that u respect his faily and particularly his mother. Every now and then, keep praising about the hardships she went thro her life, her recipes, her ideas etc though your MIL may not seem to be so. Its only for quite a while till things sort out.

    And check to see what ur MIL wants from u. Buy her something of her interest (eg. a saree) and say that you bought it because it wud be very much suitable for her colour, height etc. Its only once in a year or in six months. I know this irritates but give a try. It all worked out for one friend of mine. Also make her sit with a game that a minimum of two people can play (like snake and ladder etc) and tell her that u bought it for her to pass time.

    Dont buy all these in a day or two. Once u buy, take atleast two or three weeks for the next gift. And in moderate or low prizes only.

    Say that u went to the temple and prayed for everyone in the family and particularly for her health problems (eg her leg problem, if she has). The preist did some archana and gave some kumkum etc for that.

    This may seem kiddish and very irritating to follow, but try the least. U may find a change in her if u constantly make her understand that u show interest in her. I know its hard to do this. But try it. Forget what she has done to u for a while and try. She ll be the same for the first few days of ur trial, later u might notice atleast a small change in her.

    And finally, I shall tell u, One thing works for any problem. And that is this. I have tried and experienced. Of course many have experienced.

    If u beleive in God and things of the sort, u can try a fasting for seven thursdays praying to Sri Raghavendraswamy or
    for 11 thursdays to Shiradi Saibaba.

    There are some easy to follow rules. If u wish I can post them for u.
    Beleive me, it worked out for me. I was also suffering with problems due to my in-laws and I did a 7 thursday fast with a greatest beleif that it ll be solved. Beleive me, it was solved miraculously.
    So dont worry. Before I came to know about this fasting, I was hopeless, cried almost everyday, thought my problems ll never end. It was Sri Raghavendraswamy who solved and sorted out things for me and now I am at peace.

    You can even try this with a God of ur choice. I have tried that also once when I couldnt find a house for rent and I had to move out due to my in-laws and did a fasting for 11 fridays for Godess Mahalakshmi and after I finished I rented a house. Till 11 fridays, all the houses that I went to look for rent would somehow be dropped (either due to owners, or due to other problems). And the miracle in this fast was that a friend of my husband named Mahalakshmi showed me a house in her area and made us give advance. ANd finally we moved to that house. So miraculous.
    Beleive and u ll find solution to anything. Infact many religions stress on this type of fasts for any problem and it was common in olden days to solve a problem by this method.
    I have started these kind of things after marriage only when my life struggled. Before that I never beleived all these.
     
  6. sujavinay

    sujavinay Senior IL'ite

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    kenny,
    i read ur other thread too dear.
    i know it is very easy to give an advise.
    following it in real under the circumstances is different issue.
    now dear u have to speak to us.
    if ending ur life is the real answer u would not send a desperate call around to us.
    get it out of ur mind dear.

    dont think i'm nuts.
    trust me love.
    i've been there before.
    tell us more abt ur family.
    who are all there?
    siblings for ur husband and all details.
    i was thinking abt u for sometime.
    tell us more dear we'll work out something.

    in the interim i agree with tinku also.
    start the gift things going.
    i honestly understand it is hard to think of ur MIL as ur mother.
    it is not so hard to pretend.:thumbsup

    and, patience is the virtue love.
    tell us more.
    i'll wait up for ur reply.
     
  7. sujavinay

    sujavinay Senior IL'ite

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    kenny,

    remember one thing.
    till we work out things dont talk anything adverse abt ur MIL to ur husband.
    being good is not the only way to sort out ur trouble.

    anyone pl tell me how to send kenny a personal message.

    P.S: pl forget abt ur parents for the time being.
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2010
  8. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

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    kenny,

    Is it possible for you to ask your parents not to call your ILs? Will it work if your ILs and parents are not in talking terms? Ofcourse, you will still be in touch with your parents. Will this work for you? If it does, talk to your DH and see if he thinks this arrangement will be ok with him and ILs. Explain to him that it hurts you when he harbors negative feelings for your parents, so with this setup, he need not have positive or negative feelings, just indifferent feelings would be fine. All this only when you are not restricted in maintaining your rel'ship with your parents.

    My personal experience is, this will work for everybody's peace of mind. Mine is a love marriage. My parents accepted my DH hesitantly at first, but are very happy with him now. My ILs accepted me ok, but are typical, in the sense, they don't like me :crazy . However, our families have not accepted each other. My DH and I are in touch with both sides of families, but my parents and ILs are not in touch. After seeing many posts here on how ILs insult parents, I am happy that my parents and ILs are not in talking terms.
     
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2010
  9. kenny

    kenny Bronze IL'ite

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    thank you so much ev one...im really touched by all ov u...so swt of u guys...u actually make attempts to make things work for an individual...
    ur great...
    @shilpa ma-actually even i thought i should not force him for anything...and m doing the same...jus ging on nmly with his family but as i said behind my back it kinda bugs me...that teh ppl whom im closest to ...my parents -my family i cant talk bout them to my life partner....????
    @tinku-ya will surely try ur gifting stuff...hope it works...
    and as far as the fasts are concened...i dont know about thses Gods as i belong to some other religion....but do pray regularly for our relationship...
    @sujavinay-thanx a lot dear that u took pains to even go through my previous posts...well as far as MIL is concerned...one day when i was v upset due to hubby's bad behaviour i went and talked to mil...that i jus want happiness in this home...and asked her what all she expects from me...im happy to change myself for her...told her not work but family is a priority and stuff...so she talked nicey to me and undrsood me i thought...told her that whatever it is that she doesnt like she can st away tell me rather than her son....she agreed to ev thing...for 2-3 days she was good then again the same thing started again...same cold wars and talking behind my back...all of a sudden she starts talking and all in a blue she stops...:rant
    as far as my family is concerned...i just have an elder brother who is married and is settled in some other city....my parents are also putting up in some other city...they both stay seperatey in diffeent cities...
    i have a v good relation with all of them...infact initially just used to talk about all this to my mom...but after all this happened i made him also know what all i going in the family since they should also be aware...
    -my hubby is the only son...he lost his father at a v young age when he just started college so he had early responsibilities...
    has one elder sister who is settled abraod-in china..so for many yrs my mil and hubby were staying alone so he is v much attched to her....
    my sis in law was initially good...but i see that i only have to make attempts to call her...she will never bother to talk to me on her own..thought she speaks to Mil daily for an hour almost but i also being in the house ,she neve calls me to seak to her...only if i myself will go then she will talk.and talk good...initally was good but probably mil has also poisoned bout me to he daughter as well.
    so that is is about mine and his immmed family....
    @sita-i do feel that may be momentarily it may work...but how long would it go...u tell me tomorrow i would have kids...or may be some special moments where even i would like my family to be wilth me...wont i feel like calling my folks to me ??i dont think i will be at peace that ways...thats why want to sort this negative frame of mind from my hubby's mind
    im trying my level best to keep his mother happy because i feel if she is happy then hubby woud also be ok... ...
    ur case if diff since u n ur hubby r talking to both sides of the family n ur living seperatly but it matters if ur with ur in laws n ur hubby is also not talking to ur parents...
    i guess iv spoken a lot...now waiting for ur help friends...
     
  10. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    kenny tell yourself its a matter of few days or months or years... depending on your DH... when you don't discuss your family with them, they get bored... and themselves come up enquiring.

    Even if not then the inlaws would probably not last till your old age and you'll have loads of new things to discuss with DH and not repeat the same old stories when rest of the world will not have time for you :thumbsup.
     

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