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Husband is not behaving like a husband!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SaanviShwetha, Nov 14, 2014.

  1. SaanviShwetha

    SaanviShwetha New IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies,

    This forum has been really a good friend to me as I used to just jump into this site and look for answers when ever I feel low!. But now, I have reached to this stage of signing in and posting my problems here in this forum.Credit to my husband!!! Please help me ladies. I am completely out of order and have no confidence, interest. nothing! Feels like a dead body who just breaths :(.

    It's been 5 years since I got married and I have not happy for a single day since then. My so called husband never cares for me, loves me, trusts me. Instead he always tries to put me down, make me feel bad, points out everything in a bad way, does not give time for me and my 2.5year old girl. We don't even speak to each other for 5 min in a day. If at all we speak, it will be an argument or a fight. Whatever I speak, he decodes it in a completely different way. He blames me for eveything - even the financial situation. He does not help me in any of the household work,he does not bother to keep his dinner plates to the sink. When I am suffering from something, he hurts me saying I am not going through any pain.He always supports his mother, sisters and their husband even if they are doing all such bad things to me.There are a lot other things which I am not able to write down.

    I dont love him anymore. I don't think even he does from day 1. Please tell me what I do.
     
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  2. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    Shwetha,

    Please try to relax a little. Marriage is a part of our life. It does not define who we are. Don't lose your self - confidence because of your husband. Do whatever you can think of that will make you feel better.

    There is a quote that I found particularly helpful while going through difficult times -
    "You should be the last one to give up on yourself." I do not know why, but this quote changed my perspective on life. It gave me the strength I needed to overcome my difficulties. I hope it does the same for you.

    I can not say I understand what you are going through, as I have not been in this situation myself. But, please stay strong, and take care of yourself and your child.

    Sorry, I have no real suggestions to offer you. Only my best wishes and concern.
    I hope things get better for you.
     
    4 people like this.
  3. mirrorimage

    mirrorimage Silver IL'ite

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    Hey I can totally understand what you are going through....
    Mean things can really put your confidence down..
    Just teach him in polite way..Its his responsibility to put his plates in sink ....Its being human actually....
    one day just lovingly tell him..."hey i am too tired..can you put in sink yourself.."
    His work he should be able to do it.....

    My husband is like that...pointing on small small things like while eating if something falls down by mistake...he used to point...and every point in my life he used to tell mean things which had lowered my self confidence...
    Now for better..I ignore..it does not affect me because I have big things to worry about in life other than his stupid comments....
    Not even once he has said I cook well...if I explicitly ask he used to say "ok"...so you know what..I stopped asking..because his opinion does not make who I am....
    I am what I am ..not his thoughts..or anybody's thoughts for that matter...
    With kid and all..I understand...you might be in totally different situtation....
    But all I can say right now is...you can get things done in your way...Just be honest..and stand up for yourself..do your duties but stand up for things which you deserve...and against things which you dont deserve....

    But remember..never be aggressive..Just drop the thoughts in their minds...that will do the job...shouting and all will not help...

    I cook for breakfast and lunch..and my husband used to come out and ask me to pack them too...
    I did it many days....then realized..I do so much..he is not a kid so that i have to pack for him...so I politely said him..please save some time while getting ready to pack your box....you know else they ll start treating you like mothers(serving like crazy..)..thats not every woman wants from relationship....

    Trust me ..my husband is too busy..and I myself have stopped talking much because it always ends up in argument..and I feel down..i feel my energy is drained sometimes by his mean comments...so I just do my duties..and stay away from him as far as possible..that will work wonders for time being...you can take it closer slowly...

    Just distance yourself enough so that they dont hurt you for not doing their things....instead they must hurt you for doing bad things....

    Its okay....relax..take care at the end of the day thats what matters....

    neither I get a single help from him..and I dont expect....just do what is easier...I mean you dont have to toil entire day doing things for him..set aside some time for work...and just do what is possible ....

    As far as he supporting his mother or blood family....dont try to change him..in front of him act as though you also like them..because thiings can get too personal if you complain about the relationships he was with from past 20+ years..you are still an outsider..understand that...i know it hurts to say that..but thats the fact for some years down the lane..there will come a day when he will understand you are the one who will come hand in hand forever...but thats too far to waste your time and energy worry about it....Just live your life..do what you like....

    Keep your confidence High and Chin -Up..

    ** I too hate taking plates of others who treats us like servants to take their plates..My FIL used to do this..making me take his eaten plate everyday..I was too silent and nice...I am too...but I used to hate it....I used to feel llike Punching his face hard for acting like a LandLord or master...then my husband started following it too....Doing it by yourself out of respect or sympathy is totally different from making you do it out of authority

    I totally understand...so relax... take care..things will be all right...
     
    13 people like this.
  4. Akanksha1982

    Akanksha1982 IL Hall of Fame

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    nice suggestions by mirror image. Just be thick skinned. We get bothered by the things we allow to bother us. Slowly stop doing things for him. Just cook it and tell him to eat the food, don't serve him and then go for a walk or watch television. Give him the same treatment. Let him start feeling and let me be the one to complain.

    If he says demeaning thing to you, just walk away and give a silent treatment.
     
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  5. indubalram

    indubalram Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Op, really feel sorry for you. Why don't you involve your parents in this. Just ask them to talk to him.
     
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  6. SurekhaKrishna

    SurekhaKrishna Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear OP,
    i am sorry for what you are going through.I have faced few things same as your H.
    He never praises me even for small things too.He competes with me and tries to put me down when I am right.He is Leo and loves to dominate other people.
    I used to take care of baby and household chores all alone.Somehow I got driving license after my delivery.I used to spend whole time in the day with the baby.He won't do grocery shopping in weekdays.i used to drive to nearby Walmart,SAMs club and purchase the groceries.It worked as an outside time too for my baby.she enjoys it a lot when I take her outside the home.when the baby is 2.5 years old,she started talking and my hubby got interest in playing with his daughter.I am sure I struggled as a single parent all that years like taking her for walks in neighborhood.it was just me all the time.i am sure my daughter missed her time with daddy.me and H never had same opinions about baby food,clothes,toys,how much to spend on baby care.he is a better person and daddy today compared to baby's first year.

    things will change...just be patient.having fun with just your baby infront of your H will affect him.plan few hours to spend outside the home with your baby.Let your H miss your presence for sometime in a day.He will think and miss both of you.He can even learn little cooking when you are not doing it in time :)
     
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  7. nebula2009

    nebula2009 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi,
    Even I have passed through the stage like that of urs. Stop expecting from ur husband. Accept him as he is. Concentrate on ur kid.. U r a mother.. a role model to ur child. So stay positive. Do things that makes u feel happy and confident. Talk to people and stay in contact with those who understand you and make u realise who u are.. Never lose urself.. Things will change someday.. Believe it..
     
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  8. kanthtx

    kanthtx Gold IL'ite

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    why dont u divorce him and get out of misery...

    if u like living that life of abuse keep continuing... if not have some spine and get out...
     
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  9. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    I don't know what to say.I don't think so you can make hi. Better person.Just make yourself busy more and more
    Make yourself less available to him.That will give you some space to regain your confidence.
     
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  10. RedRuby

    RedRuby Platinum IL'ite

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    Im very sorry to hear what you are going through, its the worst punishement to be treated like air, even worse then to have fights with as this extreme ignorance is demoralize a person completely and lets one questioning their selfworth .. please dont get trapped into that.

    First take a deep breath and tell yourself you are a great person and this is not your fault. do something that makes you happy, whatever it is. Try to keep yourself more and more busy with things that cheer you up so you will be less dependent on being close to him. If you need to talk more, like every human being, try to meet friends and make new friends, your child will be good "reason" to get in touch with other moms.

    Then ask yourself following questions:
    Was it always like that or did anything specific happend?
    Is there anything i can do sencerely to better the situation?
    Is he otherwise a good and caring father?
    Are you financial independent?
    Is there any family interference which is influencing him or is it an old habbit from his family so he doesnt know how to communicate properly and that family / wife needs time and attention?
    Did he ever gave you an exact reason why he is avoiding you or do you have any clue / guess why he does so? (forced to marriage, intimacy problems etc. ...)

    Keep in mind even he had some problems etc. the way how he treated you is not excused by it and its still not your fault to be ignored!


    If you are lucky it is a communication problem which you can fix. In that case try to figure out some ways to change your ways to communicate (BOTH of you, not only you!). Maybe you can try to write him a letter, offer that both of you write down what you like/love about each other and what not, what hurts you and what makes you happy (try to avoid you as a world and blaming to directly but be firm and honest). Ask him whether marriage councelling would be an option. Try to leave aside the family at the beginning and just talk about the two of you.

    If he is brushing away all efforts and is not willing at all to change your both ways to communicate or start to communicate at all you have a more serious problem. If there is no communication between the parents and the atmoshpere is cold the child sences this and is growing up in a bad surrounding which would affect him (not saying is your fault as you clearly tried to talk and are the suffering part but your child feels and knows you suffer, how can your child be happy when you are sad??)

    If there is no change visible for future you need to think deeply whether you can accept for you and your child to live in such an atmosphere or if you consider leaving him and start a new life.
    ......why to waist a life on someone who doesnt value you....and wants you...


    All the best for you and a lot of strength
     
    3 people like this.

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