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Husband & I Not Speaking With Each Others' In-laws?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by coffee25, Apr 30, 2020.

  1. coffee25

    coffee25 New IL'ite

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    I'm married for 10 years and I'm posting here for the firstish time. MY husband and I loved each other dearly, we got married and still loved each other until 1 year back. I gave birth to my son 11 months back and I had serious life threatening surgery 2 weeks after he was born. I was in the cardiac unit of my hospital and underwent cardiac open heart surgery with a long scar now! I didn't even know what happened and still there is no cause but I was in the hospital on IV drugs for 3.5 weeks and took me a good 4-5 months to recover. My question relates to the time I was sick: my parents came to stay with me for the birth, they were helpful. Then, I landed in the hospital and they were alone with my son taking care of his for 3-4 days when my dh decided to call his parents to our home as he needed support. I used to like my MIL but not any more. They came over and she acted like she knows everything in my home (their first visit outside the country in 20 years time). I loved my parents too but now after the birth of my son my view is more balanced (they can make mistakes too, and tell me stuff that is not "in the books" for a child). My mom didn't like the way my MIL behaved at home and they were stuck together for 3 weeks together in a tiny apartment. My mom didn't even like the way my FIL behaved ( a bit arrogant asking his woe or hot coffee, meals on time etc). When I came back home from the hospital, I was happy everyone was there. In 10 days time, I noticed my MIL, she would try to feed the baby away from my mom/myself, not cook breakfast daily, make terrible ( I mean TERRIBLE) meals, only speak with her son etc.... My mom said something too about my MIL and that's when I decided i'm done with them and I couldn't care any more. I decided I'll not speak to them and I stopped speaking. MIL is so cunning she acted as if everything is fine and continued to help with cooking, speak to me on & off etc.. I ignored her. And, so it went this way. The time came for my parents to leave and I asked them if they could say ( I could not even shower or go to the toilet on my own at that time, as it was 3 weeks since I came home). My parents refused as they needed medications and needed to be in India to purchase that. I agreed and told them to come back in2-3 weeks time. They said OK. My dh was a bit pissed that they are not helping their daughter but he was OK since they said they will be back in 2-3 weeks.

    So much happened in the 2 months it took my mom to come back to me, and a few things from prior months/years (1) dh decided he doesn't respect my parents any more and will not speak to them (2) he was also upset at my sister for something she said and doesn't speak to her either (3) he doesn't like his dad much (oh he loves his mom) and doesn't speak much to him (4) he stopped talking to his BIL i.e.: sister's husband a few years back - I never heard of any complaint from their family for this

    I think my dad didn't want to come back to my home and asked my mom to go alone. My sister and her family decided to come with my mom. He would speak to my sister's husband and suddenly one day they both stopped talking. The trip was a bit stressful for me but I was recovering and can't really be stressed any more. I spoke to my husband 3 times on speaking with my family but he gets REALLY defensive when I start the topic. We have discussed to attend counselling once the virus allows re-opening of the economy. I understand that my husband was very very hurt that my parents didn't even stay with me after my heart surgery ( I was told it takes up to a year to feel 100% - now, 10 months after I feel 100%) and I was OK with him not speaking with any one but he keeps asking me if I want to talk to his mom. Why would I? Frankly here are my reasons and I will say this in counselling (1) she doesn't even like him as much as she likes his sister - she was tauntingly talking to her husband about her own son once and I overheard (2) she never ever has cared for me - not once she asked me to come to her home to stay, not once she visited my family in a different city, not once she said she will come to meet us (3) she was very rude to me a couple of times in front of her son i.e: my husband (4) she was extremely proud that she is the boy's side, so many issues happened with his sister and her inlaws and my MIL will throw everything to give them whatever they ask plus don't ask ( things like eatables, jewelry, clothes etc) . But, for my family she never ever cared. (5) My wedding - she pretty much ruined it due to her ideas of a wedding. OFcourse, I never even knew of her "darker" side until 11 months ago. She always smiles and talks and I was very very young when I got married.

    Given the above limited background, can I ask how to continue keeping distance from inlaws (note - she has not once called me for the past 10 months)? I don't want to go to their apartment ever again. OFcourse, my husband says they miss my son but I will question that with how many times did they meet their daughter's son - she would barely go to India once every 2-3 years. Also, how to live with inlaws issues forever - both sides?
     
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  2. Vaikuntha

    Vaikuntha Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    Congratulations that you are feeling better now. Open heart surgery, has to a major operation. God has given you a new life! And has given you your son.
    I am not giving you a solution about MIL and FOO problem.
    But please a step back, and be thankful for what you have, husband, family, son, your health. Takecare of all this and do not worry too much of MIL etc problem.
    Do not worry that your husband mistreats your family, I can't imagine I am saying this, but let it go. He still supports 'you', this is key. Let him mistreat - your family- do not pick up this battle with your husband, given your health etc.
    Yes, you can live without talking to your MIL and him talking to your family.
    3-4 years down the road, if things change, you can revisit your decisions.
    For now, just focus on your health, time spent in romance with husband, time spent raising your wonderful son.
     
    Thyagarajan and coffee25 like this.
  3. coffee25

    coffee25 New IL'ite

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    Thanks for your wishes and your first post. Ireqlize I'm not important to them so why should I spend time thinking about them? I stop myself the minute I go in that direction. I'm still somewhat dedicated to my husband and I agree with you 100 percent on focussing my energy. He still loves me as much or more since the surgery but my eyes have opened now.


     
    Vaikuntha likes this.
  4. Vaikuntha

    Vaikuntha Platinum IL'ite

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    Not sure, why there aren't more replies.

    Keep up the good work of focusing only on your son and husband and ofcourse yourself.
    Looks like world is full of mean, selfish, (other negative character traits here) people. The only way, we save ourselves is deciding where we put our energy and for long.

    One can always change their decisions about their focus.

    TC dear, in long run only your health, yourself, son and husband matter. God is kind to you by giving you a nice husband. Do not ask for more from God- for the time being :) just relax and enjoy what you have
     
    drdiva and coffee25 like this.
  5. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    @coffee25 you and your husband have some growing up to do. The help from family during childbirth and other surgeries, emergencies is not something you guys are entitled to by default.

    Your husband should be grateful your parents came and helped rather than be pissed off that they didn't extend stay. He is responsible for your care during your surgery, not your parents.

    You should be grateful your in-laws could come at short notice to help your husband during your surgery. Your MIL is not cunning when she acted like everything is fine and continued to help with cooking and spoke to you on and off. By not speaking to her, you were being extremely disrespectful of someone who came to help you family. She wisely ignored that, maybe because you had just been through childbirth and a major surgery.

    Rather than appreciate her help, you are still remembering that she didn't cook breakfast daily and made "terrible TERRIBLE meals." At her age, to cook in a new kitchen for so many people with a little baby in the house is no mean feat.

    "They came over and she acted like she knows everything in my home (their first visit outside the country in 20 years time)."
    Ins't it a blessing if a person who comes to help you seems to know everything in your home?

    Those five points you plan to tell the counselor, try speaking them aloud, record them and listen back to them. Really listen.

    Coming to your specific question: it is not ideal but ok if for some time a couple doesn't talk to in-laws. Happens. Since your child will soon be a toddler, best is to drop these silly tantrums and both of you start at least hello/how are you conversations with in-laws. Forget about child, this "not talking" behavior is unacceptable with people who came from far to help you, putting their lives on hold.

    Childbirth and the first year or so are taxing times. Leave the past. The first birthday is a good time to resume talking with in-laws.

    And, how many times your sister-in-law visited them has nothing to do with your son meeting them.

    "she has not once called me for the past 10 months)?"
    You tell this about someone who came to help your husband when you were in hospital and a new baby at home. coffee25, such help should make you eternally grateful and you should willingly ignore her real and perceived faults. Plus, elders don't usually call the younger folks. When your husband is talking to her, you join in. That is how it mostly works. She won't make a call directly to you.
     
    GoneGirl, KashmirFlower and radv like this.
  6. coffee25

    coffee25 New IL'ite

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    Thanks or your post.

    That's right - we can always change focus at any time. Now is not the time for me.
     
  7. coffee25

    coffee25 New IL'ite

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    Apologies but my MIL has done a lot of terrible things in the past - although she will never speak about anything, she just does it and ends it right there. No questions asked. I frankly still dislike her. I don't think elders deserve respect "by default", they need to gain it. My respect, she has lost. I can't give her respect for her age alone, oh and she is young (barely 63 last year). And, my husband will not speak to my sister or my parents while I agree with you that any one who came did a huge favor on me. My sister came to visit me too - sitting in a fight for 22 hours. I'm upset at him too, although he doesn't realize that no one, except him, is expected to help me. Now, if he is ready to start saying hello, i'm more than willing to forget the past and start saying hello.

    I'll still take your thoughts to my mind and speak to them when I feel like it. I believe once I join work and my son is in day care, I will have some more time on my hands.
     

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